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Update: Holy crap...she's actually into me. She's talking about visiting me here and I was already planning on visiting her there (she lives in the town I moved from). so... this might actually happen (older woman). Now I'm kind of excited. Now what the heck do I do with this new girl I met who I set a date with this saturday? I should probably keep it cause its not like the relationship with the older woman is absolutely certain, but she is definitely interested.
You want to have the other girls as a back-up plan. This enough should tell you that they are not the one for you.
If dating them progresses in any relationship (with any of them)..think about it.... would you be satisfied by marrying a back-up plan?
It wouldn't make you happy in the long run.
 

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Good lord, really? My mom is nearly 80 and practically runs circles around me, and I'm active.
I'm happy for you. My mom is 92 and my sister died when she was 64.

Hopefully, the universe will find you to be a person of interest and not lay waste to your plans to live a long and healthy life. Enjoy your stay.
 

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Discussion Starter #63 (Edited)
You want to have the other girls as a back-up plan. This enough should tell you that they are not the one for you.
If dating them progresses in any relationship (with any of them)..think about it.... would you be satisfied by marrying a back-up plan?
It wouldn't make you happy in the long run.
Neither of the two women are backup plans right now. The two things happened at the same time, I can't control that. I was forming a bond with the older woman, and then this younger woman appeared on match.com and I've had one date with her. Neither relationship is set in stone. Rest assured, I would not play games with either of them. The older woman knows I have been dating (and she has too, its just that it doesn't work out for either of us, maybe because we actuallly like each other?). and I won't let things go on too long with the younger woman (if they even get past the second date). Nothing's set in stone anyway; maybe I end up developing feelings for this younger woman faster than expected (I don't expect this right now honestly, but woh knows) and it'll go the other way. I've never been in this position before, and quite frankly, it feels really really good that two women are at least interested in me at the moment.

I should add, I'm super old fashioned and so is the new girl I started dating---I won't be getting sexually involved with more than one person. I would never do that.
 

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You’re being completely unfair to the younger woman because it’s obvious you don’t have a real interest in her.


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I'm happy for you. My mom is 92 and my sister died when she was 64.

Hopefully, the universe will find you to be a person of interest and not lay waste to your plans to live a long and healthy life. Enjoy your stay.
Thanks for the good wishes. I'm truly sorry about your sister 😪
 

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Discussion Starter #66
You’re being completely unfair to the younger woman because it’s obvious you don’t have a real interest in her.


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That's not 100% true. I only had ONE date with her, it seems unwise to write her off immediately. But maybe I should break it off after the second date if I don't feel anything.
 

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Update: Holy crap...she's actually into me. She's talking about visiting me here and I was already planning on visiting her there (she lives in the town I moved from). so... this might actually happen (older woman). Now I'm kind of excited. Now what the heck do I do with this new girl I met who I set a date with this saturday? I should probably keep it cause its not like the relationship with the older woman is absolutely certain, but she is definitely interested.
I would just be honest with the new girl. Early in the date this saturday, just mention that you're playing the field a bit right now.

She probably is, too. Same goes for the older woman.
 

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Discussion Starter #68
I would just be honest with the new girl. Early in the date this saturday, just mention that you're playing the field a bit right now.

She probably is, too. Same goes for the older woman.
Good advice. Yes, I had planned to be up front with the new girl about things, that I'm not planning on being exclusive super fast or anything. Older woman is already aware. she's been dating too. but, its getting a little clearer she and I want to find out if we can be a thing. we have so much in common its insane, AND we have formed this bond over being screwed over by our divorces. this could be a recipe for dynamite ;)
 

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I've never been in this position before, and quite frankly, it feels really really good that two women are at least interested in me at the moment.
This is what I feared. You're getting an ego boost but this doesn't give you the right to keep plan A and B with women.
 

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Discussion Starter #70
This is what I feared. You're getting an ego boost but this doesn't give you the right to keep plan A and B with women.
Well, the thing is both things are pretty new. The older woman is keeping an open mind, she didn't say she's ready to hop in bed with me the instant we see each other again. The younger woman I JUST met, and is not on anything remotely approaching an exclusive basis yet. I haven't even kissed her. I probably won't to be honest, because I have difficulty investing those sorts of emotions into more than one person at a time. Which could be problematic that my emotions are currently invested in the older woman, but it might not work out. So, it's just a tricky situation. Yes my ego got a boost but I'm also a very emotionally mature person and I know what's going on, and have no intention of hurting anybody or stringing anyone along.
 

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This is what I feared. You're getting an ego boost but this doesn't give you the right to keep plan A and B with women.
Why not? As long as you're being honest. They're also probably dating other people and figuring things out.
 

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Update: Holy crap...she's actually into me. She's talking about visiting me here and I was already planning on visiting her there (she lives in the town I moved from). so... this might actually happen (older woman). Now I'm kind of excited. Now what the heck do I do with this new girl I met who I set a date with this saturday? I should probably keep it cause its not like the relationship with the older woman is absolutely certain, but she is definitely interested.
Congrats, glad I was wrong about her feelings for you!
 

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Discussion Starter #73 (Edited)
Congrats, glad I was wrong about her feelings for you!
I mean its definitely not like absolutely 100% for sure going to happen. And actually I keep thinking about everything she said to me, and, part of me is wondering if she just wants to have a fling with me but not long term. But I mean she left it all open, saying optimistically that she doesn't know what her future holds and to just live life. So, she seems receptive to the possibility and has definitely been talking to me more and seeming more playful than usual in how she does, as well as discussing possible plans to visit each other. So, there seems like a really good chance of this happening. She made me promise I'd stay her friend no matter what, that's the part that tells me she might have no intention of wanting to have anything with me long term. But I'm okay with this. We're in the same spot with life really. Various family members keep telling me I should want kids but I'm almost 37 and I still don't know (i..e obviously being involved with this older woman long term would prevent that). So I'm gonna go for it cause I've wanted her for so long.
 

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In dating, it's usually good to have options, until you decide to be exclusive. I found that one date was usually enough to decide if someone was a poor match, but it could take several dates to determine if someone was a good match and worth dating further. Even so, many of the initially good matches did not last beyond a few months - about the length of time I usually needed to decide on being exclusive. So, until then, having other prospects kept the dating momentum going.

Some people dislike multi-dating, but many - like myself - find it efficient and effective, and in no way interferes with deciding when to become exclusive.
 

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Well, if you haven't said you will be exclusive to EITHER of them, you can certainly keep both dates if you think YOU can handle doing that. BUT make sure you are doing it for the right reasons and not making the younger girl your plan B.
One thing I wanted to mention:
The sad thing is, if I hadn't been through my first marriage where I was passively abused/neglected, and I met this nice girl when I was a naive kid that still believed in marriage, I would be all in because she matches pretty much everything to a T that I would have wanted.
But now I find that I am terrified.
or example, a lot of folks see me say that I'm divorced and imagine I went through an ordeal. However, it was a pretty easy divorce, no conflict, no courts. Was over in 3 months. So, I'm afraid that if I accept the idea that I have so much more to work through, that it would just be my lazy side going: "yeah! don't try to go for someone who could offer you a real life, just DO NOTHING. ITS EASIER" haha.
So the DIVORCE itself was pretty easy, but the relationship was awful? To ME, it sounds like you haven't really healed from marriage issues. It already IS affecting any potential relationship here. Maybe you should consider some IC to get past those fears/issues so that no matter WHO you date, you will be a "better" you and able to really appreciate and go "all in" to the new relationship.
I'd hate to see you miss out on something good due to the unresolved issues from your marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter #76
Yes, the relationship was extremely desolate. Everything was right physically, and she took care of the house, and of me, in a totally dutiful fashion, but the warmth and emotions that were somewhat there in the beginning grew totally cold after about 5 years, and she stopped even wanting to hug me most of the time or cuddle on the couch---I actually got pretty upset about this and practically begged her to keep showing me that kind of affection, but in 2015 when I found this site I got advice here to STOP lecturing her about how often we had sex and stop asking her for even the affection because just that begging/clingy behavior might be part of the problem. Well, it was definitely part of the problem, and I STOPPED all of that behavior cold turkey. Things got a little better for a while, at least with sex, but she still was cold towards me emotionally and remained so up until when she cheated. Though, during her affair, suddenly sex was really good and I now realize she must have been thinking about her new lover. Ugh.

So yeah til she cheated I had everything I needed except an emotional connection. It was desolate. Kind of like if I had a droid wife who did everything a wife needs to do for a husband, except being an actual human that loves him.

I'm terrified primarily of the idea of having children, not really of another relationship. There are so many reasons I'm terrified:
-one sister had a stillbirth
-other sister had an autistic child, and it is 24/7 torture. I myself while I love my nephew have great difficulty remaining calm around him because he is so difficult.
-the world is becoming increasingly more hostile to family life
-my parents already spent hundreds of thousands of dollars propping up me and my ex wife, bought us a house, paid for tons of home improvements, paid for our wedding, and many other gifs. I HATE.....HATE HATE HATE HATE the idea of being in a situation that would prompt them to prop me up yet again.
-we're ruining the planet and the world really doesn't need more humans for a while. let's cool it!
-my lifestyle has been extremely peaceful for 37 years, the idea of suddenly having a baby shrieking in my face 24/7 I think I would not be able to handle it.
 

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Discussion Starter #78
What did she say was the reason for being so cold?

Your next relationship, you need to realize that you need to split the a household work 50-50.
Haha, you don't know the whole truth. We definitely did. I took out the garbage, I did 100% of the cat litter every single morning, I mowed the lawn, I maintained the coal furnace, I did lots of handy things around the house. Also, she didn't work, only I did, so I think I took on more than enough. Honestly the truth is, I would be a fantastic husband to a woman who appreciated what I had to offer, she just didn't. And had deep issues of her own, her dad committed suicide. Probably had something to do with her being unable to connect emotionally.

Now, I did lecture her alot early in the relationship, about lots of things, for both good and bad reasons:
-annoyed with quirks of hers like gushing over cats constantly (that was stupid of me)
-pushed her to get violin lessons because she always wanted to learn. I offered to pay. She declined.
-pushed her to lose weight ALONG WITH ME (it was not stated like I was unhappy with her weight). When I stopped lecturing her about this, she did take this one thing on by herself.
-pushed her to learn to drive so she could help me with big responsibilities like driving her sick mother around. she never did.
-pushed her to at least talk to me about the future and decide about children. In retrospect, I was unable to determine if I wanted them, I just wanted her to nail it down.
-lectured her about how often we had sex. I STOPPED THIS in 2015 completely, cold turkey, due to advice I received on this site. Things did get better for a while. Now, it is very easy for me to abstrain from sexual activity including masturbation for weeks at a time---this will be a great gift for my next partner, cause waiting just makes it better!

So, I worked really hard at improving what I may have caused with regards to her feeling cold emotionally but the truth is she never lifted a finger to really help advance our relationship or connection. I asked her nearly every month how Iw as doing as a husband, whether I was listening well etc. etc. And then when she cheated she said she hadn't felt anything for me in 5 years. Well then why teh **** didn't she talk to me when I asked? She ****ed up big time.
 

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Haha, you don't know the whole truth. We definitely did. I took out the garbage, I did 100% of the cat litter every single morning, I mowed the lawn, I maintained the coal furnace, I did lots of handy things around the house. Also, she didn't work, only I did, so I think I took on more than enough. Honestly the truth is, I would be a fantastic husband to a woman who appreciated what I had to offer, she just didn't. And had deep issues of her own, her dad committed suicide. Probably had something to do with her being unable to connect emotionally.
Yea that changes things.
But it still doesn’t change what I said about more than likely having to split house hold chores 50-50 in your new relationship.

I don’t know exactly what kind of setup you want for your new relationship, but most women want 50-50.
It’s ok to want the women to do all the household work, but that will probably only happen if she stays home and doesn’t work. Not many women do this, especially with no kids.
 

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Discussion Starter #80
Talk about a role reversal. Usually it is the man who can't open up. I was the emotionally vulnerable and communicative one, she was the totally closed off one.
 
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