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She didn't move. I was hoping. She keeps talking about buying a house and keeps telling me about the houses, but I'm not sure she's serious.
Stop talking to her! You arent listening to the advice we keep giving you! Who the hell cares if she buys a house or not??
 

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Discussion Starter #82
So I helped my very young child get her something for mother's day.

When she mentioned getting something for me for father's day last week, I told her she didn't have to but it was up to her.

She didn't. This morning I messaged her and told her I was a little upset by it. Just said it would of been nice to be surprised.
Now I'm getting the silent treatment. Am I wrong here?
 

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So I helped my very young child get her something for mother's day.

When she mentioned getting something for me for father's day last week, I told her she didn't have to but it was up to her.

She didn't. This morning I messaged her and told her I was a little upset by it. Just said it would of been nice to be surprised.
Now I'm getting the silent treatment. Am I wrong here?
Clearly I am just beating my head against the wall, here.
 

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Discussion Starter #85
Once you told her she didn't have too it's a no reason to be mad scenario.

Were you lying when you told her that?

(This is the way she sees it)

I get you, it would have been nice.


Wasn't lying. She's not obligated. I'm not going to ask to be surprised.

Let's just say, I put a whole lot of thought and effort (not money) into our daughter's gift for her.
It seems common courtesy to return the favor.

I was excited about seeing our daughter's face light up when she saw she made her mom happy. But when tasked with the same thing, it was nothing more than a burden to her.
 

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Discussion Starter #86
Stop talking to her! You arent listening to the advice we keep giving you! Who the hell cares if she buys a house or not??
Clearly I am just beating my head against the wall, here.


I talk to her way less, but I don't really see the benefit it cutting all communication or being a jerk and ignoring someone who I do still care about.
 

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I talk to her way less, but I don't really see the benefit it cutting all communication or being a jerk and ignoring someone who I do still care about.
Because it helps you to move forward and STOP caring! All this does is prolong you not being able to let go, and makes her feel like she has control over you, that she has you firmly in place as her backup plan! It encourages her to just use you, and you will keep allowing it because in all honesty, you dont have the balls to let her go like you need to.
 

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Discussion Starter #88
Because it helps you to move forward and STOP caring! All this does is prolong you not being able to let go, and makes her feel like she has control over you, that she has you firmly in place as her backup plan! It encourages her to just use you, and you will keep allowing it because in all honesty, you dont have the balls to let her go like you need to.
You may be right.
 

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It seems common courtesy to return the favor.
So, in reality, you did have an expectation. This is a belief-system which can bring all sorts of pain to you, in your life. You cannot expect other people to "return the favor". You must give, with no expectation that you will receive like-kind. Otherwise, you are letting yourself in for a world of pain.
 

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So, in reality, you did have an expectation. This is a belief-system which can bring all sorts of pain to you, in your life. You cannot expect other people to "return the favor". You must give, with no expectation that you will receive like-kind. Otherwise, you are letting yourself in for a world of pain.
She is your soon to be EX WIFE, you need to have ZERO expectations of her. She fired you as her husband, she has no reason to do anything for you at all. Would you expect your former employer to send you a bonus check at the end of the year??
 

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Discussion Starter #91
So, in reality, you did have an expectation. This is a belief-system which can bring all sorts of pain to you, in your life. You cannot expect other people to "return the favor". You must give, with no expectation that you will receive like-kind. Otherwise, you are letting yourself in for a world of pain.
Having no expectations of anyone seems like I am shafting myself of how I'm expecting to be treated.

Knowing what you do and don't deserve is usually addressed as a good thing on these forums? If there were no expectations, this place wouldn't exist.
 

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Discussion Starter #92
She is your soon to be EX WIFE, you need to have ZERO expectations of her. She fired you as her husband, she has no reason to do anything for you at all. Would you expect your former employer to send you a bonus check at the end of the year??

She's a current co-parent, not a former co-parent. I guess I shouldn't have expectations here either. Sadly, I do.
 

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Having no expectations of anyone seems like I am shafting myself of how I'm expecting to be treated.
If you expect no return, then that is how you expect to be treated. There is no "shaft", and no associated rectal discomfort.

Knowing what you do and don't deserve is usually addressed as a good thing on these forums?
Yes. However, these forums are not anything other than an expression of many different people's opinions. And, yes, there would be far fewer threads on this and many other similar forums if people did not formulate expectation sets of their own.

My opinion is that your currently-formulated expectation set does not serve you well, and that if you reconsider how you approach life and relationships to others, you may be happier.

She's a current co-parent, not a former co-parent. I guess I shouldn't have expectations here either. Sadly, I do.
There's nothing to be sad about. These expectations and thoughts are yours, not your ex's. You can make decisions to change them. You won't be able to change your ex, nor any other person. But these things are yours.
 

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Discussion Starter #94
My point is, if I had low to no expectations of others, of course we'd all be happier, but at what cost? Respect or mistreatment?
 

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Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy? Saying you didn't want a Father's Day gift then being upset when you didn't get one is Nice Guy behavior. Your wife is a serial cheater. She is not worth pinning over.

I haven't read every post, so you may have already answered this: are you going to counseling? You are codependent, my friend. You are addicted to an unhealthy relationship where all you get is pain.

If you don't get help for your codependency you will repeat the same pattern with the next woman.

Codependent No More, by Melanie Beattie is a good place to start learning about it.
 

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My point is, if I had low to no expectations of others, of course we'd all be happier, but at what cost? Respect or mistreatment?
Here's the thing though, she isnt "others". She is your almost EX WIFE, she falls into a category all her own. The only expectation you should have at this point and going forward is for her to continue to be a good mother to your child. Also its easier to not have expectations if you DONT TALK TO HER.
 

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My point is, if I had low to no expectations of others, of course we'd all be happier, but at what cost? Respect or mistreatment?
Buddy you are only paying lip service to the advice people are giving you.
In my opinion you would take your wife back tomorrow if she asked.
Now that’s your choice and I’m not going to argue with you but I will tell you three things.
1. You are depressed.
2. You’re wife is **** testing you and asking for your truck was a clear sign of this,as was showing you that she was with her new boyfriend on his boat.
3. You are showing your daughter a terrible example of how marriage works. She sees her mother with a different guy every few weeks and all the while her Dad is waiting at the sideline for her to come back to him.
 

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So I helped my very young child get her something for mother's day.

When she mentioned getting something for me for father's day last week, I told her she didn't have to but it was up to her.

She didn't. This morning I messaged her and told her I was a little upset by it. Just said it would of been nice to be surprised.
Now I'm getting the silent treatment. Am I wrong here?

@SunWhiskey,

A couple of things:

1) You may have had a tidiness pet peeve, and maybe an accountability pet peeve (former military, right?)...but those are not things that "drive a person to adultery." What drives a person to commit adultery is something inside themselves that is broken and too self-focused, and I say that as someone who is a former wayward who worked hard and straightened out my mind! So next time you're thinking that something you did "drove her to it" just stop yourself right there! STOP and remind yourself that is was a flaw in her character that caused her to choose adultery--it was NOT something you did or did not do.

2) She has fired you from the job of "husband," and she has done that in both word and action. Now, in her head, what she thinks that means is that she loses all the "costs" of being with you, but she gets to keep all the "benefits" of you and keep you as her Plan B. So far, your actions have confirmed her thoughts! So when we tell you to detach, and to end contact, we aren't telling you this to be spiteful or to be mean-spirited. Nope, we are telling you to take those actions so that YOU regain your own self-esteem, and SHE experiences the natural consequences of firing you from the job of "husband" (namely, that not only does she no longer have to endure your tidiness...but she also no longer gains your truck, your babysitting, your finances, etc.). Does this make sense? She made a CHOICE. It is right and reasonable and mature to allow her to experience the benefit AND THE COST of the choice she freely made. The cost of firing you from the job of "husband" means that she no longer gets the good stuff about you.

Also, note to self: the good stuff about you is not enough to win her back...not because you're "good stuff" is lacking or insufficient, but rather because her thinking is not based on reality and is skewed. Her values and character are such that committing adultery is "okay"--yours just is not. So you can't win her back with your "good stuff." Part of your job right now is to accept the fact that it will never be "the way it was."

3) Finally point: if you want something for Father's Day--say that. If you honestly don't care, THEN you say what you said "...you don't have to..." What you did here was essentially a test: I'll see how much I mean to her. Well you set her up for it, and then got all butthurt when she showed you by her actions that a) she believed you and b) you don't mean that much. Okay? So don't play these games. Be mature. If you want her to help your child get Father's Day stuff...then say that. It's reasonable. "Hey, I made the effort to teach our child that it's courteous to honor you on Mother's Day, and I'd appreciate if you would do the same for me for Father's Day. Please make the effort to teach this to our child." Also, bear in mind that it is her job TO TEACH THE CHILD to honor you, not for HER to honor you. She has been exceedingly consistent and clear: she DOES NOT honor you. Time to accept that--mourn it--and move on.

Next duty station, soldier.
 

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Discussion Starter #99
Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy? Saying you didn't want a Father's Day gift then being upset when you didn't get one is Nice Guy behavior. Your wife is a serial cheater. She is not worth pinning over.

I haven't read every post, so you may have already answered this: are you going to counseling? You are codependent, my friend. You are addicted to an unhealthy relationship where all you get is pain.

If you don't get help for your codependency you will repeat the same pattern with the next woman.

Codependent No More, by Melanie Beattie is a good place to start learning about it.


All people are codependent to some extent in their relationship. I'm not where I was. Only time and practice will help. It has so far.

No, I'm not going to counseling. I'm not going to go because I don't want to. I'll figure it out on my own if it needs figured out, while seeking the input of others here, or books as you mentioned.

Some are useless (red pill junk, such as The Rational Male), while others have been more insightful.
 

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Discussion Starter #100
Here's the thing though, she isnt "others". She is your almost EX WIFE, she falls into a category all her own. The only expectation you should have at this point and going forward is for her to continue to be a good mother to your child. Also its easier to not have expectations if you DONT TALK TO HER.
That's what I've realized today.

Don't have many others to talk to. Yes I have friends and family, but none that I mesh with as well as my almost EX WIFE. Politically, socially, day to day views. So any time we do talk, the conversation is generally good conversation (not about our relationship, etc.). In periods where I've not spoke with her trying to do "no contact", I've missed that connection. I certainly didn't feel any better about the situation.
 
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