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My wife and I are recently separated. It has been less than four months. She left me because of an emotional affair I had with a long time friend of mine. We have been trying to work things out between the two of us but it has not been easy.

We have one child together, and infant, of whom we have both expressed our desires to do things right by, and I believe that we both still love each other very much. However I think we are having trouble finding common ground between the two of us on what things should be done, how things should be done, and when things should be done.

During the first part of the separation communication was very low between the two of us. She expressed alot of her needs during that time, but I dropped the ball because I felt equally as hurt because did not at first understand why she had left me. She had accused me of having an affair which made me angry at the time because there had been no sex and no romance and I did not understand how much it had hurt her to not put her first as my wife. I attributed her actions to be the results of her hormones from pregnancy, she was off of her antidepressantss, she was off of her anxiety medication, and off of her migraine medication, as well as everything else that could present complications in utero. At the time I also attributed it to the stress she had from the loss of one of her cats getting hit by a car. As we spoke more I learned more about what she was feeling, I learned about lies that the OW had told to the both of us, and I learned more about how I had made her feel.

We are currently living about 3 1/2 hours apart. I have returned to work and meanwhile she is caring for our child and she is trying to go back to school. Last week was my first week back to work and then I went to stay with her over the weekend. I had a good time with her plus I really missed our baby, however since coming back for a second week of work we have furthered contention between us. She was upset at me because she expected me to take alot of immediate actions to things when I returned home. Today I have my first in-person meeting with my counselor, something she was hoping I would have arranged for last week. I think one of the problems I am having right now is that I do not know how to interpret her signals very well. Often times feel like I get mixed signals from her, and often I feel that if I ask she is getting upset with me for not already just knowing. For example I left her Sunday night and made it home by about 1:30am, took care of the house and then got about 3 hours of sleep before going to work for 13 hours on Monday. I turned my cell phone back on after work and called her and responded to her texts but got no response back. I fell asleep soon after getting home and woke up an hour later to her calling me and we got into an argument over the phone. I decided to drive up to her as I was off work the next day (today) so that we wouldn't be fighting over the phone. About 45 minutes down the highway she calls me back, I pull off the road to talk to her and after another 45 minutes on the phone she tells me to turn around and go home. I turn around and go home, and she then tells me that heading back home was the wrong thing to do, that I abandoned my "heroic" deed too easily.

I consider myself very easy going and very laid back. I have had alot of friends over the years where she has not. She suffers from anxiety attacks, does not have many close friends, but she says that she is co-dependent. I feel stretched by her back and forths. She says she wants me and needs me to do certain things, but then says she needs to live alone and that when I do things for her that it doesn't matter that I've done them because I've done them too late. I am new to forums of any nature, and I don't know if I have a specific question, I think I am just in need of some advice. I want to move forward but she says she is done with 50/50 and wants me to do 100% of the effort. How do I suppress my own hurt so that I can 100% for her? How do I know what heroics I should be doing? I'm afraid that what we are going through will take alot more time to heal. I imagine even if one of us won the lottery our problems wouldn't just go away. However I feel like she wants everything yesterday. When I do put myself out there or reach deeper and deeper into myself to share my feelings I keep feeling like she's putting me down; that I cannot deserve to feel a certain way or act a certain way because of how badly I hurt her and how she is still suffering. I have always been social however I feel like I am becoming more and more codependent on the inside for her. I'm afraid to put myself out there because I'm afraid that no mater what I choose she seems to be trying to break herself of her codependency for me and she will still hate me in the end and I would have done all for nothing.
 

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Hi,

It sounds like you are both going through an awful time.

I don't think this can work with you 3 1/2 hours apart from each other.

It's too easy for misunderstandings to develop and then resentment to set in.

You haven't had a PA and it sounds like you are trying your best. A relationship can only work if you're both willing to buy into it.

Your wife sounds very angry and resentful - which is understandable - but I fear you will end up torturing both of you if you don't stand your ground and insist on moving back in or calling it off.

One caveat: my advice is usually wrong :)
 

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Okay, you need to tell us about your EA. I'll be honest, your wife sounds a little......unstable. I really think there's issues happening from both sides and long term what you are doing can't maintain. Something will have to give.
 

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While semantics, I also think this isn't a emotional affair like she was advised in that thread. It is prioritizing someone else above your SO.
I completely disagree with this. It's an EA, a years long one. That he put OW above her BW is an understanding. That he gave a sh1t about BW is also an understanding... but well you can always put it on anxiety attacks, depression, needyness, pregnancy hormones... what ever fit the moment.

Now, while the marriage is hanging by a thread, when his wife was so sick of this she had to move away to give birth, when he's being given ultimatum after ultimatum... now, when he realizes he's wife is about to file finnaly got his first IC appointment. Then he believes she want thingd yesterday. How much time did she ask you what she needed from you?

OP can you explain why do you stated think you had an EA? I don't believe you agree with this.

That she's fighting codependence is not only good for her but for you... unless you don't want an healthy, equal partner.
 

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I completely disagree with this. It's an EA, a years long one. That he put OW above her BW is an understanding. That he gave a sh1t about BW is also an understanding... but well you an always put it on anxiety attacks, depression, needyness, pregnancy hormones... what ever fit the moment.

Now, while the marriage is hanging by a thread, when his wife was so sick of this she had to move away to give birth, when he's being given ultimatum after ultimatum... now, when he realizes he's wife is about to file finnaly got his first IC appointment.

OP can you explain why do you stated think you had an EA?
Would you say the same if the OW was a guy? She was an old friend, someone he was friends with even before he met his wife. I did feel it wasn't romantic at all, though the friendship was damaging to his marriage.... But this is going to be threadjack so I will stop.
 

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Would you say the same if the OW was a guy? She was an old friend, someone he was friends with even before he met his wife. I did feel it wasn't romantic at all, though the friendship was damaging to his marriage.... But this is going to be threadjack so I will stop.
Let's agree in wich we disagree. We certainly would threadjack this.

crimsonbling,
My wife and I are recently separated. It has been less than four months. She left me because of an emotional affair I had with a long time friend of mine. We have been trying to work things out between the two of us but it has not been easy.
Before the separation how many times she expressed concern about yout relationship with OW. For how long? How many fights ensued due this? Did you take some action before she had enough and left?
During the first part of the separation communication was very low between the two of us. She expressed alot of her needs during that time, but I dropped the ball because...
So, after so much warnings you you still found more things to atribute this extreme behavior. You were a victim. I bolded the paert in wich she expressed her needs. You were not unaware, you simply dismissed them. Once more time.
Last week.... She was upset at me because she expected me to take alot of immediate actions to things when I returned home.
So after months and months of warnings she finnaly leaves and for four months more you kept giving crap about her expressed needs. How can you name them now "immediate"? Hardly. She was asking for you to "get it", to see beyond tour needs, some actions for months and months, way before the pregnancy and even while separated.
I see the way you see it. Outrage, you were unfairly abandoned by you hormonal wife out of the blue, for no reason really. Unfathomable. You were the victim here. At the end, for the sake of your child you caved in but in reality she's the one who owns you an apology, making amends, some effort. How dare she to ask you to read books, go to IC, force you to admit what you didn't...?
You have been living the single life for so long, no boundaries at all with this OW, no care about her feelings, now you seem to understand, just a little, what you put her through... finnaly, but you still drag your feet.
And you wonder about the mixed signals?
And you wonder why she keep asking you for some actions which show you care?
And you wonder why she's fighting codependency?
You just started understanding but she's into this for years.
 
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