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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm really struggling with how an argument with my husband just went.

He travels for work pretty regularly, two weeks out of the month he will be gone for 2-4 days. He just returned home today, this time he left Sunday, after leaving home a few hours early to go to a football game which bothers me because that's a few hours less with me and the kids (I was supposed to join him but there was a miscommunication with tickets-- he could have canceled but I told him to go still and enjoy it. Clearly I'm bitter about it). He had a 3-day conference which involves a lot of schmoozing with clients and prospects, lots of work but fun too. I mention this because while he is doing that I'm home with our two kids. Im a SAHM that homeschools. The kids are little so very demanding-- 1 year old and 4 years old. (Yes you can home school a 4 year old.)

When he got home around mid-day he was instantly all over me. Great and all but I was still juggling the kids and had been feeling a bit under the weather for a few days, sore throat, tired, etc. I was excited to see him though and had gotten dressed up and did my hair in preparation for him coming home. The next few hours he had work and then we had dinner and had to get the kids to bed...aside from tasks we didn't talk and after the kids were down I came up to him and started to talk to him about a new lesson I am starting for our 4 year old and he start coming on to me. After a few minutes I ask if we can make the bed real quick and he was annoyed but said ok. As I was finishing the bed he walks away and starts unpacking from his trip and making comments about the laundry not being finished, etc. basically making it clear he is in a bad mood now. I ask him about it and he makes a remark about me not being interested in him.

I explain that wasn't the case, that I just started feeling frustrated and hurt that he was only concerned with his needs and not how I was doing, etc. and that when he didn't get what he wanted he had no interest in me. I said he was being insensitive and selfish, and that in the argument now he was being defensive. He basically laughed at that and said no, I just wasn't interested in him and didn't address what I said. He was being insulting and belittled of my feelings. I got angry and said he might as well just go back out of town. He was really hurt by that and wouldn't let it go. We stopped speaking for a while and when I came back to talk more I apologized for being nasty and explained I was feeling insecure because he was working with adults and having a good time, really excited about his work and I felt like he wasn't interested in what I was doing. He thanked me for opening up but went right back into how nasty I was and he couldn't get past it. I told him that he wasn't actually talking to me about my feelings and wasn't really listening... he asked if he should sleep in our guest room and I said I don't care.

I followed him to the guest room to try and figure it out. He refused to come back to our room. He told me it was laughable and ridiculous that him wanting to have sex with me could ever be selfish. I explained that me being with the kids for 4 days and him being with adults puts us in different head spaces. He kept Interrupting me and being disrespectful and when I asked him to stop he said if I don't like it I should just leave the room.When I was rude in response he said don't talk to me that way. I'm not a child. I tried to explain that He isn't above mutual respect but he wouldn't budge. So I left the room.

He has now texted me I don't understand how hurtful it was and I apologized again and now he has texted me, show me you don't want me to leave. And I'm rolling my eyes so hard.

Is this ridiculous? I don't feel out of line and feel like he is indeed being super selfish and insensitive and now completely disrespectful and dismissive of my feelings.
 

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He’s away for days, comes home and wants to have sex and you refused? Oh boy, another sexless marriage in the making. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, kids are marriage killers. Put the kids in school where they belong, get yourself a job so you are interacting with people older than 4, and make time for one another. You’re supposed to take care of each other’s needs in a true partnership.
 

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It sucks that he has no interest in catching up a little when he gets home from a trip. You're right that he doesn't seem the least bit interested in what you've been doing or how you're feeling. He's feeling horny and I guess that supersedes everything else.

Maybe it's time for some marriage counseling. Do you get the feeling that if it's not sexual, he doesn't want to hear it? Is this an ongoing thing or do you frequently talk about each other's day?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
He’s away for days, comes home and wants to have sex and you refused? Oh boy, another sexless marriage in the making. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, kids are marriage killers. Put the kids in school where they belong, get yourself a job so you are interacting with people older than 4, and make time for one another. You’re supposed to take care of each other’s needs in a true partnership.
It's not like I wasn't interested. I'm not a machine either. I have feelings.
It's also a mutual choice for our kids to be home. I'm curious if you have kids? I agree we need to take care of each other first but my issue is how was he taking care of me?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
It sucks that he has no interest in catching up a little when he gets home from a trip. You're right that he doesn't seem the least bit interested in what you've been doing or how you're feeling. He's feeling horny and I guess that supersedes everything else.

Maybe it's time for some marriage counseling. Do you get the feeling that if it's not sexual, he doesn't want to hear it? Is this an ongoing thing or do you frequently talk about each other's day?
I think he is happy to hear "things are good" and has no interest in prying. When I do discuss things I'm doing or am passionate about I don't feel like he takes it seriously.
I think he was horny and gets that way after drinking the night before (which he was doing for the 3 nights he was gone) and it was all that mattered.

He doesnt like the idea of counseling because he feels like It means we failed and it scares him.
 

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It's not like I wasn't interested. I'm not a machine either. I have feelings.
It's also a mutual choice for our kids to be home. I'm curious if you have kids? I agree we need to take care of each other first but my issue is how was he taking care of me?
Yes. I have five.

His issue is you not taking care of him. So you got this passive-aggressive thing going. Playing chicken with each other. Who’s going to blink first. I’ve been in that type of marriage and it’s truly awful.
 

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I told him that he wasn't actually talking to me about my feelings and wasn't really listening... he asked if he should sleep in our guest room and I said I don't care.

I followed him to the guest room to try and figure it out.
I'm weighing in as a woman here. You told him you didn't care if he slept in the guest room. THEN you followed him to "figure it out." Uh, no. Just no. You wanted to make a point, he wasn't getting it, and you went into nagging mode. You should have let it drop and gone to bed. Let him sleep in the guest room. Cooler heads would likely prevail when everyone had a good night's sleep.

I tried the I-refuse-to-let-this-drop technique on my husband a few times. Failed miserably. And although you may think he's living the high life while he's out schmoozing with clients and coworkers, it's not nearly as glamourous as it sounds. Of course, changing poopy diapers isn't a bed of roses by any means.

JMO
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Yes. I have five.

His issue is you not taking care of him. So you got this passive-aggressive thing going. Playing chicken with each other. Who’s going to blink first. I’ve been in that type of marriage and it’s truly awful.
I feel like you're making a lot of assumptions. I'm genuinely sorry that your marriage didn't work out and that you feel like your kids played a part in that.

my husband and I have said since before we were married that we would make time for each other and make each other a priority. This is a two way street and if I'm feeling ****ty I need my needs met too and sex Is not the only need. Its obviously a very important one but is not the only one.

Also marriages are destroyed by a lot more than kids. The list is too long to include here..
 

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I think he is happy to hear "things are good" and has no interest in prying. When I do discuss things I'm doing or am passionate about I don't feel like he takes it seriously.
I think he was horny and gets that way after drinking the night before (which he was doing for the 3 nights he was gone) and it was all that mattered.

He doesnt like the idea of counseling because he feels like It means we failed and it scares him.
Nobody should be so self focused that they can't have a polite discussion with their mate when they get home. That's just childish and so unwise. He sounds pretty uninvolved if all he wants to hear is if things are okay and not have any involvement or knowledge about the details.

He is being awfully insensitive.
 

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Many posters here suggest reading the Five Love Languages when a couple is having some challenges with communication. Could be your husband's primary language is touch while yours is verbal connection. Actually, I've never read the book, so I'm sorry if those aren't the correct labels for the "languages."

So do you feel you and your husband are both guilty of not making one another a priority?

ETA: I'm just referring to this particular instance, but do you feel that sometimes both of you just have too much on your minds or too many life stressors and don't prioritize one another?
 

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I feel like you're making a lot of assumptions. I'm genuinely sorry that your marriage didn't work out and that you feel like your kids played a part in that.

my husband and I have said since before we were married that we would make time for each other and make each other a priority. This is a two way street and if I'm feeling ****ty I need my needs met too and sex Is not the only need. Its obviously a very important one but is not the only one.

Also marriages are destroyed by a lot more than kids. The list is too long to include here..
It seems like you came here to vent and there’s nothing wrong with that. However, I’m still getting the sense that if he’s not fulfilling your needs, you won’t fulfill his. That’s a recipe for disaster.
 

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I agree with some of the thoughts given so far, and what jumped out at me is that you don’t feel heard by your husband, that he doesn’t seem to take your passions seriously …but you also seem to think when he’s out with clients, he’s having fun. I think it would be helpful to start there with your husband, but be mindful of your perspective of his work life. It’s not a contest as to who has had the tougher week - you’re in this together.

I get though that your husband’s timing was off but he desired you in the moment. I wouldn’t be so quick to consider that selfish, unless that’s all he cares about. Just find time perhaps this weekend to talk things out, but without the need to be right. You just want to be heard. Our husbands hear more than we think. lol So just have a calm casual conversation and hopefully, you can clear the air.
 

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If my husband came home from being away for days, didn't ask a single question about how I was and how my week had been, and then proceeded to criticise the housework I wouldn't feel like sex either.

Is this a regular occurrence OP, and is this how you two argue all the time or was this a one off?
 

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I think he is happy to hear "things are good" and has no interest in prying. When I do discuss things I'm doing or am passionate about I don't feel like he takes it seriously.
I think he was horny and gets that way after drinking the night before (which he was doing for the 3 nights he was gone) and it was all that mattered.

He doesnt like the idea of counseling because he feels like It means we failed and it scares him.
To me it sounds like both of you could have handeled things better when he came home. Unless both of you can forgive each other and start acting more adult, I strongly suggest counseling. If he is afraid of idea becasue if means we have failed, then by all means tell him that your marriage is in crisis if this kind of things keeps happening and the two of you need someone experienced to help the both of you understand each other and make each other feel loved. In short tell him to pull up his big boy pants and get over his fear, because if this isn't fixed it is going to become a real crisis that will threaten the core of your marriage.

Good luck. Mly wife when she was a stay at home mom thougth business travel was exotic. I took her with me on a couple trips. I even took the whole family with me on a couple of trips. They got to see exactly the less expensive hotels I stayed at the short hours I have for meals. It didn't take long form my wife to conclude she didn't want to go on business trips anymore.
 

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You wrote in your other thread that you would be interested in my thoughts on this newer post …and essentially, my response would be the same. I’m just someone with a keyboard and opinion based on what you chose to share, so make of it what you will.

I winced reading the post. I’d hazard the guess that you both seek closeness from the other, yet as a couple of others have already highlighted, there’s a bit of a tug of war occurring between you, and where it seems you both also ‘okay’ something that you’re not actually ‘okay’ with.

There were so many small opportunities within the scenario you shared for both / either of you to disarm and instead get over yourselves to demonstrate LOVE for the other. I get that sometimes in the moment that may not feel easy to do, however, it IS doable. To succinctly cut through the narrative of bull-wotsit and remind yourself that this is your person. I’m talking about reasonably healthy marriages that need tweaking. My view is that making yourself mentally and emotionally cut through the hurt and noise can lead to clarity to express both what you (universal ‘you’) need and then allows understanding of the other too. It’s not about ignoring your emotions, they’re valid; it’s just kinda acknowledging them but then deeper to what it’s really about. I personally find from that ‘place’ I’m then also more open to listening and understanding my husband’s perspective. I’m not suggesting that in my marriage we have it all figured out either. Far from it! It’s continual learning and adjusting as we go. Still, I’d suggest that one of you needs to ‘disarm’ when those scenarios occur …do something very different and from a place that you’re in this together. Also, quit saying ‘okay’ to things if it’s not really something you’re good with. Resentment achieves nothing but damage. Reading between the lines, you want shared closeness with your husband …so lead yourself from that.
 
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NB: I just skim-reread your other thread. I don’t apply the above to being called names and such that I commented on back then.

Also, without meaning to be off-topic but do you still communicate with one another when he’s away? Daily phone-calls or texts at minimum?
 

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I'm weighing in as a woman here. You told him you didn't care if he slept in the guest room. THEN you followed him to "figure it out." Uh, no. Just no. You wanted to make a point, he wasn't getting it, and you went into nagging mode. You should have let it drop and gone to bed. Let him sleep in the guest room. Cooler heads would likely prevail when everyone had a good night's sleep.

I tried the I-refuse-to-let-this-drop technique on my husband a few times. Failed miserably. And although you may think he's living the high life while he's out schmoozing with clients and coworkers, it's not nearly as glamourous as it sounds. Of course, changing poopy diapers isn't a bed of roses by any means.

JMO
Why does everyone want to talk about their feelings ad nauseam 🙄?
 

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So a couple points, business travel is hard on both people even if it appears from the one staying home that the traveler gets out of their responsibilities at home and gets to go out partying.

I have to go on a week long trip (10 hour flight) to an office few people go to for really no good reason other than my boss told me to. It will not be fun, in fact I’d honestly probably rather dig ditches all day and be able to go home instead of going on this trip. So even if I go out to a nice dinner or drinking or something, when you don’t have a choice and you don’t have friends on the trip; it’s not fun.

With that said, I do a LOT at home and my wife is going to feel the full impact of that even if she only does the bare minimum like make sure the cat has food and a clean litter box, those are things she doesn’t have to do on a normal basis.

Having been on both sides of it, it’s just bad. Business travel isn’t good for relationships in my opinion.

Both partners need to put themselves in the shoes of the other person.
 

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I'm weighing in as a woman here. You told him you didn't care if he slept in the guest room. THEN you followed him to "figure it out." Uh, no. Just no. You wanted to make a point, he wasn't getting it, and you went into nagging mode. You should have let it drop and gone to bed. Let him sleep in the guest room. Cooler heads would likely prevail when everyone had a good night's sleep.
About the guest room comment, as I did a double-wince reading that, I agree with Prodigal here. At the same time, I’m weighing in that he ASKED you whether he should. Why would he do that? Maybe it’s because he was testing the waters and giving you opportunity one way or another. It does all come across as passive-aggressive to me, from both of you, and granted I’m not completely sure what that term means but have a rough idea.

Did you really not care? Seems you did as you followed him in, written a thread about it and such. And so, if you did indeed care, what prevented you from answering ‘No, I don’t want you in the guest room’. I’m focused more on you as you are the one posting.
 

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So a couple points, business travel is hard on both people even if it appears from the one staying home that the traveler gets out of their responsibilities at home and gets to go out partying.

I have to go on a week long trip (10 hour flight) to an office few people go to for really no good reason other than my boss told me to. It will not be fun, in fact I’d honestly probably rather dig ditches all day and be able to go home instead of going on this trip. So even if I go out to a nice dinner or drinking or something, when you don’t have a choice and you don’t have friends on the trip; it’s not fun.

With that said, I do a LOT at home and my wife is going to feel the full impact of that even if she only does the bare minimum like make sure the cat has food and a clean litter box, those are things she doesn’t have to do on a normal basis.

Having been on both sides of it, it’s just bad. Business travel isn’t good for relationships in my opinion.

Both partners need to put themselves in the shoes of the other person.
This is what folks sometimes don't understand.

Traveling to the not-having-to-travel-constantly crowd seems always glamorous and interesting.

But to the has to traveling person after a while it can be tedious.
Like you say, an employee has to travel at the company's direction doing company business.

And you're at the will of the customers.
Experienced travelers still have to take sanity breaks wherever they happen to be or burn out is right around the corner.

I traveled so very much early on that just being home was a vacation.
 
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