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Discussion Starter #81
Yea that changes things.
But it still doesn’t change what I said about more than likely having to split house hold chores 50-50 in your new relationship.

I don’t know exactly what kind of setup you want for your new relationship, but most women want 50-50.
It’s ok to want the women to do all the household work, but that will probably only happen if she stays home and doesn’t work. Not many women do this, especially with no kids.
I'm 100% good with 50 50 anything, I just want someone who actually really likes me. I feel something I've never felt before talking to the older woman I've mentioned in this thread---when I go see her later this month I'll find out if it was truly mutual or just built up mostly in my imagination, but, I really care about her and I know she cares about me. It's an incredible feeling. Never had an emotional connection with a woman ever before in my life.
 

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Next time, realize that people don’t change. And you need to fall in love with the women for who she is, NOT who you want her to be. This way, you don’t waste time and energy trying to change someone who won’t change.
 

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I'm 100% good with 50 50 anything, I just want someone who actually really likes me. I feel something I've never felt before talking to the older woman I've mentioned in this thread---when I go see her later this month I'll find out if it was truly mutual or just built up mostly in my imagination, but, I really care about her and I know she cares about me. It's an incredible feeling. Never had an emotional connection with a woman ever before in my life.
It sounds like you were the one who didn’t like your wife. Constantly trying to get her to change.
 

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Discussion Starter #84
You are 100% right about that. That side of me that wanted a partner to change totally died over the past 11 years.

It seems to me a lot of folks go into marriage making similar mistakes, having an agenda about their partner instead of really being on the same page with plans for life...
 

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Discussion Starter #85
In fact I would say my agenda for making my ex wife change died in 2015. I treated her WAY better after I first sought help on this site (someone on here actually reached out to me privately as a no-charge counselor, and really helped me. I'm really grateful to that person!). But, despite the changes I made, she was still not growing with me at all, despite things being better than previously.
 

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You are 100% right about that. That side of me that wanted a partner to change totally died over the past 11 years.

It seems to me a lot of folks go into marriage making similar mistakes, having an agenda about their partner instead of really being on the same page with plans for life...
I 100% agree, and that is how problems are started.

Expectations kill relationships.
 

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Discussion Starter #87
So I keep talking to the older woman and I've made plans to visit her later this month. She shared something with me (a post from somewhere on social media) about age being irrelevant. Haha, that certainly seems like she's thinking about it even though she hasn't made it explicit. Then we had an online date of sorts playing a game together, haha.

Needless to say, my aspirations and fantasy around this woman combined with my real friendship with her are kinda out of control at this point. I don't think I've ever imagined that I wanted somebody this badly in my life. It's like romance novel level nuttiness going on in my mind (and body actually, I can't control it, the last time this happened to me I was 18 and too repressed to go for it or enjoy it, didn't have sex even when I had a perfect opportunity with someone I really liked). I am well aware of what is going on though and I'm trying as hard as I possibly can to keep my feet on the ground, because when we meet again in person it is conceivable it could all evaporate at once.

I've had a couple of nutty fantasies about a couple of other women I've met since my divorce, but nothing like this because this woman I've known for years and am actually good friends with and she wants to talk to me and enjoys talking to me.

Well, this is quite an adventure, I am looking forward to seeing her to say the least!

I feel kind of bad at the moment harboring these kinds of feelings about another woman while I go on a second date this saturday with the younger woman, but the problem is, I AM afraid my feelings are part of the healing process post divorce and maybe they will in fact evaporate. It's possible. But it could be real. I just won't know unless I keep living my life. I'll be up front with the younger woman that I'm not dating exclusively yet, so she knows what to expect going forward. It wouldn't be fair esp if she likes me to start to get her hopes up.
 

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Discussion Starter #89
Is she no longer friends with your ex?

There is something about preying on your ex's friends that is just so ewwww.
Nope she and basically everyone my ex new ditched her after she cheated on me, haha. I'm one of the only people who still talks to my ex, and its just to see cat pictures lol.

This isn't something I aimed for or expected and I don't feel as though I'm preying upon anybody. She in fact is the one who began reaching out to me after my ex and I split, and we just started talking from there. Been a year now and we've become really good friends. I feel like this phenomenon isn't terribly uncommon in the world.

Both of us had spouses who mistreated us in different ways, we've really bonded over this. Both our exes had terrible childhoods, but me and this woman both had good childhoods. So there's just a ton of things that line up. lifestyle, values, background, sense of humor, etc. The only thing that's really up in the air is whether there could be chemistry in person. I definitely think she's gorgeous, in fact she's the most beautiful woman I think I've ever seen in my life. I don't know for sure if she feels something for me though, only time will tell lol.
 

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Discussion Starter #90
I dunno what sort of guy you're imagining I am Blondilocks but I feel like the last guy on the planet who should be pinned as any thing remotely approaching a "predator" LOL. I'm nerdy, I play piano, I stay inside, I play video games, I make video games. That's my entire life. I don't do stereotypical annoying aggressive male things. But I'm still capable of falling in love with someone haha
 

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I think you should enjoy the moment with both women. You can let them know your intentions. I mean, you are not proposing to either one of them! You're meeting and getting to know them (even though you know the older woman already.) Meeting in a romantic way is different than meeting and becoming friends. Just be yourself.

The best dates I have ever had were when I didn't have any expectations. I remember going out with my husband (my friend at the time) and having a blast because I was myself and not worried about him liking me.

I wouldn't have kids if I were you. I feel people have to be sure before jumping into fatherhood or motherhood.

Do what feels right. What does your gut tell you?
 

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Discussion Starter #92 (Edited)
I think you should enjoy the moment with both women. You can let them know your intentions. I mean, you are not proposing to either one of them! You're meeting and getting to know them (even though you know the older woman already.) Meeting in a romantic way is different than meeting and becoming friends. Just be yourself.

The best dates I have ever had were when I didn't have any expectations. I remember going out with my husband (my friend at the time) and having a blast because I was myself and not worried about him liking me.

I wouldn't have kids if I were you. I feel people have to be sure before jumping into fatherhood or motherhood.

Do what feels right. What does your gut tell you?
Thanks for this post! Well, hard to know with my gut because I've been a highly cerebral and neurotic person for much of my life, and I think it is owing to having lived too little life, so, now that I'm living it, it's a little tricky to navigate these situations.

I'm looking forward to the date with the younger woman tonight and yeah, I have no expectations. That's actually what I keep telling myself about both situations, to stress not having expectations. I'm taking each storm of hopeful romantic dreams about the one woman and just letting them blow past, accepting it but acknowledging it isn't real until it is real, if that makes sense.

And yeah, I think if I ever raise a kid it'll be because it grew out of really loving and being loved by the right partner for me, not because we just planned to have them from the start. Right at the moment though, my life is very fulfilling and has always been without them---intensely creative person with music and video games, etc, which I always look forward to.
 

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Discussion Starter #93
Holy crap my dear friends on this site.

Older woman is DEFINITELY into me. Talking to her tonight. This keeps happening. A tiny little conversation that starts with a funny meme turns into a deep heartfelt talk. She is being very upfront with her feelings with me tonight. She DEFINITELY is into me. I'm REALLY excited to go see her now...!
 

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Discussion Starter #94
Aaand...younger woman texted me saying she felt no chemistry. So I basically am squarely focused on the woman I'm so interested in who is 17 years older, and she seems very interested in me. This is quite easily the most interesting moment of my life.
 

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Discussion Starter #95
I forgot to mention I discovered some age gap rule:

"According to the rule, the age of the younger partner (regardless of gender) should be no less than seven more than half the older partner's age. Martin, then, shouldn't date anyone younger than 26 and a half; Lawrence shouldn't go above 34. The rule is widely cited, but its origins are hard to pin down. "

So according to this, the woman I'm interested in shouldn't date someone younger than 34. I'm 37.

According to this, my ex wife shouldn't date someone younger than 27 (she is 40). He is 21. HAHA. I feel smug.

According to this, my sister's soon to be ex husband shouldn't date someone younger than 31. He cheated on my sister with someone who was 28. HAHA. I feel smug.
 

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I don't have time to read all the posts but I'll chime in and please excuse any repeats. I dated a lady 15 years younger than myself with kids 8 and 10 years younger than my daughter. I had to think through a lot of that before trying to build a serious relationship.

Some issues I had to consider (take whatever fits your situation):
  • Do I have the energy level and patience to keep up with a younger spouse and her kids?
  • Do we have compatible goals? She's done having kids and we were both still building careers, so that was set. But that's in no way guaranteed with a large age gap.
  • Is she okay with the likelihood that I'll predecease her and leave her a widow as she's entering her golden years?
  • Can I afford to help maintain a larger family? Treating the three kids unequally would be a bad move and I get zero help from my kid's mom financially.
  • Can I afford to leave my partner on solid financial footing assuming I do predecease her?
Luckily I had that under control and the relationship ended for stuff unrelated to the age gap. But before embarking on an LTR with a much older person you need to consider your (both of you) values, expectations, and resources because these issues will come before you know it.
 

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Holy crap my dear friends on this site.

Older woman is DEFINITELY into me. Talking to her tonight. This keeps happening. A tiny little conversation that starts with a funny meme turns into a deep heartfelt talk. She is being very upfront with her feelings with me tonight. She DEFINITELY is into me. I'm REALLY excited to go see her now...!
And the rest of us are here like "duh" after the part about age being just a number. LOL!!

Dude, if you're into it and she's into it, go for it. See if you even get along well together before worrying about all the what-ifs in an age-gap situation. Shoot, you might even find that she's considered this carefully after knowing your ex for a while and seeing what kind of uy you are. This isn't some blind date.
 

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Who cares If your not an extrovert. You talk about yourself like your defective. Your not! Stop thinking about all the things you are not and start focusing on all the things that you are! Your a really nice guy, loyal, smart, funny, in good shape, good job etc. any girl would be lucky to have a guy like you. Stop selling yourself short.
This! You don't even have to be in that great a shape, have that good a job, etc. Just be a decent interesting guy who takes care of business and you stand out from the large pool of blah men you hear women complaining about regularly.
 

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We have the example of the French President E.Macron (42) who is married to a 67 y.o woman. Their marriage seems to be working but I wouldn't rely on this example alone to state that it'll work for similar examples.
This is a bad example. Macron's wife was actually his HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER when they met. Somehow he started wooing her while he was a student and she eventually left her husband for him. Comical yet kinda creepy.
 
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