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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello everyone,

I need advice on how deal with my fiance's constant insensitivity. We're getting married in less than a month and I know we're both under a lot of stress, but how do I really know its not something deeper?

He's 27 and I'm 23. We've been together for almost 4 yrs now. He's always been kind of self-centered. He has a bad relationship with his family, he's very quiet and reserved. He doesn't have any friends, he doesn't drink. He was diagnosed with Mild OCD and Avoidant personality a few months ago.

Because his lack of religious beliefs, his shrink told him he was "Spiritually dead." Ever since then, he's even more insensitive and argumentative.

Every day and every night we're arguing over tiny little things that don't even matter, but there we are... fighting. He's told me several times that he doesn't know if he has any feelings. He thinks he knows what love is but is not sure. I think this has just become a rambling post, I just need some help on this. I do love him but I question him a lot. I dont want to marry him just because everything is all paid for.

Help Please
Running out of time. :confused:
 

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Hello everyone,

I need advice on how deal with my fiance's constant insensitivity. We're getting married in less than a month and I know we're both under a lot of stress, but how do I really know its not something deeper?

He's 27 and I'm 23. We've been together for almost 4 yrs now. He's always been kind of self-centered. He has a bad relationship with his family, he's very quiet and reserved. He doesn't have any friends, he doesn't drink. He was diagnosed with Mild OCD and Avoidant personality a few months ago.

Because his lack of religious beliefs, his shrink told him he was "Spiritually dead." Ever since then, he's even more insensitive and argumentative.

Every day and every night we're arguing over tiny little things that don't even matter, but there we are... fighting. He's told me several times that he doesn't know if he has any feelings. He thinks he knows what love is but is not sure. I think this has just become a rambling post, I just need some help on this. I do love him but I question him a lot. I dont want to marry him just because everything is all paid for.

Help Please
Running out of time. :confused:
hey there;) besides being self centered has he
always been argumentative? or did this just
start after he saw his shrink?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
He's always had his moments, but more recently it's becoming more aparent that he has issues he has to deal with. Two nights ago, we were tickling each other playfully and somehow he ended up hitting me in the head with his knee. I was fine, it was an accident, but he did not apologize. I asked him if he even felt a little bad, maybe a little sorry? His response... "No, it was an accident. Not my fault." I tried to talk to him about it but it just felt like he wasn't taking it seriously. He told me I was being silly and taking it too far.

I'm just confused. I think I've been living with the idea that he might change his ways. Now, it seems like that's never going to happen. Maybe I'm the one that needs to see a shrink. :scratchhead:
 

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How a psychiatrist would justify delving into his lack of religious belief is beyond me, but his being "spiritually dead" isn't something to hang a hat on.

The avoidance, however, is something that you need to re-consider, IMHO. This will definitely impact every segment of your marriage with delays or flat out refusals to embrace growth and change.

What were the original reasons you decided to marry him? Have those reasons been eclipsed by his behavior?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
How a psychiatrist would justify delving into his lack of religious belief is beyond me, but his being "spiritually dead" isn't something to hang a hat on.

The avoidance, however, is something that you need to re-consider, IMHO. This will definitely impact every segment of your marriage with delays or flat out refusals to embrace growth and change.

What were the original reasons you decided to marry him? Have those reasons been eclipsed by his behavior?
To be honest with you I think those reasons have definitely been eclipsed by his negative behavior. I used to think we were perfect for each other. You know, he's the thinker and I'm the doer. We're different in everything we do. He's the control freak, and I go with the flow. It seemed perfect when we started dating and when he proposed. More recently, he's said and done things that have left me hurt, crying, and wondering if I really want to marry him. I've tried talking to him but he doesn't take it seriously. It may be the way I'm approaching it, but he laughs and says I'm crazier than he is.

Now don't get me wrong, he's not like that ALL the time. Sometimes he does little things that make me think he's not completely heartless. And that confuses me even more.
 

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To be honest with you I think those reasons have definitely been eclipsed by his negative behavior. I used to think we were perfect for each other. You know, he's the thinker and I'm the doer. We're different in everything we do. He's the control freak, and I go with the flow. It seemed perfect when we started dating and when he proposed. More recently, he's said and done things that have left me hurt, crying, and wondering if I really want to marry him. I've tried talking to him but he doesn't take it seriously. It may be the way I'm approaching it, but he laughs and says I'm crazier than he is.

Now don't get me wrong, he's not like that ALL the time. Sometimes he does little things that make me think he's not completely heartless. And that confuses me even more.
look at the overall package and decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life. As a person you should never settle for a s/o they should be the best thing helping your life.

There is very few times when I am with my wife that I do not feel in bliss. This is the way it should be. If he is not providing that for you you need to ask why. Plus right before a wedding you should be running on the adreniline high. Not that having cold feet doesn't happen but there are signs here that he was fun for a time but not the type you spend the rest of your life with.

the final choice is yours though. You know who and what he is deep down. He has issues he has tried to address, so atleast he is willing to try. But what of his learning curve and what if he never changes?

draconis
 

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If this bothering you now, it will bother you hundreds time worse later after you marry. Issues like this can ruin a relationship. Really listen to your instincts on this, if you think it's something you can except and get over then get over it. Personnally, I couldn't. I have found most men are naturally insensitive to a womans need and it's very difficult to change them. Maybe he has some other qualities that can overshadow this flaw in his personnallity, if not this could get worse and could cause serious unhappiness. You deserve...we all deserve HAPPINESS.
 

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I totally agree with loyalandalone. He is not going to change after marriage, and all the little habits that are driving you to tears now will drive you to tears later. Is this the type of relationship you want to have for the rest of your life?

I tried to talk to him about it but it just felt like he wasn't taking it seriously.
This really bothers me more than anything you wrote. You should have someone that takes you seriously. It doesn't matter if HE feels something isn't a big deal. If it matters to you he should care because you matter to him. Don't let him blow you off and tell him how serious and worried you are about your relationship. If he doesn't come around, I think you've got your answer about how serious he is about you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I'm sorry for not writing back sooner. I appreciate all of your help. :smthumbup:

Good news is that we talked and he listened this time. I told him that this was a serious issue and we needed to resolve it. He's admitted to me that he knows sometimes he comes off as insensitive or that he couldn't care anyless, but that is not the case in his head. He cares a lot about what i have to say, what I feel, and what i want. He's been trying for the past few weeks to make things better. We are getting married next weekend.

The only bad news I have is that my mom will not be making it to the wedding and that bums me out a lot. But we're moving forward and hoping for the best.

Again, thank you all for your input. Everything made sense. And now that we've actually talked, I feel a lot better.

:)
 

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wild_apple, I'm just jumping in the conversation, but I wish you the best of luck. Don't forget that you deserve to be treated well before and after the wedding. Stand up for yourself, and seek help if you need it. Let us know how things are going.
 
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