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And how does your betrayed husband and his (the AP's) wife feature in all this sordid debauchery or are they just pieces of human trash that two immoral degenerates can walk all over and use and abuse because they are such trusting fools?

Tell your husband about this affair, give him the agency to decide if he wants you in his life and while you're at it tell AP's wife too, she needs her agency as well. At least this way you can find some redemption before you face the infernal portals one day.
Amen from the choir. You have a problem. You need to confess to your husband and as @Dictum Veritas said let him make the decision. Your husband deserves far better than you, and I am being blunt and as kind as I can be.

You really need to get I to counseling ASAP and fix yourself.
 

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@Mamina, I'm not going to go into all the reasons why you need to end this toxic relationship, all the reasons why have been eloquently posted here already.
What I am going to tell you what you need to do first and foremost. You are addicted to this man, as addicted as someone on crack cocaine. The only way to end it is to go cold turkey. Block him completely. No explanation, no goodbyes, simply purge him from every avenue he has to contact you. Then you tell your husband, you tell your family, you tell his family, your co-workers, the neighbors, even the mail carrier. The more people you confess to, the harder it will be to go back and the easier it will be to maintain no contact with him. Shame is a powerful motivating force to change behavior. You already feel it on the inside, that is what's pushing you to do what you know you need to do. But as long as you are still in contact with him you are like an alcoholic trying to quit while hanging around drinking buddies at the bar. It doesn't work.
You can do this. You have to do this.
 

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I've met the MM two years ago during my clinical rotation. He was attractive and charming, but didn't have my full attention until I noticed he was trying harder than anyone else to get to know me. He was also very helpful which made the whole experience much easier.
We both were married with small kids and he was almost 10 years younger. I didn't think much of it except having a crush on him. At that time, I wasn't at the best place in my life. I felt stuck in my marriage for over a decade and after our baby arrived I thought things would get better. They were but very shortly. As our child got older, everything ugly resurfaced back. Except, now there is a little innocent child watching her parents argue and often saying " stop fighting!!"
Long story short - MM and I stayed in touch ever since I finished my school work. We would text, snap daily. At the begging, he would text non stop. Then a little less, then almost nothing. Most of the time he would send at least a picture or a text a day. This hot and cold periods were driving me crazy not knowing why it was happening. Now, two years later I can see it being a pattern. Something that shouldn't surprise me anymore and yet, it hurts more and more each time. He can go days being so interested just to get cold afterwards.
Anyway...our affair became physical six months later. The way things felt with him were so exciting but for me it was kissing and hugging that kept me coming back for more despite the pain of crumbs in between.
After about a year, he told me his wife wanted another child and he felt guilty for doing things with me. He didn't want to stop talking though. I know this was my sign to let him go and do what's right, but I couldn't imagine life without hearing from him. We kept chatting and sending pictures for about a month when things turned physical again. He would go through feeling guilty each time we saw each other which was painful because I felt used and confused. The same when the baby was born. He distanced himself for some time but kept talking. And I was too weak to let it go.
Looking back, I made so many mistakes and changed who I was before him. Before him - I've never send any revealing pictures or inappropriate video of myself. He kepts asking and after while I gave in. Suddenly this became a norm. Before him, I found disgusting to see a pic of man's privates but he slowly eased me into liking it.
I never liked rough sex or gentle pushing on throat, but he made it to look so normal.
If I'm honest with myself, I feel like I lost myself in this affair. My values and boundaries are more than questionable now. Last time I saw MM was a month ago. He gave me 15 minutes of his life and on my way home I cried like a baby. I cried all evening because I felt so cheap and used. I was disappointed to get such short time after weeks of not seeing him. He got what he wanted in short 15 seconds and I got kisses that I missed. There was little to no cuddling as before.
I can't shake of the feeling of cheap or feeling like a toy. He keeps saying he cares for me and would see me often if he could. He still texts and snaps but goes from hot to freezing. I feel badly confused with his inconsistent behavior because I like and care for him consistently. This is becoming increasingly painful experience and yet, I'm not able to let go. Part of me keeps saying I can't do this anymore, but the other part does absolutely nothing. Just the same thing over and over and expecting different results. How do I find a strength to end it when I have feelings for him?
Does it help you disconnect if you ponder how many side pieces (like yourself) your AP has?
 
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Discussion Starter · #24 ·
"I cried all evening because I felt cheap and used".

I wonder how your husband and this OM wife would feel if they knew?

What it would do to both of them if they read your post.

The sad thing is you cried for yourself NOT your husband.
Yes, it was selfish of me to cry because of the pain I brought onto myself. I was not thinking of my husband. We have been disconnected for so long that I simply didn't think of him. I feel very little emotional connection to him. I have been with him since I was 17 and we went through some physical and often emotional abuse. Things got better after MC before our daughter was born but part of me never came back. I lost feelings for him. Now I don't even know what I feel for him. I know, I should leave instead of cheating.
It's going to be hard to let go if you have no fear of losing what you have. Fear of loss of husband, family, reputation, self-dignity and respect is what's powerful enough to reverse the course of many unfaithful. If you have little to no fear or do not value the aforementioned, then the benefits of your affair are viewed as being greater than the potential costs.

However, if you fear these virtues, then the next question is, do you fear them enough? You don't even have to be remorseful at this point. You just have to fear what's potentially lost. If you are ok and can live without your afterthought of a husband, then you will continue.

If you do not fear your children living in a unloving environment then you will continue. If you do not fear the loss of self dignity and respect then you will justify your actions despite costs. . If a complete loss of normalcy in your life is worth losing, then again you have no meaningful motivation to discontinue.

Your values are at the core of your decision. Your actions will define who you are. At this point, you are valuing your lover over your husband, family, self respect and dignity. You are also valuing your personal gratification over the well being of his wife and family. If you have not given these virtues proper acknowledgement, now is the time.

If you have and disregard them, you are who you are.

The costs of infidelity is much broader, deeper and devastating than what it appears to be on its surface. Your infatuation with him will be the self scorn that will never go away when you escape the fog you are firmly entrenched in. When daylight falls upon you, you will scan the collateral damage and metaphorically it will be akin to a Ukraine resident returning home and seeing it no longer exists.
There is fear all over the place in my mind. I do fear of losing my family the most, especially my daughter. She is still little and she deserves a mom that behaves better.
Yesterday as I was giving her bath and checking my phone because he was not responding for hours, she was trying so hard to get my attention ever few minutes. I feel ashamed for that. If there is someone that isn't more important than MM then it is my daughter and I will focus on that fact from now on. My mind has been mess for so long now. I need to be more present. I fear loss of reputation and respect. I fear to a certain degree of hurting my husband. No matter how he treated my in past and present, he doesn't deserve this.
 

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Yes, it was selfish of me to cry because of the pain I brought onto myself. I was not thinking of my husband. We have been disconnected for so long that I simply didn't think of him. I feel very little emotional connection to him. I have been with him since I was 17 and we went through some physical and often emotional abuse. Things got better after MC before our daughter was born but part of me never came back. I lost feelings for him. Now I don't even know what I feel for him. I know, I should leave instead of cheating.


There is fear all over the place in my mind. I do fear of losing my family the most, especially my daughter. She is still little and she deserves a mom that behaves better.
Yesterday as I was giving her bath and checking my phone because he was not responding for hours, she was trying so hard to get my attention ever few minutes. I feel ashamed for that. If there is someone that isn't more important than MM then it is my daughter and I will focus on that fact from now on. My mind has been mess for so long now. I need to be more present. I fear loss of reputation and respect. I fear to a certain degree of hurting my husband. No matter how he treated my in past and present, he doesn't deserve this.
You really can get past this if you want to. You’re stronger than you know. Block this guy, go no contact and share it with your husband. No matter what happens, you might end up feeling relieved that you’re not living a lie anymore.
 

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Everyday life presents choices - you make 'em regardless
thing is - is your choice good or appropriate or not

You have a choice staring you in your face:
Confess to your husband and deal with the fallout
or
Spend every day wondering if husband will find out by some other vector.
It could be years, even decades later for your cheating to come to light.

Long term you will find life more comfortable by 'fessing up now.

Then you can live the rest of your life without the lies
 

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Discussion Starter · #28 ·
Thank you everyone for your advices and insights. I want to reply most of posts individually but for a right now I must say that reading through it all feels like a virtual slap that I needed. It hurts but it also helps me to see the other side of what's happening. As someone already mentioned - I do see MM as a good guy and that's why I'm having such hard time to believe otherwise. For me, it isn't about pure sex, it is a out emotional connection I feel with him. I do want to think more about people we are hurting and I do want to sober out. This is no longer joy. It's more pain over and over again. I'm also seeing a therapist for months now. So far I didn't make any progress.
 

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Thank you everyone for your advices and insights. I want to reply most of posts individually but for a right now I must say that reading through it all feels like a virtual slap that I needed. It hurts but it also helps me to see the other side of what's happening. As someone already mentioned - I do see MM as a good guy and that's why I'm having such hard time to believe otherwise. For me, it isn't about pure sex, it is a out emotional connection I feel with him. I do want to think more about people we are hurting and I do want to sober out. This is no longer joy. It's more pain over and over again. I'm also seeing a therapist for months now. So far I didn't make any progress.
What makes him a good guy? And how do those qualities outweigh the fact that he is cheating on his wife while trying to get her pregnant, is destroying his family, and is using you as a free prostitute?

If you have been seeing a therapist for "months" and haven't made any progress, then either you are sitting there twiddling your thumbs or you need a new therapist.
 

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Yes, it was selfish of me to cry because of the pain I brought onto myself. I was not thinking of my husband. We have been disconnected for so long that I simply didn't think of him. I feel very little emotional connection to him. I have been with him since I was 17 and we went through some physical and often emotional abuse. Things got better after MC before our daughter was born but part of me never came back. I lost feelings for him. Now I don't even know what I feel for him. I know, I should leave instead of cheating.


There is fear all over the place in my mind. I do fear of losing my family the most, especially my daughter. She is still little and she deserves a mom that behaves better.
Yesterday as I was giving her bath and checking my phone because he was not responding for hours, she was trying so hard to get my attention ever few minutes. I feel ashamed for that. If there is someone that isn't more important than MM then it is my daughter and I will focus on that fact from now on. My mind has been mess for so long now. I need to be more present. I fear loss of reputation and respect. I fear to a certain degree of hurting my husband. No matter how he treated my in past and present, he doesn't deserve this.
To be fair, what you are feeling many have described as addictive behavior. Some can break it before being discovered. Others will break free of the addiction only after being discovered. Some can't break it at all. The three options I just listed are in order of best to worst case scenario. I appreciate you sharing the special moments of your daughter's bath time. AP shouldn't even be an afterthought during this time, but I think you know this already.

My concern is you do recognize the danger and pitifulness of your mind being with your AP and not your daughter, but that hasn't altered your addiction to a man that quite frankly may be relieved if the affair stopped. It happened to me before. My fear is a significant event may be required to break you of your addiction. I've been where you are. I had an AP while being a boyfriend to a very underserving young woman. I was a POS in every sense of the word.

My moment of truth arrived when my AP fell in love and wanted me to herself, hence was prepared to contact my girlfriend about us. Game over. I told my girlfriend before AP had an opportunity. My AP then attempted suicide. The prospect of me playing a role of another person taking their life was the "significant event" needed for me wake up. Morality didn't do it, the suicide attempt did. I was in my early 20's, inexperienced and immature.

I thought my AP was in it for sex like me. Initially she was, but she got emotionally connected and that's where you are. I was scared straight and instinctively implemented a reset of sorts. It started with staying home and watching boring TV shows with my parents.

I began to embrace simple things in life because I came this close to my life blowing up, literally. I was so deep into the affair, I'd lost myself and everything I stood for. It was the only time in my life my mom intimated I became something I shouldn't have been, and she didn't even know about the suicide attempt. She could just tell I was living a morally corrupt life.

The grenade thrown at my feet didn't detonate. God's grace spared me. Me and AP were sexually addicted to one another. Sex took up 75% of the time we were together and the remaining 25% was travel time to and from the location. It took near tragedy for me to awaken from the addiction. I quickly became unadducted because the pain from a life I almost experienced greatly exceeded the physical gratification I received from non-stop, on demand sex.

I'm hoping you can begin to clearly see where this is headed and where you may be lead to and the finality of where you may end up. Worst case scenario is you lose everything. Best case scenario is you remove AP from your life because your daughter is too precious to allow the very person capable of compromising the agency you have over your daughter. You can control your situation at the moment, but if discovered, you lose control.

Lastly, and it's not what you want to hear but to free yourself from your AP and the fraud of a marriage your husband is in without knowing it, confession is the only way to proceed living authentically. Before you can reconcile with your husband and family (if that is what you wish to do) you will need to reconcile with yourself. Then reconcile your life. It starts with you and builds from there.
 

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I've read so many posts where people say it isn't up to OW to say about affair to MM's wife. It should come from him.
I may come off harsh because I intend to be, I don't want you to find any validation in your actions because none of them should be validated, from this point forward you need to take actions that better the life of yourself, your husband, and your child.

What you need to do first, is to confess what you've done to your husband, as others have mentioned here. He deserves to know that he was betrayed, and by confessing you allow the possibility of an amicable co-parenting situation.

Second, you need to divorce your husband amicably, as neither of you are happy with one-another and seem to be stuck in a sense of ongoing procrastination regarding the health of your marriage or the end of it. Neither are taking steps to actively fix the marriage, and with your actions now, that likely won't become the case. As such you need to end the marriage to allow yourselves to find another path to walk.

Regardless of all this, your child should be your focus regarding this situation... They don't deserve to be in a household where the parents hate one-another... It's better to live in two households amicably than one household with strife. You're teaching them now, what they should do when they get married, that they should fight with their spouse, or even possibly cheat. You're teaching them now that instead of working on your communication, they needs to yell to get their point across, possibly even escalating to domestic violence. Good parenting isn't just counted when you do the good and fun things with them, it's the things you do when you don't think they're watching... And neither of you are being good parents despite what you think.
 

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Wow…so as you said you’ve been ignoring your child as well…so not only are you a terrible wife for cheating on your husband, countless times with absolutely no regard for how he’s going to feel mentally or for what you could pass on to him physically. You’re a terrible mother, because as you noted, your daughter was trying so hard to get your attention but you just didn’t care because you were so focused on this other guy. You’re scared to lose your family? You did this, you quite literally caused this. Your daughter is watching her parents fight over and over again, as you said. You’re teaching your child that this is normal and that these types of relationships are at the very least good to a certain extent. You are poisoning your child’s mind. What would you tell your daughter if she started to cheat on her husband because: “She doesn’t feel anything for her husband/wife?” What would you tell your daughter if she found out that she was being cheated on and constantly being ridiculed by her spouse? Because as of right now, neither you, nor your husband, are a good example for your child. Your marriage and your household is Trauma Central for your child. You two need to separate because clearly, Marriage Counseling didn’t work. You may say it did, but your actions clearly shows that it hasn’t, and you will continue to mess up your kid.
 

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I've read so many posts where people say it isn't up to OW to say about affair to MM's wife. It should come from him.
B.S. YOU NEED TO TELL HIS WIFE. You knew all along he was married. You've Put HIS WIFES HEALTH AT RISK as well as YOUR HUSBANDS.

Tell your husband what you have done, then tell the OM Wife. THIS WILL SHOW YOUR HUSBAND YOU REGRET WHAT YOU HAVE DONE. It will also PROVE that you are NOT PROTECTING THE OM.

By YOU NOT TELLING OM Wife, you are protecting him.

PS: IF you tell his wife, I guarantee you that relationship you have with OM WILL END. Whether or not you block him or not. You are protecting the OM and you are hanging onto this affair if YOU DO NOT TELL OM WIFE. You want to start fixing the situation, tell OM wife and tell your husband.
 

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@Mamina

just so I understand

  • you let a guy come inside you for years behind your husband back
  • you call your husband abuser while you are cheating behind his back and breaking two families
  • you call your husband an abuser while you are abusing him and your boyfriend's wife
  • you are abusing your own child by spending time thinking about your boyfriend
  • you are abusing your family by risking and exposing them to STDs

you are not worried about breaking your family or your kids, you are just worried about your own comfort.

I feel sorry for your husband and I feel sorry for the other woman. one day Karma will catch up to you

the least you could do and for the sake of 20+ years relation you had with you husband is telling him the truth. trust me, he will find out one day and he better finds out sooner from you rather than later

if your boyfriend can cheat on his own wife, even after having a baby with her, doesn't that tell you everything about him? he even might have another girlfriend on the side and is using both.
 

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I've read so many posts where people say it isn't up to OW to say about affair to MM's wife. It should come from him.
If you saw someone being mugged, would you call the police? Or figure it wasn't your job? You are also the perpetrator in this scenario, but if you felt remorse at all for what you've helped do to another human being, you wouldn't be asking whose job it is to tell the other spouse.
 

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Are your kids even your husbands or are they really the OM?

Edit: Years ago I gave my EX-W a choice, either she tells the OBS or I would. If I told her, we were 100% getting a divorce as she was protecting the OM. Guess what, she's a EX for a reason, she didn't want to tell OBS because it would hurt OM. YUP! Thats right, if your not willing to tell OBS, your protecting the OM and you care for his feelings over your own family. Actions say more than words. So what is it going to be?
 

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I've read so many posts where people say it isn't up to OW to say about affair to MM's wife. It should come from him.
Actually, you can kill two birds with one stone. Tell your husband and let him tell the other betrayed spouse. I would have to ask you something Mamina. What kind of person takes a break from an affair with a married man so that he can have a baby with his wife only to pick up where you left off after the child was born? Where was your conscience?
 

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Are your kids even your husbands or are they really the OM?

Edit: Years ago I gave my EX-W a choice, either she tells the OBS or I would. If I told her, we were 100% getting a divorce as she was protecting the OM. Guess what, she's a EX for a reason, she didn't want to tell OBS because it would hurt OM. YUP! Thats right, if your not willing to tell OBS, your protecting the OM and you care for his feelings over your own family. Actions say more than words. So what is it going to be?
I think it’s more that she knows the OM will drop her completely if she does anything to make his life difficult. The crumbs that she has now are dwindling… they will stop completely if she rats him out. I have a feeling he will ghost her soon anyway. He‘s growing bored.
 

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I think it’s more that she knows the OM will drop her completely if she does anything to make his life difficult. The crumbs that she has now are dwindling… they will stop completely if she rats him out. I have a feeling he will ghost her soon anyway. He‘s growing bored.
She knows 100% if she tells his wife, she'll never EVER hear from him again. She values the OM much more than her husband or her children. She'd rather keep cheating on them, rather than hurt her OM.

I gave my ex-wife the choice, tell his wife or get divorce papers today. She elected to get divorce papers today. (She didn't know I had a bunch of photos, emails, etc all stored for her OM Wife to receive. She begged me not to give OBS because it would destroy him and his family. What about MY FAMILY she destroyed with him. Needless to say, I talked to OBS and gave her everything that I had, which OBS then filed for divorce. My EX-W Blamed me for destroying OM marriage, blamed me for destroying her relationship with OM (He dropped her immediately when his wife knew) and how childish I was for exposing everything to everyone. By the way, the OM's Wife thanked me for telling her. She really appreciated what I had done and said if she discovered the affair, she would have told me.

I seriously doubt the original poster will tell the OBS or her Husband. Give it time, she'll be caught and everyone will know. I'm also willing to bet there's a chance that the children could be the OM's.
 
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