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I'm sure I'm not the 1st person to bring this up and I certainly won't be the last...but hey, it's a classic for a reason, right?

When we moved in together 4 years ago, my wife and I were both pretty messy people. I made a hardcore effort to change this, she went the opposite route and became much worse. She will pile stuff into a trashcan until it's overflowing (and never empty the trash), she leaves used tissues everywhere she comes home and throws grocery bags and her purse down in the middle of the floor where they will stay indefinitely, she leaves food and dishes out everywhere, she leaves computers, our guitars, everything out. It's really, really bad.

Here's the thing though. I don't really mind cleaning up after here. At worst, it's a mild annoyance. We talked about several times, she said she would try to be better about it, but nothing happened. I could live with that. The real problems began when she got angry at me for putting things away in the wrong place(i.e., he high heels in the section with her sneakers, not the high heel section of the shoe closet. These being shoes that had been sitting in the middle of the living room for days!) and then got angry because I would put stuff away when she "had it out for a reason" (the most recent example out of literally dozens of examples of this was a large empty box that had been sitting in our bedroom for, literally, a week). It became clear that every time I cleaned, I was putting away her shoes that had been out for two weeks that she planned to wear tomorrow, or a recipe book that had been sitting on the counter for four days contained a recipe she was going to use that night (I didn't delve into the subject of why it would be any more difficult to get the book from the bookshelf!).

So here's my dilemma, I don't want to live in a dirty house, but my wife basically gets angry when I clean. I'm at my wit's end and I've found that over the past several weeks I'm pretty much mad at her all the time. I simply stopped cleaning up after her because of the above reasons. After 3 days of not cleaning, the apartment absolutely is filthy. There is trash on the floor, plastic bags here and there, she spilled a bunch of beads on the floor and didn't sweep them up... Every other aspect of our marriage seems to be going very well, but I am completely out of ideas for how to deal with this.

So, spring forth anonymous internet posters and solve my life problems!
 

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Set a timetable everyday 60 mins for everyone to clean up the mess together. No complaints.
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Tried it! Tried the "house is clean before we go bed" routine. Either 1. She is way too busy or tired but it'll work tomorrow or 2. She starts to clean then tried one clothes for the next two hours instead.

Seriously, a fabulous, amazing, extremely put together woman in every other aspect of her life!
 

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OK - this is how I would handle it. I would sit her down "nicely" and ask her a question. Would she be ok if you texted photos of your place to friends and family BEFORE you clean it?

The reason that matters is you need to understand if she grasps how dysfunctional her behavior is. Be prepared for her to "bluff" and tell you to do what you want. Which is a deliberate "non-answer". And be ready to calmly say "unless you acknowledge there is a problem living like that I am not only going to text them I plan to ask if they would be ok living like that". If she digs in - take the photos, send them out - ask the question and then call her family to find out if there is a family history of mental illness/hoarding behavior.

If however she acknowledges the problem, explain that you are willing to take on the role of cleaner and more than happy to gradually learn where to put stuff - in the meantime she can simply thank you for stepping up and doing something she hates.

In the meantime read up on hoarding and see what the pros recommend. I am just a well intentioned guy on the internet married to a very neat/clean woman....

I do think you will find that like any mental issue the first step is ALWAYS acknowledging the problem. A therapist may help - they may ALSO put her on OCD meds that kill her sex drive. Be careful.

Tried it! Tried the "house is clean before we go bed" routine. Either 1. She is way too busy or tired but it'll work tomorrow or 2. She starts to clean then tried one clothes for the next two hours instead.

Seriously, a fabulous, amazing, extremely put together woman in every other aspect of her life!
 

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I lover her, but my daughter is a complete slob when it comes to the house. Her and her husband have the same problem.

The way they solved it is they set aside every other Saturday and they BOTH CLEAN. No excuses, no other activities. He doesn't let her get away with trying on clothes or saying she's tired, etc. This has worked for them, she is still a slob - but at least the house is clean every other week. Now she is a fabulous cook and cooks everyday so he said that helps.

How old is she? My daughter will be 25 soon and she said she's starting to notice that it bothers her when the house is dirty when it used to be no big deal before. If I were honest, I was kind of a slob until I was about 21 or 22 myself and then the light went on.

So - either make a commitment to clean every other Saturday or Sunday and no excuses or continue picking up after her. Or...leave the house really dirty and invite some of her friends or family over - the embarrassment just might solve your problem!
 

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Don't understand you.

I posted in another thread that I clean up and cook and make my husband very happy. You were suspicious if I have a happy marriage or not. And you told me that if you were a woman, you wouldn't want to be like me.

Here you are telling everyone that your wife is messy and your are frustrated. So do you want a woman who is organized or not?

Normally I am not cut and nasty, but I have no sympathy for you!
 
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