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Discussion Starter #61 (Edited)
I'm sorry you struggled this weekend, but checking in on her like that is a BIG NO-NO! Please dont do that again, work on detaching. You will never make any progress like this.
Just removed her snapchat and instagram. I still have her on FB, but I unfollowed.

She seems to be on Snapchat the most now, because the messages dissappear I'm sure. I'm guessing she developed that habit toward the end of our relationship.
 

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Hi people,




I could get a roommate, but none of my friends are looking and I don't want or trust a stranger in my house or around my young kid.
Do you think you could get an apartment for you and your child, and RENT OUT your house to make sure those expenses are covered? This way you keep the investment, and it will get you out of your old environment (memories)

My biggest problem is, I don't see the point in anything anymore. I've tried new hobbies, old hobbies, socializing, etc. If it wasn't for my child, I'd probably quit my current job and move into a cheap shack in the woods to live out my days smoking weed and playing video games. I've lost all love for life. I don't feel deeply depressed anymore like when all of this first started happening 5 months ago, but I'm not happy with my life.
Acutally, no interest/not wanting to do anything is a sign of depression.
Perhaps you should talk to your primary care doctor about this. You may be able to get something temporarily to help you out of it.

I'm still pursuing goals, losing weight, and getting back into dating shape to try and get some of my confidence back. I don't even want to date, but I would like a confidence boost.

Time heals all wounds, yada yada. But I don't know that time will, as my entire perspective on life has changed. My only joy is my child, and I know that one day she will be grown and living her own life where I will just visit with her or see her once or twice a week or something.
Moving forward like you are doing (getting in shape, taking care of house/child) is sometimes the only thing you can do for a while to get through the bad times.

VERY sorry you are going through this, but you are WAY better off getting away from your STBXW. She is STILL immature, and she really isn't who you thought she was.

Sorry -- just caught up on the full thread. I think it's good you have a plan for your business and life moving forward. STOP playing her games. ONLY email/text her about daughter and divorce. IGNORE everything else she says. It's the only way you will detach. I agree with another poster, you should have full custody any way you can -- your wife is spiraling into the gutter and would be much better to NOT have your D around that.
 

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Discussion Starter #63
Moving forward like you are doing (getting in shape, taking care of house/child) is sometimes the only thing you can do for a while to get through the bad times.

VERY sorry you are going through this, but you are WAY better off getting away from your STBXW. She is STILL immature, and she really isn't who you thought she was.
Renting an apartment would mean I'd probably need to sell off a lot of my hobbies, kayaking, motorcycles, vintage car. I also would have to get rid of my 2 dogs and 2 cats in most scenarios.

I lived in an apartment once. I told myself I'd never go back to one. Truly miserable existence. I don't know how people do it to be honest. Neighbors being loud and obnoxious. Random idiots beating on doors. Ghetto fights in the parking lot. Dogs not properly picked up after, etc.


I don't know if she isn't who I thought she was, or I drove her to be this way. I was unhappy with my job before my current job for a couple years, so I wasn't always a joy to be around. I complained about it a lot. I always tried to make sure to do stuff with her, but she had some things I had pet peeves about, like picking up after herself. This was the main cause of any issues we had. She said it eventually all built up and I drove her away.

I fixed the job issue and found a place I can tolerate now, even though it's not the career I want. The pet peeve I could live with.



As far as that being the only thing I can do for a while, how long is a while? It's been 6 months of misery after finding out she was not happy with our marriage. Then I discovered the affair in February and she moved out. I'm sick of being miserable. Truly, all I want is things to go back to how they were. I want to fix things. It may be my ego, but surely to god my ego isn't this big.
 

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"I don't know if she isn't who I thought she was, or I drove her to be this way. I was unhappy with my job before my current job for a couple years, so I wasn't always a joy to be around. I complained about it a lot. I always tried to make sure to do stuff with her, but she had some things I had pet peeves about, like picking up after herself. This was the main cause of any issues we had. She said it eventually all built up and I drove her away."

BS - YOU didn't cause her to cheat. If she wasn't happy, she should have divorced YOU. YOU DO NOT know who she is now (you didn't drive her to anything). Being unhappy, complaining, etc. -- I get that she may not have been happy about it, but THAT doesn't cause her to cheat. That means that she should have had arguments over it, discussions, maybe even counseling, but NOT cheating.

As for fixing things, you really should NOT want her back -- look at the crap she's done in just a few short months -- out partying like she isn't a Mom, banging anything she wants. It is not something YOU can fix. If both partners are not 100% in, there is no way to fix it. Detach -- ONLY text/email about your child or things to do with the divorce (that isn't completed yet, right)? Other than that NO answers/discussions/etc. about going out on a boat, hanging at a bar with her friends, NONE OF THAT. Don't pain shop by trying to see what she is/was up to.
 

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Discussion Starter #65
"I don't know if she isn't who I thought she was, or I drove her to be this way. I was unhappy with my job before my current job for a couple years, so I wasn't always a joy to be around. I complained about it a lot. I always tried to make sure to do stuff with her, but she had some things I had pet peeves about, like picking up after herself. This was the main cause of any issues we had. She said it eventually all built up and I drove her away."

BS - YOU didn't cause her to cheat. If she wasn't happy, she should have divorced YOU. YOU DO NOT know who she is now (you didn't drive her to anything). Being unhappy, complaining, etc. -- I get that she may not have been happy about it, but THAT doesn't cause her to cheat. That means that she should have had arguments over it, discussions, maybe even counseling, but NOT cheating.

As for fixing things, you really should NOT want her back -- look at the crap she's done in just a few short months -- out partying like she isn't a Mom, banging anything she wants. It is not something YOU can fix. If both partners are not 100% in, there is no way to fix it. Detach -- ONLY text/email about your child or things to do with the divorce (that isn't completed yet, right)? Other than that NO answers/discussions/etc. about going out on a boat, hanging at a bar with her friends, NONE OF THAT. Don't pain shop by trying to see what she is/was up to.

Well, I found out both of those things when she called and spoke with my daughter. We allow her to video chat each night. And she's not old enough where I can just hand her the phone and let her go off and talk to mommy.

I like being able to at least see and speak to her once each day, so I'm not willing to give that up.

Divorce in progress. Currently just awaiting the final court date.
 

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As far as that being the only thing I can do for a while, how long is a while? It's been 6 months of misery after finding out she was not happy with our marriage. Then I discovered the affair in February and she moved out. I'm sick of being miserable. Truly, all I want is things to go back to how they were. I want to fix things. It may be my ego, but surely to god my ego isn't this big.
You are prolonging your own misery and stopping your own healing because you will NOT leave her alone! You cant fix this, so time to shift your focus to what you CAN control, which are your own actions. Stop talking to her, stop hanging out with her, start working out, start spending time with friends and family, start doing projects around the house, start a new hobby. STOP dwelling on her and what she is doing/has done. By continuing on with her the way you are, you are only making yourself look weak and pathetic in her eyes, and she will take advantage of it and use you wherever it suits her. Have some self respect, and cut her off.
 

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Discussion Starter #67
You are prolonging your own misery and stopping your own healing because you will NOT leave her alone! You cant fix this, so time to shift your focus to what you CAN control, which are your own actions. Stop talking to her, stop hanging out with her, start working out, start spending time with friends and family, start doing projects around the house, start a new hobby. STOP dwelling on her and what she is doing/has done. By continuing on with her the way you are, you are only making yourself look weak and pathetic in her eyes, and she will take advantage of it and use you wherever it suits her. Have some self respect, and cut her off.
I manage for a while, but apparently I just slip back into it. Like a yo yo diet, but with pain substituted for carbs.

I was fine for most of this last month, and here I am again feeling the same type of way.
 

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I've ran through a thousand ideas over the years, but I've finally settled on an idea. I want to start a local excavation service. I've noticed there are none in the immediate area for at least an hour and a half drive to the major cities in either direction, and even then there are only a couple. This is a fast growing area, as in 30+ major stores restaraunts and businesses have moved in over the past year with a lot more in the works.

To start, I need quite a bit of assets. Nothing astronomical, but certainly not easy at my current salary and expenses. Minimum: 1 dump truck or 1 dump trailer (pretty close in cost), a larger personal truck, heavy equipment trailer, and the excavator itself (will start with a mini excavator). Insurance etc is no big deal. After I can get these things together I want to work nights and weekends to buy a skidsteer. Then hopefully go full time, hire someone to run the skidsteer purchase a backhoe, and go up from there.
Wow! That's a far cry from being an accountant. And it sounds like a very well thought out idea.

Let me ask you this - with what you know about number crunching, do you think you could put together a proposal and get a business loan to buy the equipment? Something manageable? Can equipment like that be leased temporarily for significantly less than buying it?

You do sound a little depressed. Having a job you dislike doesn't help, but the break up is probably most of it plus the split sucking away most of what you saved.

I believe you will come out on top in the long run though. You sound like a nice, sensible guy. She sounds like she has some serious emotional problems. And TRUST ME, she has NOT been in two "SERIOUS" relationships already. She has problems and she has glommed onto guys to distract herself from the discomfort and emptiness of being her. This is not hard for any woman her age to do.

I know it sounds cliche but you ARE lucky to be rid of her. And you do have a beautiful little daughter from it. You are still young and have many years ahead of you. 5 months is not long at all for something like this. Your feelings are normal but also TEMPORARY. Some day you're going to look at that broken woman and be so glad she's someone else's problem and feel so sorry for the train wreck that she is that you won't be able to hate her anymore. You'll just know you dodged a bullet and got a daughter.

Stay the course!
 

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Discussion Starter #71
While I get it, don't make it a habit! Maybe you need to substitute sun TEA instead of the SunWhiskey....:grin2:
Not a habit. A couple friends came over. One who gave up everything he owned and moved 1,200 miles away from his family to be with a girl he met here at college. She recently broke up with him and he moved back here. Her reason? Said he was selfish.

Other friend, caught his wife cheating on Valentines day 5 years ago. Still in a child custody battle. Very dirty fighting woman.

So we drank and complained about women. I had a bit much.
 

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Discussion Starter #72
Wow! That's a far cry from being an accountant. And it sounds like a very well thought out idea.
Accounting was only ever supposed to be a means to an end. But now I'm not so sure it was the best choice. Hopefully it can still work for me.

Let me ask you this - with what you know about number crunching, do you think you could put together a proposal and get a business loan to buy the equipment? Something manageable? Can equipment like that be leased temporarily for significantly less than buying it?
I could lease the equipment, but I would be in the negative trying to get started part time. Would be spending as much as I'm making in the business working only part time. On any business loan around here, you can get maybe 10k without an effort, but over that and they want you to show some profitability in your business before loaning any more.

I still think it's best I save and buy a nice low hour machine outright. The dump trailer will be new, as there aren't many used available. I will start without one, but if I find people are wanting me to move the materials a way more often, I will go ahead and get one sooner. May finance it. The heavy equipment trailer can be had used for around $1,500, so not a big deal. I may go ahead and buy one soon anyway.


You do sound a little depressed. Having a job you dislike doesn't help, but the break up is probably most of it plus the split sucking away most of what you saved.

Double expenses really took away most of my ability to save. I was able to comfortably put away about 700 each biweekly paycheck before. Now I can put away maybe 300 each check, and that's if I don't buy anything extra or go out on the weekends...etc.


I believe you will come out on top in the long run though. You sound like a nice, sensible guy. She sounds like she has some serious emotional problems. And TRUST ME, she has NOT been in two "SERIOUS" relationships already. She has problems and she has glommed onto guys to distract herself from the discomfort and emptiness of being her. This is not hard for any woman her age to do.
The first one was surely serious. She left me for him. She had dated him for several years in the past and raised his child while he was on the road.

The second one, rebound from the first.


I know it sounds cliche but you ARE lucky to be rid of her. And you do have a beautiful little daughter from it. You are still young and have many years ahead of you. 5 months is not long at all for something like this. Your feelings are normal but also TEMPORARY. Some day you're going to look at that broken woman and be so glad she's someone else's problem and feel so sorry for the train wreck that she is that you won't be able to hate her anymore. You'll just know you dodged a bullet and got a daughter.

Stay the course!
As it looks, I'm not so sure.

She's quite successful/ very lucky in her career. If she stays the course and finishes her degree, she is a shoe in to be the boss at her work in a few years. They already told her as much. That will put her at a salary that is very uncommon around this area. Easily double my current pay, which is also more than the average for the area.

Her personal life, who knows what will happen.


Thank your for the vote of confidence however!
 

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Discussion Starter #73
Signed up for a 9 mile hike this weekend with a meetup group. They are coming from about an hour away to do a hike about 30 minutes from my house.

Sadly, it looks like it will be rained out. I hadn't done cardio in so long that the hike would have probably been a challenge. I figured that would distract me for the whole day. Now I don't know what I'll do.
 

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Discussion Starter #74
Signed up for a 9 mile hike this weekend with a meetup group. They are coming from about an hour away to do a hike about 30 minutes from my house.

Sadly, it looks like it will be rained out. I hadn't done cardio in so long that the hike would have probably been a challenge. I figured that would distract me for the whole day. Now I don't know what I'll do.
We ended up being able to do the hike. It was a little wet. It was 10 miles with 800 foot elevation change.

Got home and didn't do a thing else all weekend due to knees being completely shot.

Had a date scheduled for Saturday night. I got ghosted. So yeah, still not feeling much better about myself
 

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Discussion Starter #75
She's moving into a house her dad owns this weekend and asked to borrow my truck. I told her yes. I see no harm in it, but I don't know if I should have just out of spite.
 

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She's moving into a house her dad owns this weekend and asked to borrow my truck. I told her yes. I see no harm in it, but I don't know if I should have just out of spite.
You don't have to lend her your truck, but spite isn't a good reason not to, unless she starts being spiteful.
 

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Discussion Starter #80
She didn't move. I was hoping. She keeps talking about buying a house and keeps telling me about the houses, but I'm not sure she's serious.
 
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