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I am at wit’s end.We had 2 couple Friends over last Friday,we were sitting at the dining table.One of the Husbands, out of the blue tells my husband, “Hey you aren’t looking dark today!”, meaning complexion wise, that same guy once, at his house, told my husband “Hey you look dark today!”
So, I just couldn’t take it and stepped up for my husband and said “No matter how dark he is, he is & will always be my hero!”And also told him, not to say that again,it hurts me!
After they left, I told my husband that he should have shut that friend up by saying “what do you mean?”
To which,my husband replied “I have a different approach to things, am not like you,I don’t react so easily!”
I told him, Yes, as humans, we are all different, but standing up for the right thing, is something EVERY single human being should do!
He got mad and said “Who are you to tell me how and when I should react,you should respect my feelings!
I am so so hurt, almost 20 years of marriage and am asked “who are you?”
What are your thoughts?Did I do or say anything wrong?
Sorry, this is long! I spoke for him and this is what I get to hear from him in return!
Which statement was an insult? Telling him he doesn't look to dark or telling him he looks dark?

Not many husbands want their wife fighting their battles for them. I find it interesting that he stood up to you but did not stand up to him.

You are hurt that after 20 years of marriage he asks "who are you" ......while after 20 years of marriage you don't know him well enough to know that he has "a different approach to things" and doesn't "react so easily".
 

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Discussion Starter #63
Which statement was an insult? Telling him he doesn't look to dark or telling him he looks dark?

Not many husbands want their wife fighting their battles for them. I find it interesting that he stood up to you but did not stand up to him.

You are hurt that after 20 years of marriage he asks "who are you" ......while after 20 years of marriage you don't know him well enough to know that he has "a different approach to things" and doesn't "react so easily".
I know him well enough, that’s why I wanted him to speak up!!!!!!
Looking dark IS NOT an insult, but someone just bringing it up for no reason, while we are all in a different conversation, THAT IS AN INSULT!!!!!
Not many husbands yes, and mine did not say I did anything wrong! Our argument is about him approaching the situation!
 

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Discussion Starter #64
Perhaps some introspection on why you are getting so very upset about this might be of assistance.

It seems that this issue has really struck a nerve with you, and whilst you're Husband may have not liked what was said, your reaction speaks to something deeper than what you've alluded to.
Because this Friend has done this, out of the blue, firs time, you can give him the benefit of the doubt and let it go, second time, YES, we know it’s a not a joke! And I am not sorry at all for what I said, I feel bad that I was too nice to that Friend in delivering my message!
 

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Because this Friend has done this, out of the blue, firs time, you can give him the benefit of the doubt and let it go, second time, YES, we know it’s a not a joke! And I am not sorry at all for what I said, I feel bad that I was too nice to that Friend in delivering my message!
There's a simple lesson to be learned from this whole experience I think. Just let your husband deal with these things himself. That is what he was trying to get across to you, you should probably just respect that.
 

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Discussion Starter #66
There's a simple lesson to be learned from this whole experience I think. Just let your husband deal with these things himself. That is what he was trying to get across to you, you should probably just respect that.
The Only lesson I learnt is, next time I won’t be as nice as I was this time!!!!!
My Husband wasn’t mad at me for what I did!
 

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The Only lesson I learnt is, next time I won’t be as nice as I was this time!!!!!
My Husband wasn’t mad at me for what I did!
Wow. If that's your takeaway from this... wow.

Well, if he can't handle exchanges himself, and needs his wife to speak for him, you two are a good match.

Not many men need their wife to intervene in conversation (with friends, no less) and speak for them.

Don't be surprised if your friends begin to view your husband as a ball-less wonder. They might already.
 

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I still don't understand why the comment was demeaning or insulting. Maybe it was insulting to make a personal comment during an entirely different conversation? Don't know. Getting your knickers in a twist because one of your friends is a classless boor is hardly worth it. Pick better friends.
 

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Discussion Starter #69
Wow. If that's your takeaway from this... wow.

Well, if he can't handle exchanges himself, and needs his wife to speak for him, you two are a good match.

Not many men need their wife to intervene in conversation (with friends, no less) and speak for them.

Don't be surprised if your friends begin to view your husband as a ball-less wonder. They might already.
No I am not surprised at all! We have some GREAT Friends and 1 or 2 assholes!And this one, was one of them! My Husband can very well deal with such assholes, but he has a limit, me, I don’t!!!
Thank you 🙏
 

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No I am not surprised at all! We have some GREAT Friends and 1 or 2 assholes!And this one, was one of them! My Husband can very well deal with such assholes, but he has a limit, me, I don’t!!! Everyone is different, it doesn’t mean my Husband can’t speak for himself!
And Thank you 🙏
 

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I still don't understand why the comment was demeaning or insulting. Maybe it was insulting to make a personal comment during an entirely different conversation? Don't know. Getting your knickers in a twist because one of your friends is a classless boor is hardly worth it. Pick better friends.
“Pick better Friends” You are right!!!!
The Friend’s wife is super sweet, hence the Friendship!
 

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Thank you for replying. There is nothing as such in India, that being of dark skin color is LOW Caste!We are indeed from the Kshatriya Cast System!

Thank you for your input! There is nothing as such though, dark skin people have nothing to do with Low caste system!
We are from Delhi, and people from the South are 99% Dark, that doesn’t mean they are ALL of a low cast!!
That is true but correct me if I am wrong when it comes to ideals of beauty etc, being ‘fair‘ is highly prized and being ‘dark’ is something which is negative. Therefore to refer to someone as ‘dark’ is by no means complimentary. As someone brought up in America you may find it extremely rude. However in Asia, this level of bluntness is quite common. However,I would suggest you let your husband handle it. You can ***** about the friends rudeness later on when you are both alone. No man needs his wife to defend his honour or ego.
 

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I still don't understand why the comment was demeaning or insulting. Maybe it was insulting to make a personal comment during an entirely different conversation? Don't know. Getting your knickers in a twist because one of your friends is a classless boor is hardly worth it. Pick better friends.
It’s a cultural thing, I get it.
 

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It’s a cultural thing, I get it.
Will you kindly explain? I've read that Northern Indians look down on Southern Indians because they are darker and a boatload of other insignificant reasons. But, they are from Delhi so they are Northern Indian. It just seems to be some kind of ribbing that the friend was insinuating that the husband was from the South?
 

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My history is very rusty now but I think a few thousand years ago the aryans invaded from the north, bringing the caste system, and the original inhabitants moved toward the south where earlier indigenous people lived. I don’t remember if colorism was a thing before the aryans invaded but it was after.

ETA: I just checked and the Hindustan Times has an interesting article on caste and light vs. dark after the aryan invasion.
 

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Thank you for replying. There is nothing as such in India, that being of dark skin color is LOW Caste!We are indeed from the Kshatriya Cast System!

Thank you for your input! There is nothing as such though, dark skin people have nothing to do with Low caste system!
We are from Delhi, and people from the South are 99% Dark, that doesn’t mean they are ALL of a low cast!!
So what’s the problem then? This friend is just saying what he feels is a fact. Maybe your husband was darker that day... why is that offensive or rude?

People say stuff about my looks all the time. You gained weight, you lost weight, you look too skinny, your wearing too much makeup, I don’t Ike how you cut your hair, that shirt isn’t your color. This is a normal occurrence of someone telling me their personal opinion about me that I don’t really care that much about. I don’t take it personally. Everyone has an opinion. If I am offended, I say something. I don’t yell or cause a scene, I simply say wow that’s rude, and they get the hint and I move on to something else.
 

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Oh and as someone who is super pale, and into health and sunscreen and staying far away from the sun, I get told all the time that I am too pale. A ignorant doctor told me that one time as well, and I just laugh it off. But I know that God made everyone with different skin colors and were not all suppose to look the same. Skin cancer runs in my family, I accept my paleness and just find it ignorant when people try to tell me my skin color isn’t good/healthy/attractive.
 

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Will you kindly explain? I've read that Northern Indians look down on Southern Indians because they are darker and a boatload of other insignificant reasons. But, they are from Delhi so they are Northern Indian. It just seems to be some kind of ribbing that the friend was insinuating that the husband was from the South?
It is all about ideals of beauty. Being 'fair' skinned is highly prized and the connotations of being 'dark' skinned is that somehow a person is inferior. it permeates many cultures in South and SE Asia not just Indian. It is not a racial bias believe it or not, it happens within the same race. You will have family commenting on daughters with 'dark' skin, do not go out in the sun, etc. Why do you want to play sports in the hot sun etc. It is quite foreign to a westerner but endemic in these parts of the world. The beauty produces are advertised in this way too, so there is a narrative that being fair skinned is something to aspire to. We have product such as "Fair and lovey" etc. It is subtle but very much there. Many grow up with this nuanced discrimination.
In the country I live in, I have heard family comments on BFs and GFs as being 'too dark."

 

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It is all about ideals of beauty. Being 'fair' skinned is highly prized and the connotations of being 'dark' skinned is that somehow a person is inferior. it permeates many cultures in South and SE Asia not just Indian. It is not a racial bias believe it or not, it happens within the same race. You will have family commenting on daughters with 'dark' skin, do not go out in the sun, etc. Why do you want to play sports in the hot sun etc. It is quite foreign to a westerner but endemic in these parts of the world. The beauty produces are advertised in this way too, so there is a narrative that being fair skinned is something to aspire to. We have product such as "Fair and lovey" etc. It is subtle but very much there. Many grow up with this nuanced discrimination.
In the country I live in, I have heard family comments on BFs and GFs as being 'too dark."

Thank you. So, it looks like it is a color thing. I understand that some blacks in the U.S. have experienced the same discrimination within their own race.
 
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