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Hello, everyone.
I found this site while desperately searching for helps and advices regarding marriage and divorce. I do have other Christians in my life to reach out if I must however due to a sensitive nature of topics I decided not to. So here I am seeking advices anonymously.

My husband and I have been married for about a decade with 3 kids. He grew up in a poor broken family with a traditional background. He is overall an introvert, quiet, and gentle person who prefers to be by himself. On the other hand, I grew up in a loving and whole family in middle class where merits are valued. Spending time with and getting to know other people are my nature and I was privileged to receive lots of academic opportunities.

When my husband and I met, circumstantially I was in a bad and dark place having all chances of pursuing higher education lost and he sort of rescued me out of it. We ended up marrying and I thought it would be happily ever after. We argued frequently because of his lack of good judgments of people he is around, his video gaming, his biased and double standard imposing on me, not putting works in a marriage, etc and he had mental issues that only some time later, he had a major psychosis and almost killed himself. He was diagnosed with a severe and incurable mental illness. I was traumatized by the incident at age 20 and had no one helping me. In a tough time as such, I persevered through caring him mostly by myself while having our 1 yr son then. It was shocking enough to shake the idea of marriage yet I chose to stay with him. About 6 months later, he confessed that he cheated on me. Infidelity/unfaithfulness is my deal breaker of any relationship so I was enraged for a betrayal but what could I do as not having a family near, a friend to ask for a help, a degree, a career, or an income? After putting up with lots of his demands and unfair requests out of love, I realized I had done nothing for myself. I bitterly moved on thinking he would change after getting his word.

Fast-forward, we welcomed 2 more children and he demanded me to homeschool 3 kids regardless of my disagreements. Because it seemed all good reasons, I reluctantly began to do it. And oh, boy, was I wrong. It’s a forever-mental-and-emotional-Spartan-drills. By now, I imagined myself getting back on my missed pursuit of education but he keeps making circumstances difficult for me to do it. When I object, he flaunts his bit of Bible knowledge to justify his choices and actions with the expectation of my full submission. Of course, I’m not playing a dummie here as I buy books to self-educate so I’ve got theological and historical ace cards in the sleeves to defend my argument.

I also catch him frequently checking out other attractive ladies or showing interests about them subtly and subconsciously in the public. He outrightly denies any accusation I bring up the moment I catch him. Yet he doesn’t let me go to gym or schmooze with a man or a male acquaintance and most likely would have murdered me if I had done things he had done to me.
It’s to the point that I am growing discontent, resentful, angry, and irritated with my life with him experiencing an emotional exhaustion and hate to see who I have become. I’m losing myself.

Overall, we try to keep things civil and “fair” but most times, my contributions and sacrifices far outweigh than his. A divorce has always been on the table for me and now the temptation is bigger than ever.
What can I do? Any insight, information, or advice will be appreciated.
 

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Hello, everyone.
I found this site while desperately searching for helps and advices regarding marriage and divorce. I do have other Christians in my life to reach out if I must however due to a sensitive nature of topics I decided not to. So here I am seeking advices anonymously.

My husband and I have been married for about a decade with 3 kids. He grew up in a poor broken family with a traditional background. He is overall an introvert, quiet, and gentle person who prefers to be by himself. On the other hand, I grew up in a loving and whole family in middle class where merits are valued. Spending time with and getting to know other people are my nature and I was privileged to receive lots of academic opportunities.

When my husband and I met, circumstantially I was in a bad and dark place having all chances of pursuing higher education lost and he sort of rescued me out of it. We ended up marrying and I thought it would be happily ever after. We argued frequently because his lack of good judgments of people he is around, his video gaming, his biased and double standard imposing on me, not putting works in a marriage, etc and he had mental issues that only some time later, he had a major psychosis and almost killed himself. He was diagnosed with a severe and incurable mental illness. I was traumatized by the incident at age 20 and had no one helping me. In a tough time as such, I persevered through caring him mostly by myself while having our 1 yr son then. It was shocking enough to shake the idea of marriage yet I chose to stay with him. About 6 months later, he confessed that he cheated on me. Infidelity/unfaithfulness is my deal breaker of any relationship so I was enraged for a betrayal but what could I do as not having a family near, a friend to ask for a help, a degree, a career, or an income? After putting up with lots of his demands and unfair requests out of love, I realized I had done nothing for myself. I bitterly moved on thinking he would change after getting his word.

Fast-forward, we welcomed 2 more children and he demanded me to homeschool 3 kids regardless of my disagreements. Because it seemed all good reasons, I reluctantly began to do it. And oh, boy, was I wrong. It’s a forever-mental-and-emotional-Spartan-drills. By now, I imagined myself getting back on my missed pursuit of education but he keeps making circumstances difficult for me to do it. When I object, he flaunts his bit of Bible knowledge to justify his choices and actions with the expectation of my full submission. Of course, I’m not playing a dummie here as I buy books to self-educate so I’ve got theological and historical ace cards in the sleeves to defend my argument.

I also catch him frequently checking out other attractive ladies or showing interests about them subtly and subconsciously in the public. He outrightly denies any accusation I bring up the moment I catch him. Yet he doesn’t let me go to gym or schmooze with a man or a male acquaintance and most likely would have murdered me if I had done things he had done to me.
It’s to the point that I am growing discontent, resentful, angry, and irritated with my life with him experiencing an emotional exhaustion and hate to see who I have become. I’m losing myself.

Overall, we try to keep things civil and “fair” but most times, my contributions and sacrifices far outweigh than his. A divorce has always on the table for me and now the temptation is bigger than ever.
What can I do? Any insight, information, or advice will be appreciated.
Welcome to TAM @Thymegarden

If I may be so bold, your marriage sounds terrible! And your husband is not going to change for the better, what reason would he have to do that? He hasn't had any consequences for the bad things so far, he just keeps you at home with the kids and few friends.

This is a recipe for disaster and you need to get out of it right now. Him cheating all by itself is plenty of reason to divorce, but you have had forms of abuse also.

Don't believe any of his BS about being a submissive wife and bible verses. The only one you have to be accountable to in the end is God. Your husband is twisting the Bible to mean what he wants it to mean and that itself is evil. Don't stand for it. The message of the Christian faith is not about a husband controlling his wife, although many twist it to mean that.

I suggest you immediately seek help from friends, church, shelters, wherever you can and prepare to leave him. Protect yourself and your children. Do you want them to grow up like daddy? I wouldn't. Get them away from him.

Best of luck to you.
 

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You are clearly unequally yoked, something the Bible warns against. For a Christian to enter into a marriage with an unbeliever is to court disaster. The Bible warns against divorce, except in cases of adultery, which applies in your case.

2 Corinthians 6:14
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
 

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Men will always check out other women, we cannot help it. It's better he does this than checks out men. But as for the infidelity that'd be a deal breaker for me.
Incorrect. A wife shouldn't frequently catch their husband checking out other women and subtly or subconsciously showing interest in them, with the excuse of "I can't help it, I'm a man".

Sometimes I notice attractive women but most of the time I'm not paying any attention. My wife will point someone out and I have no clue what she's talking about. Or she will see someone then look at me to see if I noticed, and I'm just wondering why she's staring at me.
 

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You should leave, for your own sanity and the health of your children. Do you want your kids growing up thinking that in marriage, men can cheat all they like while women are kept as submissives who don't matter? Would you want that for a daughter? He's isolated you from everyone and keeps you in the house without any access to money so you're forced to bend to his will. This isn't a marriage, it's a hostage situation. Save yourself.
 

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You do not have a marriage, you have a nightmare! Your husband is using religion to manipulate and control you while he does whatever he wants. Had he not had an affair already his looking might not be as sensitive but with infidelity under his belt you realize you cannot trust him. I personally don't feel saving this marriage will change anything. His mindset it what it is and I don't feel this can be changed. You are going to have to be the strong one here and make the changes for yourself and not let this man control you anymore. I would suggest counseling for yourself and contact an attorney to see what you would be awarded in a divorce. 5 children total now, am I correct? Child support sure would be helpful. In many states when you have not been working and the spouse has the career to provide you can get alimony based on income, at least temporarily. I have even known of women being awarded for their husband (ex) to pay for their education so they can be self supporting.
 

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If what you are really asking is how to change him into a decent person that you can be compatible with and enjoy being around, the answer is - you can’t.

There is nothing you can say and no Bible verse or paragraph out of a relationship or marriage book that you can show him to where he will magically transform into a different person.

This is who and what he is.

Your choices are suck up and live with it the best you can.

Or pack up and leave him to live the rest of you life on your terms.

Suck up or pack up. Those are your options. If he was going to magically transform, he would have done so by now.
 

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So, he cheated, is controlling, and has isolated you. Yet, uses the Bible to remind you to be a submissive wife. Ugh. :rolleyes:The Bible also states as part of that ''submissive'' passage, that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. They actually go together. Not ''wives need to submit,'' but the husbands can just have a free for all.

My advice is to look into divorcing him. He likely won't change, and you'll add another five years to this prison sentence waiting for him to. I'm sure it won't be easy leaving a man like this, so please...make sure you have a solid support system that you can easily turn to, if things get worse for you. I'm sorry you're in such a difficult place right now.
 

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Adding a story to show how damaging religion and the church can be to those who twist words and meanings. Currently I have a friend who is going through a divorce. Her husband started having an affair 4 years ago. This is a church going couple with values they passed to their children, upstanding couple in the community, established business owners. He quoted her scriptures to support his affair....twisted. He truly believes he should be allowed to love and have sex with two women. She, of course was very hurt to hear about the affair but her thought was what do we have to do to fix the marriage. She told me that God told her that she had to find herself and in order to do this she had to find Him (God) first. She became the obedient wife trying to please her husband to win him back....lost weight, tried to find interests they could do together, they started seeing a marriage counselor. He told her the affair was over so she thought all her efforts had paid off. She then found out that he had lied to her and that the affair had never stopped. She told him that she could not continue to be married to him as long as he was seeing the other woman. he chose to divorce his wife.
 
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