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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi ladies! This is my first post for advice on any site so obviously things have gotten to an extreme point. Before getting married I was a loyal fan of every wedding reality show that you can think of. I also like to event plan for my family and friends, so you can imagine that I had my heart set on planning a great wedding. Long story short, I got pregnant at 22 and was married by 23. My husband and I got married at a court house just 1 month before our daughter was born. At the time I got pregnant I was living in state far from my family because I got a great job there after graduating from college. So after we married at the courthouse, my husband, daughter, and I continued living away from and friends because of our professions. After my daughter was born things went down hill for me. She's a major blessing but at such a young age I lost control of my life. I went from taking care of myself to gaining lots of weight and letting myself go. I then became very insecure with how we got married and started to lament going to the courthouse and throwing away all of my dreams. I had no idea how much it was going to impact my psyche. I feel myself becoming bitter about how I got married and it's starting to impact my relationship. I guess I should add that my husband and I went through a lot before getting married, his infidelity, moving him from one state to the one that I was working in, etc. A wedding would have made everything so much sweeter. Not to mention, our families were really disappointed about not being there to witness our union. I've read sites that say it's tacky to try to have a wedding-like celebration after you're married, but I'm in need of a comeback to kill this bitterness. Any advice?
 

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How long have you been married? You could have a vow renewal ceremony.

You do realize that having a big marriage ceremony won't fix any problems that you have in your marriage, right? You might be blaming the problems on not having a huge wedding but they are probably deeper than that.

Personally, if I had to do it all again, I should've taken my Dad's advice. Saved the money and had a smaller wedding and reception. Unfortunately, my mother and MIL wanted a big show and I was too weak to control them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
How long have you been married? You could have a vow renewal ceremony.

You do realize that having a big marriage ceremony won't fix any problems that you have in your marriage, right? You might be blaming the problems on not having a huge wedding but they are probably deeper than that.

Personally, if I had to do it all again, I should've taken my Dad's advice. Saved the money and had a smaller wedding and reception. Unfortunately, my mother and MIL wanted a big show and I was too weak to control them.
Thanks soccermom2three. I've been married for about a year and a half. I agree that a wedding will not fix any marital problems but I think this has a lot to do with who I am and who I was before getting married. I compromised on not having a wedding and I think all of the major compromises that I've made may be compounding into a big mess. I guess I have some deeper issues to explore. Thanks.
 

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Yes Peachy, you have some bigger issues to deal with.

First, you are a new mom, a new wife and also isolated from your support people; family and close friends. This will really throw you and everything you thought you knew about yourself. You're lonely.

You're fixating on this wedding as if the compromise somehow damaged who you thought you were. Well, partly true but not in the sense you may be thinking. You became a parent. Need to repeat that... You became a parent. That means everything you do and think has been altered because being a parent means you must put the needs of that baby before your own. Doing so, without the loving support of family and friends, not to mention a loving husband, can make you feel lost. Fixating on the wedding only means that your wedding was a huge compromise, and yet you happily made that compromise because at the time it was the right thing to do.

What you feel now will not last. It feels like you're heading for a half life, but it won't last I promise.

Here's what you can do now. Make new friends and find interests that you care about. Join mothers groups or baby/mom exercise programs, they have them at ymca's and other places. Join a church if you are a believer. Churches can be a fabulous place to make meaningful connections with other people who have similar values.

You and you h need to spend more time together without the baby. I know it's hard, but put a lot of effort into making it happen. Both of your lives have changed dramatically and you're both drifting in different directions. It's time to grab onto each other and reconnect to support each other.
 

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What will a fancy ceremony do for your marriage that you can't do yourself?

All a wedding is it's a big fancy ceremony in which you get to feel special that costs thousands of dollars and requires months of tedious planning. The only real reason every little girl grows up wanting one is that the expectations of this event are blown way out of proportion. - Thanks to Disney movies and television.

Now hear me out ladies.

It doesn't have to be this way. The wedding you get isn't the end game of everything you might have been looking forwards to before some happily ever after. On the contrary, it's a new beginning to a lot of hard work at first. PeachyKeen you've already got the baby out of the equation. What do you say about taking this time now to plan for a small wedding reception and maybe a big vowel renewal in a few years.

OR what about taking this time now to do everything you always wanted to do before a wedding with your husband? I'm talking about a couple dance lessons together, trying wedding cake, getting a family portrait together with your baby, getting your whole family together for your anniversary to finally meet each other. It's not going to be real great but each one of these activities is something you can check off of your To-Do list instead of pining over a big wedding and doing nothing.
 

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You've gotten excellent advice. I too had the princess wedding dream and it got wrestled away from me by my sisters cousins, aunts, etc. The day turn out lovely but if I had to do it again I would take off half a day and go in the chapel of our church after stopping at the grocery store to pickup flowers.

A family celebration of your anniversary would be a fine substitute. You could renew your vows there.
 

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I did not have a fancy wedding. Did not even wear a white dress. We had a low key ceremony, had a party with family and friends and used the money we saved to buy our first house. We have been married over 20 years and have raised decent children to adulthood. Nothing against a big wedding. Just wasn't what we wanted.

It has nothing to do with the the font on invitations or the color scheme of bridesmaids gowns. It has EVERYTHING to do with the vows exchanged.
 

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A wedding isn't going to fix, or "sweeten" your bitterness. You need to find a way to embrace what you have before you can celebrate having it.

I suggest counseling, then marriage counseling if needed. Otherwise you'll have an expensive party that you realize doesn't make you any less resentful of giving up your old life, having your daughter and whatever shortcomings your husband has.

Once you are in a better emotional state, THEN pick an appropriate time, like your 5 year anniversary, to renew your vows. Work on getting into shape and planning that and your daughter will be old enough to include as a little flower girl.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Ladies thanks so much for all of your AMAZING replies. Your perspectives have helped me out a lot, especially with reflecting on the deeper issues. I have to admit that my spirituality and the importance of family comes into play here because I wanted our marriage to be "blessed" in a church and I wanted our families to meet...especially because we're from two different states. My husband is absolutely amazing and perhaps I just wish that we just had those memories to cherish and share with our daughter one day. I'm also one of 5 girls and the first to be married and I don't think my family was super happy about not being able to see me get married or be there for the birth of their first grandchild because she was born in another state. Hopefully, as suggested, our 5th year of marriage will be a great time to celebrate and bring everyone together. Perhaps everything that we've gone through and survived up until that point will make our renewal even sweeter. We just left the Children's Hospital yesterday after our daughter was hospitalized for 5 days and we've gone through so much more. Any celebration after this point will be well-deserved. Thanks again ladies.
 

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I've read sites that say it's tacky to try to have a wedding-like celebration after you're married, but I'm in need of a comeback to kill this bitterness. Any advice?
I know two young women who got court marriages when they got pregnant and then went on to have the 'real' wedding a year or two later. Nobody cares any more.
 

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There's nothing wrong with having a big wedding later. That is what one of my best friends did, what my cousin did, and what my brother did.
 
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