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Discussion Starter #1
I apologize in advance, this is kind of all over the place. I don't know what I'm asking really.

We've been married for six years. 2.5 years ago I started having mental problems. Severe depression and anxiety. We determined it was work related (with the help of a psychiatrist. We relocated and got new jobs and 2 years goes by make job changes to account for returning to school.

Old debt resurfaces and we now have moderate financial problems. Fights ensue. I am the cause of these debts. The wife is good at pointing that out. She controls her anger most of the time, but not always. It's very painful to me because the debts are caused from the depression/anxiety. She KNOWs its painful.

The wife has terrible luck finding a job in her field and has to start again, but now she is just a factory line worker. Hates it. depressed. Life isn't fair.

I'll start this section off by saying I was a jack***. About one year ago, we changed our method of birth control. She was on the nueva ring. She started it right when we got married. I have not been able to bring her to orgasm except once or twice, which is why we switched back to condoms. We thought this would fix it. It did not. I didn't exactly care about her needs as much as i should have. I got mine the rest was her problem. She was never too concerned about it at first, then it became the norm.

At some point my ideals about our sex life changed and realized she need much better than what I was offering her. After communicating with her about sex multiple times (subtle at first then openly) we determine that she no longer finds me attractive. I know this because she said it blatantly. I realized it before she told me and my self-esteem has steadily dropped. Timing was terrible too, because she told me I was no longer attractive to her right after these debts resurfaced.

So moderate debt that makes our life miserable, terrible sex life (between 4 and 10 times a month. still frequent but worthless for her. and not really fun for me. Pity on her part I suppose. Makes it even worse). My wife is an attractive woman. I am not. I got lucky.

If she found another man most of her problems would just disappear. This debt is in my name only. Worst case scenario her sex life doesn't change. It'll be hard to find a mug as ugly as mine. In my mind I don't know why she hasn't left yet. I haven't been the best of husbands. I'm not terrible, but I've been an emotional wreck on and off. (now on again) Prone to anger.

Because of all this I am now terrified that she will cheat on me or is cheating on me. The fact that there is no evidence doesn't seem to deter me. I constantly scan her emails, her phone, and search the house for 'evidence'. I even went as far as to put a key logger on the computer. Of course nothing turned up. I have even accused her multiple times. Everytime I accused her I could see the hurt in her reactions. (she's not the type to be able to fake this) I can't stop myself. I've settled with waiting for solid 'evidence' before accusing her, but the paranoia is still there. I am still spending a lot of time on this non issue. It takes time to properly scan phone, email, computer, and house without her knowing (although she probably already knows).

This next line is just the paranoia kicking in. Now I find myself thinking she is just good at hiding it. She 'knows' as much as I do about computers. Sure maybe its not second nature to her like it is me, but maybe she started planning her 'affair' before I realized it was going on and.... It just goes on from here and tends to insanity.

I don't know. life is just terrible like this. After writing this all out, I know the answer is obvious. Psychiatrist (which I can't afford). But maybe it isn't that obvious. What are some of your insights
 

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I think you had a bad shrink. Yes your depression may have been job related but all you accomplished was you replaced one stress with another. Now you are back to square one.

I don't know what to tell you to do because debt stresses me out too.

Are there any other solutions to your debt? Is your wife looking for a better job?
 

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Discussion Starter #3
She's looking to get promoted at her job, which will bring in a couple hundred more dollars per month and that would put us above our monthly expenditures instead of below right now we are relying on our savings to pull us through, but it won't last forever. Our debt is almost manageable. It stresses her out more than it does me, but we really can't afford to pay out the extra two or three hundred dollars per month right now for a psychiatrist. If she doesn't get a promoted soon I may try to get promoted, which I don't want to. I couldn't handle it before. Within a year of being promoted to supervisory position at my old job I lost most of my hair and started having that mental breakdown. It wasn't even that hard. I just cant handle pressure. I need something mindless (not necessarily easy) or at least a job where I don't have much responsibilities.
 

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What are you doing to beat depression now? Do you exercise? Eat clean? Is your life as stress free as you can make it?
 

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Discussion Starter #5
My biggest stress is people. My second biggest is my intimacy problems with my wife. Then my debt.

To prevent my stresses with people, I avoid them. I changed my job from supervisory to a line operator. Instead of working with 40 subordinates, I work with one supervisor and a machine. Since I'm good at my job he leaves me alone.

I avoid going anywhere but work and home except maybe once every month or so. I don't let anyone come to my house except when I'm ready. I just make the most of my time when friends/family are visiting or I'm visiting them.

With the wife we are both actively trying to improve our situation but when we get intimate sexually she is involved. That doesn't stop her from trying to be intimate. She still loves to be near me and hold my hand etc. We kind of don't know what to do though.

The debt though is stressing us as much as I made it out to be. She stresses out more than I do, but we have a plan to manage our debt. We have four options really for it.

1) Either I or she gets promoted (hopefully her)

2) Go to a staffing agency and get employed at one of the local factories that pays better but is much more difficult physically (either me or her probably me)

3) One or both of us gets a part time job. (We don't like this option)

4) Say screw and let my wages get garnished. I'll be paying out less money per month this way, I just won't have credit for the next 12 years.

To answer your question though, all of the above. Stress avoidance, and actively working to correct problems. When I'm at home I just clock out. I don't think of anything besides 'fun'. I pursue my hobbies more heavily.
 

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Your answer to dealing with the stress is to isolate yourself at home. This will only make things with your W worse. She knows you are pulling away from her as a couple. If you don't want to lose her you better find a way to make connection with her. She needs to know she is not in this by herself, particularly since your past behavior tells her she is on her own.
 

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You must get a hold of the paranoia. You absolutely MUST!! The same kinds of thoughts and actions destroyed my marriage and almost destroyed my husband. He became a severs alcoholic to deal with it and the word is still out as to whether or not he can recover. He's trying but it's very hard. Do whatever it takes to get a hold of it NOW!
 

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You make it sound like her unattraction to you is your appearence, were I'm guessing its related to your additude.

See, chicks dig confident men, they want a strong guy with just enough caukiness to let them know you have it together.

So you may not be the best looking guy in town, but you can start to act like it.

A little ego can go along way, thats way all these ugly guys steal our wives......LOL

My point is get the hell out of this funk, things are coming together you are just so fucused on how crappy you are when you should be focused on how great you are and any women can see how attractive that is. Right ladies?
 

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Its not her job to fix YOUR debt cause you can't handle the stress. Consequences for your actions...

All I hear is I Can't, I can't. Its more I won't, let her do it. If you can't get a handle on your paranoia, how wiill you handle the debt when she leaves, because she will reach her breaking point. What is in the relationship for her? What does she get out of it? I'm not seeing many positives from what you have described.

You never have said what the debt is from. Is what you spent money on a major issue to her, or is it that you expect her to fix it?
 

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Women need a man that has their back. You don't have her back; you are a needy child and that is unattractive. Stop spying, you are only going to push her away, and it doesn't address the real issue. Get another shrink now.
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You make it sound like her unattraction to you is your appearence, were I'm guessing its related to your additude.

See, chicks dig confident men, they want a strong guy with just enough caukiness to let them know you have it together.

So you may not be the best looking guy in town, but you can start to act like it.

A little ego can go along way, thats way all these ugly guys steal our wives......LOL

My point is get the hell out of this funk, things are coming together you are just so fucused on how crappy you are when you should be focused on how great you are and any women can see how attractive that is. Right ladies?
Yes! Confident men that back it up. My hb is a great lover but most of the reason I can O with him is that he's a MAN that handles things and treats me well. No bedroom techniques can replace that.
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I apologize in advance, this is kind of all over the place. I don't know what I'm asking really.

We've been married for six years. 2.5 years ago I started having mental problems. Severe depression and anxiety. We determined it was work related (with the help of a psychiatrist. We relocated and got new jobs and 2 years goes by make job changes to account for returning to school.

Old debt resurfaces and we now have moderate financial problems. Fights ensue. I am the cause of these debts. The wife is good at pointing that out. She controls her anger most of the time, but not always. It's very painful to me because the debts are caused from the depression/anxiety. She KNOWs its painful.

The wife has terrible luck finding a job in her field and has to start again, but now she is just a factory line worker. Hates it. depressed. Life isn't fair.

I'll start this section off by saying I was a jack***. About one year ago, we changed our method of birth control. She was on the nueva ring. She started it right when we got married. I have not been able to bring her to orgasm except once or twice, which is why we switched back to condoms. We thought this would fix it. It did not. I didn't exactly care about her needs as much as i should have. I got mine the rest was her problem. She was never too concerned about it at first, then it became the norm.

At some point my ideals about our sex life changed and realized she need much better than what I was offering her. After communicating with her about sex multiple times (subtle at first then openly) we determine that she no longer finds me attractive. I know this because she said it blatantly. I realized it before she told me and my self-esteem has steadily dropped. Timing was terrible too, because she told me I was no longer attractive to her right after these debts resurfaced.

So moderate debt that makes our life miserable, terrible sex life (between 4 and 10 times a month. still frequent but worthless for her. and not really fun for me. Pity on her part I suppose. Makes it even worse). My wife is an attractive woman. I am not. I got lucky.

If she found another man most of her problems would just disappear. This debt is in my name only. Worst case scenario her sex life doesn't change. It'll be hard to find a mug as ugly as mine. In my mind I don't know why she hasn't left yet. I haven't been the best of husbands. I'm not terrible, but I've been an emotional wreck on and off. (now on again) Prone to anger.

Because of all this I am now terrified that she will cheat on me or is cheating on me. The fact that there is no evidence doesn't seem to deter me. I constantly scan her emails, her phone, and search the house for 'evidence'. I even went as far as to put a key logger on the computer. Of course nothing turned up. I have even accused her multiple times. Everytime I accused her I could see the hurt in her reactions. (she's not the type to be able to fake this) I can't stop myself. I've settled with waiting for solid 'evidence' before accusing her, but the paranoia is still there. I am still spending a lot of time on this non issue. It takes time to properly scan phone, email, computer, and house without her knowing (although she probably already knows).

This next line is just the paranoia kicking in. Now I find myself thinking she is just good at hiding it. She 'knows' as much as I do about computers. Sure maybe its not second nature to her like it is me, but maybe she started planning her 'affair' before I realized it was going on and.... It just goes on from here and tends to insanity.

I don't know. life is just terrible like this. After writing this all out, I know the answer is obvious. Psychiatrist (which I can't afford). But maybe it isn't that obvious. What are some of your insights
BOBJ -

a couple questions then comments:

when did you incur the debt, before or after marriage? what was it for? i.e. to pay for what?

you say you can't afford to see a shrink, but you and your wife are both working. don't either of you have health insurance? family coverage or individual?

(see bolded above) If she told you she's no longer attracted to you, then she doesn't need your affection or sexual attention. My advice - stop having sex with her. Stop kissing her. Stop touching her. Spend a bit more time on your personal interests and less time with her. Reasserting your personhood like this will help you recover some of your self esteem, I believe. If she asks you what's going on just tell her "hey, you said you're not attracted to me. It's a pride thing."

On whether she's cheating, I don't think you're paranoid. Based on her words and her behavior you're just a lot more on guard for the signs. I'd wait for more red flags before increasing your spying. And don't worry so much, if worst comes to worst I doubt she's irreplaceable.
 

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You appear to still have an anxiety disorder including social anxiety.
Many people have debt but handle it w/o getting sick. Sometimes, with severe anxiety, the mind "latches" on to something & hyper focuses on it; in your case paranoia about your wife cheating. It is 24 hour consuming. It is like you can never be just in the moment.

Do you have medical insurance? Your regular doctor can prescribe something for you.
 
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