Talk About Marriage banner
1 - 20 of 56 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've met the MM two years ago during my clinical rotation. He was attractive and charming, but didn't have my full attention until I noticed he was trying harder than anyone else to get to know me. He was also very helpful which made the whole experience much easier.
We both were married with small kids and he was almost 10 years younger. I didn't think much of it except having a crush on him. At that time, I wasn't at the best place in my life. I felt stuck in my marriage for over a decade and after our baby arrived I thought things would get better. They were but very shortly. As our child got older, everything ugly resurfaced back. Except, now there is a little innocent child watching her parents argue and often saying " stop fighting!!"
Long story short - MM and I stayed in touch ever since I finished my school work. We would text, snap daily. At the begging, he would text non stop. Then a little less, then almost nothing. Most of the time he would send at least a picture or a text a day. This hot and cold periods were driving me crazy not knowing why it was happening. Now, two years later I can see it being a pattern. Something that shouldn't surprise me anymore and yet, it hurts more and more each time. He can go days being so interested just to get cold afterwards.
Anyway...our affair became physical six months later. The way things felt with him were so exciting but for me it was kissing and hugging that kept me coming back for more despite the pain of crumbs in between.
After about a year, he told me his wife wanted another child and he felt guilty for doing things with me. He didn't want to stop talking though. I know this was my sign to let him go and do what's right, but I couldn't imagine life without hearing from him. We kept chatting and sending pictures for about a month when things turned physical again. He would go through feeling guilty each time we saw each other which was painful because I felt used and confused. The same when the baby was born. He distanced himself for some time but kept talking. And I was too weak to let it go.
Looking back, I made so many mistakes and changed who I was before him. Before him - I've never send any revealing pictures or inappropriate video of myself. He kepts asking and after while I gave in. Suddenly this became a norm. Before him, I found disgusting to see a pic of man's privates but he slowly eased me into liking it.
I never liked rough sex or gentle pushing on throat, but he made it to look so normal.
If I'm honest with myself, I feel like I lost myself in this affair. My values and boundaries are more than questionable now. Last time I saw MM was a month ago. He gave me 15 minutes of his life and on my way home I cried like a baby. I cried all evening because I felt so cheap and used. I was disappointed to get such short time after weeks of not seeing him. He got what he wanted in short 15 seconds and I got kisses that I missed. There was little to no cuddling as before.
I can't shake of the feeling of cheap or feeling like a toy. He keeps saying he cares for me and would see me often if he could. He still texts and snaps but goes from hot to freezing. I feel badly confused with his inconsistent behavior because I like and care for him consistently. This is becoming increasingly painful experience and yet, I'm not able to let go. Part of me keeps saying I can't do this anymore, but the other part does absolutely nothing. Just the same thing over and over and expecting different results. How do I find a strength to end it when I have feelings for him?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,450 Posts
And how does your betrayed husband and his (the AP's) wife feature in all this sordid debauchery or are they just pieces of human trash that two immoral degenerates can walk all over and use and abuse because they are such trusting fools?

Tell your husband about this affair, give him the agency to decide if he wants you in his life and while you're at it tell AP's wife too, she needs her agency as well. At least this way you can find some redemption before you face the infernal portals one day.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,397 Posts
How do I find a strength to end it when I have feelings for him?
You may never have the strength, but just end it anyway. Because it’s the right thing to do.

And there’s a very good saying “if he/she will do it with you, they’ll do it to you, someday.” I believe there’s truth in that. Nothing good comes from lying, sneaking around and ultimately, deception.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
12,089 Posts
I've met the MM two years ago during my clinical rotation. He was attractive and charming, but didn't have my full attention until I noticed he was trying harder than anyone else to get to know me. He was also very helpful which made the whole experience much easier.
We both were married with small kids and he was almost 10 years younger. I didn't think much of it except having a crush on him. At that time, I wasn't at the best place in my life. I felt stuck in my marriage for over a decade and after our baby arrived I thought things would get better. They were but very shortly. As our child got older, everything ugly resurfaced back. Except, now there is a little innocent child watching her parents argue and often saying " stop fighting!!"
Long story short - MM and I stayed in touch ever since I finished my school work. We would text, snap daily. At the begging, he would text non stop. Then a little less, then almost nothing. Most of the time he would send at least a picture or a text a day. This hot and cold periods were driving me crazy not knowing why it was happening. Now, two years later I can see it being a pattern. Something that shouldn't surprise me anymore and yet, it hurts more and more each time. He can go days being so interested just to get cold afterwards.
Anyway...our affair became physical six months later. The way things felt with him were so exciting but for me it was kissing and hugging that kept me coming back for more despite the pain of crumbs in between.
After about a year, he told me his wife wanted another child and he felt guilty for doing things with me. He didn't want to stop talking though. I know this was my sign to let him go and do what's right, but I couldn't imagine life without hearing from him. We kept chatting and sending pictures for about a month when things turned physical again. He would go through feeling guilty each time we saw each other which was painful because I felt used and confused. The same when the baby was born. He distanced himself for some time but kept talking. And I was too weak to let it go.
Looking back, I made so many mistakes and changed who I was before him. Before him - I've never send any revealing pictures or inappropriate video of myself. He kepts asking and after while I gave in. Suddenly this became a norm. Before him, I found disgusting to see a pic of man's privates but he slowly eased me into liking it.
I never liked rough sex or gentle pushing on throat, but he made it to look so normal.
If I'm honest with myself, I feel like I lost myself in this affair. My values and boundaries are more than questionable now. Last time I saw MM was a month ago. He gave me 15 minutes of his life and on my way home I cried like a baby. I cried all evening because I felt so cheap and used. I was disappointed to get such short time after weeks of not seeing him. He got what he wanted in short 15 seconds and I got kisses that I missed. There was little to no cuddling as before.
I can't shake of the feeling of cheap or feeling like a toy. He keeps saying he cares for me and would see me often if he could. He still texts and snaps but goes from hot to freezing. I feel badly confused with his inconsistent behavior because I like and care for him consistently. This is becoming increasingly painful experience and yet, I'm not able to let go. Part of me keeps saying I can't do this anymore, but the other part does absolutely nothing. Just the same thing over and over and expecting different results. How do I find a strength to end it when I have feelings for him?
It's time to snap out of it, and you know it. Like you said, it changed your values. Sometimes we meet people who bring out the worst in us, and we need to let them go and get back to what we know is right.

If you have marriage problems, either try to work through those or terminate your marriage. I don't have to tell you what you've been doing is never going to lead to anything but hurt all around.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
422 Posts
It's going to be hard to let go if you have no fear of losing what you have. Fear of loss of husband, family, reputation, self-dignity and respect is what's powerful enough to reverse the course of many unfaithful. If you have little to no fear or do not value the aforementioned, then the benefits of your affair are viewed as being greater than the potential costs.

However, if you fear these virtues, then the next question is, do you fear them enough? You don't even have to be remorseful at this point. You just have to fear what's potentially lost. If you are ok and can live without your afterthought of a husband, then you will continue.

If you do not fear your children living in a unloving environment then you will continue. If you do not fear the loss of self dignity and respect then you will justify your actions despite costs. . If a complete loss of normalcy in your life is worth losing, then again you have no meaningful motivation to discontinue.

Your values are at the core of your decision. Your actions will define who you are. At this point, you are valuing your lover over your husband, family, self respect and dignity. You are also valuing your personal gratification over the well being of his wife and family. If you have not given these virtues proper acknowledgement, now is the time.

If you have and disregard them, you are who you are.

The costs of infidelity is much broader, deeper and devastating than what it appears to be on its surface. Your infatuation with him will be the self scorn that will never go away when you escape the fog you are firmly entrenched in. When daylight falls upon you, you will scan the collateral damage and metaphorically it will be akin to a Ukraine resident returning home and seeing it no longer exists.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
422 Posts
He’s using you. He’s using you for as much side sex as he can get. You exist to get him off, that’s all you are to him. He’s not going to leave his family for you, Ever.
I'm a mature man. Generally speaking. Married, adult men willing to engage in an affair do not stop it until his family unit is threatened. Side sex ranks very, very high for many adult men, but it's not higher than the family. They do not lose their marriage and family for side stuff.

So you cannot expect mutual cooperation. You will have to be strong enough on your own. GENERALLY speaking men don't have emotional confusion. If sex is available the justification is "hey, she was giving it to me, so I took what was given". Generally speaking, females often have a different view that's relationship driven. But for men, sex is the driver.

Just want you to understand the landscape in the land of infidelity, which takes no prisoners by the way. Permanent emotional, physical in some instances (STD) and psychological impairment along PTSD are the battle scars. Some woulds are lethal depending on the injured person's emotional and psychological makeup.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,175 Posts
I've met the MM two years ago during my clinical rotation. He was attractive and charming, but didn't have my full attention until I noticed he was trying harder than anyone else to get to know me. He was also very helpful which made the whole experience much easier.
We both were married with small kids and he was almost 10 years younger. I didn't think much of it except having a crush on him. At that time, I wasn't at the best place in my life. I felt stuck in my marriage for over a decade and after our baby arrived I thought things would get better. They were but very shortly. As our child got older, everything ugly resurfaced back. Except, now there is a little innocent child watching her parents argue and often saying " stop fighting!!"
Long story short - MM and I stayed in touch ever since I finished my school work. We would text, snap daily. At the begging, he would text non stop. Then a little less, then almost nothing. Most of the time he would send at least a picture or a text a day. This hot and cold periods were driving me crazy not knowing why it was happening. Now, two years later I can see it being a pattern. Something that shouldn't surprise me anymore and yet, it hurts more and more each time. He can go days being so interested just to get cold afterwards.
Anyway...our affair became physical six months later. The way things felt with him were so exciting but for me it was kissing and hugging that kept me coming back for more despite the pain of crumbs in between.
After about a year, he told me his wife wanted another child and he felt guilty for doing things with me. He didn't want to stop talking though. I know this was my sign to let him go and do what's right, but I couldn't imagine life without hearing from him. We kept chatting and sending pictures for about a month when things turned physical again. He would go through feeling guilty each time we saw each other which was painful because I felt used and confused. The same when the baby was born. He distanced himself for some time but kept talking. And I was too weak to let it go.
Looking back, I made so many mistakes and changed who I was before him. Before him - I've never send any revealing pictures or inappropriate video of myself. He kepts asking and after while I gave in. Suddenly this became a norm. Before him, I found disgusting to see a pic of man's privates but he slowly eased me into liking it.
I never liked rough sex or gentle pushing on throat, but he made it to look so normal.
If I'm honest with myself, I feel like I lost myself in this affair. My values and boundaries are more than questionable now. Last time I saw MM was a month ago. He gave me 15 minutes of his life and on my way home I cried like a baby. I cried all evening because I felt so cheap and used. I was disappointed to get such short time after weeks of not seeing him. He got what he wanted in short 15 seconds and I got kisses that I missed. There was little to no cuddling as before.
I can't shake of the feeling of cheap or feeling like a toy. He keeps saying he cares for me and would see me often if he could. He still texts and snaps but goes from hot to freezing. I feel badly confused with his inconsistent behavior because I like and care for him consistently. This is becoming increasingly painful experience and yet, I'm not able to let go. Part of me keeps saying I can't do this anymore, but the other part does absolutely nothing. Just the same thing over and over and expecting different results. How do I find a strength to end it when I have feelings for him?
You are just a warm spot for him to stick his ****. That's it. That's what you are destroying two families for. He will use you as long as you will allow it, then he will discard you like trash when his wife gets suspicious.

If you can't end it then send this to your husband and the OM's wife. See how quickly it ends.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
851 Posts
It's going to be hard to let go if you have no fear of losing what you have. Fear of loss of husband, family, reputation, self-dignity and respect is what's powerful enough to reverse the course of many unfaithful. If you have little to no fear or do not value the aforementioned, then the benefits of your affair are viewed as being greater than the potential costs.

However, if you fear these virtues, then the next question is, do you fear them enough? You don't even have to be remorseful at this point. You just have to fear what's potentially lost. If you are ok and can live without your afterthought of a husband, then you will continue.

If you do not fear your children living in a unloving environment then you will continue. If you do not fear the loss of self dignity and respect then you will justify your actions despite costs. . If a complete loss of normalcy in your life is worth losing, then again you have no meaningful motivation to discontinue.

Your values are at the core of your decision. Your actions will define who you are. At this point, you are valuing your lover over your husband, family, self respect and dignity. You are also valuing your personal gratification over the well being of his wife and family. If you have not given these virtues proper acknowledgement, now is the time.

If you have and disregard them, you are who you are.

The costs of infidelity is much broader, deeper and devastating than what it appears to be on its surface. Your infatuation with him will be the self scorn that will never go away when you escape the fog you are firmly entrenched in. When daylight falls upon you, you will scan the collateral damage and metaphorically it will be akin to a Ukraine resident returning home and seeing it no longer exists.
^^^THIS IS RIGHT ON^^^
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,879 Posts
Keep repeating the words in your post — “cheap” and “used”. Remind yourself how that feels. You likely aren’t his first side piece and you won’t be the last one either (you may not even be the only one). Now you need to decide whether a few kisses and hugs are worth what you stand to lose if this got out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,888 Posts
Who do you love and care about more, a disgusting man who despite being married with small children will cheat, or your children?
Are you going to put them first or carry in this terrible behaviour?

Are you going to do the right thing and stop it? Tell your husband? Make sure his poor wife knows?
You are being used but you are also using him. You are enabling him as well.

You can and should come clean, be honest and get tested for STDs.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
18,959 Posts
Thanks for sharing.

For sharing the occasional great moments, and the long interim periods where you felt being an... after thought.

You showed us that one party in these affairs will almost always be used by the other.

You told us of just another common affair that went from strong, to soft, then dim, then dark, then to bitter.

Your affair partner got you to do the things his 'proper wife' would never do.

He conned you into sending him sex videos, into you allowing and performing rough, oral sex with him, maybe even doing back door. He got you to appreciate dik pics.

You were his living and breathing sex doll.
Everything, that he has seen on those porn flicks.

I am sure he liked you.
Did you actually love you?
Not a chance.

They say, 'live and learn', and you have in spades.

Good Luck going forward....



Are Dee-
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
77 Posts
Mamina:

You need to tell your husband what you have done. You need to tell the other mans wife what you have done. Accept the consequences to your actions.

THINK OF THIS If he is so willing to cheat on his wife and kids, what makes you think he's not cheating with other women with you? Or even other men? (He could be Bi).

You need to tell your husband and the OM wife ASAP so they can get tested for STDs. You've been lying far too long to your family, its time to come clean so they can make decisions that they feel comfortable with. Also if you tell the OM wife and your husband, it will be the first step in FIXING YOU.

Also I happen to notice your other post a while back where you are blaming your husband for everything. Perhaps it was your cheating that was causing all this tension.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,963 Posts
Mamina,

What I believe is going on is this........

You are addicted to the OM and you believe him to be a good person, but he is not the man you think he is.

It's most likely he is a practiced serial cheater and you are just another woman in his harem. If you are a well paid medical professional he is keeping you on a leash in case he needs you for money, but you might not be as attractive to him as other women. He does not message you because he has moved on to other women however he will not entirely let you go.

You wrote about how he was blowing hot and cold, well just as random payouts in gambling encourage addiction so too giving and withholding affection produces human bondage. Smart OMs know this all too well by instinct.

I also suspect that the OM slowly poisoned your opinion about your marriage, another trick. Often this starts out with the OM complaining about his marriage and granting you access to his emotions in a special way only for you. Your marriage was not bad OM made it seem so.

Recover your marraige make your confession and rebuild, there is no future with OM, he will only cheat on you and use you for money or to buy him a car he will drive into a tree.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,963 Posts
This is something someone else wrote,


My perspective is from that of the OW who became the new wife. I hope this helps someone.

You will get to be responsible for destroying the life of another woman. You will get to be responsible for destroying the lives of all children involved. No, children are not resilient. They are sponges and take in everything around them whether they are capable of processing it or not. And when they are not able to process their world being shattered and all the conflicting messages about right and wrong, you will get to deal with all their issues and mistakes and anger as they grow up. You will have to know all the while that whatever is happening is a direct result of your selfishness. If the child fails at school, can’t control their anger, becomes promiscuous, falls into addictions, can’t maintain good relationships of their own you get to know in the back of your mind and deep in your soul that you are responsible for what molded that child. Whether you admit it or not, you WILL know. You will not be able to fix this; it will not work out, smooth over, or ever be okay. Even if you look like the Cleavers on the surface it is under there bubbling and will come out. Don’t think you are special and you will escape this result.

Maybe right now you are in a place where you are in deep denial about the children and you don’t give a crap about the BW. Let me appeal to your sense of selfishness then and tell you what you personally are going to suffer in the years to come…

You are marrying a cheater. Someone who didn’t like what they had at home so they went looking for something better. Or maybe you offered him something better? It doesn’t really matter who started it, who lied more, it doesn’t even really matter if you were tricked into a relationship not knowing he was married at first. Your consequences will be the same. You now have a spouse who gave up one family and chose you and yours. Feels great right? Think again. How long do you think it will take before you stop feeling like a prize?

The minute things go wrong, and face it, in all marriages there are these times, he is going to be looking at you and wondering if you were worth it. And you will feel it. Even if he doesn’t say it right out. He is going to realize that this marriage requires just as much work as the old one did and you are not nearly as perfect in real life as he thought you were and he is going to be angry for what he has sacrificed for you. Now you get to be insecure and feel like you are always fighting to be worth it to him.

You are going to be labeled as the [censored] for the entire rest of your life. No matter what changes or personal revelations you come to, you will be the [censored] that wrecked a home and stole a husband. There will be innumerable family conflicts over this. You are likely to have his kids hating your guts forever. This means that every holiday, school concert, soccer game, big family event like graduations and weddings, and grandkids (yes, it will last that far and long) will be sources of conflict instead of happy times.

You will probably not be invited to a lot of things that your spouse should be attending with his children. You may show up anyway, asserting your position as the new wife. But it will be a conflict. You spouse will have to over and over choose between you and his original family. He is going to resent you for this. You are going to get so tired of constantly being the center of conflict and so tired of all the hate directed at you and no one is going to sympathize with you. When you do impose yourself where the BW and her children and extended family and friends are you will feel the scarlet letter that you wear burning in your chest no matter how high you try to hold your head. I promise you, you will. You and your stolen spouse will fight over this more than you can imagine in the years to come.

And guess what?! When he starts to pull away from you and works late more, or isn’t insatiable in bed with you anymore, or cuts his hair a new way you are going to be terrified. You are going to be terrified because you know exactly what he might be doing next. You are going to be suspicious probably before he actually even does anything because you already know he is untrustworthy.

Chances are he is going to cheat again too. Except this time on you. Now, you get to feel the pain of being a BW doubled by the pain of realizing exactly what you did to someone else. The guilt and shame on top of your already devastating pain from being cheated on will be unbearable. Now listen to this closely NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE!! You are going to hear and know that you should have known better and have the old adages about cheaters thrown in your face over and over. You will not be able to come somewhere like these boards for support because they are going to crucify you! You will be all alone with your pain and your heartache with no one to blame but yourself.

Do not think you are special. DO NOT THINK IT WON’THAPPEN TO YOU!!!!!!!!!! The stats are overwhelmingly high. No one gets married thinking that their spouse will cheat. No one. I promise you are not different or better somehow.

Occasionally an affair partner will grow a conscience and want to be a good person and here is what happens…

Now, let’s say that you make changes in your heart and your life. Let say you find God or in whatever way it comes to you, you realize that you have done something horrendous. Okay, now you actually do care about those kids and that BW. Well too bad. You can’t fix it. Yes, God will forgive you if you repent. Not many others will. And you will have one heck of a time trying to forgive yourself. You will feel sick and ashamed all the time. You will cry many bitter tears.

You will not be able to look at your spouse and feel the same way you once did. All of your memories of when you first met, your first kiss, the early days of your relationship will be tainted. All of those memories that are supposed to be sweet will be sour. You will not be able to enjoy them because you know that whole time it was wrong, wrong, wrong! What are you left with? Not much.

You are going to try to offer apologies, you are going to try to figure out what you can possibly do to make amends and there are going to be no easy answers. You will be told by many that you can’t repent and stay married. You will be told by just as many that if God has forgiven you that another divorce would be just another sin. You will make yourself crazy over this because you want to do the right thing for once in your life and you have put yourself in a situation where it is impossible to know what that it.

Also, if you are one of the few who have this attack of conscience at some point down the road, you are still going to be dealing with all the same stuff above that the unremorseful affair partner is dealing with except it’s probably going to hurt you even more because you now genuinely care. Too bad no one will think you are sincere or trust your words. Why should they, remember what you did?? Of course you do, now go cry some more as if it will help.

There are no time machines people!! You are making a mess bigger than you can ever clean up!!

There is really a lot more I could say about how this is going to play out but this is already getting very long.

Like I said, this is from my perspective but just change the pronouns and it is the same for anyone entering into an adulterous relationship. Man or woman, whether you are the WW, WH, AP, it’s going to end in ruin.

You have been warned.

And if anyone out there is currently involved in waywardness and wants to ask me something, fire away! I will answer any and everything asked if it will get you to stop what you are doing and reconcile your family before it is too late.

Unfortunately if you are already married to your AP don’t bother asking me. I can’t help you because I cannot help myself. I live in the ruins of my own creation. You like me should have seen the light sooner. Sorry.

To the BS out there who may read this, I can only hope that knowing that your spouse is not going to be happy and their AP is not going to be happy helps you feel a little bit vindicated. I promise you that even if they look like the picture of happiness on the outside they are not. They have a cancer eating their souls. You can have a better life. They won’t.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,732 Posts
This is something someone else wrote,


My perspective is from that of the OW who became the new wife. I hope this helps someone.

You will get to be responsible for destroying the life of another woman. You will get to be responsible for destroying the lives of all children involved. No, children are not resilient. They are sponges and take in everything around them whether they are capable of processing it or not. And when they are not able to process their world being shattered and all the conflicting messages about right and wrong, you will get to deal with all their issues and mistakes and anger as they grow up. You will have to know all the while that whatever is happening is a direct result of your selfishness. If the child fails at school, can’t control their anger, becomes promiscuous, falls into addictions, can’t maintain good relationships of their own you get to know in the back of your mind and deep in your soul that you are responsible for what molded that child. Whether you admit it or not, you WILL know. You will not be able to fix this; it will not work out, smooth over, or ever be okay. Even if you look like the Cleavers on the surface it is under there bubbling and will come out. Don’t think you are special and you will escape this result.

Maybe right now you are in a place where you are in deep denial about the children and you don’t give a crap about the BW. Let me appeal to your sense of selfishness then and tell you what you personally are going to suffer in the years to come…

You are marrying a cheater. Someone who didn’t like what they had at home so they went looking for something better. Or maybe you offered him something better? It doesn’t really matter who started it, who lied more, it doesn’t even really matter if you were tricked into a relationship not knowing he was married at first. Your consequences will be the same. You now have a spouse who gave up one family and chose you and yours. Feels great right? Think again. How long do you think it will take before you stop feeling like a prize?

The minute things go wrong, and face it, in all marriages there are these times, he is going to be looking at you and wondering if you were worth it. And you will feel it. Even if he doesn’t say it right out. He is going to realize that this marriage requires just as much work as the old one did and you are not nearly as perfect in real life as he thought you were and he is going to be angry for what he has sacrificed for you. Now you get to be insecure and feel like you are always fighting to be worth it to him.

You are going to be labeled as the [censored] for the entire rest of your life. No matter what changes or personal revelations you come to, you will be the [censored] that wrecked a home and stole a husband. There will be innumerable family conflicts over this. You are likely to have his kids hating your guts forever. This means that every holiday, school concert, soccer game, big family event like graduations and weddings, and grandkids (yes, it will last that far and long) will be sources of conflict instead of happy times.

You will probably not be invited to a lot of things that your spouse should be attending with his children. You may show up anyway, asserting your position as the new wife. But it will be a conflict. You spouse will have to over and over choose between you and his original family. He is going to resent you for this. You are going to get so tired of constantly being the center of conflict and so tired of all the hate directed at you and no one is going to sympathize with you. When you do impose yourself where the BW and her children and extended family and friends are you will feel the scarlet letter that you wear burning in your chest no matter how high you try to hold your head. I promise you, you will. You and your stolen spouse will fight over this more than you can imagine in the years to come.

And guess what?! When he starts to pull away from you and works late more, or isn’t insatiable in bed with you anymore, or cuts his hair a new way you are going to be terrified. You are going to be terrified because you know exactly what he might be doing next. You are going to be suspicious probably before he actually even does anything because you already know he is untrustworthy.

Chances are he is going to cheat again too. Except this time on you. Now, you get to feel the pain of being a BW doubled by the pain of realizing exactly what you did to someone else. The guilt and shame on top of your already devastating pain from being cheated on will be unbearable. Now listen to this closely NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE!! You are going to hear and know that you should have known better and have the old adages about cheaters thrown in your face over and over. You will not be able to come somewhere like these boards for support because they are going to crucify you! You will be all alone with your pain and your heartache with no one to blame but yourself.

Do not think you are special. DO NOT THINK IT WON’THAPPEN TO YOU!!!!!!!!!! The stats are overwhelmingly high. No one gets married thinking that their spouse will cheat. No one. I promise you are not different or better somehow.

Occasionally an affair partner will grow a conscience and want to be a good person and here is what happens…

Now, let’s say that you make changes in your heart and your life. Let say you find God or in whatever way it comes to you, you realize that you have done something horrendous. Okay, now you actually do care about those kids and that BW. Well too bad. You can’t fix it. Yes, God will forgive you if you repent. Not many others will. And you will have one heck of a time trying to forgive yourself. You will feel sick and ashamed all the time. You will cry many bitter tears.

You will not be able to look at your spouse and feel the same way you once did. All of your memories of when you first met, your first kiss, the early days of your relationship will be tainted. All of those memories that are supposed to be sweet will be sour. You will not be able to enjoy them because you know that whole time it was wrong, wrong, wrong! What are you left with? Not much.

You are going to try to offer apologies, you are going to try to figure out what you can possibly do to make amends and there are going to be no easy answers. You will be told by many that you can’t repent and stay married. You will be told by just as many that if God has forgiven you that another divorce would be just another sin. You will make yourself crazy over this because you want to do the right thing for once in your life and you have put yourself in a situation where it is impossible to know what that it.

Also, if you are one of the few who have this attack of conscience at some point down the road, you are still going to be dealing with all the same stuff above that the unremorseful affair partner is dealing with except it’s probably going to hurt you even more because you now genuinely care. Too bad no one will think you are sincere or trust your words. Why should they, remember what you did?? Of course you do, now go cry some more as if it will help.

There are no time machines people!! You are making a mess bigger than you can ever clean up!!

There is really a lot more I could say about how this is going to play out but this is already getting very long.

Like I said, this is from my perspective but just change the pronouns and it is the same for anyone entering into an adulterous relationship. Man or woman, whether you are the WW, WH, AP, it’s going to end in ruin.

You have been warned.

And if anyone out there is currently involved in waywardness and wants to ask me something, fire away! I will answer any and everything asked if it will get you to stop what you are doing and reconcile your family before it is too late.

Unfortunately if you are already married to your AP don’t bother asking me. I can’t help you because I cannot help myself. I live in the ruins of my own creation. You like me should have seen the light sooner. Sorry.

To the BS out there who may read this, I can only hope that knowing that your spouse is not going to be happy and their AP is not going to be happy helps you feel a little bit vindicated. I promise you that even if they look like the picture of happiness on the outside they are not. They have a cancer eating their souls. You can have a better life. They won’t.
This is probably THE best thing I’ve ever read on TAM. Wow. Thank you for sharing this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20,360 Posts
I've met the MM two years ago during my clinical rotation. He was attractive and charming, but didn't have my full attention until I noticed he was trying harder than anyone else to get to know me. He was also very helpful which made the whole experience much easier.
We both were married with small kids and he was almost 10 years younger. I didn't think much of it except having a crush on him. At that time, I wasn't at the best place in my life. I felt stuck in my marriage for over a decade and after our baby arrived I thought things would get better. They were but very shortly. As our child got older, everything ugly resurfaced back. Except, now there is a little innocent child watching her parents argue and often saying " stop fighting!!"
Long story short - MM and I stayed in touch ever since I finished my school work. We would text, snap daily. At the begging, he would text non stop. Then a little less, then almost nothing. Most of the time he would send at least a picture or a text a day. This hot and cold periods were driving me crazy not knowing why it was happening. Now, two years later I can see it being a pattern. Something that shouldn't surprise me anymore and yet, it hurts more and more each time. He can go days being so interested just to get cold afterwards.
Anyway...our affair became physical six months later. The way things felt with him were so exciting but for me it was kissing and hugging that kept me coming back for more despite the pain of crumbs in between.
After about a year, he told me his wife wanted another child and he felt guilty for doing things with me. He didn't want to stop talking though. I know this was my sign to let him go and do what's right, but I couldn't imagine life without hearing from him. We kept chatting and sending pictures for about a month when things turned physical again. He would go through feeling guilty each time we saw each other which was painful because I felt used and confused. The same when the baby was born. He distanced himself for some time but kept talking. And I was too weak to let it go.
Looking back, I made so many mistakes and changed who I was before him. Before him - I've never send any revealing pictures or inappropriate video of myself. He kepts asking and after while I gave in. Suddenly this became a norm. Before him, I found disgusting to see a pic of man's privates but he slowly eased me into liking it.
I never liked rough sex or gentle pushing on throat, but he made it to look so normal.
If I'm honest with myself, I feel like I lost myself in this affair. My values and boundaries are more than questionable now. Last time I saw MM was a month ago. He gave me 15 minutes of his life and on my way home I cried like a baby. I cried all evening because I felt so cheap and used. I was disappointed to get such short time after weeks of not seeing him. He got what he wanted in short 15 seconds and I got kisses that I missed. There was little to no cuddling as before.
I can't shake of the feeling of cheap or feeling like a toy. He keeps saying he cares for me and would see me often if he could. He still texts and snaps but goes from hot to freezing. I feel badly confused with his inconsistent behavior because I like and care for him consistently. This is becoming increasingly painful experience and yet, I'm not able to let go. Part of me keeps saying I can't do this anymore, but the other part does absolutely nothing. Just the same thing over and over and expecting different results. How do I find a strength to end it when I have feelings for him?
It would help if you pulled your head out of your derriere and looked at what's actually going on.

You are a side chick. Just an extra piece of ass he gets to tap whenever he has the inclination and time.

Of course he's still interested in "talking" with you.

He's easily keeping his unpaid prostitute on the line.

He is getting everything he wants from you and you are definitely not getting anymore from him.

Look at him for what he is. He's a piece of crap that cheats on his wife and has no problem ruining another woman's life just so he can get his willy wet outside of his marriage.

Break all contact and let his wife know what a dog turd she is married to.

Get yourself into therapy, get healthy and you will have a better chance at attracting a human male instead of a troglodyte.

Make sure you get healthy first or you will find another troglodyte or worse, you will attract a good man and mess up his life.

P.S I missed the first part where you said you were married..


You need to confess to your husband as well and that will definitely shine a light on the truth of how ugly you have become and how disgusting your infidelity is.

It's too bad for the children that you and your Affair Partner aren't actually grown up enough to care for their well-being over your own ridiculous urges.

Stop this nonsense, own your actions and work with your husband to divorce amicably or work your ass off to repair what you have certainly destroyed.

It should be your husband's choice because you denied him agency in his own life, unless you just want out which would have been so much better than choosing infidelity.
 
1 - 20 of 56 Posts
Top