Talk About Marriage banner

81 - 99 of 99 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
57 Posts
Discussion Starter #81
The thing is....



The world is getting darker and dirtier by the moment.



Mankind is going backwards and getting closer to our Darwinian relatives, not closer to our Philosophical Aims or Spiritual Prophets.



When you get home, you see none of this.



"Oh, what a relief that is!"



Eh?







THRD-


Thanks, I always appreciate your posts - each one a poetic enigma.

So you're saying this is not a problem.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
11,980 Posts
Thanks, I always appreciate your posts - each one a poetic enigma.

So you're saying this is not a problem.
Thanks, we try.

Everything good seems to arrive as another day's, ways, problem.

This good, need not be viewed as dead wood.

It is a problem because you say it is.

For many here, we see your wife as a blessing.

Yes, blessings can be a tad shy of bliss.

Your wife means well, take that to the grave.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,275 Posts
MM, can try to work on getting your communications with your wife about intimacy and sex better?
You said you tried:
"I brought it up not too long ago and said there wasn't much intimacy - and she thought I was talking about sex and I said no emotional intimacy and she didn't even understand what I meant. And when i ask what do we do together or talk about other than work/kids ... it became "conflict" and she felt attacked and shut down.
"
THIS is a great starting place for you. Talk with her: "Honey, when we spoke about intimacy last time, you got really upset and shut down. I think we need to get better at discussing this stuff, so can you tell me WHY you felt attacked and shut down the conversation? I'd LOVE to be able to talk to you about this stuff, and I think a married couple NEEDS to talk about this stuff without feeling bad, upset, attacked, etc."

Do you think something like that would work? Very calm/low key. DON'T make it about HER not talking, or HER not taking the initiative. Make it about BOTH OF YOU needing to communicate better.

As for talking dirty, there are ANY NUMBER of websites that have "phrases" she can use -- look up a bunch of those and tell her if you read all of these, it will give you a better idea what I like, and maybe YOU would like it too -- it could be fun together to do this".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
653 Posts
Guys,

Imagine you're 21 and you meet a very nice and pretty shy 19 yo lady in college. Early on you learn she:

Is Phi beta
hasn't ever been drunk or high
Hasn't ever had alcohol or coffee
has never stolen or lied
Never swears
Has Never seen porn or even sought it out
Doesn't have any interest or curiosity in any of the above
Is very naive
is a virgin and only ever had one relationship with a man (the height of its physical intimacy was him trying to feel her up and and her lying there confused and pushing his hand away)

Although it might seem religious based - her lifestyle choice behavior is so g rated just because she is so innocently naive and shy and seems embarrassed/turned off by all the vice like things described.


Absolutely ***ZERO*** drama - none whatsoever. Everything is just calmly blissfully PG rated and she is seemingly always agreeable and amenable to whatever messes around and but won't have sex though.

Mutual attraction but would any of the above be a red flag to you?
No. As long as she accepted me for who I am, and I wouldn't expect her to change. The only thing I might be concerned about is that she has a sex drive. As long as she'd be a willing sex partner in marriage, I'd be fine with that. I'd be looking for a good potential wife and mother.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
17,835 Posts
Guys,

Imagine you're 21 and you meet a very nice and pretty shy 19 yo lady in college. Early on you learn she:

Is Phi beta
hasn't ever been drunk or high
Hasn't ever had alcohol or coffee
has never stolen or lied
Never swears
Has Never seen porn or even sought it out
Doesn't have any interest or curiosity in any of the above
Is very naive
is a virgin and only ever had one relationship with a man (the height of its physical intimacy was him trying to feel her up and and her lying there confused and pushing his hand away)

Although it might seem religious based - her lifestyle choice behavior is so g rated just because she is so innocently naive and shy and seems embarrassed/turned off by all the vice like things described.


Absolutely ***ZERO*** drama - none whatsoever. Everything is just calmly blissfully PG rated and she is seemingly always agreeable and amenable to whatever messes around and but won't have sex though.

Mutual attraction but would any of the above be a red flag to you?
Only for those without the same 'constitution'.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
367 Posts
No offense brother, but you sound like dang fool. A pathetic, porn addicted, complaining fool.

You didn’t marry her? Did I read that correctly? You don’t tell her you love her? I’d say she probably doesn’t feel very safe with you. Sounds like all you want is a partner you can recreate your little porn fantasies with. I can imagine that any good woman would shut down....she’s given up on her knight in shining armor- you obviously ain’t it.

Ween yourself off the porn and someday you might see things for how they really are.

Sorry if I’m harsh... porn destroys men- I think you might be the poster boy example of this. Thank you though... I’m going to try and be a better man myself after reading this... I’m more like you than I care to admit (free from porn though).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
635 Posts
There have been some good suggestions here - most seem to suggest being more assertive in the planning.

I guess I'm just venting.. mid-life stuff here.....

The yin/yin thing is the passivity. I saw a thread here where a lady was so fed up that her husband would not step up and take control of her pleasure.. after many times of her telling her what she wants and needs -- she was adamant and demanded oral and whatever else.. I read that and I just thought wow -- there is a lady that can tell her man what she wants and isn't too shy and embarrassed about insisting and demanding her needs are met. That lady wants it and has no problem making it known is really hot.

My wife could never do that --- she could never bring herself to demand something or ask for what she wants. That would be a confrontation -- it is much better to silently pretend everything is just peachy and smile and go along as if it is... The only way I have to test this is to not initiate.. after a few days she will just grab my hand and put on her arm and move it back and forth a bit... so as to say -- ok start massaging me now --- only she will never ever speak the words verbally. Imagine trying to get her to do dirty talk. When I did -- all she would say is I don't know what to say.. I said can you just try? She would only agree to try if literally wrote out a list of phrases and words for her to say. So now -- that is what has happened ever since -- like a broken record. I can't really bring myself to tell her -- the thing that is hot about it is the moaning and stuff and -- suggests the woman it is really into it which is exciting to me, reading a script on defeats the purpose -- cuz I know it is fake... better than silence I guess. Stepfordian perhaps.
I see a lot of use of the word NEVER. She would never do this, or do that. How can you be sure?

The short answer to this situation is "Why should you change? Because YOU are the one who WANTS the change"
She is not going to go from demure etc etc to anal, moaning and dirty talk in one day. This takes TIME. It took YEARS for it to get this way, and could well take a long time for things to turn around.

In the end, though, you need to know that you really did EVERYTHING that you possibly could. You resign yourself too easily in my opinion. This stuff takes HARD work, consistency and I dare say a bit of cocky self assuredness to proceed forward.

I'll relay my story because it's the only one I know.
My husband and I have been married for 28 years, together for 33years. The past TWENTY fricking years have been almost sexless. SEXLESS my friend. Maybe 2-3 times a year! Why did we put up with it? I'll never know for sure since we were freaking animals before the children came along.
THe marriage deteriorated, as is expected. Two years ago both of us began talking divorce. Seriously. I saw lawyers, and so did he. We both wanted out. So much resentment on both sides. No listening. No changing.

Last year due to a couple of issues I decided that someone had to change. And Dr Gottman says its ME that had to change. Cause that's the only person that I could control.
I read a TON. Stopped going to sh*tty marriage sites that told me that my husband was an ass and selfish and should be more like a woman. Started learning. Really learning. Intense reading, videos.
I was ready for a change.
I started approaching my husband for intimacy on a regular basis. When I felt discouraged or falling into old patterns of thinking I corrected myself. I'm in it 100% or I'm OUT.
Guess what? He responded. I was speaking his language. I started expecting things in return, both inside and outside the bedroom.
My point is this. DON'T be a whiner. Don't be a doormat. Don't think emptying the dishwasher is going to get you laid. Explain to your wife that intimacy is important for you to express yourself. Anal etc will have to wait, shelve it for now.
Stop asking her to take the lead. TAKE THE LEAD if this is what you want. Just take it. Don't get discouraged, just fine tune your approach, learn as you go. You don't have to be a beast. Just be your best you. Lead her where you want to go. Don't b*tch about stuff. If you want to hold her hand, just take her hand! With time things will get better. But you cannot drop your guard and start whining for even a second! Oh, you'll fall back, but check yourself and forge ahead.
I'm not sure this helps. I hope something can resonate with you. Stop regretting your life and start LIVING it. NOW. Tomorrow may be too late.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
Me and my wife are close to you guys in age. Back when we met, she was a little wild but still a good girl at heart. We experimented sexually, got trashed together, did some drugs, etc. She had a mouth like a sailor and still does. The bartender at the bar where we met called us Jose and Cuervo lol.

Then, one day she quit smoking. Then, she got into grad school and earned a PhD. Today, she is a responsible, productive member of society. A great wife and mother. She’s still who she always was, just older and more mature today than she was back then.

My point is, the time for experimentation was back in your 20s. If she wasn’t like that back then, nothing is going to change that now. Just my opinion of course. Good luck to you both.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
57 Posts
Discussion Starter #89
No offense brother, but you sound like dang fool. A pathetic, porn addicted, complaining fool.

You didn’t marry her? Did I read that correctly? You don’t tell her you love her? I’d say she probably doesn’t feel very safe with you. Sounds like all you want is a partner you can recreate your little porn fantasies with. I can imagine that any good woman would shut down....she’s given up on her knight in shining armor- you obviously ain’t it.

Ween yourself off the porn and someday you might see things for how they really are.

Sorry if I’m harsh... porn destroys men- I think you might be the poster boy example of this. Thank you though... I’m going to try and be a better man myself after reading this... I’m more like you than I care to admit (free from porn though).
And you might be the poster boy for low reading comprehension, bible thumping trolls. Blocking you Ned Flanders.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
57 Posts
Discussion Starter #90
Me and my wife are close to you guys in age. Back when we met, she was a little wild but still a good girl at heart. We experimented sexually, got trashed together, did some drugs, etc. She had a mouth like a sailor and still does. The bartender at the bar where we met called us Jose and Cuervo lol.

Then, one day she quit smoking. Then, she got into grad school and earned a PhD. Today, she is a responsible, productive member of society. A great wife and mother. She’s still who she always was, just older and more mature today than she was back then.

My point is, the time for experimentation was back in your 20s. If she wasn’t like that back then, nothing is going to change that now. Just my opinion of course. Good luck to you both.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Fair point. It sure ain't happening now! Thx.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
57 Posts
Discussion Starter #91 (Edited)
I see a lot of use of the word NEVER. She would never do this, or do that. How can you be sure?

The short answer to this situation is "Why should you change? Because YOU are the one who WANTS the change"
She is not going to go from demure etc etc to anal, moaning and dirty talk in one day. This takes TIME. It took YEARS for it to get this way, and could well take a long time for things to turn around.

In the end, though, you need to know that you really did EVERYTHING that you possibly could. You resign yourself too easily in my opinion. This stuff takes HARD work, consistency and I dare say a bit of cocky self assuredness to proceed forward.

I'll relay my story because it's the only one I know.
My husband and I have been married for 28 years, together for 33years. The past TWENTY fricking years have been almost sexless. SEXLESS my friend. Maybe 2-3 times a year! Why did we put up with it? I'll never know for sure since we were freaking animals before the children came along.
THe marriage deteriorated, as is expected. Two years ago both of us began talking divorce. Seriously. I saw lawyers, and so did he. We both wanted out. So much resentment on both sides. No listening. No changing.

Last year due to a couple of issues I decided that someone had to change. And Dr Gottman says its ME that had to change. Cause that's the only person that I could control.
I read a TON. Stopped going to sh*tty marriage sites that told me that my husband was an ass and selfish and should be more like a woman. Started learning. Really learning. Intense reading, videos.
I was ready for a change.
I started approaching my husband for intimacy on a regular basis. When I felt discouraged or falling into old patterns of thinking I corrected myself. I'm in it 100% or I'm OUT.
Guess what? He responded. I was speaking his language. I started expecting things in return, both inside and outside the bedroom.
My point is this. DON'T be a whiner. Don't be a doormat. Don't think emptying the dishwasher is going to get you laid. Explain to your wife that intimacy is important for you to express yourself. Anal etc will have to wait, shelve it for now.
Stop asking her to take the lead. TAKE THE LEAD if this is what you want. Just take it. Don't get discouraged, just fine tune your approach, learn as you go. You don't have to be a beast. Just be your best you. Lead her where you want to go. Don't b*tch about stuff. If you want to hold her hand, just take her hand! With time things will get better. But you cannot drop your guard and start whining for even a second! Oh, you'll fall back, but check yourself and forge ahead.
I'm not sure this helps. I hope something can resonate with you. Stop regretting your life and start LIVING it. NOW. Tomorrow may be too late.
Wow. Amazing that you turned it around. Thanks for sharing. Presently I don't have the mindset to pick a path and due to passivity on my part and sever conflict avoidance on hers - it's probably staying status quo for the foreseeable future.


One difference here is that you saw there was a need to change something and started doing work. She is very uncomfortable with conflict and not really able to process or admit problems it's just good enough and let's move on to something else and think about other things. anything that would lead to conflict or difficult conversations makes her very uncomfortable to the point that she shuts down and literally runs away and cries. Glad you fixed yours. But comparatively we are two emotional children :( (Probably moreso me as everyone here will no doubt seize on)

Thanks again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
57 Posts
Discussion Starter #92
MM, can try to work on getting your communications with your wife about intimacy and sex better?
You said you tried:
"I brought it up not too long ago and said there wasn't much intimacy - and she thought I was talking about sex and I said no emotional intimacy and she didn't even understand what I meant. And when i ask what do we do together or talk about other than work/kids ... it became "conflict" and she felt attacked and shut down.
"
THIS is a great starting place for you. Talk with her: "Honey, when we spoke about intimacy last time, you got really upset and shut down. I think we need to get better at discussing this stuff, so can you tell me WHY you felt attacked and shut down the conversation? I'd LOVE to be able to talk to you about this stuff, and I think a married couple NEEDS to talk about this stuff without feeling bad, upset, attacked, etc."

Do you think something like that would work? Very calm/low key. DON'T make it about HER not talking, or HER not taking the initiative. Make it about BOTH OF YOU needing to communicate better.

As for talking dirty, there are ANY NUMBER of websites that have "phrases" she can use -- look up a bunch of those and tell her if you read all of these, it will give you a better idea what I like, and maybe YOU would like it too -- it could be fun together to do this".
It kind of defeats the purpose. When I brought it up initially. She just said she doesn't know how to talk dirty. Please tell me what to say. Ok so now I'm embarrassed but tell her a few phrases. And ever since every time it's the same phrases verbatim in the order. It's a foreign language to her. Imagine a non native English speaker saying "oh yeah, that has much coolness, dude!" in an accent. Like do they really get the vibe? The point is that having to instruct this and explain it works against the whole point.

She identifies as extremely introverted and is even in a few introvert FB groups.

At this point I don't care much about it. Maybe I'll just tell her to please not to feel like she is obligated to do this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,275 Posts
It kind of defeats the purpose. When I brought it up initially. She just said she doesn't know how to talk dirty. Please tell me what to say. Ok so now I'm embarrassed but tell her a few phrases. And ever since every time it's the same phrases verbatim in the order. It's a foreign language to her. Imagine a non native English speaker saying "oh yeah, that has much coolness, dude!" in an accent. Like do they really get the vibe? The point is that having to instruct this and explain it works against the whole point.

She identifies as extremely introverted and is even in a few introvert FB groups.

At this point I don't care much about it. Maybe I'll just tell her to please not to feel like she is obligated to do this.
I don't think it defeats the purpose AT ALL. You, to use your metaphor, expect her to speak the foreign language as if she is a native when she doesn't KNOW the language at all! WORK WITH HER to learn this. The BOTH of you should look at those sites and decide which you like and which you aren't comfortable with. She seems to be willing to TRY, but just doesn't know how. YOU need to help her in that. I bet if you made a concerted effort to do things like this TOGETHER, in a year, you may be amazed how far you get.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
99 Posts
If you know she really loves you then with patience and perserverance youl have a keeper. For a start just make sure shes comfortable and let her know how amazing she is in bed anyway.

Alot of Introverts need constant reassurance to help build confidence. For me as an introvert during most of my life singing was really hard and i found too much attention to my lack of singing didnt help but also not getting any push to sing didnt help either. Its a fine balance that hopefully with patience, observation and the very occaisonal little push will start weakening those barriers.

Maybe she struggles with a feeling of not being good enough when she feels pressure to change. Most introverts dont come out fighting to a challenge they back away.

Maybe try finding something not so intimate which she struggles with a help her overcome that. Success builds confidence.

Just love the woman.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
99 Posts
Just realised your not young.......lol.
Alot of people would be happy to have those problems in a wife. Having been raised conservative and Christian myself i can understand her reluctance to do some of those things. Some of the sexual things you mentioned id imagine are just plain kinky to most people tho.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
577 Posts
Guys,

Imagine you're 21 and you meet a very nice and pretty shy 19 yo lady in college. Early on you learn she:

Is Phi beta
hasn't ever been drunk or high
Hasn't ever had alcohol or coffee
has never stolen or lied
Never swears
Has Never seen porn or even sought it out
Doesn't have any interest or curiosity in any of the above
Is very naive
is a virgin and only ever had one relationship with a man (the height of its physical intimacy was him trying to feel her up and and her lying there confused and pushing his hand away)

Although it might seem religious based - her lifestyle choice behavior is so g rated just because she is so innocently naive and shy and seems embarrassed/turned off by all the vice like things described.


Absolutely ZERO drama - none whatsoever. Everything is just calmly blissfully PG rated and she is seemingly always agreeable and amenable to whatever messes around and but won't have sex though.

Mutual attraction but would any of the above be a red flag to you?
My own story is that I
have never had alcohol, tea, or coffee, coca-cola, or anything with additives or caffeine
never smoked anything
Do not steal
Do not lie deliberately
Definitely do not use swear words ever
Have hobbies
Lost my virginity at age 24, a few months before getting married, Have only ever had sex with this one man.
If I perceive someone is arguing with me I stop talking or change the subject and there is nothing they can do to get me back on the arguing topic. I like only to discuss and never argue.

I have been married for nearly 15 years and I married my first boyfriend and was his first girlfriend together for 9 years before we got married. Our parents were best friends.
I grew up on a farm in a farming community but have changed direction. I studied Science at university (there for 11 years), have worked in USA, Australia, Ghana, Kenya, Tanzania, South Africa, Zimbabwe, Namibia, United Kingdom (where I live) Have three children on adopted.

Can someone explain why this is a red flag.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
Some of the replies are so surprising to me, I am 55, I married my wife in 1988. I could have described her exactly the same way. Over the years I have often heard how people envy our marriage and they ask for advice, more often than not, their problems stem from alcohol, pornography, fights over previous sex partners which tends to lead to a lack of intimacy. Guy, what is fun now really damages your future. Excessive drinking and feeling like crap the next day, having sex just because, dealing with drama, this is NOT happiness. Stop believing that waiting for someone who cares for you and genuinely loves you is a bad thing. I’ve been married to my best friend for over 30 years. So what if she had no experience, she certainly does now and it was with me. We learned about each other. I didn’t need a girl experienced in what some other dude likes and unlike many couples married as long as we have been, we still have a very active intimate relationship. Stop thinking you need sex now with anyone and think long term. I know I sound old fashioned but believe me, I am not. I just found an innocent, naive girl that has given me the greatest life ever and if I had to do it all over again I would wait for her again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Guys,

Imagine you're 21 and you meet a very nice and pretty shy 19 yo lady in college. Early on you learn she:

Is Phi beta
hasn't ever been drunk or high
Hasn't ever had alcohol or coffee
has never stolen or lied
Never swears
Has Never seen porn or even sought it out
Doesn't have any interest or curiosity in any of the above
Is very naive
is a virgin and only ever had one relationship with a man (the height of its physical intimacy was him trying to feel her up and and her lying there confused and pushing his hand away)

Although it might seem religious based - her lifestyle choice behavior is so g rated just because she is so innocently naive and shy and seems embarrassed/turned off by all the vice like things described.


Absolutely ZERO drama - none whatsoever. Everything is just calmly blissfully PG rated and she is seemingly always agreeable and amenable to whatever messes around and but won't have sex though.

Mutual attraction but would any of the above be a red flag to you?
Sounds like a keeper what type of person Would want someone that steals lies watches porn and has a lot of sex sounds like the perfect mother for a child someday She still really young and a lot of guys would kill to be with a virgin give her some time eventually she’s going to want to explore and you’ll be right there ready lol
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
315 Posts
Guys,

Imagine you're 21 and you meet a very nice and pretty shy 19 yo lady in college. Early on you learn she:

Is Phi beta
hasn't ever been drunk or high
Hasn't ever had alcohol or coffee
has never stolen or lied
Never swears
Has Never seen porn or even sought it out
Doesn't have any interest or curiosity in any of the above
Is very naive
is a virgin and only ever had one relationship with a man (the height of its physical intimacy was him trying to feel her up and and her lying there confused and pushing his hand away)

Although it might seem religious based - her lifestyle choice behavior is so g rated just because she is so innocently naive and shy and seems embarrassed/turned off by all the vice like things described.


Absolutely ZERO drama - none whatsoever. Everything is just calmly blissfully PG rated and she is seemingly always agreeable and amenable to whatever messes around and but won't have sex though.

Mutual attraction but would any of the above be a red flag to you?
Red flag?
I do not understand?
Why on Earth would that be a red flag?
Do you mean that you think it is all a front and she is hiding some past life of drugs and prostitution and this is only a mask?
If not then why would any of that be a bad thing.
Walk me through your thought process.


THIS IS 7 MONTHS OLD...
How do these things make it to the front of the feed as if they are brand new.....UGH.
 
81 - 99 of 99 Posts
Top