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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
hello I'm new I was googling somethings and this site popped up I figured someone could give me SOMETHING to go on.

I am 23 years of age with a son whom just is turning two Thursday. My spouse is 38 years of age and we have been in a relationship since I was give or take 10weeks pregnant. Not the biological father.. and I didn't know until that time.

As every relationship we started out amazing. Compliments, time together no stress peaceful relationship. During the course or my son being 6months our relationship turned TOXIC. We fight argue scream daily. Our sex life is non existent not because of me but because he is always coming up with some sort of excuse not to... we even sleep in different rooms! We have two seperate bedrooms! I don't understand? We don't speak and if we do it results in wanting to strangle each other.

I cry constantly. I'm not perfect but I wonder what changed? Everything was amazing everything that was an issue back then we talked about it communicated and it was resolved.

He doesn't kiss hold even watch movies with me.. Makes negative derogatory<---(spell check?) comments. calls me names treats my son differently and I'm just lost. I want to work on my relationship but I don't know how I dont even know if he wants to or whats going on... is there anyone experiencing something similar or could offer a word of advice?
 

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How long did you date your husband before you moved in with him? How about before you married him?

Has he been married or in a long term relationship before? How did that relationship end?

What does he say when you ask him what is going on?

From what you said, your husband is 15 years older than you but not mature enought to know how to tell his wife what is going on with him, what he needs etc.

How much time does he spend on the computer? What he do on it?

Does he keep his cell phone password protected? Does he seem to keep it under his watch all the time?
 

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Hi Letty, and welcome to TAM.

It sounds like the two of you came together in a way that prevented you from getting to know each other fully and introduced some problems. You didn't know you were pregnant when you started dating. I can only imagine how he must have felt when he heard the woman he loved was carrying another man's baby!

Because he was still crazy about you, he decided to make a commitment to you, but may have discovered that he's not thrilled with all the responsibility that comes with being a daddy to a child that is not his. He might feel like a lot has been thrust upon him.

And all this is before you can really see if you're compatible! It's important to remember that in the early stages of a relationship, our bodies produce chemicals that make it hard to see potential problems. After a year or two, those feel-good chemicals vanish and reality can slap us in the face.

It sounds like your relationship is hostile and abusive. This can't be healthy for you or your son! Why do you want to work on a relationship with someone who doesn't respect or want you?

The best way to see IF the relationship can be salvaged may be detach from it. Elegirl has this link as part of her signature because it is so important to situations like yours.

What you should NOT do:

Grovel
Plead
Change your values or beliefs because of him
Demand anything - attention, favors, or gifts

What you SHOULD do:

Follow the 180
Create an exit plan to protect and provide for yourself and your son
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
We dated for about 8months before we moved in with each other. He has been in one long term relationship prior but I don't know he told me about a girl he dated but when her and I spoke she said they never dated ever. so I don't know what is false what's not. He says nothing he just starts nite picking at me... Anything he can find wrong he attacks me in that way then just runs off and goes into his room. The computer he doesn't even use I bought him a brand new one yet to open it..
The phone no password but he deletes everything and is possessive but I know that's just the way he is.... if I go to call someone while.mine is charging he gets mad.. He says I have my own.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Hi Letty, and welcome to TAM.


It sounds like your relationship is hostile and abusive. This can't be healthy for you or your son! Why do you want to work on a relationship with someone who doesn't respect or want you?

son
I want to stay and make my relationship work because I care about him. I don't put the load on having a child on him at all. Not one bit. It's my child so I do everything. I work go to school and take care of both of them. Breakfast is on the table before I leave dinners on the table before he gets home. I make an effort to be with him but just don't get the same in return. I'm there because I feel that something would work if he woould just express what I have done wrong being almost 40 you would think you can tell me whats wrong. I haven't changed a bit! Maybe in looks but Im still me.. I just dont understand why was it something I did kwim?
 

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I doubt it was something that you did that is causing him to act this way. He's acting this way because this is who he is.

You cannot change him. You can only change the way you interact with him.

If he will not tell you what is bothering him and will not work on the marriage to improve it, this is the marriage you have. What you see in him is what you get.

When people first get invovled in a relationship they are high on brain chemicals (we call this 'being in love'). Things settle down once the couple has been together 18-24 months. That's when you find out who you really married. Now you know.

If he will not work to improve the marriage you have a decision to make... either live with whatever he dished out or leave.
 

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I don't know maybe I'm negative today.But a marriage that young that turned that bad for no apparent reason overnight I'de say cut your losses.

Especially I say your young son is better off with no father figure than a bad one.Its possible even though he thought he could handle it he resents having some other mans child in his home to help raise and take your attention away from him .Your little boy shouldn't be considered a "load" .Not saying kids are easy but I wouldn't want to be myself let alone my children to be considered a "load" not to dump on the father in the home...
 
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