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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi Folks,

I'm new to the forum, mainly out of desperation in hopes of finding someone who can understand my situation. I live in the south so intercultural marriages are uncommon.

I've been with my husband for about 8.5 years, married just over 5. I'm American and he's from India (lived here for 13 years). We have serious issues. We've talked about divorce, etc. He refuses to go to a counselor. He says it's just not his culture, etc. When I say refuse, he's told me he prefers divorce over a therapist.

I started going to one because I just need to, but I've realized it isn't going to be as helpful as having both of us there. Maybe not helpful at all in the sense of keeping us together in a happy and healthy way. (It hurt him when I went to one alone and it would kill him knowing I'm writing this post. Boy, I'm a terrible person...)

I'm not even sure what I'm asking here. Perhaps I wonder if there's anyone out there who's been through anything similar and if they have any general thoughts. I feel pretty helpless...
 

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Hi Folks,

I'm new to the forum, mainly out of desperation in hopes of finding someone who can understand my situation. I live in the south so intercultural marriages are uncommon.

I've been with my husband for about 8.5 years, married just over 5. I'm American and he's from India (lived here for 13 years). We have serious issues. We've talked about divorce, etc. He refuses to go to a counselor. He says it's just not his culture, etc. When I say refuse, he's told me he prefers divorce over a therapist.

I started going to one because I just need to, but I've realized it isn't going to be as helpful as having both of us there. Maybe not helpful at all in the sense of keeping us together in a happy and healthy way. (It hurt him when I went to one alone and it would kill him knowing I'm writing this post. Boy, I'm a terrible person...)

I'm not even sure what I'm asking here. Perhaps I wonder if there's anyone out there who's been through anything similar and if they have any general thoughts. I feel pretty helpless...
Is there any reason you do not want to divorce? I lived in India for 3 years, and I think it would be tough to marry someone from there. Their culture and ours are pretty different.
 
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If the problems are such that they require him to work with you, then I guess you have two choices... accept things as they are or divorce.

Which would will you be doing?

You cannot make him do anything. So you have to make your decisions based what you have control over.. yourself.

Refusing to go to a marriage counselor or individual counselor is hardly unique to his culture. A huge percentage of he average, run of the mill (if there is such a thing :) ) American guy will not go to any kind of counseling.

Perhaps you and he are casting things as cultural differences that really are not. Though I know that your cultures are very different.
 

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Hi Folks,

I'm new to the forum, mainly out of desperation in hopes of finding someone who can understand my situation. I live in the south so intercultural marriages are uncommon.

I've been with my husband for about 8.5 years, married just over 5. I'm American and he's from India (lived here for 13 years). We have serious issues. We've talked about divorce, etc. He refuses to go to a counselor. He says it's just not his culture, etc. When I say refuse, he's told me he prefers divorce over a therapist.

I started going to one because I just need to, but I've realized it isn't going to be as helpful as having both of us there. Maybe not helpful at all in the sense of keeping us together in a happy and healthy way. (It hurt him when I went to one alone and it would kill him knowing I'm writing this post. Boy, I'm a terrible person...)

I'm not even sure what I'm asking here. Perhaps I wonder if there's anyone out there who's been through anything similar and if they have any general thoughts. I feel pretty helpless...
Well there you go.
 

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Hi Folks,
We've talked about divorce, etc. He refuses to go to a counselor. He says it's just not his culture, etc. When I say refuse, he's told me he prefers divorce over a therapist.
divorce isn't in his culture either. He's bluffing. Start the paperwork, and see how fast he becomes a 'fixer of problems'.

can you list the problems you have? financial? infidelity? what?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 · (Edited)
Our problems are mainly cultural now. I think so at least... When I was young (23 when we got married) I thought I could adapt to his culture. Over the years I just lost myself and now that we are in a new city I've been able to regain some things about me that he doesn't like. (Like I wore a one piece bathing suit to a kayaking trip! I have a few beers every once in a while. etc. etc.)

At this point he lets me do anything I want and he doesn't say a word. But I know he's miserable because of it.

Also, we're both alpha personalities. Also...we have an age gap of 11 years. And also ;-) because I like to say also a lot he gave up his dream for me but I'm "no longer the person (he) married."

Thanks for all your feedback.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Is there any reason you do not want to divorce? I lived in India for 3 years, and I think it would be tough to marry someone from there. Their culture and ours are pretty different.
I love him and I've spent my entire adulthood with him...I also don't have any family to speak of. I'm alone in the world. I'm also afraid I'd regret my decision. And in general, it's a commitment I made. You know?
 

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I would strongly encourage you to give up the relationship. Cultural differences, a big age gap, and getting together at a young age are big challenges. Any one could be a dealbreaker.
 

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I love him and I've spent my entire adulthood with him...I also don't have any family to speak of. I'm alone in the world. I'm also afraid I'd regret my decision. And in general, it's a commitment I made. You know?
You're young, honey. You are seeing the draw of your own culture. He knows the draw of his.

I think you know what is going to happen, what is already happening. Let it happen. You will be okay.
 

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Is this a cultural divide or a religious divide or both ?

If he was a Hindu, Jain, Buddhist or Christian, I do not think he would have an issue with your one piece bathing suit. If he is a Muslim, then he would and probably would prefer for you to be covered up completely.


In any case multi cultural marriages are difficult and unless both parties are reasonably educated (in every sense of the word), rules and boundaries aren't drawn up first and people get lost in the passion of new (and different) romance!

Not uncommon at all. But also very fixable if both parties are willing to discuss. Now if he is not willing to discuss then there is an underlying issue which might not have anything to do with your cultures and you need to find out what it is.

What does he say is the problem ?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I think I need to mention that after running his business for 6+ years when he closed it for me, I am having trouble finding a job. I got one that I ended up having to quit because I broke my leg. So I haven't worked since Dec 2014. I'm working hard to find one though...
 

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I love him and I've spent my entire adulthood with him...I also don't have any family to speak of. I'm alone in the world. I'm also afraid I'd regret my decision. And in general, it's a commitment I made. You know?
Well, sounds like you can be either who you really are or else you can be who he wants you to be (since it doesn't seem he wants to try to work with you on the marriage problems and obviously you can't change who he is). You've already discussed divorce so apparently you aren't totally opposed to it. Maybe you need to tell him that the two of you either seek MC or you go your separate ways.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 · (Edited)
You're young, honey. You are seeing the draw of your own culture. He knows the draw of his.

I think you know what is going to happen, what is already happening. Let it happen. You will be okay.
I feel like you're right... ADDED: I think if I were working, we'd already be getting a divorce because I can be a little impulsive. If I have to be honest...

Is this a cultural divide or a religious divide or both ?

If he was a Hindu, Jain, Buddhist or Christian, I do not think he would have an issue with your one piece bathing suit. If he is a Muslim, then he would and probably would prefer for you to be covered up completely.


In any case multi cultural marriages are difficult and unless both parties are reasonably educated (in every sense of the word), rules and boundaries aren't drawn up first and people get lost in the passion of new (and different) romance!

Not uncommon at all. But also very fixable if both parties are willing to discuss. Now if he is not willing to discuss then there is an underlying issue which might not have anything to do with your cultures and you need to find out what it is.

What does he say is the problem ?
He comes from a Muslim family, but he's not religious and neither am I.

And boundaries, that's exactly what he thinks is the problem. We set boundaries that I have crossed. He's right. I absolutely did say I have no interest in drinking alcohol or wearing a bikini, etc.. I just had no idea it would suffocate me as much as it has.

And to point out, before I stepped over those boundaries he told me I should do what I want. Then when I did, it freaked him out.

At this point, we are just maintaining this marriage. He's trying to pretend that he's ok with everything and he's being so compliant. But there's no longer a real connection.
 

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I think we are all just confirming what you know in your heart. :)
 
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And being as alone as I am, there's no one else I can hear this from. My therapist won't say that. She's asked me if I even want to work on it.
Why are you so alone?
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I'm alone because many years ago I cut off from my very toxic family. I have some distant relatives I'm friends with on Facebook, otherwise I have literally no one expect my friends.
 

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I think I need to mention that after running his business for 6+ years when he closed it for me, I am having trouble finding a job. I got one that I ended up having to quit because I broke my leg. So I haven't worked since Dec 2014. I'm working hard to find one though...
The way you wrote that it sounds like he made a unilateral decision to close the business. Is this what happened?

Why did he close the business if you were bringing money in?
 

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I'm alone because many years ago I cut off from my very toxic family. I have some distant relatives I'm friends with on Facebook, otherwise I have literally no one expect my friends.
I am sure that was hard, cutting off from your family, even if you knew it was the healthiest thing to do.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I think I need to mention that after running his business for 6+ years when he closed it for me, I am having trouble finding a job. I got one that I ended up having to quit because I broke my leg. So I haven't worked since Dec 2014. I'm working hard to find one though...
The way you wrote that it sounds like he made a unilateral decision to close the business. Is this what happened?

Why did he close the business if you were bringing money in?
I was under the impression we closed it because we mutually wanted a different lifestyle. I didn't know later until all was said and done how much he regretted it/actually didn't want to close it. My therapist says we have a communication problem.
 
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