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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Let's see... where do I begin. We've been married 14 years and together for 16. We did get married a little young at 22 and started having kids shortly thereafter. We've had our ups and downs, as every marriage does, but nothing this major. Without all the back history of my wife's divorced parents, abusive relationships and all the other cruft, our mess started a little over 2 years ago. I knew in my gut something was wrong and it turned out that she had placed a dirty online ad and was having a digital affair with a guy that lived just a few miles away from us. I demanded I see all the emails and she obliged. It sounded an awful lot like there was intent to meet and "see where it went" although they never did. The end result was that she ended the relationship and we moved forward. It took a while to regain trust but eventually I stopped worrying about what she was doing online.

Next scenario started in August just 5 months ago. My wife has a chronic illness that keeps her in bed most days. She happened to go into remission at the beginning of this situation which led her, at least in part I think, to what eventually happened. She reconnected with an ex boyfriend over Facebook. They started communicating, innocent at first, until at some point he broached the subject of whether or not she still thought of him and if she was happy in her marriage. It was about then that her self esteem shot up and suddenly she felt excited and wanted again. Needless to say the "harmless" flirting escalated until I eventually found out that something was wrong. The entire time she was lying and telling me that I was awesome and that I had nothing to worry about. That she was just helping a friend. I ended up getting involved mid-December before it turned sexual. According to her they never went beyond 2nd base although she really wanted to.

Since then we've been all over the map as far as emotions go. I've lost weight and so has she. She's back in to full blown relapse, probably from the stress, and is in bed most days in severe pain. We are seeing a counselor but finding a marriage counselor that isn't faith based and is accepting new patients is difficult in my area and the one we have can only see us once every few weeks. We've both committed on multiple occasions to see this through and to be sure one way or the other if we should divorce, but it often doesn't seem to me that she's being honest. I get so lost in the exact times that these things happen but recently she confessed to me that she doesn't love me like she used to but that she misses that feeling and wants it back.

Just as an extra kick in the nuts, she had another online thing. At least sort of. I again knew something was up and I know that she's home alone all day and sad to be in bed and lonely. I asked her if I went through the internet history if I'd find something I didn't approve of and she said yes. Told me she had placed another ad and was communicating with a couple of guys. Again, plans were being made to meet. She may have just been doing it to see how far things would go, but I don't know and I don't trust much of what she says any more so I'm left to assume the worst.

Her deal, in a nutshell, is that she's having a sexual peak mid life crisis. She's bi-curious and thinks about having sex with other people often. Being curious and stuck in bed with her thoughts leads to some dangerous places. After the 2nd base affair she confessed all of this to me and we had talked about inviting another woman into our bed. We even started looking for someone casually. We'd talk about it during sex and it turned us both on and made the sex that much better. She's still too sick and we're still in counseling so it never went far. And I admitted that maybe at some point I'd be comfortable and confident enough that I'd consider swinging but it'd take some work to get to that point.

But she's impatient that one. And she's selfish, and she's chronically dishonest. And the worst part is that I don't think she's afraid of losing me. I want to help her work through this, but I want her to do it in a safe way and to be honest with me. This business where she goes behind my back is agonizing and the distrust I have is eating me alive. I can't treat her like a teenager and block her internet access. She's got a smart phone any way. I'll never know if what she tells me is the truth because she's already established that she's willing to lie to my face if she feels threatened. I'm just completely lost. I think she's confusing love with hormones. I think everyone goes through a phase of confusion at some point, I mean I did, but I never acted on a fantasy. And it's not like our marriage is bad. In fact, I thought we were doing great at all points in time! She's said numerous times that I deserve better and we've each talked about leaving. I'm honestly afraid that if I do let her leave that she'd hurt herself somehow but recently I said I wouldn't stop her if that's what she truly wanted. We don't make enough for her to have her own place though and her options for friends and family are slim so usually the thought of leaving is brief. I'd even consider a trial separation but I'm afraid to leave her alone in her condition and I'm also afraid of her taking that as a free pass to explore her sexuality while I wasn't in the picture to stop her.

Ultimately, I've lost a lot. I don't find joy in much any more. I have no confidence in myself. I've had a few people say I'm starting to look unhealthy. I've had months of not eating and not sleeping regularly. I love her so much and I want her to be happy and I accept that maybe she'd be happier on her own.

I suppose I'm just wondering if others have been in similar situations and what they've done. I don't want a threesome and I don't want an open marriage. I've read post after post of those ending in blackmail, disease, divorce and even rape. I don't know if her issues are impulse control to the point where she can't even trust herself or if she really is just being selfish and cruel. I have a hard time telling her any of this because it usually ends up being super emotional and then with her being even sicker. It's hard to put my feelings aside out of fear of making her more sick but when she continues to do these things, even while sick, I kind of feel justified in wanting to talk and even in being hurt and angry. I'm not perfect, mind you. I obsess over the details and I push for information. I sometimes feel justified but was told by the counselor that I need to lay off. Easy to say though but then I have to wait 3-4 weeks between appointments! I do understand that she feels alone and since she's not working she's got very few friends. Lately I've wanted nothing more than to put my foot down and make ultimatums but those always sound like dares to me. In the grand scheme of things, I don't think this last online thing is a huge deal but it again bothers me that she did it knowing that I wouldn't approve and when our marriage is so rocky. I'm trying to be patient and understanding and I want so badly to believe her when she says she wants to be with me but I'm starting to feel pushed to the brink and that she only stays because it's better than being alone. I also often wonder if she wasn't sick and had income if she wouldn't have left already. I don't want to be her best worst option. I want her to be in love with me like I am with her which I know is an unfair expectation. I just want her to look at me like she used to. I miss us.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
They're 12 and 8. The 12 year old knows something is up but the 8 year old doesn't seem to. They both know that mom has been sick for years and chalk it up mostly to that. I did tell the 12 year old that his mom and I were having a hard time but we were working it out and not to worry. I also told him that he would be the first to know if anything changed. He's about to start entering in to his own relationships so I thought it was smart to not underestimate his intuition.
 

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You dont find joy, dont have confidence, and are not looking healthy? If healthy, me think you'd be gone by now. If you think the same, cut your losses and remember that by jerking you around she chose to suffer alone. Why should you be there for her now when she was never there for you? Karma is a *****!!
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
It's just not that simple. How do I just "cut my losses" with the woman I promised to spend the rest of my life with? The mother of my children? And it's not that she's never been there for me. Like I said, we've been through some tough times, it's just that this time is bigger than the others. I know my post makes me sound like some emo douche, but I didn't get married to just throw in the towel when it got tough.
 

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Please listen, cut ur losses and get out while you still can. Our world is filled w/ sick, mentally ill people, don't play their game. Seek a good therapist if you need to but you have to remember "YOU ARE GOING TO B OK W/O HER!!!!" You are good enough, strong enough 2 be happy w/o her.
God Bless You!!
Mouse
 

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Please listen, cut ur losses and get out while you still can. Our world is filled w/ sick, mentally ill people, don't play their game. Seek a good therapist if you need to but you have to remember "YOU ARE GOING TO B OK W/O HER!!!!" You are good enough, strong enough 2 be happy w/o her.
God Bless You!!
Mouse
Whoa, whoa, whoa, mouse. He's not here for this kind of assistance. You aren't helping at all right now, only hurting. He's trying to save his family. Do you have ANY experience in this?

Take a break.
 

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Hey Esteban---your wife ain't goin nowhere

She may be looking to sow some wild oats, but with her medical condition---what she is gonna end up with is ONS's

No guy is gonna want to take her on

So you need to deal from that point-----you cannot just watch her go and have sex with other men---that is unhealthy for you---AS IS swinging----play with fire---someone always gets burned

You have a definite problem, and it is in your best interest interest to get her some IC, and hope that, that gets her out of her funk

I can see where she comes up with all of this wanting and longing, as she lays in bed for hour after hour, with nothing but time on her hands, reading and watching TV, where probably 25% of stories on TV are fidelity based, and most everything nowdays is sex based.

If you want this mge to succeed, and get into your golden years---you need to get your wife to work with you on solving her problem, of thinking she has a need for some foreign spice

The real problem for you is, how long can you stand by and watch all of this play out----you seem to be unraveling as we speak
 

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I don't know if her issues are impulse control to the point where she can't even trust herself or if she really is just being selfish and cruel.

The answer to that question is more easier ,then you think.


In a nutshell
She knows you wont LEAVE.. Plain and simple.Am sorry if i come across as harsh..
 

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It's just not that simple. How do I just "cut my losses" with the woman I promised to spend the rest of my life with? The mother of my children? And it's not that she's never been there for me. Like I said, we've been through some tough times, it's just that this time is bigger than the others. I know my post makes me sound like some emo douche, but I didn't get married to just throw in the towel when it got tough.
No, it made you sound like a man in pain with some tough choices to make.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Can you reveal the nature of her illness?


She has an advanced case of Ulcerative Colitis. It's very similar to Crohn's Disease but only affects the lower bowel. Lots and lots of stomach cramping, vomiting and trips to the bathroom.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Whoa, whoa, whoa, mouse. He's not here for this kind of assistance. You aren't helping at all right now, only hurting. He's trying to save his family. Do you have ANY experience in this?

Take a break.
I actually wanted to post something a long time ago and waited until I found this forum. I'm a big fan of not trying to reinvent the wheel and figured the internet makes the world so much smaller, someone else out there had to understand and be willing to help. I chose this site because people here genuinely seem to want to help each other and not that the people telling me to cut my losses aren't trying to help, I'm still glad that you pointed out that if I was looking for the strength to leave then I would have said that.
 

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Esteban
In view of your wife's horible condition, her lonliness, her desire for human interaction, the potential danger if she meets up with someone, your reluctance to separate, and the fact that you love her, I'm going to propose a risky solution.

Why don't you both join an online real-time game? You can both interact with people from all over the world. It can get her mind off affair boards. The risk is that while you are at work, she has the opportunity to carry on, perhaps inappropriately, with other gamers. However, they will not likely be locals.

Give it some thought.
 

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Can you reveal the nature of her illness?


She has an advanced case of Ulcerative Colitis. It's very similar to Crohn's Disease but only affects the lower bowel. Lots and lots of stomach cramping, vomiting and trips to the bathroom.
Damn. That runs in my family. So she has my sympathy.

Just a thought... is she on high doses of codeine for it? That can mess with though processes. In high does it is like taking morphine. Well, it is made from morphine and is highly addictive.
 

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Esteban
In view of your wife's horible condition, her lonliness, her desire for human interaction, the potential danger if she meets up with someone, your reluctance to separate, and the fact that you love her, I'm going to propose a risky solution.

Why don't you both join an online real-time game? Tou can both interact with people from all over the world. It can get her mind off affair boards. The risk is that while you are at work, she has the opportunity to carry on, perhaps inappropriately, with other gamers. However, they will not likely be locals.

Give it some thought.
Scrabble online realtime. It's available on Facebook.
 
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