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Hi guys, sorry that I have been less active than before in this section but I managed to reduce my anger and despair at a bearable level and don't want to risk to trigger it back.

I spoke about a certain circle of friends that me and my ex wife had. They screwed up big time, in my opinion, and I have the same amount of resentment towards them that I have towards her.
But to be honest, they've been really helpful. Especially with their testimonies, they managed to save me the trouble of being in court.
Not a day passed without one of them trying to call me, text me or email me. The few times I replied back was to tell them to go to hell and never try to reach to me again. But it didn't make them stop and I'm starting to feel that I'm the bad guy here.

I don't know if I'm incorrectly second guessing my decision, but it's hard to remain angry at people that made way more efforts to apologize than the main one at fault.
Some people may consider what they're doing as harrasement, but I really start to feel bad at ignoring all their efforts.

My mind isn't really made up. So I wanted to know what you think about all of this ? Did you have friends that were somehow implicated in the affair and should I give them another chance ?

More details: They're eight. Most of them knew about the affair before I did. Some of them told me that they were seeing it coming as my ex wife would only shut up about the other man when I'm around. And two of them saw my wife kissing a guy briefly before we got married.
But they gave her a hurricane of s*** when she tried to publicly humiliate me and they testified against her which greatly reduced the costs and duration of the trial.
 

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So you are mad they didn't tell you about the affair, their suspicions and the pre-marriage kissing? You have ever right to be upset and cut them off from your life.

This same group defended you when your ex tried to rip you up in public AND testified against her in court saving you money and precious time. They are also continually trying to check in on you and apologize for their poor actions.

It sounds like good people who made a bad mistake, finally realized it and are trying to make amends to a friend they don't want to do without. It is hard to hold that against them.

Do you remember when you found out about your ex wife's affair? How you didn't know what the hell to do? It seems like they didn't either.

I would understand why you would never want to reconnect with them but to hold resentment towards them? There is no point in that. You are also denying yourself closure in this one limited area of your affair.
 

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So you are mad they didn't tell you about the affair, their suspicions and the pre-marriage kissing? You have ever right to be upset and cut them off from your life.

This same group defended you when your ex tried to rip you up in public AND testified against her in court saving you money and precious time. They are also continually trying to check in on you and apologize for their poor actions.

It sounds like good people who made a bad mistake, finally realized it and are trying to make amends to a friend they don't want to do without. It is hard to hold that against them.

Do you remember when you found out about your ex wife's affair? How you didn't know what the hell to do? It seems like they didn't either.

I would understand why you would never want to reconnect with them but to hold resentment towards them? There is no point in that. You are also denying yourself closure in this one limited area of your affair.
:iagree:

Torri

Falene makes some good points here and you would do yourself a lot of good to reconsider these friends on a one by one basis:

what did they know

when did they know it

and how did they help her enable the A and how they helped you in the D
 
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This same group defended you when your ex tried to rip you up in public AND testified against her in court saving you money and precious time. They are also continually trying to check in on you and apologize for their poor actions.

It sounds like good people who made a bad mistake, finally realized it and are trying to make amends to a friend they don't want to do without. It is hard to hold that against them.
:iagree:

Torr,
I our country , Ive seen the same thing happen especially to men. Sometimes in laws know and they say nothing for fear of being ostracized from the social circle , because they were " troublemakers .'

Sometimes people don't like to get involved in the " domestic affairs " of married people,so they just keep their tongue.

In your case I suggest you keep your friends. They made a mistake, maybe because they didn't want to cause you discomfort and pain.
But eventually pain came.
However, " all is well that ends well."
They have redeemed themselves.
 

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Our former circle of friends weren't implicated in the affair, however the xOM was the bff of one of the guys since college...about 20 years. When everything came out and I outed the xOM in a big way, his wife decided to divorce him.

I was blamed by the former friend as the one who broke their marriage up because I exposed to the xOM's wife. I was blamed for her divorcing him. The two bff's happily run together with the rest of the circle. Regret and I dropped them - even after 14 years of being friends.

Again, while they didn't explicitly know during the affair, they all claimed to be un-biased toward either couple. Until I exposed. Oh, well. Don't need friends like that.
 

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Our former circle of friends weren't implicated in the affair, however the xOM was the bff of one of the guys since college...about 20 years. When everything came out and I outed the xOM in a big way, his wife decided to divorce him.

I was blamed by the former friend as the one who broke their marriage up because I exposed to the xOM's wife. I was blamed for her divorcing him. The two bff's happily run together with the rest of the circle. Regret and I dropped them - even after 14 years of being friends.

Again, while they didn't explicitly know during the affair, they all claimed to be un-biased toward either couple. Until I exposed. Oh, well. Don't need friends like that.
SD, so the xOM and his wife did divorce? You did retain some friends after exposure?

Curious, is the friendship as deep, deeper or more superficial now after the affair was outed?
 

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His wife did divorce him. Not only heard about it, but also saw their home sold. I shouldn't feel good about that. But I do.

I don't know what their bff friendship is like except to say only 1 couple stayed friends with us - they're a newer couple to the circle of friends. As for the xOM and bff guy, well...apparently, the xOM stays at their house on the weekends cuz he's got no one else around as friends. Boo f'ng hoo. When I was blamed for the divorce, Regret and I decided pretty quickly that the friends that sided with him were no longer friends. I told Regret I'd like to ask them one question: Who does his wife blame for their divorce?
 

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His wife did divorce him. Not only heard about it, but also saw their home sold. I shouldn't feel good about that. But I do.

I don't know what their bff friendship is like except to say only 1 couple stayed friends with us - they're a newer couple to the circle of friends. As for the xOM and bff guy, well...apparently, the xOM stays at their house on the weekends cuz he's got no one else around as friends. Boo f'ng hoo. When I was blamed for the divorce, Regret and I decided pretty quickly that the friends that sided with him were no longer friends. I told Regret I'd like to ask them one question: Who does his wife blame for their divorce?
Dig, it's pretty effed up when the OM gets no blame in his marriage ending but you, the innocent betrayed , takes the rap for it.

Aren't people just great.
 

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His wife did divorce him. Not only heard about it, but also saw their home sold. I shouldn't feel good about that. But I do.

I don't know what their bff friendship is like except to say only 1 couple stayed friends with us - they're a newer couple to the circle of friends. As for the xOM and bff guy, well...apparently, the xOM stays at their house on the weekends cuz he's got no one else around as friends. Boo f'ng hoo. When I was blamed for the divorce, Regret and I decided pretty quickly that the friends that sided with him were no longer friends. I told Regret I'd like to ask them one question: Who does his wife blame for their divorce?
Sorry for the hijack everyone....

I never really understood how you got blamed for the xOM having an affair with your wife. That is just illogical at best. Was it because you exposed? You should have just kept that little nugget to yourself? /boggled

The OW in my case, moved out of state with her fiance (my husband's best friend and coworker). I hear they are planning on breaking up. For some reason, it brings me no comfort, quite the opposite. He has a daughter that basically had no mother at all and that little girl loved his fiance very much. I am sure it was much of the reason he decided to marry her. I love that little girl and the thought she didn't get the good mom she deserves has always bothered me.
 

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When I was about 19 I want to a gig with my fiancee (now my WW). I met a long standing friend there and saw him with a girl I knew had been cheating on him. I thought he had finished with her because of this.

I took him to one side and told him what had been going on. He didn't speak to me again until after he caught her at it about 6 months later.

I can see why some friends might not want to tell you and I am not sure I would blame them for it.

We all have different circles of friends - some closer than others.

My favourite saying? A friend is a man that would help you move (house). A real friend would help you move...a body. :)
 

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Do you remember when you found out about your ex wife's affair? How you didn't know what the hell to do? It seems like they didn't either.
I gotta say that what you wrote just hit me. I never thought about it like that.
I was so caught up in my anger, that I didn't stop to think this way for a second.

It's out of the question that I would get angry at them if they exposed her to me, or that I wouldn't believe them. We were so close, that I wouldn't think for a second they're making it up. But, still, it's hard for me to admit, but I would be scared to tell me, my ex was cheating on me.

I think, it's time for me to write an email.
 

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Dig, it's pretty effed up when the OM gets no blame in his marriage ending but you, the innocent betrayed , takes the rap for it.

Aren't people just great.
Yes...very effed up indeed. I get blamed and didn't even get laid!! LOL


Sorry for the hijack everyone....

I never really understood how you got blamed for the xOM having an affair with your wife. That is just illogical at best. Was it because you exposed? You should have just kept that little nugget to yourself? /boggled
Illogical is honestly the only way Regret and I feel, too Falene. It WAS because I exposed. THAT is exactly the reason we were given. Basically, I "should have let them deal with it without interfering". Ummmm...she wouldn't have ever known if I didn't tell her! /boggled and /flabbergasted
 

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I gotta say that what you wrote just hit me. I never thought about it like that.
I was so caught up in my anger, that I didn't stop to think this way for a second.

It's out of the question that I would get angry at them if they exposed her to me, or that I wouldn't believe them. We were so close, that I wouldn't think for a second they're making it up. But, still, it's hard for me to admit, but I would be scared to tell me, my ex was cheating on me.

I think, it's time for me to write an email.
I think you are going to make some friends very happy and I know for sure you are going to feel better no matter how the friendships continue into the future.

*hugs*
 

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Sometimes people, even real friends doesn't know how to handle infidelity. I've seen it many times. And i have to admit I once chose to look at the other side and detach from a friend couple to avoid conflict and because honestly didn't know what to do then.

If I recall those friends not only knew (or at least suspected) about your wife's affair but once the sh1t hit the fun they set up you an encounter with her under the guise of a "dinner" to forget the nightmare for a while. I think you are very hurt mostly due that dinner. I even suspect you were probably cooling off and probably woul'd given your wife another chance if not for the set up. A blessing in disguise.

Again I see it as a poor way to manage things that are not easy to manage . But I can understand, being friends to both, they succumbed to your wife's pressure and manipulation. They chose poorly not respecting your wishes but with no malice. They wanted you together again, a couple of the circle in bad shape. They probably now regret it. Since your wife went nuts after that they are trying to make amends. It matters. To me it matters. Forgiving is good for the soul, I believe. Nonw if they are toxic to you well... drop them forever.

Another thing is if they encouraged or covered your wife's scapades.
 
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