Well how can I at least convince her to be happy about my beliefs?
She will be more accepting of your beliefs if you can get her to argue against her own beliefs. People get defensive when you directly attack their beliefs, so the more effective approach is similar to the Colbert Report - pushing a left wing message by arguing in favor of right wing ideas to the point of absurdity. This is the textbook definition of satire. Another term to become familiar with is
Poe's Law which states:
Poe's law, named after its author Nathan Poe, is an Internet adage reflecting the fact that without a clear indication of the author's intent, it is difficult or impossible to tell the difference between sincere extremism and an exaggerated parody of extremism.[1]
Really think about what that means. If you become a parody of religious extremism, it's very difficult for people to know if you are joking or serious.
Convert to Christianity:
Say you had a dream like Saul of Tarsus and you've seen The Truth. The key here is that you are never lying. People have dreams all the time, and "truth" is a subjective thing when you start relying on dreams (fantasies) as a source of information.
Read the Bible:
It's important that your wife knows you are reading the bible and taking notes. This shows you are actually serious about being a Christian. This gives you a leg up on most people because a huge majority of people never read the bible, or they didn't understand what they were reading. Knowing what the bible says allows you to claim that everything everyone does is wrong, and you can back it up with scripture. For example, everyone knows the bible says homosexuality is wrong, but a lot of people don't know that the same book in the bible says tattoos are an abomination as well. Knowing these rules, you can be an insufferable jerk then innocently claim that you're just following the bible. The goal is that your attitude and behavior get worse as you become more religious. Eventually your wife and others will argue against your religious beliefs, and they will try to convert you back to atheism. While doing this, they might convert themselves to atheism as well.
Attend Church:
Church is a great way to get religious discussions started. Listen to everything the preacher says and think about it. On the car ride home, calmly and happily debunk every single thing the preacher said. The bible has a lot of conflicting parts, so you can use the bible to argue against almost anything. For example, the preacher will say Jesus brings peace to the world. This is wrong because:
Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
-Matthew 10:34, King James Version
You can either say that passage and leave it, or you can extrapolate and go into the crazy-zone like Pat Robertson would.
Memorize Bible Passages:
1) Buy and read a "contemporary English version" of the bible and write down all of the parts that sound silly or insane. A CEV bible is written in modern day English, so it's very easy to understand what's going on.
2) Buy a King James bible and memorize the approximate wording of the crazy parts from step 1. Example, a modern English bible will say something like:
There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
-Ezekiel 23:20, New International Version
Now that you know this passage is about a woman who loves ****, memorize the old translation:
For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.
-Ezekiel 23:20, King James Version
Feel free to use these passages to defend weird things, and try to oppose the viewpoint of other Christians. When someone says romance novels are a sin, kindly point out the parts of the bible that talk about and glorify sex.
Follow the Bible:
To show how serious you are about being Christian, follow some of the rules stated in the bible. Try to latch onto the really obscure rules that don't make any sense. Some examples:
-do not wear clothes made with more than one type fabric (Leviticus 19:19)
-never cut your hair or shave; this includes your back and your wife's legs (Leviticus 19:27)
-kill your son or daughter if they mouth you off (Leviticus 20:9)
-talk about how much you want to kill Sylvia Browne; I actually agree with this bible passage (Leviticus 20:27)
-blind and crippled people are not allowed in church (Leviticus 21:17)
-people who curse God must be killed (Leviticus 24:14)
-if your wife claims you are totally insane with your religiosity, you must kill her (Deuteronomy 13:5)
-talk about wanting to kill two billion humans and all animals in India and China because they do not follow the Abrahamic religions (Deuteronomy 17:2)
-as men are entering church, ask if their testicles have been crushed (Deuteronomy 23:1)
-if your brother has sexual problems, you should sleep with his wife so she gets pregnant (Genesis 38:9)
-if a woman's defense against a man involves squeezing (or kicking?) his balls, the woman must have her hand cut off (Deuteronomy 25:11)
Try to remind your wife that adultery is only bad if it causes harm to another man. For example, do not covet your neighbor's wife because that's
his possession. You can sleep with as many women as you want as long as those women are wives or concubines (a concubine lives in the same house but has lower social status than a wife).
The cool part is that the rules about wives are very relaxed. Example, you can force prisoners of war to marry you:
See among the [war] captives a beautiful woman, and have a desire for her and would take her as a wife for yourself, then you shall shave her head and trim her nails. She shall also remove her clothes and shall remain in your house, and you may go in to her and be her husband and she shall be your wife.
-Deuteronomy 21:11
Another reason I love being catholic is that the penalty for rape is only 50 shekels.
f a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl’s father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives”
-Deuteronomy 22:28
Learn the Church Customs
One of the things I love about being Catholic is that I get to literally eat human flesh. It tastes rather bland, but it's not without its charm.
Transubstantiation
In Roman Catholic theology, transubstantiation is the doctrine that, in the Eucharist, the substance of the bread and the wine used in the sacrament is changed into the substance of the Body and the Blood of Jesus,[1] while all that is accessible to the senses remains as before.[2][3][4]
The other fun tradition of Catholicism is S&M. It's not good enough to say you are sorry. You need to beat the hell out of yourself to show it. A
cilice is a metal chain with spikes that is worn around the thigh. Being in constant discomfort tells God that something something, so that's what we do. Another tool we use is called a
flagrum, which is a short whip used to whip our own backs. Studies have confirmed that this is a very effective way to get high without taking drugs. In response to overwhelming pain, the body releases a lot of endorphins, and the word endorphin is an abbreviation of
endogenous morphine. We don't need morphine from opium; we get the same effect from whipping ourselves.
War Against the Church:
Jesus was a trouble maker, and so should you be. He spoke out against BS, and he attacked money changers who made a mockery of the church. You should follow the teachings of this man and speak out when the church is wrong. Example:
You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.
Exodus 20, commandment #2
Step into the church and look around. You will see a large graven image of Jesus on a cross. You need to tear that down and condemn the rest of the congregation. You will also see stained glass windows portraying the saints. You must destroy these windows. All drawings of heaven or hell must be destroyed. Refuse to watch episodes of South Park that show God, Jesus, angels, or Satan.
Many things are punishable by death in the bible, so be vocal about how many people should be killed, why, and quote exact passages. Make a huge scene at McDonald's because the place is still open on the sabbath. Numbers 15:33 explicitly says that people working on the sabbath must be killed.
De-conversion
After your wife declares that you are a lunatic, and you refuse to kill her because you think the bible may be a little bit flawed when it demands everyone be killed, you can go back to being an atheist. She'll be glad to have you back.