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(Sorry for my english) Me [31] and my wife [29] (No kids) we are now in process of divorcing and here is my story. We are married for 2.5 years now; our relationship was always tough. One night she went out of bed at around midnight and went for a walk, we live in Dublin Ireland, and it was raining, whether was bad overall. I tried reaching her over the phone but there was no signal, she came back 1 hour later and went to bed, refused to talk about this. Next day she was very frustrated, and we fought about small things and she accused me that I am dismissive, not supportive etc. I felt she suddenly changed her behavior toward me. She asked me to go shopping and when I agreed, she said she won't be able to pay attention to me as she will be talking over the phone, when I agreed with that we fought again and postponed the shopping. Few hours later she went shopping alone, 1 hour later I gave her a call just to discover she was in a bar. She refused to share her location and she said she is alone at first at that time the discussion was over. I gave her a 2nd and 3rd call and the things escalated as I demanded the truth, but she only said she will be at home in 30 min to discuss. I went to the nearest bar to find her with our Neighbour and my ex-colleague. I talked with him on private and he shared they were together last night and that he invited her on a walk. At that time my wife left the bar alone and went home. I also went home, and she came to me to discuss the issues. I asked her why she refused to share her location and why she said she was alone, she tried to explain that she was going to share it when she feels it is the right time. I also asked her about the night before walk and she said she was alone, but as I already knew she was not I manipulated her and said that I knew she was at the apartment of our neighbor. At some point she confirmed my suspicious they were there together and tbh she changed the story quite few times. Few days later I decided to ask her to show me her text messages with him and she refused and accused me that I violate her privacy and that I am abusive, and I have trust issues. She declined that they have anything romantic (they both declined) and she said they were just friend. That day she left our home and get temporary accommodation, she also said she is moving out and she wants a divorce. Later I discovered that the guy helped her of moving her things out of our home (that day she asked me where I am and if I will be back at home many times, I was very suspicious). Many other small red flags happened and tbh this is not the first time she went out of home, prior she did the same for 2 months, I also had suspicious as she didn't have solid reason for moving out and acted weird in many ways.

I have moved with divorce documents, and everything is on the way, I feel there is no way back.

She accused me that it is mostly my fault and honestly, I feel bad about it as I was definitely not perfect. She still denies of cheating, and she said I have trust issues and she can't be with someone who is jealous. Also, the thing which broke my heart is that she said we had horrible last 10 months, and she was unhappy, I was dismissive. On the other hand, before this had happened, she pushed me to accept new job mostly because of longer parental leave, we were trying for babies, she didn't seem unhappy to me, we were making plans for the future etc. I feel sad, but I can't accept her behavior and decided to push for divorce especially when she said that she doesn't love me.

Folks what I should have done differently, what should I do now?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks all for your inputs! I also didn't mention that she was visiting a male guitarist for about 3-4 months for preparing for a concert, but at some point I become suspicious as she started not to answer her phone and their visits become more frequent. She deleted her chats with everyone I though she flirts or do anything sexual. And she blame me that I have trust issues and I am jealous. Frankly I did some toxic things to her, mostly some sort of revenge because I found her behaviour unacceptable, I regret about that, but I believe there was no hope of saving this relationship. I never had the same gut feelings or insecurities in neither of my previous relationships. She is accusing me of destroying our marriage and that she had not done anything wrong ever, sometimes I am not sure if this is a gaslighting or I am super bad.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Your marriage has become horribly toxic. Clearly she is cheating, and you've behaved poorly as well. Best to just D and move on, and do your best to be a better husband next time. But you certainly don't deserve to be cheated on.
I agree I did a lot of toxic bs and will try not to do the same ever. I suspect she cheated with 3+ (more likely 5+) people, 2 of them at the same time. Also before we started to date I already knew she cheated on her ex whom I knew with another my friend, so I guess I was biased towards her.
 

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What you should do now is accept that your marriage is over & you are about to be divorced. Consult a lawyer / solicitor / barrister to protect your rights.

Somewhere your communications with your wife went off the rails. She felt abused or unheard. Unfortunately instead of addressing that she turned to other men. Two wrongs don't make a right & here they have destroyed any hope of reconciliation.
 

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Folks what I should have done differently, what should I do now?
Don't get hung up on what you should have done differently, there will be time to figure that out with a therapist, and by reading plenty here on TAM.

'What should you do now?' is the most important thing and you've gotten great advice. Divorce as fast as possible and move on.
The woman you thought was your wife is not yours.
 

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When she finds the next perfect sucker, that becomes her exit affair.

The other's were practice runs!

This partner of yours is a floozy.

Your mate picker is broken-rendered, your wife's is open-ended.
 
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i have to ask

You knew she cheated with 3/5 people, guitarist, neighbor and ex-boyfriend

you caught them at the bar, she went to someone else's house at night etc.

Why did you wait until your wife left you?

she has every right to talk about you as much as she wants, she's out the door and people know you've been abandoned.
 

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Folks what I should have done differently, what should I do now?
What you should have done differently is kicked her to the curb before she left on her own. This woman is not marriage material. She lies freely and hangs out with other men. Be glad she is gone and this happened before you had children.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
i have to ask

You knew she cheated with 3/5 people, guitarist, neighbor and ex-boyfriend

you caught them at the bar, she went to someone else's house at night etc.

Why did you wait until your wife left you?

she has every right to talk about you as much as she wants, she's out the door and people know you've been abandoned.
I suspected those affairs, but I never had a proof of cheating, and she denied every time. Only time I actually caught her was in the bar with the guy and when she admitted been at his apartment for 1h during midnight, and even than she denied anything. My gut feeling tells me she had cheated, so I pushed for divorce, but still I am not 100% sure.
 

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(Sorry for my english) Me [31] and my wife [29] (No kids) we are now in process of divorcing and here is my story. We are married for 2.5 years now; our relationship was always tough. One night she went out of bed at around midnight and went for a walk, we live in Dublin Ireland, and it was raining, whether was bad overall. I tried reaching her over the phone but there was no signal, she came back 1 hour later and went to bed, refused to talk about this. Next day she was very frustrated, and we fought about small things and she accused me that I am dismissive, not supportive etc. I felt she suddenly changed her behavior toward me. She asked me to go shopping and when I agreed, she said she won't be able to pay attention to me as she will be talking over the phone, when I agreed with that we fought again and postponed the shopping. Few hours later she went shopping alone, 1 hour later I gave her a call just to discover she was in a bar. She refused to share her location and she said she is alone at first at that time the discussion was over. I gave her a 2nd and 3rd call and the things escalated as I demanded the truth, but she only said she will be at home in 30 min to discuss. I went to the nearest bar to find her with our Neighbour and my ex-colleague. I talked with him on private and he shared they were together last night and that he invited her on a walk. At that time my wife left the bar alone and went home. I also went home, and she came to me to discuss the issues. I asked her why she refused to share her location and why she said she was alone, she tried to explain that she was going to share it when she feels it is the right time. I also asked her about the night before walk and she said she was alone, but as I already knew she was not I manipulated her and said that I knew she was at the apartment of our neighbor. At some point she confirmed my suspicious they were there together and tbh she changed the story quite few times. Few days later I decided to ask her to show me her text messages with him and she refused and accused me that I violate her privacy and that I am abusive, and I have trust issues. She declined that they have anything romantic (they both declined) and she said they were just friend. That day she left our home and get temporary accommodation, she also said she is moving out and she wants a divorce. Later I discovered that the guy helped her of moving her things out of our home (that day she asked me where I am and if I will be back at home many times, I was very suspicious). Many other small red flags happened and tbh this is not the first time she went out of home, prior she did the same for 2 months, I also had suspicious as she didn't have solid reason for moving out and acted weird in many ways.

I have moved with divorce documents, and everything is on the way, I feel there is no way back.

She accused me that it is mostly my fault and honestly, I feel bad about it as I was definitely not perfect. She still denies of cheating, and she said I have trust issues and she can't be with someone who is jealous. Also, the thing which broke my heart is that she said we had horrible last 10 months, and she was unhappy, I was dismissive. On the other hand, before this had happened, she pushed me to accept new job mostly because of longer parental leave, we were trying for babies, she didn't seem unhappy to me, we were making plans for the future etc. I feel sad, but I can't accept her behavior and decided to push for divorce especially when she said that she doesn't love me.

Folks what I should have done differently, what should I do now?
You did OK, don't worry about it.

She is pushing the narrative that if you can't PROVE she was cheating, then you have no business acting as you do, or demanding that she be accountable. That is a false narrative.

In reality, she is acting JUST AS IF she was cheating. She is being disrespectful of your marriage. She is NOT putting her husband first above all other relationships.

The truth is, there's not that much difference between acting like a person who is cheating and actually being a cheater. (And, for the record, if i had to bet, I would bet that she cheated anyway, but that's besides the point.). The disrespect, the lack of boundaries, the contempt for your feelings and her responsibilities as a spouse are the same.

Divorce. She's doing you a favor by divorcing. In fact, if she's motivated to divorce you, this may be your opportunity to get the best deal you can from a divorce settlement.

And don't worry about "what you could have done differently to save your marriage." The problem is not in you. It is in her selfish nature. She would have stabbed you in the back at some point, just because of her nature. Better now, before your lives get more intertwined than they are.

And NEVER take her back. A leopard can't change her spots.
 

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I suspected those affairs, but I never had a proof of cheating, and she denied every time. Only time I actually caught her was in the bar with the guy and when she admitted been at his apartment for 1h during midnight, and even than she denied anything. My gut feeling tells me she had cheated, so I pushed for divorce, but still I am not 100% sure.
As I posted above, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE 100% SURE. In fact, it's irrelevant. Her disrespect, selfishness and lack of consideration is enough to divorce her.
 

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I suspected those affairs, but I never had a proof of cheating, and she denied every time. Only time I actually caught her was in the bar with the guy and when she admitted been at his apartment for 1h during midnight, and even than she denied anything. My gut feeling tells me she had cheated, so I pushed for divorce, but still I am not 100% sure.
Even if you remove sex from the equation, is it really appropriate for your wife to be in another man's apartment at midnight and hanging at a bar with guys AND lying to you about it?

That said, she is cheating on you. You have to be blind not to see it. What do you need, to see another man's penis inside her? Guess what, even if you did she would still probably deny it. It must have just fallen in there or something ridiculous.


She leaves home without telling you where and won't answer her phone
Her "walk" was with another man
She picks fights over small stuff
She lies saying that she is going shopping, but instead goes to a bar with a couple guys
You have a neighbor and ex-colleague that know it is okay if they ask your wife out on a date (yes, she is dating other men right in front of you)
She lies even when confronted with the truth
She changes her stories
She isn't transparent with her phone and messing apps
She gaslights you
She said she wants a divorce
She has another guy moving her out behind your back

Look at that list. What do you make of all that?
 

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I suspected those affairs, but I never had a proof of cheating, and she denied every time. Only time I actually caught her was in the bar with the guy and when she admitted been at his apartment for 1h during midnight, and even than she denied anything. My gut feeling tells me she had cheated, so I pushed for divorce, but still I am not 100% sure.
she has a history of cheating

she's been visiting the male guitarist for 3/4 months (I'm assuming she went to the guy's house)

She gets out of bed on a rainy night and comes back a few hours later!

She doesn't tell you where she is and you see her at the bar with the man!

you had every proof except catching her in bed,
 

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Move on like her head was on fire. Seriously what is taking you so long? You are the perfect mark for her.
 
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