Talk About Marriage banner
1 - 20 of 40 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited by Moderator)
HELP...So, I thought I would try one of these forums and give my story ago..so I have been married nearly 20 years...

We also have a 12 year old son...Ok, so...I have known my know hubby since middle school..we ran into each other a decade later after middle school and immediately hit it off...

First let me say, I grew up in adultry... My dad cheated on my mom...I saw that pain, then after they divorced I watched her again broken into a million pieces after the man of 8 years she was deeply in love with, cheated on her as well...

Pushing foward..My first real relationship, tho still very young was a 7 year relationship that ended due to him having multiple affairs..we lived together, luckily didn't marry or have any kids..

Again, I was still very young, and had so much ahead of me..I got out of that awful relationship, meeting my know hubby roughly 4 months later...not meeting him for the first time, but running into an old friend that quickly led to a relationship...we dated 3.5 years b4 getting married...he knew My past and my upbringing around and in the midst of infidelity my whole life...

He knew that it had caused me a ton of pain, and we talked religiously about cheating...He knew that was the one thing I just couldn't bare...He was so good to me...So loving, and nurturing...promising me he would never ever put me through that kind of pain..He would, I thought protect me, guard me, love me, and if course NEVER betray me on that level...

So I thought...so we married...Roughly 3 years or so after marriage, I became prego, with our first and only son...Best thing ever...Well...when my son was around 2, my hubby who loved me so much all of a sudden out of nowhere decided he wasn't sure if he loved me, asking me to leave while he figured things out...I was floored...hurt, abandoned, lost...grasping for air....so b4 this happened, maybe a few months prior, I found a message on his phone through Fb from an old school friend of his that simply said.....I hate this....I questioned him of course...

Of course I was over reacting, being paranoid, i was crazy etc......he even had her message me saying she had messaged the wrong person...my gut told me otherwise, but my heart wanted to belive him...ok, so my toddler and I went to stay with my mom for a week or so, eventually coming home....moving foward....3.5 years ago my hubby wakes me up at 6am wanting to talk...he was trembling, and crying...

Again, I had already had a gut feeling for roughly 6 to 8 months something was off...He was distant...I questioned him repeatedly, even asking if he was cheating many times...

Even pinpointing the girl I tht He may be cheating with, asking him directly if he and this girl were having an affair...before his confession during 6 to 8 month affair, he made me feal completely ignorant on every level...Again, he tells me he is not sure if he loves me, he again tells me I'm paranoid, that I was crazy and imaging stuff. He said Ibwas pushing him away by accusing him of adultry...well then comes the confession...

Too much pain..He told this woman he loved her, he wrote her a love letter telling her he couldn't believe someone like her was into him. He went shopping with her, went around her child in her home, bashed me and the way I dressed to this woman...he was working so much, so late, but he was with her...every chance he cld get he was with her, even chasing down a guy he thought she was seeing out of jealousy...he left me one night in tears, broken and begging him to not leave me..He said his mom gave him money for a hotel room so he cld figure sum things out...BS...he went to her, staying the night with her...so, he confesses everything...tells me everything Is gonna change, he loves me, and will spend tgecrest of his life making this up to me...He made me feal safe and loved...he told me everything I needed to hear...so, I thought, ok I can give this a go...

I love him, still do...I know he loves me too..So when he confussed, over tge course of a few days an weeks, I asked him several times about the first time I had my gut feeling, years prior with his old classmate...Asked had there been an affair...Absolutely not he said ..I just knew better, and I had to find out the truth, and so I did just that...what a nightmare...

The girl years prior, who he had message me saying she had accidentally messaged him on accident....well, they had an affair years prior...this actually being the first affair...This particular affair lasted 6 years...Omg, 6 years...with one of my sons elementary teachers wife....I spoke with the hubby, who had moved foward and re married, but the things I found out abt this 6 year affair literally broke my soul....the ex told me he caught them, via texts atleast on 3 different occasions...He even called my hubby telling him to stop seeing his wife...did they stop...hell no...the ex even tried to reach out to me, but my hubby and his wife did everything they cld to stop him from making contact with me...

I was crushed...multiple affairs, both emotionally involved affairs, telling these women he loved them...vis versa...I literally just found out all of this a year ago...the 2nd affair that he confessed too, I honestly think I could have dealt with that. Iv been in therapy...but a year later after finding out abt his 6 year affair, I'm still a mess...I hurt, I feal so betrayed on so many levels..I feal like I don't know my hubby.. The better part of our marriage was spent with him living this double life..While I took all the heat cause I was jealous, crazy, paranoid, ridiculous...

I mean, I literally felt like I was crazy...I still can't get passed it...I cry so much...im numb, and I have this gut feeling I can't shake...I am honestly lost, and don't know what to do...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
36 Posts
What you husband says and what he does are two different things. Always follow what he does. He will say anything to get out of the trouble he is in. He, like all cheaters, is a skilled performer and liar.

This is not a one off thing. It's not a fling. He has done it multiple times for YEARS.

Get out. Make a plan. Consult a divorce attorney and find out what you need to do to prepare before you either move out or kick him out. Get into a support group or research on this site in the divorce section to figure out your strategy.

Don't let on for now. Stop crying, begging, discussing, or whatever you two have been doing. Move on mentally now.

Time to start looking at reality and not what you wish reality were. He's a serial cheater. You deserve better than this nonsense. He's a child. Really, how content are you in this marriage??
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Its horrible...Especially when you love this person...and I do love him...20 years is a long time. Again, I know he loves me too.and perhaps he may never cheat again...However, it happened...twice...He is literally a piece of me. We were supposed to live and die by one another...I have literally tried, and continue to battle in my brain what it is I should do...Loosing him would be like grieving the loss of a family member, because he is family...he is all I know...it sucks...but I battle daily with this emense pain, ups and downs, depression anxiety, hoping it will cease...praying just always praying...but at the se time, always hurting, never understanding
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Its horrible...Especially when you love this person...and I do love him...20 years is a long time. Again, I know he loves me too.and perhaps he may never cheat again...However, it happened...twice...He is literally a piece of me. We were supposed to live and die by one another...I have literally tried, and continue to battle in my brain what it is I should do...Loosing him would be like grieving the loss of a family member, because he is family...he is all I know...it sucks...but I battle daily with this emense pain, ups and downs, depression anxiety, hoping it will cease...praying just always praying...but at the se time, always hurting, never understanding
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,512 Posts
Actions speak louder than words. He will say whatever he has to say to keep his wife appliance and his girlfriend, because that is how he wants to live. It's up to you if that's something you can live with, but he won't stop, I'm sorry. There are no consequences when he cheats, so he will keep doing it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
He has been my provider...He is the breadwinner, however he does not hold this over my head...But he has been my sole provider...I was a Stay at home mom for many years...When I did work...It wasn't for bills...he has a 401k and an investment to the side of that set up for our retirement...I yet to have a 401k...I fear I couldn't provide for myself...change is hard
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,512 Posts
He has been my provider...He is the breadwinner, however he does not hold this over my head...But he has been my sole provider...I was a Stay at home mom for many years...When I did work...It wasn't for bills...he has a 401k and an investment to the side of that set up for our retirement...I yet to have a 401k...I fear I couldn't provide for myself...change is hard
It IS hard, and it's very scary. He has you convinced you can't take care of yourself, that you NEED him. He did that to you on purpose, so that he could treat you any way he wants and you're stuck. It's a tough choice to make, because it won't be easy. You're the only one who can say if you're more afraid of living on your own or of living the rest of your life as someone's housekeeper and plan B.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,585 Posts
Man your post breaks my heart because you have seen and lived through so much adultery carnage. Even after knowing and discussing how important it was to you to have loyalty, he still betrayed you. A 6 year LTA is not usually something that can be overcome. We’re not talking about some drunken ONS. In such a long affair, it’s expected that he had deep feelings for this other woman.

I’m not sure if you can restore your marriage after such a betrayal but one thing is sure. DO NOT make it easy. He needs to crawl over broke glass ( metaphorically speaking of course) to prove himself and even then, I’m not sure you will really be able to get over it.

I do have to say that , I’m sensing sadness from you but not anger. I think you need to reach in and find your inner bit.. and just release the kraken. If you were my friend in real life, I would tell you to dump him. I know from your experience it seems like all of us men are incapable of remaining faithful but I’m telling that is not true. There’s a ton of guy out there who love a loving loyal woman.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,888 Posts
Its horrible...Especially when you love this person...and I do love him...20 years is a long time. Again, I know he loves me too.and perhaps he may never cheat again...However, it happened...twice...He is literally a piece of me. We were supposed to live and die by one another...I have literally tried, and continue to battle in my brain what it is I should do...Loosing him would be like grieving the loss of a family member, because he is family...he is all I know...it sucks...but I battle daily with this emense pain, ups and downs, depression anxiety, hoping it will cease...praying just always praying...but at the se time, always hurting, never understanding
If he really loved you why would he have cheated, lied and deceived you for a large part of your marriage? Words are easy to say. His actions show otherwise.
Yes I know it's hard, I had to end my marriage after 23 years. However living with a man who acts so appallingly and who you can't ever trust is surely worse.

I am very happily married again now, have been for 16 years. There is life after divorce. A better life.

I do get it. My dad had a very long affair, both of my brother's wives cheated, other family members cheated or were cheated on, it's all around me as well, but all the more reason to recognise how disgusting all his cheating is.
I have a decent moral man of integrity now, don't settle for a serial cheat.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
36 Posts
Its horrible...Especially when you love this person...and I do love him...20 years is a long time. Again, I know he loves me too.and perhaps he may never cheat again...However, it happened...twice...He is literally a piece of me. We were supposed to live and die by one another...I have literally tried, and continue to battle in my brain what it is I should do...Loosing him would be like grieving the loss of a family member, because he is family...he is all I know...it sucks...but I battle daily with this emense pain, ups and downs, depression anxiety, hoping it will cease...praying just always praying...but at the se time, always hurting, never understanding
20 years IS a long time. You say you know he loves you, but this is NOT love. Sorry. You say you were supposed to live and die by one another. That is a dream that you will have to mourn. YES. Losing him would be grieving the loss of a family member, but this family member is making your life hell inside your own head. You say you have "literally tried". It does not matter a rat's behind how much you try if you are trying alone - and you are. Not one partner can save a marriage, but they can put themselves in the grave or ruin the lives of their children trying.

Honestly, you sound like you are looking for validation that you should stay. I stayed after infidelity. ONE instance of infidelity, not repeated over years. Everything you are saying about the pain, the anxiety, the ups and downs....I get it, been there. No amount of hoping it will cease will make it cease. You have to start putting one foot in front of the other. I think you have been dealing with this for so long you don't even know how bad it is. It will get better once you put some boundaries down between you and this serial cheater. He says he loves you. He does not know what that means, apparently. What he does is not love. Love is a choice you make when you have an opportunity to do something that will give you short term pleasure but will devastate your spouse. Love is honoring your spouse, not torturing them and lying to them and making them think they are losing their mind so you can get your jollies.

As someone said to me when my husband was doing very similar things: "Save your marriage? You don't have a marriage."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,512 Posts
Love is a choice you make when you have an opportunity to do something that will give you short term pleasure but will devastate your spouse. Love is honoring your spouse, not torturing them and lying to them and making them think they are losing their mind so you can get your jollies.
Love is what I feel for this comment. This is amazing, OP, please read this over and over. There is so much truth here.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
851 Posts
You know what to do.

Once you come to the conclusion that you will no longer let fear dictate your actions only then (and only then) will you take the necessary action to end this nightmare.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,397 Posts
What everyone else posted. I’ve read quite a few of these stories on here but yours really breaks my heart. :( I think you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship and your husband sounds like he has narcissistic tendencies. (This isn’t just a story about a “nice guy” who made a mistake, imo.)

I hope you can find a way out of this - change is hard but it’s worth it if on the other side, you’re living your life in a way that brings you peace and happiness.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Talk to an attorney so you know facts regarding the financial aspect.

Don't go by fear and worry, get facts, you might be pleasantly surprised at what you find out.
I have been told in some situations a hubby has to pay alimony to a wife who hasn't worked, or worked much during the marriage for a periodof time....I have also been told I am intitled to half of his 401k and any other investments that were created during our marriage..But Idk
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,512 Posts
I have been told in some situations a hubby has to pay alimony to a wife who hasn't worked, or worked much during the marriage for a periodof time....I have also been told I am intitled to half of his 401k and any other investments that were created during our marriage..But Idk
I think there’s usually alimony at least until you get on your feet. You need to get a job TODAY. You need your own money and to take care of yourself so no one can use you like this again.
 
1 - 20 of 40 Posts
Top