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Discussion Starter · #21 ·
You did OK, don't worry about it.

She is pushing the narrative that if you can't PROVE she was cheating, then you have no business acting as you do, or demanding that she be accountable. That is a false narrative.

In reality, she is acting JUST AS IF she was cheating. She is being disrespectful of your marriage. She is NOT putting her husband first above all other relationships.

The truth is, there's not that much difference between acting like a person who is cheating and actually being a cheater. (And, for the record, if i had to bet, I would bet that she cheated anyway, but that's besides the point.). The disrespect, the lack of boundaries, the contempt for your feelings and her responsibilities as a spouse are the same.

Divorce. She's doing you a favor by divorcing. In fact, if she's motivated to divorce you, this may be your opportunity to get the best deal you can from a divorce settlement.

And don't worry about "what you could have done differently to save your marriage." The problem is not in you. It is in her selfish nature. She would have stabbed you in the back at some point, just because of her nature. Better now, before your lives get more intertwined than they are.

And NEVER take her back. A leopard can't change her spots.
Thanks for sharing this, I found it very helpful and honestly I think the same way.
 

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Discussion Starter · #22 ·
Even if you remove sex from the equation, is it really appropriate for your wife to be in another man's apartment at midnight and hanging at a bar with guys AND lying to you about it?

That said, she is cheating on you. You have to be blind not to see it. What do you need, to see another man's penis inside her? Guess what, even if you did she would still probably deny it. It must have just fallen in there or something ridiculous.


She leaves home without telling you where and won't answer her phone
Her "walk" was with another man
She picks fights over small stuff
She lies saying that she is going shopping, but instead goes to a bar with a couple guys
You have a neighbor and ex-colleague that know it is okay if they ask your wife out on a date (yes, she is dating other men right in front of you)
She lies even when confronted with the truth
She changes her stories
She isn't transparent with her phone and messing apps
She gaslights you
She said she wants a divorce
She has another guy moving her out behind your back

Look at that list. What do you make of all that?
Absolutely agree, it makes it obvious. What hurts the most is that we were planning on having kids, we were trying, I changed a job for longer paternity leave and many other, but she said that she wanted to divorce me since 10 months and all she did was because she couldn't do it on her own, which I find extremely toxic and basically ruining my life and all my plans.
 

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Absolutely agree, it makes it obvious. What hurts the most is that we were planning on having kids, we were trying, I changed a job for longer paternity leave and many other, but she said that she wanted to divorce me since 10 months and all she did was because she couldn't do it on her own, which I find extremely toxic and basically ruining my life and all my plans.
Take your life back and get away from her. Someone that loves you doesn't do this. I had a tough time after my split from my exH a couple years ago... I had a feeling, no proof, and he denied and denied... No more beating yourself up... She has shown you in a million ways where you fit in her life, you don't.
 

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(Sorry for my english) Me [31] and my wife [29] (No kids) we are now in process of divorcing and here is my story. We are married for 2.5 years now; our relationship was always tough. One night she went out of bed at around midnight and went for a walk, we live in Dublin Ireland, and it was raining, whether was bad overall. I tried reaching her over the phone but there was no signal, she came back 1 hour later and went to bed, refused to talk about this. Next day she was very frustrated, and we fought about small things and she accused me that I am dismissive, not supportive etc. I felt she suddenly changed her behavior toward me. She asked me to go shopping and when I agreed, she said she won't be able to pay attention to me as she will be talking over the phone, when I agreed with that we fought again and postponed the shopping. Few hours later she went shopping alone, 1 hour later I gave her a call just to discover she was in a bar. She refused to share her location and she said she is alone at first at that time the discussion was over. I gave her a 2nd and 3rd call and the things escalated as I demanded the truth, but she only said she will be at home in 30 min to discuss. I went to the nearest bar to find her with our Neighbour and my ex-colleague. I talked with him on private and he shared they were together last night and that he invited her on a walk. At that time my wife left the bar alone and went home. I also went home, and she came to me to discuss the issues. I asked her why she refused to share her location and why she said she was alone, she tried to explain that she was going to share it when she feels it is the right time. I also asked her about the night before walk and she said she was alone, but as I already knew she was not I manipulated her and said that I knew she was at the apartment of our neighbor. At some point she confirmed my suspicious they were there together and tbh she changed the story quite few times. Few days later I decided to ask her to show me her text messages with him and she refused and accused me that I violate her privacy and that I am abusive, and I have trust issues. She declined that they have anything romantic (they both declined) and she said they were just friend. That day she left our home and get temporary accommodation, she also said she is moving out and she wants a divorce. Later I discovered that the guy helped her of moving her things out of our home (that day she asked me where I am and if I will be back at home many times, I was very suspicious). Many other small red flags happened and tbh this is not the first time she went out of home, prior she did the same for 2 months, I also had suspicious as she didn't have solid reason for moving out and acted weird in many ways.

I have moved with divorce documents, and everything is on the way, I feel there is no way back.

She accused me that it is mostly my fault and honestly, I feel bad about it as I was definitely not perfect. She still denies of cheating, and she said I have trust issues and she can't be with someone who is jealous. Also, the thing which broke my heart is that she said we had horrible last 10 months, and she was unhappy, I was dismissive. On the other hand, before this had happened, she pushed me to accept new job mostly because of longer parental leave, we were trying for babies, she didn't seem unhappy to me, we were making plans for the future etc. I feel sad, but I can't accept her behavior and decided to push for divorce especially when she said that she doesn't love me.

Folks what I should have done differently, what should I do now?
How long did you know this women before marrying her?
How much do you know about her past?
Sorry my friend you`ve been suckered in. Your wife is a loose canon and a carousel rider.
Lucky to have lasted 2.5 years, I`ve read many wives are cheating within the first year of being married these days. This is why if I were still young and single, as a guy I`d never get married today.
You should realise unless having evidence your wife is cheating, that she`ll deny everything and lay all the blame on you making accusations that you`re abusive and the bad guy. Be prepared for that.
Other points, don`t be intimate with her, get her out the house if possible and if with her record everything on your phone otherwise she can claim you assaulted her.
Get rid of this skank as quickly as possible and in the most viable way.
At least you are still young enough to make a fresh start and take my advice stay single after this.
 

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I suspected those affairs, but I never had a proof of cheating, and she denied every time. Only time I actually caught her was in the bar with the guy and when she admitted been at his apartment for 1h during midnight, and even than she denied anything. My gut feeling tells me she had cheated, so I pushed for divorce, but still I am not 100% sure.
Be 100% sure -- she cheated and more than once.
She is trying to blame YOU for being suspicous (you should have been -- she has an AWFUL set of behaviors) -- in fact she has done everything to MAKE you suspicious. SHE is the one to blame here for cheating -- not you.
You didn't "drive" her to cheat -- if she felt that bad about the relationship, she should have divorced you. She has a very poor character and is in no way a good partner.

The best thing you can do is what you are doing -- pursue divorce, stop communicating with her for anything other than the divorce, and DO NOT hesitate to tell folks WHY you are divorcing her -- because she cheated. SHE will try to rewrite the marriage that you were abusive, controlling, etc. -- YOU need to make sure that your story is out there to tell the truth.
 

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I suspected those affairs, but I never had a proof of cheating, and she denied every time. Only time I actually caught her was in the bar with the guy and when she admitted been at his apartment for 1h during midnight, and even than she denied anything. My gut feeling tells me she had cheated, so I pushed for divorce, but still I am not 100% sure.
How can you say that there were only suspect occurrences?

Well, maybe so, if your marital boundaries are weak.
Which, they must be, for you to give, short-shrift, to them (a hopeful pass, that is).

She was doing things that are not appropriate for a married person, and you are not 100% sure she is/was cheating?
Cheating is being disloyal to one's partner, that is sufficient.

That one hour time spent in his apartment was plenty of time for a full-on, nude, PIV to happen.
Even if they only kissed and groped (which I doubt), that is defined as cheating.
Just being there in his place is so dis-respectable.

Unless there was a recording device present, you do not know if it was an hour, and hour and a half, whatever.

Thirty minutes would do in a pinch.

A quickie in the back seat of an auto.
A kiss, a pinch and a poke!
 

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Absolutely agree, it makes it obvious. What hurts the most is that we were planning on having kids, we were trying, I changed a job for longer paternity leave and many other, but she said that she wanted to divorce me since 10 months and all she did was because she couldn't do it on her own, which I find extremely toxic and basically ruining my life and all my plans.
Listen bud
1- she didnt ruin your life she did you a favor - she showed her face before too late - you got've got STD or childrent. now imagine your life going through divorce and there is now a new guy/guys on your bed with your kids

2- divorce very difficult decision - when there are no kids involved it is about attachments and the disrespectful cheater put you through. feeling jealous and angry of her and the other guys

3- this is a learning lesson - you didnt lose anything but gained life experience the hard way. after divorce and moving you will feel stronger and more confident. you will become selective on who to marry.

my old man taught me couple things - some might find it disrespectful and I'm sorry for saying

1- don't date or marry someone who dated many people
2- dont marry someone with divorced parents
3- dont marry a divorced person until you fully find out why they divorced
4- dont marry someone who still spend even few minutes in a bar when they are above 30 years old.
5- you dont marry a person but you marry a family - if her/his mom/dad cheated she/her will 100% cheat, if her/his sister/brother cheated they will cheat on you, if they they are friends with someone who cheated then they will cheat on you

might be difficult finding that person but no one said marriage and finding the right person is easy

you are doing great - raise your head and walk with confidence - show her what she lost - dont talk to her - dont ask about her.

remember there is always that person somewhere waiting for you
 

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Discussion Starter · #28 ·
How long did you know this women before marrying her?
How much do you know about her past?
Sorry my friend you`ve been suckered in. Your wife is a loose canon and a carousel rider.
Lucky to have lasted 2.5 years, I`ve read many wives are cheating within the first year of being married these days. This is why if I were still young and single, as a guy I`d never get married today.
You should realise unless having evidence your wife is cheating, that she`ll deny everything and lay all the blame on you making accusations that you`re abusive and the bad guy. Be prepared for that.
Other points, don`t be intimate with her, get her out the house if possible and if with her record everything on your phone otherwise she can claim you assaulted her.
Get rid of this skank as quickly as possible and in the most viable way.
At least you are still young enough to make a fresh start and take my advice stay single after this.
I knew her for less than a year.
I knew she cheated to her ex with my friend for about few months.. She claimed at the time they were separated.
I agree it was super dumb to marry her, with so so many red flags especially when I noticed them, for some reason I just wanted to 'try'. To be honest I don't think I can be intimate with her ever, even if she never cheated and all is in my head as she claims.
 

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I knew her for less than a year.
I knew she cheated to her ex with my friend for about few months.. She claimed at the time they were separated.
I agree it was super dumb to marry her, with so so many red flags especially when I noticed them, for some reason I just wanted to 'try'. To be honest I don't think I can be intimate with her ever, even if she never cheated and all is in my head as she claims.
I think at this point you should not even listen to anything she says, and for certain don't believe her. You're divorcing. She will say anything to make that easier for herself.

And it doesn't matter anyway, right? I mean, her claims of innocence are irrelevant at this point. She left with another guy and you're divorcing.

My point is to refocus your thoughts to YOU. Get out of your own head about her. You need to start taking care of yourself first and not worry for a second about her. She has someone else taking care of her now.

Go to a gym, go out with your friends. If you're an introvert then schedule plans and later cancel them. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #30 ·
Quick Update.

My 'wife' started contacting me every 1-2-3 days for basically anything, but mostly unrelated to the divorce.
Some of the messages sent were mostly accusations of things I did bad, some looks like nudges to apologise or change something. I am not sure why she is sending those as she clearly asked for divorce and she did all the things mentioned in the original post. Feel confused, but for now I am mostly ignoring everything.
 

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(Sorry for my english) Me [31] and my wife [29] (No kids) we are now in process of divorcing and here is my story. We are married for 2.5 years now; our relationship was always tough. One night she went out of bed at around midnight and went for a walk, we live in Dublin Ireland, and it was raining, whether was bad overall. I tried reaching her over the phone but there was no signal, she came back 1 hour later and went to bed, refused to talk about this. Next day she was very frustrated, and we fought about small things and she accused me that I am dismissive, not supportive etc. I felt she suddenly changed her behavior toward me. She asked me to go shopping and when I agreed, she said she won't be able to pay attention to me as she will be talking over the phone, when I agreed with that we fought again and postponed the shopping. Few hours later she went shopping alone, 1 hour later I gave her a call just to discover she was in a bar. She refused to share her location and she said she is alone at first at that time the discussion was over. I gave her a 2nd and 3rd call and the things escalated as I demanded the truth, but she only said she will be at home in 30 min to discuss. I went to the nearest bar to find her with our Neighbour and my ex-colleague. I talked with him on private and he shared they were together last night and that he invited her on a walk. At that time my wife left the bar alone and went home. I also went home, and she came to me to discuss the issues. I asked her why she refused to share her location and why she said she was alone, she tried to explain that she was going to share it when she feels it is the right time. I also asked her about the night before walk and she said she was alone, but as I already knew she was not I manipulated her and said that I knew she was at the apartment of our neighbor. At some point she confirmed my suspicious they were there together and tbh she changed the story quite few times. Few days later I decided to ask her to show me her text messages with him and she refused and accused me that I violate her privacy and that I am abusive, and I have trust issues. She declined that they have anything romantic (they both declined) and she said they were just friend. That day she left our home and get temporary accommodation, she also said she is moving out and she wants a divorce. Later I discovered that the guy helped her of moving her things out of our home (that day she asked me where I am and if I will be back at home many times, I was very suspicious). Many other small red flags happened and tbh this is not the first time she went out of home, prior she did the same for 2 months, I also had suspicious as she didn't have solid reason for moving out and acted weird in many ways.

I have moved with divorce documents, and everything is on the way, I feel there is no way back.

She accused me that it is mostly my fault and honestly, I feel bad about it as I was definitely not perfect. She still denies of cheating, and she said I have trust issues and she can't be with someone who is jealous. Also, the thing which broke my heart is that she said we had horrible last 10 months, and she was unhappy, I was dismissive. On the other hand, before this had happened, she pushed me to accept new job mostly because of longer parental leave, we were trying for babies, she didn't seem unhappy to me, we were making plans for the future etc. I feel sad, but I can't accept her behavior and decided to push for divorce especially when she said that she doesn't love me.

Folks what I should have done differently, what should I do now?
Honestly she just sounds like a lowlife cheating skank.

You are well rid of her and your neighbor is a piece of shyt.
 

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Quick Update.

My 'wife' started contacting me every 1-2-3 days for basically anything, but mostly unrelated to the divorce.
Some of the messages sent were mostly accusations of things I did bad, some looks like nudges to apologise or change something. I am not sure why she is sending those as she clearly asked for divorce and she did all the things mentioned in the original post. Feel confused, but for now I am mostly ignoring everything.
Tell her to complain to her boyfriend because you aren't required to listen to her bullshyt anymore.

Block her number and end all communication.

Let the lawyers do it.
 

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I am not sure why she is sending those as she clearly asked for divorce and she did all the things mentioned in the original post. Feel confused, but for now I am mostly ignoring everything.
Why should you care she's sending those messages? Why would you feel confused about it, unless you're harboring thoughts of getting back with her?

Ignoring mostly everything? You shouldn't even have her in your contacts for her to reach you. Why haven't you blocked her? are you window shopping for pain? She should be in your rearview mirror, and all info back and for for divorce, only through your lawyer's office.
 

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Discussion Starter · #34 ·
Why should you care she's sending those messages? Why would you feel confused about it, unless you're harboring thoughts of getting back with her?

Ignoring mostly everything? You shouldn't even have her in your contacts for her to reach you. Why haven't you blocked her? are you window shopping for pain? She should be in your rearview mirror, and all info back and for for divorce, only through your lawyer's office.
All this make sense. I am not really sure why I keep her in my contacts, maybe I still haven't fully accepted the situation or I believe that there is 0.1% chance that she is not what we think she is, but anyway I will block her as this is the best thing to do.
 

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All this make sense. I am not really sure why I keep her in my contacts, maybe I still haven't fully accepted the situation or I believe that there is 0.1% chance that she is not what we think she is, but anyway I will block her as this is the best thing to do.
Blocking her will do you a lot of good. Starting with a first step to move forward by getting her out of your mind.
Remember the adage: out of sight, out of mind.

It's not a matter of believing or not, it's a matter of accepting the fact that she actually is who she is, and that you know who she is, so accept 100% that fact.
 

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(Sorry for my english) Me [31] and my wife [29] (No kids) we are now in process of divorcing and here is my story. We are married for 2.5 years now; our relationship was always tough. One night she went out of bed at around midnight and went for a walk, we live in Dublin Ireland, and it was raining, whether was bad overall. I tried reaching her over the phone but there was no signal, she came back 1 hour later and went to bed, refused to talk about this. Next day she was very frustrated, and we fought about small things and she accused me that I am dismissive, not supportive etc. I felt she suddenly changed her behavior toward me. She asked me to go shopping and when I agreed, she said she won't be able to pay attention to me as she will be talking over the phone, when I agreed with that we fought again and postponed the shopping. Few hours later she went shopping alone, 1 hour later I gave her a call just to discover she was in a bar. She refused to share her location and she said she is alone at first at that time the discussion was over. I gave her a 2nd and 3rd call and the things escalated as I demanded the truth, but she only said she will be at home in 30 min to discuss. I went to the nearest bar to find her with our Neighbour and my ex-colleague. I talked with him on private and he shared they were together last night and that he invited her on a walk. At that time my wife left the bar alone and went home. I also went home, and she came to me to discuss the issues. I asked her why she refused to share her location and why she said she was alone, she tried to explain that she was going to share it when she feels it is the right time. I also asked her about the night before walk and she said she was alone, but as I already knew she was not I manipulated her and said that I knew she was at the apartment of our neighbor. At some point she confirmed my suspicious they were there together and tbh she changed the story quite few times. Few days later I decided to ask her to show me her text messages with him and she refused and accused me that I violate her privacy and that I am abusive, and I have trust issues. She declined that they have anything romantic (they both declined) and she said they were just friend. That day she left our home and get temporary accommodation, she also said she is moving out and she wants a divorce. Later I discovered that the guy helped her of moving her things out of our home (that day she asked me where I am and if I will be back at home many times, I was very suspicious). Many other small red flags happened and tbh this is not the first time she went out of home, prior she did the same for 2 months, I also had suspicious as she didn't have solid reason for moving out and acted weird in many ways.

I have moved with divorce documents, and everything is on the way, I feel there is no way back.

She accused me that it is mostly my fault and honestly, I feel bad about it as I was definitely not perfect. She still denies of cheating, and she said I have trust issues and she can't be with someone who is jealous. Also, the thing which broke my heart is that she said we had horrible last 10 months, and she was unhappy, I was dismissive. On the other hand, before this had happened, she pushed me to accept new job mostly because of longer parental leave, we were trying for babies, she didn't seem unhappy to me, we were making plans for the future etc. I feel sad, but I can't accept her behavior and decided to push for divorce especially when she said that she doesn't love me.

Folks what I should have done differently, what should I do now?
She was most definitely screwing anotger guy. Thank your stars you did not have any crotch goblins with this woman.
 
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