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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I am at wit’s end.We had 2 couple Friends over last Friday,we were sitting at the dining table.One of the Husbands, out of the blue tells my husband, “Hey you aren’t looking dark today!”, meaning complexion wise, that same guy once, at his house, told my husband “Hey you look dark today!”
So, I just couldn’t take it and stepped up for my husband and said “No matter how dark he is, he is & will always be my hero!”And also told him, not to say that again,it hurts me!
After they left, I told my husband that he should have shut that friend up by saying “what do you mean?”
To which,my husband replied “I have a different approach to things, am not like you,I don’t react so easily!”
I told him, Yes, as humans, we are all different, but standing up for the right thing, is something EVERY single human being should do!
He got mad and said “Who are you to tell me how and when I should react,you should respect my feelings!
I am so so hurt, almost 20 years of marriage and am asked “who are you?”
What are your thoughts?Did I do or say anything wrong?
Sorry, this is long! I spoke for him and this is what I get to hear from him in return!
 

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Well, he may be upset because you took it upon yourself to interject with his male colleague/counterpart without discussing that possibility first...

If it doesn't bother him, or he deals with it in his own way constructively, why are you jumping up and down? Because it wasn't in a way you recognise?

From the information you have given, there is either something else in play for you and how you reacted, or you have made a mountain out of a simple mole hill.
 

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I am at wit’s end.We had 2 couple Friends over last Friday,we were sitting at the dining table.One of the Husbands, out of the blue tells my husband, “Hey you aren’t looking dark today!”, meaning complexion wise, that same guy once, at his house, told my husband “Hey you look dark today!”
So, I just couldn’t take it and stepped up for my husband and said “No matter how dark he is, he is & will always be my hero!”And also told him, not to say that again,it hurts me!
After they left, I told my husband that he should have shut that friend up by saying “what do you mean, and why do you keep saying that I look dark, I don’t look dark,WTH is this?”
To which,my husband replied “I have a different approach to things, am not like you, I don’t react so easily!”
I told him, Yes, as humans, we are all different, but standing up for the right thing, is something EVERY single human being should do!
He got mad and said “Who are you to tell me how and when I should react,you should respect my feelings!
I am so so hurt, almost 20 years of marriage and am asked “who are you?”
What are your thoughts?Did I do or say anything wrong?
Sorry, this is long! I spoke for him and this is what I get to hear from him in return!
???I dont understand. Is he black? hispanic? Or do you live on the coast in the sun and sand and guy is talking about his tan?
 

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Discussion Starter #4 (Edited)
Well, he may be upset because you took it upon yourself to interject with his male colleague/counterpart without discussing that possibility first...

If it doesn't bother him, or he deals with it in his own way constructively, why are you jumping up and down? Because it wasn't in a way you recognise?

From the information you have given, there is either something else in play for you and how you reacted, or you have made a mountain out of a simple mole hill.

I am not the kind of person to make out a mountain out of a simple mole hill.My Husband admits that the friend did wrong ! That’s why I told him he should have told him without my intervention. I have nothing else in play. I am just a woman who loves her husband
 

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You overreacted.

You don't get to tell someone else how they should feel. Your husband is not a clone of you. He has his own brain and thinks and reacts his own way.

Maybe he didn't want to make a scene at the dinner table with other guests? Maybe he prefers to handle it privately? Maybe it didn't bother him? Either way, go apologize.
 

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You overreacted.

You don't get to tell someone else how they should feel. Your husband is not a clone of you. He has his own brain and thinks and reacts his own way.

Maybe he didn't want to make a scene at the dinner table with other guests? Maybe he prefers to handle it privately? Maybe it didn't bother him? Either way, go apologize.
Yep. Honestly people get so uptight and stressed about things these days. These are your friends so I am sure it wasnt meant in a rude way. Some people dont always understand what is ok to say and what its not. I know people like that, they dont mean any offence. He may be slightly on the autistic spectrum who knows. Its so hard these days to have any sort of conversation without someone getting offended about something. Its like walking on eggshells.
Your husband is entitled to speak for him self if he chooses. He must have been really embarrassed when you made that scene, as must all the others there.
I am VERY protective of my husband, but if anyone makes a joke about OZ or what Auzzies are like(he is Australian) he would laugh and so would I. He just wouldnt care.
 

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You said "no matter how dark"
And now that you say you are from India, I'm guessing that darkness or darker is part of a colourism type insult.

But it seems that you take it as an insult to heart, far more than your husband does.
Telling a person how to react or deal with someone in a manner you prefer, rarely works.
Your husband may have wanted to approach the friend in a different way, maybe with some cutting humour. A way that doesn't damage a friendship.

I can see that you are very proud of your husband, and hurt on his behalf, but you worked against him instead of with him.
Your reaction was over protective in a way.
 

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There has been a rigid caste system in India for thousands of years. Being being dark skinned is associated with being low caste. What the friend said was a very off-color (if you'll forgive the pun) joke at best, exceptionally offensive at worst.

But, OP, your husband is presumably a man who can speak for himself. And choose not to speak at all, if that is his desire. You jumping to his rescue may have felt to him as if you don't think he's capable of taking care of himself. In a very male-dominated culture, such as India's has historically been, your comments came off as emasculating to him or, worse, as you emasculating him in front of others.

The friend was very likely way out of line, but you're the one who removed everyone's ability to do the friend - and your husband - the kindness of pretending he hadn't spoken. I recommend letting your husband decide how he feels and how he wants to react to things that are directed at him. Give him the courtesy and respect of trusting that he's man enough to deal with things in his own way. It might not hurt to apologize to him for being a bit overprotective and not allowing him to speak for himself.
 

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The cultural aspect may be lost on many of us.

If someone kept taking shots at my wife, I would fire back.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
There has been a rigid caste system in India for thousands of years. Being being dark skinned is associated with being low caste. What the friend said was a very off-color (if you'll forgive the pun) joke at best, exceptionally offensive at worst.

But, OP, your husband is presumably a man who can speak for himself. And choose not to speak at all, if that is his desire. You jumping to his rescue may have felt to him as if you don't think he's capable of taking care of himself. In a very male-dominated culture, such as India's has historically been, your comments came off as emasculating to him or, worse, as you emasculating him in front of others.

The friend was very likely way out of line, but you're the one who removed everyone's ability to do the friend - and your husband - the kindness of pretending he hadn't spoken. I recommend letting your husband decide how he feels and how he wants to react to things that are directed at him. Give him the courtesy and respect of trusting that he's man enough to deal with things in his own way. It might not hurt to apologize to him for being a bit overprotective and not allowing him to speak for himself.
Thank you for replying. There is nothing as such in India, that being of dark skin color is LOW Caste!We are indeed from the Kshatriya Cast System!
There has been a rigid caste system in India for thousands of years. Being being dark skinned is associated with being low caste. What the friend said was a very off-color (if you'll forgive the pun) joke at best, exceptionally offensive at worst.

But, OP, your husband is presumably a man who can speak for himself. And choose not to speak at all, if that is his desire. You jumping to his rescue may have felt to him as if you don't think he's capable of taking care of himself. In a very male-dominated culture, such as India's has historically been, your comments came off as emasculating to him or, worse, as you emasculating him in front of others.

The friend was very likely way out of line, but you're the one who removed everyone's ability to do the friend - and your husband - the kindness of pretending he hadn't spoken. I recommend letting your husband decide how he feels and how he wants to react to things that are directed at him. Give him the courtesy and respect of trusting that he's man enough to deal with things in his own way. It might not hurt to apologize to him for being a bit overprotective and not allowing him to speak for himself.
Thank you for your input! There is nothing as such though, dark skin people have nothing to do with Low caste system!
We are from Delhi, and people from the South are 99% Dark, that doesn’t mean they are ALL of a low cast!!
 

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Discussion Starter #16
This is a very important detail. The connection between lightness and beauty may not be evident to most people reading.
Was the chap who said this also Indian?
Yes, he is also Indian, our American Friends don’t pass such obnoxious comments! He is from India and from the North, just like us.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
You said "no matter how dark"
And now that you say you are from India, I'm guessing that darkness or darker is part of a colourism type insult.

But it seems that you take it as an insult to heart, far more than your husband does.
Telling a person how to react or deal with someone in a manner you prefer, rarely works.
Your husband may have wanted to approach the friend in a different way, maybe with some cutting humour. A way that doesn't damage a friendship.

I can see that you are very proud of your husband, and hurt on his behalf, but you worked against him instead of with him.
Your reaction was over protective in a way.
I approached the Friend with humor too!
I handled the situation in a humorous manner!
 

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I don't think there was any problem with you defending your H with his friend.
I DO however think you should not blast your H because of it! He is entitled to react any way he wants. He may be non-confrontational, etc., and just deals with things differently.
So, Kudos to you for defending him, Bad for you attacking HIM about it.

I think you should talk with your H, explain why YOU got so mad (you were actually mad FOR him), and apologize for trying to tell HIM how to feel/react. You CAN say that if he is, in your view, attacked, then you WILL defend him.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Yep. Honestly people get so uptight and stressed about things these days. These are your friends so I am sure it wasnt meant in a rude way. Some people dont always understand what is ok to say and what its not. I know people like that, they dont mean any offence. He may be slightly on the autistic spectrum who knows. Its so hard these days to have any sort of conversation without someone getting offended about something. Its like walking on eggshells.
Your husband is entitled to speak for him self if he chooses. He must have been really embarrassed when you made that scene, as must all the others there.
I am VERY protective of my husband, but if anyone makes a joke about OZ or what Auzzies are like(he is Australian) he would laugh and so would I. He just wouldnt care.
No,my Husband wasn’t embarrassed AT ALL!!!!! And it’s not like I was rude in my approach to my guest, I handled it by saying it nicely! Yes,there are Jokes that we do laugh at too, but no one makes personal attacks, we don’t tell a person “Hey you are looking FAT today, hey today you aren’t looking Fat!”
We don’t make personal attacks on our Friends!
 
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