Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 117 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
177 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
What are your thoughts on relationships with a large age gap? Usually in our culture it's never considered weird if the man is significantly older, only if the woman is. So I happen to be good friends with a woman who is a lot older than me. She's single as well, we have a lot in common and enjoy talking to each other. It's PROBABLY not going to materialize into an actual relationship, but at the same time it isn't impossible for a variety of reasons.

I grew up with older sisters and my parents had me in their 40's, so I tend to relate to people much older than me much more easily than folks my age or younger. Forming a real connection with someone my age or younger (30's or younger) seems to be impossible for me despite attempts to make friends and date using e-harmony etc.

I know there are precedents out there for this type of age gap but I was just curious for more perspectives and thoughts on it. I'm certainly aware of the possible dangers and downsides to such a relationship, but then what relationship doesn't have potential pitfalls and challenges? There's no such thing as "safe" when it comes to love, I think.

Due to being a highly introspective person I learned a ton from my first marriage, and I strongly feel I put away a lot of the prideful sorts of mental hangups that turn toxic and cause men to ruin their marriages. (I probably did contribute to my own marriage failing, but there are certain things I definitely got better at near the end of my marriage) I've dealt with and put away porn addiction for instance. I also dealt with and put away a tendency to be petulant and demanding towards my spouse concerning sex. I have invested a lot of time and energy into learning to be patient and gentle. Which makes me think I would be an ideal lover for a woman older than me. Who knows though, but I enjoy thinking about the possibility.

As a side note, the advice which led to be being more patient towards my first wife and putting away porn addiction, came from a generous individual who was on this site who reached out to me personally. I don't know if you're still here, but thank you and this site for being here.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,710 Posts
Once people's personalities have crystallized as adults, often not until close to 30, age becomes mostly irrelevant to who they are as a person. It may not matter much now, and for years to come, but you should be prepared for someone nearing end of life while you are still young and vibrant. If sitting at home and watching a movie together is your idea of a great date night, perhaps that won't be a problem. If you're active, more so.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
177 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
That's precisely one of the things that is a point of consideration for me. My childhood was extremely peaceful and isolated. My adolescence was extremely peaceful and isolated. Even my cold 11 year marriage which ended was peaceful and isolated. Now that I'm living alone, it is peaceful and isolated and not extremely active. Not that I don't like to do things that are fun, and I think the person I'm interested in is too, but I guess I just feel my energy level has been calibrated to people older than me my whole life. Folks younger than me frequently do seem kind of hyper like I could never keep up, haha. So who knows.

And yeah, if this actually did materialize, I'd be signing up for (assuming the relationship lasts) something that could become sad or painful later as I could lose her long before I would have if I was with someone closer to my age, but...I mean...when it's as hard as it is to find a true connection with someone, I'm not sure if I can ignore real feelings I may be developing. I guess only time will tell if she feels the same way. I'm kind of expecting not, and I'm trying to prepare myself for simply having a good female friend who maybe I have feelings for, but you don't have to necessarily have a relationship with everyone that your heart is fond of.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,217 Posts
I'm 52 and dating a guy who is 36. It is working for us. Since I've been divorced and dating, I've been shocked at the number of younger men who were interested in me. I ended up dating several of them, between 5 and 15 years younger than me. At first I was a bit wary about younger guys, but I learned quickly that for their own reasons (some similar to the ones you listed) they were simply more interested in older women than younger ones. I dated guys my own age and a bit older as well. The relationship I'm in is the best one by far, of all of the ages of guys I dated. However that's because we are just a really great match and I think we would be even if we didn't have an age difference. Although when I was his age I was nowhere near as mature and cool as he is.

With the woman you are interested in, she may have no clue you'd ever be interested in her that way so if she hasn't done anything that seems like flirting or trying to get beyond the friend zone, then either she isn't interested in you that way OR she would be if she thought you might be but she won't guess that you are. So you'll likely have to press the issue if you want to know.

My current guy was one of the first younger guys I had dated (then we broke up for a year and got back together and I dated a bunch of younger guys in between). When we were first chatting on a dating site, he had to convince me to give him a shot because I just couldn't fathom why he'd be interested. Once I met him, I realized he was so right, we were a great match! And after talking to all the other younger guys I dated, I realized it is just a normal thing now. There were so many of them, great guys who just have a preference for older women and it isn't a game or anything odd. I think some men have always been interested the same way but it just wasn't socially acceptable previously. These days the younger dudes are just doing what they want and not worried about what people would think.

In my case, I have no desire to get married again or live with anyone. So I'm not looking at my relationship like what happens when I am in my golden years and he's still in his prime because I just don't have that goal. However, if we did end up going the distance, I don't think that would be so weird anymore. Knowing who he is, things like that would just be part of life to him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
177 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
With the woman you are interested in, she may have no clue you'd ever be interested in her that way so if she hasn't done anything that seems like flirting or trying to get beyond the friend zone, then either she isn't interested in you that way OR she would be if she thought you might be but she won't guess that you are. So you'll likely have to press the issue if you want to know.
Thanks for your thoughts Faithful Wife. That's a similar age gap actually to my situation, slightly smaller in fact. I actually did blurt out the other day off hand how attractive I thought she was. (and some other stuff, but can't be too careful about preserving anonymity here so I don't want to say exactly what I said lol). She's taken incredibly good care of herself, if I met her on the street I would never have guessed her age. When I told her that it seemed to make her day and she's been talking to me a bunch since then so perhaps it isn't impossible. Time will tell I guess. Regardless of whether it materializes into a relationship she's a great friend. I'm glad she is in my life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
751 Posts
While anonymity is great I think you are worried a little too much. The exact age gap or telling someone they have a fine ass. is common enough that it won't point you out of all the people in the world.

I think relationships with large age gaps can work but you also have to be realistic. Such as do you want kids? have you already had them? Older women tend to be past child bearing years. Many people don't think about kids until they realize they might want one. You haven't stated your age so it's hard to tell if this may be a concern or not. The other is work life / social life. Older people eventually get to retire sometimes that works great other times the person who is retired wants to travel or do other things the younger still working one can't. Health and eventual death.

Many of those things don't matter if you aren't looking for a long term relationship. Of course if aren't then what would the age gap matter anyway? You can have sex with any consenting adult.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
177 Posts
Discussion Starter #9 (Edited)
While anonymity is great I think you are worried a little too much. The exact age gap or telling someone they have a fine ass. is common enough that it won't point you out of all the people in the world.

I think relationships with large age gaps can work but you also have to be realistic. Such as do you want kids? have you already had them? Older women tend to be past child bearing years. Many people don't think about kids until they realize they might want one. You haven't stated your age so it's hard to tell if this may be a concern or not. The other is work life / social life. Older people eventually get to retire sometimes that works great other times the person who is retired wants to travel or do other things the younger still working one can't. Health and eventual death.

Many of those things don't matter if you aren't looking for a long term relationship. Of course if aren't then what would the age gap matter anyway? You can have sex with any consenting adult.
I'm gonna use this as a jumping off point for introspecting about whether I want kids, so only read on if you find this interesting:

The kids issue is one that has plagued me for a while particularly thru my first marriage. She never wanted to talk about the future at all, I was always the one who brought up the possibility of kids. She never wanted them, but she also never learned to drive AND, I ended up driving her around AND her ailing mother because her mom had cancer at one point, and on top of all that I was on her mother's mortgage to keep her in her house in 2008 due to the mortgage crisis.

So after 11 years I kind of already feel like I was a dad, to my wife and my wife's mother. I was ridiculously altruistic to both of them for a long time. Probably not on the same level as a parent, but I got so little appreciation for what I did for so long that I almost feel like i've already been through that.

And, both of my sisters had tragic circumstances with their children. One died, the other has a very serious condition that will affect him and his family for life.

And, I have always led a very tranquil, low energy lifestyle, with parents much older than me (they were in their 40's). Closest thing I ever had to a sibling was sister 11 years older than me who played with me a lot but she was off to college by the time I was 7 or 8 or so. Any time I'm around my sisters' children I get exhausted very quickly.

And then there's the fact I have a lot of trouble relating to my own generation and younger, probably due to having parents who were born in the late 30's.

So yeah, I'm kinda thinking maybe I don't want kids, haha.

My sister was telling me how non-white women tend to want kids more and told me of this guy who had a latina girlfriend who really wanted to get married and have kids, and he was freaked out so he dumped her and she moved on to another guy and was married and had kids with the guy within 2 years. And I was thinking to myself, gosh, if I met a girl who was THAT gung ho about starting a family right away, just the THOUGHT of that sounds exhausting, all the time and energy and expense I'd have to go through. I guess I already felt used by one woman. She wanted a house when I didn't want one, TWICE, and we were only in the second house for a year before she cheated on me.

I just feel like I'm already done with the attempt to live a normal life and just want a partner now...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19,268 Posts
Sounds like you two are a good fit. Be sure you don't want kids, don't start something with her and then 5 years down the road change your mind and make it a dealbreaker. But just start dating her.

If she's in her 40s and you're in your 30s, there's no point in being coy.

"Listen, we're great friends and I don't want to lose that. But I have to be honest here, I'm kind of into you. How would you feel about dating and seeing what happens?"

If she says no, blow it off, and be happy just being friends. If she agrees to dating, then jump in with gusto and have fun. Life is for living.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,648 Posts
My second husband was 16 years older than me. It never really was an issue. However now (we are divorced) I am about to turn 50, and cannot imagine being married to a man of 66. We would be in very different places in our lives and I would feel like I was taking care of a parent rather than a husband. So do consider the future and how your feeling could change.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,213 Posts
My initial reaction to this was...if you don’t want kids, GO FOR IT. Overall I think that would still be my answer, but I wanted to throw out this thought provoking question...

Tomorrow a beautiful, single woman, right around your age surfaces and she clearly is into you.
You need to decide who to start to date, her or your friend. Who would you pick?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,567 Posts
She may want to be fwb.

How would you react to that?

You already know the larger age gaps work in early and mid life ages more as fwbs, because as we age, the differences between 55 yo and 70 yo will inevitably be a large issue.

Mostly. But certainly only you know what's best for you. It would be a shame to have a 10 or 15 year M then later D. That wouldn't be right.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
406 Posts
From what you have said, I'd recommend finding out her feelings on the matter.
The issue might be moot.
I'd say if you are both happy together, and can work through the the baggage that goes with it, go for it.
I once dated a woman 25 years older than me.
She was all in. She proposed. All I needed to do was put a ring on it.
Unfortunately for her, I wasn't in that deep.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
177 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
Here's a classic you two can watch together:

I've actually been a big fan of this movie since childhood. I've always liked weird people and weird things, and that has probably led to me considering this possibility.

As for difference between a 55 year old and a 70 year old,, who knows. I'm only 37 but I'm already slowing down sexually. I don't think I even think about it more than maybe once every week and a half or two weeks. And I'm active, eat healthy etc. Must just be the way I'm made.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
32 Posts
I've seen successful marriages in which the woman is significantly older. Not my own; I've never been into older women. But I've seen many that seemed to work really well. My sense is it worked when I've seen it work because a mature woman can be really grounding and some men appreciate that. It's always involved men who are looking deeper than the surface. He's drawn to the heart of the woman as much as or more than to her outer beauty, though there may also be some who just find older women more physically attractive.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
177 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
Welp I basically told her today in a letter how I feel about her. After an excruciating six hours or so I finally received a response. She didn't shut the door on me right away so, seems like she's at least considering the possibility.
 
1 - 20 of 117 Posts
Top