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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My Girlfriend/fiance has a male "best friend" whom make me feel insecure and now very untrusting. My nature is to be jealous and this is something I am battling and working on.

We have lived together for five months. She moved over from Taiwan. Our relationship has been turbulant yet I do love her. This best freind,, I knew about early on because she would check her emails before bed and laugh at his jokes and things. I didn't like this feeling and told her so. I asked if he was on her facebook and she said no because he didnt speak english. Later I found out he was. She said they only talked about religeon and politics. Then I found out she called him overseas after I left the house for work. Then I found a card before Christmas she wrote him. On the front it said . "I love you" inside it said "you mean the world to me, you make my dreams come true, I am so lucky to have you and your love." She highlighted "you mean the world to me."

I confronted her yet she came up with some crazy story it was for me, and she was sending it to him for him to mail to me. She insisted it was for me until I told her I saw the chinese writting and she finally admitted it.

She says she is very sorry for hurting me but she did it because she felt lonely and we had a lot of fights. Even after though,, after a big argument I found out she called him. She keeps telling me he is just a supportive friend. They were a couple yet it didnt work out and he has been there for her and is like familly to her. She tells me I have to be more confident because she is with me and not him.

I keep feeling insecure and cant stop doubting. She went back for a visit to Taiwan and guess whose phone she called me on?? his. I love her but dont know if I can take this.
Am I beeing insecure? Or should I take the hard move and end it or step back because of the bad feelings I now get?
 

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From what you've written it doesnt sound like you're being insecure. She lied to you a number of times and therefore lost your trust. I dont think you should trust her.

But you also cant force her to stop talking to this guy. You can tell her how you feel about her being with him but if she doesnt want to drop the relationship with him then you have to decide if you can live with this. If you cant then you might need to find a different girl.
 

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You have valid concerns and as long as she can not provide you the security that a future wife should provide, I think she is not there with the whole marriage thing.

I mean I really don't don't think the definition of marraige or spouse has been shown here. I don't know any thing but from what you posted, but she has no clue on the meaning of marriage,vows and promises, much lees does she understand the role of being a spouse.

So with that said if you marry her I believe you'll find your self in the same place you are now, but in the future you have no one to blame but your self b/c the gods have warned you once and you choosed to ignor them.

Listen to what your gut is telling you and do not marry this women now. I understand that you love her but until she understands the role as a wife and the commitment of being spouse you need to hold off on the marriage. In the mean time enjoy her company and have the relationship that she expect to have b/c the relationship you expect to have will end in divorce. So wait it out and wait and see if she is the selfless person who will give up a best friend to have you as a best friend instead.
 

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she is a habitual liar, she can tell a lie on this, she can tell lies on other things too , you never know what is real what is not real from her mouth, I don't think this is the right type of woman to be married.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks for input.I feel so blue now,, I have lost what was a very special feeling,,, now I feel kind of sick inside. I could tell her that I can't accept this friendship anymore and it is causing too much damage,, but I almost think what is the point,, right now I can't shake this mistrust,,and wonder if it ever go away.
What she always tells me is he is like a brother,, there is no desire for him, that he is just very supportive and I don't understand because I have never experienced this kind of friendship.. Sorry I just know I would make a choice if I cared about the relationship and stop calling and or sending emails and chat in private times.
 

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Thanks for input.I feel so blue now,, I have lost what was a very special feeling,,, now I feel kind of sick inside. I could tell her that I can't accept this friendship anymore and it is causing too much damage,, but I almost think what is the point,, right now I can't shake this mistrust,,and wonder if it ever go away.
What she always tells me is he is like a brother,, there is no desire for him, that he is just very supportive and I don't understand because I have never experienced this kind of friendship.. Sorry I just know I would make a choice if I cared about the relationship and stop calling and or sending emails and chat in private times.
talking about the other guy is being supportive, there something you should know about Taiwaness or Chinese: some men keep a second wife or a mistress, and they take part of their responsiblity too---paying for their lusty life( give the second secret wife or mistress money, houses....kind of life support). some people do that, doesn't mean it's right. to me, I have no right to judge other people's life, but, I never want to make friends with any of those people, I even don't want their ideals to poison my mind.
take care
 

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If it was me I would cut my losses and move on. The story has changed to many times on isues that are to important.
 

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one more thing: maybe she is playing sort of game with you, such as hide and seek, catching a mouse, playing house…..just hang you on somewhere, be vulnerable, feel desperate for her, mad for her but can not easily reach her. meanwhile, she may try to show you that she is popular, and you should be grateful to have her as a girlfriend. This is very immature behavior and nobody wants to be played as fool. Normally, this type of person is very controlling too, maybe what I said is wrong here, but just to pay a little bit attention to it won’t do you harm.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
It's hard because she makes me feel good,, she's smart, attractive, we have similar goals and lifestyle, and we seem to have a strong bond and love.

I wrote the ex,


"Possibly you can explain? ***** was about to mail you a letter, inside was a card that said spoke about love. ***** said the card was ment for me ,,,,Yet,,, it was all written in chinese, a language I cannot read, and was addressed to you. She became very very upset when I questioned her about it and was willing to end our relationship if I looked at the card. I did see it and it seems very clear to me it was ment for you. You can write me back very soon. I need answers."


Dec 23 he wrote back,,

"She is a stubborn and cute girl,if you want to get her heart,you must to tolerate and support her forever,whatever she do(include that letter...I had similar experience before),she really confused now,she miss Taiwan,and worry about what she can do if stay Canda, so,you must let her know you will support her whatever she decide,because I did that too.. .

The love between us was more like family love, because of some reasons, we know there will be no resolve between us, but I am still willing to take care about her forever, even if she is married or I am married... If you don't like that,you can tell me (and ****) you will take care about her forever, whatever she does (she always do something stupid...), i will never intervene in your life"

So now she is back there for three months. She is planning to come back and marry me. I think I have to put these plans on hold. I do plan to talk about this a lot more but don't want to beat it to death. She has already told me how sorry she is to have done this and to have hurt me so bad. She tells me we have to look at the why,,,, we had a lot of fights,, she left everything to be with me,,, she had a lot of stuggles becomming a step mom to my 11 year old son,, she felt she was a stranger in the familly,, she lost her balance,, she had no one to turn to,,, he has been her best friend for years and he was the one who always supported her to stay and to follow her dreams. She tells me she doesnt want to give up she tells me we have to grow stronger from this.

Of course though she also tells me if I cannot let it go to not torturte myself. Dont torture the both of us and end it. There are only two options,,, end it or move on and try to heal... Sure ,,, ok but,,,,I simply can't live with this thought of me going to work and her calling him ten min after I leave. She tells me I have to be more confident because she is with me and not him. ?? I still cant accept this,, it makes me feel weak,, like I should be more secure in myself.
Thanks for the input everyone,,, wow,, its so nice to have people listen and help me sort this out. I hope I can do the same one day for others. Today I feel better. If I lose her its ok. If we stay together I will be on guard. I feel so strongly about her but this sinking feeling is too much to bear.

I may have to tell her I can't accept this friendship,, because it is too much of an intrusion. I can forgive,,, but still don't know if I can forget. In some ways it seems petty compared to what other people go through,., this part I know. But it is still about truth and trust.
 

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Your grilfriend is heartly bounded with another man and she is coming back to marry you? this is quite uncomprehensive to me. when I married my husband, I made sure that I was the only woman in his life, pyshically and mentally, and he was the same. If I had had a back up plan, I wouldn't have worked so hard for working out a marriage.
Good luck.
 
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