[talkabout2112]

My wife had a 6 month long affair with her freinds husband. And he was my freind as well, or so I thought... They live across the street... And yes, it's hell for me.

After she ended it, she came home and confessed. Then We had a huge blow out. And She says, "your giving me hell but I don't see you attacking him". So I walked right over, at 2 am, and proceded to have a yelling match. His wife, her freind hears all about whats going on. 5 minutes later, her girlfreind, OM's wife, is on our door step asking my wife why she did it. How she could betray her like that!. The next day my wife and her exchange a few texts back and forth. And the now X freind posts on facebook.

My wife's other freinds all come to ask my wife if everything is ok. One of them hears the whole story, then goes and tells all the other two or three. They all drop my wife as a freind. She blames me for everyone finding out!

The next day I find out about the physical stuff. Then I completely break down. (I have never felt such aching pain in my head and heart) it was to much to bare... I drove around the neighborhood and realized I should not be driving. I pull into a mutual freinds house and kind of fell apart. I am embarrassed thinking back on it. but My wife said I am the reason everyone knows!!! I try to explain not really, they found out on FB

Wife has used that as the reason she never got over what was done to her after confessing. She has never given much in the way of reconcilliation after the affair. We are now on the verge of divorse.

I need advice. SHOULD I BLAME MYSELF?

I really don't think she has the right to blam me. SHE HAD THE AFFAIR! All after that, she becomes consumed with having this scarlet letter. I feel hurt as she should be worring about our family.

My wife said I could have handled it better. Really? How? She said I Should I have gone to yell at the X freind when his wife wasn't there? I think She had a right to know!

For the record, I was a very good husband! Too good. I think the issue was I never demanded mutual respect! She is also going thru a mid-life crissis. I THINK...
I am now looking out for myself and children. Not giving attention to my wife until she starts seriously looking at how she has been.

 

[45188]

Lol no you shouldn't blame yourself. Not at all. It was HER choice to have an affair. If you have to be that fake / secretive about something that big, don't hang out with people who are going to judge you for it. Besides, your wife is the one who made you go over there and yell at him, right? That was HER IDEA. Now she's getting to enjoy the backlash!

OMs wife did have a right to know. YOUR wife is blame shifting, that's all. Cheaters do that. It's shame portraying itself as anger. As long as she stays angry, she won't feel ashamed. But eventually the shame is going to catch up.

Don't let her off easy - or she'll do it again.

 

[Gaia]

Agreed. Not your fault and she deserves all this. If she didn't want the trouble then she should have made the choice to remain loyal and faithful to you and her friend. She stabbed you both in the back with this affair. She's only getting what she deserves. You should tell her that and agree to divorce if she is threatening you with it. I say you should distance yourself, remain indifferent and aloof ... do the 180 on her arse. She doesn't deserve to be comfortable. Not after what she did.
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[talkabout2112]

Thank you for the replies... Even her family buys into the story that I went around to everyone. Even though I reached out really to only two of our freinds. One already knew.

 

[ChknNoodleSoup]

She's mad people know. We all look back on those moments and wish we could have handled if better, but guess what!? We don't. It's a traumatic experience, I feel her shame but you know what, don't want people to drop you as a friend cuz you cheated? Don't cheat. Cheating has consequences and I'm beginning to think cheaters just don't want to deal with them.