Talk About Marriage banner
1 - 20 of 25 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi All -

New here and my first post. Read other posts about husband treating others better and giving more attention to friends, neighbors, etc. Efforts by him for my needs are not a priority. He is definitely EU with narcissistic traits. Really noticed after we got married a year ago. I saw red flags, talked with him, said he understood and he would try to open up, share, etc. He still can’t talk about anything below skin deep, no emotions, no feelings. Seems deathly afraid to open up. I’ve asked why and he has no idea. He acts all nice in front of people but when we are alone, deafening silence. With other people, you can’t shut him up. His desires to hang out with the guys is over the top. He talks with people and compliments them with overzealous comments that I know are fake because he says the opposite when they aren’t around. I can’t stand the fake BS, it’s nauseating. Histrionic Personality Disorder? Brings mistrust because it’s hipocritical. I mention it to him and he gets very defensive saying he will always be overly nice. No one else we know does this, no other neighbors. Their families come first. I just can’t pin the issue down.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,606 Posts
Have you spoken with him about getting counseling? Either individual for HIM, or Marriage for the both of you?
Being FAKE overly nice isn't nice. People WILL find out and/or figure this out about him in the long run.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Have you spoken with him about getting counseling? Either individual for HIM, or Marriage for the both of you?
Being FAKE overly nice isn't nice. People WILL find out and/or figure this out about him in the long run.
I have mentioned counseling and work shops but he doesn’t believe in it. He thinks if couples need counseling they are doomed.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,489 Posts
So are you saying he was hiding his behavior from you prior to marriage? Or did you suspect something was amiss prior to marriage?
 
  • Like
Reactions: Rowan

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,606 Posts
I have mentioned counseling and work shops but he doesn’t believe in it. He thinks if couples need counseling they are doomed.
So ask him if he wants a self-fulfilling prophecy? It doesn't mean they are doomed -- it means that both NEED TO LEARN about having a good relationship -- it doesn't just fall out of the sky to land in your head how to do this stuff.
CLEARLY you are not happy -- so does he think you are doomed and no way to fix it? If THAT is his attitude, he may be right.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,708 Posts
Hi All -

New here and my first post. Read other posts about husband treating others better and giving more attention to friends, neighbors, etc. Efforts by him for my needs are not a priority. He is definitely EU with narcissistic traits. Really noticed after we got married a year ago. I saw red flags, talked with him, said he understood and he would try to open up, share, etc. He still can’t talk about anything below skin deep, no emotions, no feelings. Seems deathly afraid to open up. I’ve asked why and he has no idea. He acts all nice in front of people but when we are alone, deafening silence. With other people, you can’t shut him up. His desires to hang out with the guys is over the top. He talks with people and compliments them with overzealous comments that I know are fake because he says the opposite when they aren’t around. I can’t stand the fake BS, it’s nauseating. Histrionic Personality Disorder? Brings mistrust because it’s hipocritical. I mention it to him and he gets very defensive saying he will always be overly nice. No one else we know does this, no other neighbors. Their families come first. I just can’t pin the issue down.
I would say narc and histrionic. If it's hard to pin it exactly, he is probably a covert. They are good with superficial charm, or putting on a good show for people, which sounds like what you're describing. You cannot change a narc or a person with cluster b personality. Most important, do not tell them you know they are what they are. They are extremely manipulative so be careful. I personally would not be married to one, so if you can get out, do it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
So are you saying he was hiding his behavior from you prior to marriage? Or did you suspect something was amiss prior to marriage?
I saw after we moved into together a year and a half into relationship. Thought he was just really nice and friendly, has many friendships and a reputation for being a great guy. We moved about a year ago and it’s happening in this neighborhood even worse. What’s frustrating is nobody picks up on the overzealous crap and I am in his shadow with these people. Narcissistic supply I am guessing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,489 Posts
It sounds like a bad situation. It also sounds like he pulled somewhat of a bait-and-switch. Now that you're married to him, you get to see just how manipulative he can be. I couldn't be with someone like your husband; in fact, it kinda creeps me out. He sounds a bit unhinged. Sadly, it may boil down to you having to make the difficult decision as to whether or not you can live with someone like him. He doesn't want help. Apparently, he doesn't even think he needs help.
 
  • Like
Reactions: GC1234

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I would say narc and histrionic. If it's hard to pin it exactly, he is probably a covert. They are good with superficial charm, or putting on a good show for people, which sounds like what you're describing. You cannot change a narc or a person with cluster b personality. Most important, do not tell them you know they are what they are. They are extremely manipulative so be careful. I personally would not be married to one, so if you can get out, do it.
I have mentioned narcissism to him, he read a couple of articles I sent him, I think he got the picture a little, but when he is nice to me it doesn’t seem genuine. I went though years of him spinning the truth to get his way, so my trust is minimal.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
It sounds like a bad situation. It also sounds like he pulled somewhat of a bait-and-switch. Now that you're married to him, you get to see just how manipulative he can be. I couldn't be with someone like your husband; in fact, it kinda creeps me out. He sounds a bit unhinged. Sadly, it may boil down to you having to make the difficult decision as to whether or not you can live with someone like him. He doesn't want help. Apparently, he doesn't even think he needs help.
No, he doesn’t think he needs help. Getting silent treatment now for venting the other day about this. Granted, I was yelling a bit, but I think I hit a nerve and he’s pissed.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,708 Posts
I have mentioned narcissism to him, he read a couple of articles I sent him, I think he got the picture a little, but when he is nice to me it doesn’t seem genuine. I went though years of him spinning the truth to get his way, so my trust is minimal.
Yes, they spin everything if it means they win. My sister in law is a covert narc, and she has been this way since I've met her practically. It's 8 years later, still exactly the same. There is no changing them. They will BS you into thinking they have/can, but they can't and won't. Even though there are therapists out there who have an understanding of it, those who have it are unwilling to go. There is a certain way you have to deal with them, so I'd suggest researching how to behave with them and how they think, just for your own sanity. Many youtube videos out there are helpful.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
So ask him if he wants a self-fulfilling prophecy? It doesn't mean they are doomed -- it means that both NEED TO LEARN about having a good relationship -- it doesn't just fall out of the sky to land in your head how to do this stuff.
CLEARLY you are not happy -- so does he think you are doomed and no way to fix it? If THAT is his attitude, he may be right.
He keeps saying that I’m not happy, I say because I need some intimacy from you and a connection, I can’t live with the distance, just want a healthy intimate connection. I think counseling would help, but he refuses to let down his walls.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Yes, they spin everything if it means they win. My sister in law is a covert narc, and she has been this way since I've met her practically. It's 8 years later, still exactly the same. There is no changing them. They will BS you into thinking they have/can, but they can't and won't. Even though there are therapists out there who have an understanding of it, those who have it are unwilling to go. There is a certain way you have to deal with them, so I'd suggest researching how to behave with them and how they think, just for your own sanity. Many youtube videos out there are helpful.
Thank you. Been researching and reading for months. Wish I knew then what I know now, so much out there that no one is aware of until it’s too late.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,606 Posts
He keeps saying that I’m not happy, I say because I need some intimacy from you and a connection, I can’t live with the distance, just want a healthy intimate connection. I think counseling would help, but he refuses to let down his walls.
Honestly, you can TRY to lead him to water, but....
If he refuses to drink, refuses to get help, refuses to TRY to resolve the issues in the marriage, not really a lot YOU can do about it. You control YOU, not him. You can only talk to him about the consequences of him not working on it (but make sure you are willing to follow through on those consequences).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
How does someone like this appear so popular in people’s eyes?? So frustrating for the outside circle to idealize him when it’s all smoke and mirrors.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,606 Posts
How does someone like this appear so popular in people’s eyes?? So frustrating for the outside circle to idealize him when it’s all smoke and mirrors.
Because THEY don't have the inside scoop. MANY people do not look beyond the easily visible. Many do not live introspective lives so they don't look at anyone else's actions either. It doesn't take much though for one small mistake and the entire idea crashes. Someone will hear him bad mouthing someone else AFTER they have heard him false praise that person -- and the connections will happen and they will realize that if he does it so some, he does it to all.

One thing -- YOU should now worry about that AT ALL. Don't let yourself go down that rabbit hole. You worry about YOU. Stay healthy, exercise, eat right, sleep, get into new hobbies that YOU want to pursue, meet new people, etc..
Also, you may want some counseling for yourself just to understand how to NOT let this bother you so much, how to move on, and how to "fix your picker" so you don't fall in to the same trap in your next relationship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,489 Posts
To begin with, stop trying to get him to see the light and have that ah-ha moment. I'd also suggest you quit diagnosing him. It's not going to change who he is or better your situation. It would behoove you to start by looking at yourself. Why are you really with this guy? Why did you ignore the red flags when they started popping up?

He's not posting here, you are. So I'd suggest you look deeply at the reasons for staying with a man who doesn't meet your emotional needs. Seriously.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
93 Posts
Red flags everywhere! This is who he is...you can not, will not change him, he will not, can not look deep inside himself...
You need to decide if you can be happy with the relationship exactly as it is now for the rest of your life...because it will not get better...
You probably already know what you need to do...



Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk
 
1 - 20 of 25 Posts
Top