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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hello,

I am 46 and have been with my husband for 30 years. We have 3 young boys. We have a great marriage and love each other very much. My husband is very affectionate and likes to touch me whenever he can, so I'm lucky. However, I am bored of our sex life. We have sex I'd say 3-4 times a week, which I know is a lot. At least once a week, I get woken up at 2 am, 5am, etc for sex. I'd say most of the time, I have to reach over for a lubricant because I'm not wet. That didn't seem to bother me before, but now that I want more, I resent that he's ready and I'm dry as a bone. I am capable of getting wet so it's not like I can't get turned on.

Also, the only way I can reach an orgasm is from oral sex, which my husband does about 2-3x/month, so that means most of the time he reaches an orgasm and I don't. Rarely, I can reach an orgasm with manual stimulation. We have unsuccessfully tried to find my G-spot many times with his fingers and a g-spot vibrator.

Most times, I feel like I have no nerve endings at all in my vagina and rubbing my arm would feel as stimulating as sex. Although sometimes I do think it feels good. Maybe it's my state of mind. Also, often my husband has premature ejaculation. I don't know what average time for sex is for a guy, but usually sex lasts less than 2-3 minutes, which I know my husband feels bad about. Maybe he feels bad for me, but I don't feel much anyway and don't orgasm so sex is really for him. Last week it lasted 3 seconds - literally - in, out, in and he was done. We tried again about 5 minutes later and that lasted 5 seconds.

Re: oral sex, I'd like him to be better at that too. Sometimes he just misses the clitoris and can be working for a long time but I can't orgasm because it's not even on the right spot. I'm very shy about speaking up, but a few weeks ago, before we got started, I turned on the light and said that I want to show him where my clitoris is, because it is very small, but he said that he knew where it is and that I have different sensititivities at different times. My shower head gets the right spot every time. I've read books and suggested that he do some teasing, make letters with his tongue and fingers, try some different things, but I think he's just offended by this. When I suggest using a vibrator, like during sex so I can orgasm, too, I think he's offended, too. I read about a book, "She Comes First" all about oral sex, which I'd like him to read but don't even know how to approach that.

Although my husband initiates the touching/sex more than me, I do take the initiative at least once/week and while he's touching me, I'll touch back. Sometimes after a while when he's performing oral sex, I just lay there and count to myself and play counting games or when I'm doing oral sex (which I do 3-4x month). I always have BDSM fantasies during sex/foreplay, especially after reading the Fifty Shades books and Cherise Sinclair books, but after I run through a few fantasies and still haven't had an orgasm, I get bored of my own fantasies.

Any advice? Thanks for listening.
 

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If he loves you, he will find a way to make you O.
Sounds like when he wakes you up for sex, you need a bit of foreplay before he goes to town, that way you can be moist.
You have the same problem I have with my wife...I can make all of the suggestions in the world, but she rarely steps up to the plate to actually try them.
Overall, you need more oral in your sex life. Suggest and see how willing he is to provide more oral...and also find out if he is willing to initiate and fulfill any of your BDSM fantasies. If my wife asked me for either...I'd be on it faster than your husband's premature ejaculation.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
HA! How do you make someone want to perform oral sex more? If my husband asked more for more oral sex, I don't know how I could possibly want to do it more. As it is, I do it because I know he likes it, but not because I particularly like it. I often give myself a countdown in my head on when to start because I'm really not so motivated. I know that is lame. So to ask in return for the same thing - I don't know about that.
 

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'A', 'H', and 'O'

Slooooowwwwwwllllllly, a second ('one Mississippi') from beginning the 'A' to the end.

tick... tock... tick... tock...
 

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You need to be very blunt with your husband. Tell him how you love him and how important sex is to you.

Make sure he knows that you only have an orgasm a couple of times a month, even though you are having sex 20 times a month. Tell him you are getting bored.

I love sex, But the most important part of it to me is ensuring she has an orgasm. My wife will rarely come during intercourse. It usually happens during oral or with toys.

I know you have tried to talk to him, but maybe being very blunt will help.
 

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HA! How do you make someone want to perform oral sex more? If my husband asked more for more oral sex, I don't know how I could possibly want to do it more. As it is, I do it because I know he likes it, but not because I particularly like it. I often give myself a countdown in my head on when to start because I'm really not so motivated. I know that is lame. So to ask in return for the same thing - I don't know about that.
You can't change him but you can set the tone for him to change himself

1. Work on your own enthusiasm. If my wife gave me a BJ and I got the same reaction as when she's washing dishes.....yeah, I wouldn't be excited to perform better sexually

2. Be blunt with your husband but focus 100% on teaching him, and 0% on criticising him. Tell him what you wrote about how you feel with sex, how vaginal stimulation doesn't do a lot for you but clitoral does. I GUARANTEE your husband wants to please you. Make an agreement for 1 month. December is going to be clit-month. For the month of December, all sex starts with you orgasming from clitoral stimulation first, then sex. This will do a couple things, one make you have more fun which will increase your enthusiasm etc. and also your husband will feel like a better lover increasing his desire to do even better etc. It's cycles, get on a good cycle.

My wife is 90% clit stimulation 10% vag. She can't orgasm from penetration. She can only orgasm from her clit. When we have sex, I make sure she orgasms before hand. It makes the sex that follows more enjoyable for her and then I don't have any pressure. If I last 30 minutes...Great, if I last 3...so be it. There's no deadline other than when I finish because she's already gotten hers. Female orgasm should be part of FOREPLAY :smthumbup: then the rest of the sex is just gravy.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Thanks for all the advice. I'm going to think hard on it. Why do I find it so hard to have a conversation about sex? The few times I've brought it up - the new ideas or things to try, it was totally nerve wracking and almost petrifying feeling to me. I started and stopped so many times to say something. Like I'm confessing the most horrible thing. I don't even know what I'm afraid or ashamed of. Is it because suggesting doing things another way is criticizing the way he's doing things now? Maybe because I think he already has low self esteem about sex because of the premature ejaculation situation. OK - so how do you all suggest I talk about sex? In bed? On a date? Should I have a drink or 2? And what am I actually saying. Thanks so much for the different perspectives. I think I'm getting emboldened.
 

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Mam, its been thirty years and you have given him children, the time for being "shy" is over.
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I have a book written by Lou Paget entitled "How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure....totally explicit techniques every woman wants her man to know". It is a fantastic book. I have read it several times, and have actually made notes in it after verifying certain suggestions and positions with my Princess. I would highly recommend that you buy this book, read it, and then giving it to your husband after you highlight some of the pages that look interesting to you.
 

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Just guide him when he's down there. I get so turned on when my wife moves me over just an inch to hit the best spot. I have no confidence issues so its just a hot moment for both of us.
 

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Sweetie you train people how to treat you. With your actions you've essentially told your husband that what he's doing is perfectly fine. You're okay with being penetrated when you're still dry. You're okay with only having a few orgasms a month. You're okay with him getting his 3-4 times a week. You're okay with him being lazy and not having to DO anything. Not even to seek help for his PE problem. Most women (myself included) cannot orgasm from just a few minutes of intercourse.

I'm not a big fan of talking and I'm thinking after 30 years he isn't going to listen anyway. You're likely going to have to do something radical to get his attention.

First off I'd stop letting him have sex before you're turned on. Just say no and tell him you need help. If he isn't willing then no sex. Quit rewarding bad behavior.

Secondly I'd get a vibrator and I'd use it. She comes first is the name of that book for a reason. Your husband is offended? He needs to get over it. If he won't do oral then you have no choice but to use a vibe. Put the choice in his hands.

Nobody should have to settle for boring sad unsatisfying sex but if you keep saying yes nothing will ever change. Quit settling. :)
 

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You are having sex to make him happy but I venture to say that it will not be long before you shut down completely.

You created this monster and you are in control. Get your husbands attention. Stop feeding into this and put a temporary moratorium on sex.

Have a talk with him in a loving way. Listen to him and ask him to hear you. Be explicit, write down what you want to say.

If he gets uncooperative, stop the exchange and tell him when he is ready to hear you let you know.

If he continues to resist, get MC. If he does not go, you go without him. He will eventually go with you.

Being cut off from 30 yrs of selfish sex will be a great motivator.

Do this with tenderness and love. He does not know how good he has it. I know that you are not planning on leaving him now but you may reach a tipping point and just walk away.

He needs to know that if you walk, he will have a very hard time finding a woman willing to have sex 3 -4 times a week with a sexually selfish man.

Good luck.
 
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You are having sex to make him happy but I venture to say that it will not be long before you shut down completely.

You created this monster and you are in control. Get your husbands attention. Stop feeding into this and put a temporary moratorium on sex.

Have a talk with him in a loving way. Listen to him and ask him to hear you. Be explicit, write down what you want to say.

If he gets uncooperative, stop the exchange and tell him when he is ready to hear you let you know.

If he continues to resist, get MC. If he does not go, you go without him. He will eventually go with you.

Being cut off from 30 yrs of selfish sex will be a great motivator.

Do this with tenderness and love. He does not know how good he has it. I know that you are not planning on leaving him now but you may reach a tipping point and just walk away.

He needs to know that if you walk, he will have a very hard time finding a woman willing to have sex 3 -4 times a week with a sexually selfish man.

Good luck.
Catherine, that is great advice....and very well said....especially your last line. He will NEVER find a woman willing to have sex 3-4 times a week with a sexually selfish man!!!!!! That is a fact!
 

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Lots of great advice here, hope you are able to take some of it.

My other small addition is: even though you're nervous/shy about the issue, try to fake confidence when you are speaking to him on this. If you act nervous to speak to him on these issues, it sends him a signal that you are unsure about what you're saying. Thus, it might not be important or real.

It may help if you put on a show of confidence. It might help you to become confident after a while, but in the mean-time it'll help him to know you're serious.

Because... it IS important, and you are right to want better!
 

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If he wakes you up to have sex why not do the same for him but after waking him up sit right on his face.

If He only last a few minutes they he needs to get you off first so when he does do oral or uses a Vibrator on you and is doing it corectly make sure you let him know in a loud way how much you like it.


I am with everybody else you need to talk with him.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
THANK YOU ALL SO SO SO MUCH. I have so much doubt that I have a right to feel this way, that I feel bad about myself and feel like I'm the jerk. I don't know what I have a right to ask for. Thank you for the confidence and helping me feel more emboldened and that advice about sounding confident. I'm not going to pour it all out in one shot. As another poster said, I don't want to criticize, but as embarrassed as I am, even while in the act, or sitting and talking, I will try to instruct more instead of my fear of making him feel bad. Thank you. Also, I have thought that since I said something once (which was hard enough to say), that is enough, but I see that I need to be more assertive if he's not touching me the way I like. Why does talking about this make me have such ogida? Maybe because changing the "dance" after 30 years is hard. I will re-read everything above a few times and really take it to heart.
 

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Sex between a man and a woman is not just a "biological" function like getting up in the middle of the night to pee. But, married couples seem to treat it this way, "Let's have sex so we can go back to sleep." lol

If you want arousal along with your sex, then you have to create an environment for arousal, like a romantic dinner out. It may seem odd at first that you or your husband needs to seduce the other, but that's the way it works. After 30 years of marriage (which is a great thing by the way), you need to work at making sex hot just like you would work at resolving any other marriage issue.

You need to be inspired. He needs to stir up some lust in you. And what the heck is wrong with that? Otherwise, he should just masturbate and go back to sleep.

Marcus
 

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Discussion Starter #19
You need to be inspired. He needs to stir up some lust in you. And what the heck is wrong with that? Otherwise, he should just masturbate and go back to sleep.

Marcus
HA!

Stirring up lust at 5am is tough. It's even tougher to be 'subjected' to oral sex at 5am. Although oral sex is the only way I can orgasm, he's not so good at it (I know - I need to be a better teacher, though he doesn't seem to listen) and until the end when I'm going to climax, it's pretty frustrating to me.

So, to be awakened with him between my legs, it is very very very difficult to flip that switch and be suddenly aroused. I'd rather have it performed on my when I'm in a state of arousal and wanting/needing it, not in a comatose state where it is a nuisance.

That only happens once or twice a year though. NExt time I need to speak up and say, "not now, how about later or tonight when I'm awake."

I just have this HUGE problem with not wanting to bruise his ego. I need to get over that and put my own needs first.
 

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HA!

Stirring up lust at 5am is tough. It's even tougher to be 'subjected' to oral sex at 5am. Although oral sex is the only way I can orgasm, he's not so good at it (I know - I need to be a better teacher, though he doesn't seem to listen) and until the end when I'm going to climax, it's pretty frustrating to me.

So, to be awakened with him between my legs, it is very very very difficult to flip that switch and be suddenly aroused. I'd rather have it performed on my when I'm in a state of arousal and wanting/needing it, not in a comatose state where it is a nuisance.

That only happens once or twice a year though. NExt time I need to speak up and say, "not now, how about later or tonight when I'm awake."

I just have this HUGE problem with not wanting to bruise his ego. I need to get over that and put my own needs first.
I totally agree with the timing and your need to first be aroused.

As for oral, you stated before that you do it because you know he likes it. All you are asking for is for him to reciprocate that same interest...because you like it. That is where I am having issue with my wife. I do it because I truly want to see her encompassed in pleasure. Please, just reciprocate!
My wife is very much a novice when it comes to oral. She told me I do everything right for her. I captured some of the best techniques on how I'd like pleasured orally from one of the oral threads on here and assembled them as cliff notes for her to read.
Rather than tell her how bad she is at giving oral, I told her that I have considerably more experience at providing oral than she, and have learned throughout the years what does and does not work for her. I have tried to be conscious and aware of the feedback her body was giving and adjusted when necessary. If he is not opposed to a bit of direction, you should be vocal during the act to guide him to the finish line. When he hits a high point, you should certainly speak up and say "Oh...right there!" or something similar. ;)
 
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