Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 19 of 19 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I would like to get feedback and thoughts on how you would feel and handle the following situation:

My in-laws insist on bringing their dog (equivalent to a Golden Retriever) to our house when visiting. Despite my objections, my husband tells them "it's not a problem, it's ok". My in-laws do not want to board the dog because "it was a traumatic" experience for the dog." Despite my in-laws knowing i'm not ok with this, i extended an olive branch two years ago where they came with the dog and here we go again, they are now visiting with the dog while I am out of town. And my husband once again tells them "it's ok, not a problem". They have stated to my husband that if they can't visit with the dog they won't be visiting.

I shouldn't have to state the reasons why i don't want a dog in my home, i simple "I"m not comfortable with a dog in my home" should suffice. But to be specific, the dog sheds, we have hardwood floors, carpet, dog has to sleep in close proximity to my father in law, which means guest bedroom which I don't want. More importantly, our 7yr. old son does not like dogs, he is scared and stays at an arm's length distance, puts his hand over his ears when the dog barks.

All this and my husband and in-laws don't understand "what my issue is with the dog". I feel beyond angry and disrespected by my in-laws but more so by my husband.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,529 Posts
Hm, this type of thing is difficult because both of you have equal say about what goes on in your home.

How long do your in-laws usually stay?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
a few days. yes, we both have a say but his parents are being inconsiderate, imposing and not to mention manipulative in telling my husband they won't visit if they can't come with the dog.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,529 Posts
Could they possibly stay in a hotel/motel near you that allows dogs to stay?

Are there other areas in your relationship where the two of you have a conflict based on you two not being able to come to a compromise?

Here's a link to the Policy of Joint Agreement?

Does your husband usually put his parents ahead of you?

It describes how a couple is supposed to handle this sort of thing.

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-policy-of-joint-agreement.htm
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,075 Posts
So what's the real reason for marital discord that you're using the dog as a proxy for?
Yeah...no. I think the problem is as exactly as she states. OP, your in-laws are incredibly rude. And your husband's an idiot.

I too am a dog lover but don't want one in my house. Everyone knows my house is a 'dog free' zone unless it's a toy breed that can be carried/contained. Two of my husband's grown kids have huge freakin' dogs, and one of them sheds like mad. I don't want either one in the house and it has nothing to do with 'marital discord.'

Let me guess OP. Your husband probably keeps telling you you're imagining the mess and exaggerating how bad it is. AND I'm also willing to bet that he sits on his dead ass while YOU spend hours cleaning the "imaginary" mess that was made of your entire house after his parents leave. It's not just the main room and guest room - it gets everywhere. Those who don't clean don't realize the hours and hours and hours invested in having to clean up dog hair - it gets embedded in curtains, in area rugs, it settles on shelves and nick-knacks, it embeds in furniture and those who have dog hair on themselves - like your in-laws likely do - will track it all over the house where it falls off them into cabinets and kitchen drawers and places you never even expected to see it. And everywhere they sit, they embed dog hair into the upholstery. That means removing cushions and using the hand/brush tool to individually hand vacuum every single upholstered surface as well as each individual cushion and pillow on all sides and edges. It's incredibly boring meticulous work, but a necessary evil.

Have you got stairs with a stair-runner? Make sure he hand vacuums each stair and the runner. Yes, the fun never ends.

It's not just a swish of a duster and a quick vacuuming of the floor. :rolleyes:

OP, I agree with you that this has everything to do with being completely disrespected by your husband because HE'S not the one who has to deal with cleaning up the mess. If he were, I can almost guarantee you that he wouldn't be so happy to let the dog in the house. If I were you, I'd be letting him know he's going to be doing the detailed cleaning this time - while you oversee him to make sure it's done correctly. Let his lazy ass do it ONCE and then maybe, he'll finally get it through his thick skull and know better next time.

When he's done cleaning 8 hours later, let him know from now on they either come without the dog, or he can start going to visit them instead.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
29,359 Posts
I would suggest counselling for your son.

Is it possible your problem with dogs has influenced your son? My mother's fear of spiders was why I was frightened of spiders, so this can happen.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
794 Posts
I love dogs, mine in particular. However, I would never ask to bring him with me even for a day visit, let alone overnight. Your in-laws are being rude and your H is allowing it. Is it typical for him to accommodate them to a point where it inconveniences you? You may have an in-law problem more than a dog problem.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,844 Posts
Your husband apparently can't tell his parents no. If they refuse to visit without the dog, and you don't want the dog in your house, then he should be visiting them at their house.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,620 Posts
Yeah...no. I think the problem is.....
Awesome, you nailed it!!

(Damn, I'm trying not to be overly sarcastic)

How is "I feel beyond angry and disrespected by my in-laws but more so by my husband." not marital discord? Does this happen in a vacuum?

I wonder if the ''beyond angry'' part manifests itself in any behaviours, justified or not, like being pouty, yelling, cold shoulder, etc? Would that have an effect on the marriage baseline?

We don't know because the OP hasn't told us and we don't have the husbands side of the story.

If I was a marriage counsellor, and I'm not, and this women opened the session with the original post, verbatim.....I'd ask the same question I did here.

Or maybe I'm wrong??

I was originally attracted to this thread by the ''clickbait'' title. Imagine my surprise when the OP zigged when I thought it would zag.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
There is on-going theme of disrespect and disregard from both hubby and in-laws, this isn't the first incident.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,033 Posts
There is on-going theme of disrespect and disregard from both hubby and in-laws, this isn't the first incident.
From this, it sounds like there are other issues besides the dog. Any examples you'd like to share?

Your husband certainly doesn't have your back. Your child is frightened of the dog. So, to me at least, it sounds like hubs and in-laws don't care if a child is being subjected to this stressful situation either.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,470 Posts
Dog lovers just don't get that not ALL people love dogs. If the in-laws choose the dog over your relationship as a daughter-in-law then why bother having them stay at your home at all? They have no respect for you or your home. That simple. Your H should be backing you up with this. If he is not, the damn apron strings need to be cut because your H should hold your thoughts and feeling first in all things. Momma's boy was over when he wed you.

Let the in-laws know when the dog goes over the rainbow bridge they are more then welcome to come for a visit. As it stands now their grandchild is afraid of the dog. It is not up to them to make it all better with grandma/grandpa therapy and a golden lab experiment. If they have an issue with that it's their problem. Send a Christmas card with a golden lab wearing a Santa hat. Tell them to have a good one.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,942 Posts
If you wanted a dog in your home, you'd have one of your own. It's out of line for others to expect you to change your home for their convenience. If they want to visit, they should do so in a low impact way, or not at all.

If someone told me they wouldn't come visit unless they could bring the dog, I'd say "works for me!" You get to set the rules in your home; they get to decide whether or not to spend time in your home according to those rules.

wrt your husband having an equal say, the two of you appear to have an impasse. If no agreement can be reached, then the status quo (dog free house) stands. For a change to the status quo, either both partners agree or it doesn't happen. Either partner should have veto power to changes.

If you want to explain this logically, reverse the scenario. You and your child do not want to share space with the dog. If you were to visit your husband's parents, would you demand they kennel the dog while you're there to accommodate your preference? Of course not. They have no right to demand you accommodate their preference.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,275 Posts
Try and make sure that your son gets to know the dog and isn't scared. Most dogs are great with children and its not good for a child to be scared in that way for no reason. I suspect he is picking up on your aversion.

We visit all of our children with our dog, they are all fine with it, as are their children, one of whom is also 6.

If their visits aren't very often, surely you can put up with it for that short time?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
6,888 Posts
Try and make sure that your son gets to know the dog and isn't scared. Most dogs are great with children and its not good for a child to be scared in that way for no reason. I suspect he is picking up on your aversion.

We visit all of our children with our dog, they are all fine with it, as are their children, one of whom is also 6.

If their visits aren't very often, surely you can put up with it for that short time?
Um......no

These parents are being rude
 
1 - 19 of 19 Posts
Top