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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Dear all,

I guess some of you have read my story and some of you may read it for the first time.
I do not want to go through it as it is painful and embarrassing that I never new the man that was next to me for 7 years. He not only played a role for me, he played a role for my whole family, friends, neighbors etc.
"Enfin" the long story short he went to work in his country and few months after that decided to dump the baggage (that must be me). He is decided and we will get a divorce because there is no love left and no trust - the man I considered my best friend never existed:) The funny thing is that he never had a problem with the rich me - he had a problem with no money (after he spent them all ) me:)
Anyhow my question to you is how does it go: I mean this process of shame, grief etc. I want to move forward and decided that he punished me enough for things I did for his sake so I decided I do not want and do not deserve to punish myself more by suffering.
I need some guidance through the process - I guess I can go to counseling but I need to know from people who have been in the same spot and now are better.
How did you get better? A friend of mine who got through a very messy divorce said I should quote "get back in the game" but I find myself reluctant to do this because it is not who I am.
I want to be well with myself and most of the times I am but sometimes , some days like today things get pilled up and I burst. I do not want that, I do not want those glimpse of pain for a man who clearly does not deserve me.
I also have a lot of anger towards him because I feel I did not deserve what he did to me and the things he keeps doing but I want this anger to stop because is not constructive.
I am in a better place now, I will go to an MBA, I will move my life to another country (his country) however this was planned half an year ago and can't go back.
Maybe I should mention I am in EU - and I am also moving to another European country - couple of hours flight from home - better climate.
I do not move for him - I love that country, the climate and the people long before I've met him. I want my life to go on without him and I need to find out from you the steps.
I guess I also need reassurance , pats on the back and encouragements that finally things will be OK, I will be well, that the hurting glimpse will get scarce and the pain will pass, that I'll feel whole again.
I would really appreciate your input.
 

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Sorry for your pain.

Find an individual counselor (IC) and work with them to understand how this happened and how to avoid it in the future and to become the confident woman that you know you can be.

Happy times ahead,
Stretch
 

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I guess I also need reassurance , pats on the back and encouragements that finally things will be OK, I will be well, that the hurting glimpse will get scarce and the pain will pass, that I'll feel whole again.
I would really appreciate your input.
I think you are well on your way!! If you need some inspiration, repeat these to yourself:

Positive Daily Affirmations For Success
1. I am successful.
2. Everything I do turns into success.
3. I am filled with success.
4. Success comes effortlessly to my direction.
5. My success is contagious, other people like it, seek it and respect it.
6. I attract positive-minded people to me; I draw all things positive to myself.
7. I am very fortunate to work at what I love to do.
8. I make powerful and enjoyable business relationships and many of my business contacts are now my friends.

Positive Daily Affirmations For Relationships
1. I am a confident and positive person, and confident and positive persons gravitate toward me everyday.
2. I know who I obviously am and what I like in personal relationships.
3. I am attracting powerfully positive and healthy people into my life.
4. I am caring, smart, supportive, loyal, and fun to be with.
5. I feel completely at ease and comfortable with all types of people.
6. I am winning in all my relationships.
7. I am a positive and valuable contributor to my relationships.
8. I possess complete ability to articulate my thoughts and feelings to everyone, and I express myself wisely.
Choose to live in happiness, and it will come. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but it will always materialize when you are doing the things you should.
 
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
First of all everything will be ok with time. More information needed. How long have you been separated? Any kids?
Thanks Thjor. Of course I know that everything will be OK with time. What I want to know things from somebody else who had been through this like the phases that follow: I mean for me was denial, acceptance, anger, grief and now I do not want to think about it because I refuse to be hurt.

So there are almost three months. The issue is that I had never expected it in a million years. We do not have kids thanks God. I just want to understand the process. This is all.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I think you are well on your way!! If you need some inspiration, repeat these to yourself:



Choose to live in happiness, and it will come. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but it will always materialize when you are doing the things you should.
Thank you for this. I do have a more than positive approach to life:) And I know everything about positive affirmation, replacing negative thoughts. I have the tools. I just want to know the process that comes after divorce - what are the feelings that come along and in what phase. I want to be able to recognize them for what they are and move through them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Sorry for your pain.

Find an individual counselor (IC) and work with them to understand how this happened and how to avoid it in the future and to become the confident woman that you know you can be.

Happy times ahead,
Stretch
Yes I will but in my experience what the professionals lack is their own experience in the matter. They all have clinical experience or to some extent some. Most of them can't tell the patient what he/she will feel or how the feelings will come so I just need to hear from people that experienced it.
For example, I know it is a very sad example, but when dealing with my mother's death what helped me very much was that I knew I will go through denial, guilt, from one edge to another - too much social activity to isolating myself, trying not to think about it or to numb the pain and the healing will came with the acceptance of grief.

I guess what I am trying to say is that people deal differently with grief so I just need some direction - because if I know what to expect more or less - it will be easier for me to move on.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Time.

Time is the healer, and you cannot rush time.
Yes I know all about time however I want to know what does it feels afterwards. I am living to Spain in a few weeks and I am struggling with my reaction - am I going through grief or he will push up my anger triggers and I will want to strangle him
( metaphorically speaking). I need to know if our common friends that are more his friends will judge me. I am a more private person and I totally dislike going around and making people see him for the fake character that he is. The issue is that he already did this - I mean all our common friends - that he got to know that I am the villain and that he left me because ...I am not so clear on what I did:) not that I care about his make believe stories but I don't like to be treated like the big bad which.
And well there are several things that I do not know how to react to. As in my in laws that are really hurt because of this and I feel pity for them because they are old and sick and this is the last thing they needed; them I still care for, they were my family for 7 years, I learnt to love them can't undo this.
I wish we could discuss as grown up adults and move on with our lives without hurting people around us. I guess I just want peace and do not understand his hate for me and he can't explain it and we will need to interact with one another in a civil way. I have no feelings for him whatsoever but I still fell glimpses of the pain from time to time.
Kind of sums it up.
Thanks.
 

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Yes I know all about time however I want to know what does it feels afterwards. I am living to Spain in a few weeks and I am struggling with my reaction - am I going through grief or he will push up my anger triggers and I will want to strangle him
( metaphorically speaking). I need to know if our common friends that are more his friends will judge me. I am a more private person and I totally dislike going around and making people see him for the fake character that he is. The issue is that he already did this - I mean all our common friends - that he got to know that I am the villain and that he left me because ...I am not so clear on what I did:) not that I care about his make believe stories but I don't like to be treated like the big bad which. And well there are several things that I do not know how to react to. As in my in laws that are really hurt because of this and I feel pity for them because they are old and sick and this is the last thing they needed; them I still care for, they were my family for 7 years, I learnt to love them can't undo this.
I wish we could discuss as grown up adults and move on with our lives without hurting people around us. I guess I just want peace and do not understand his hate for me and he can't explain it and we will need to interact with one another in a civil way. I have no feelings for him whatsoever but I still fell glimpses of the pain from time to time.
Kind of sums it up.
Thanks.

Is there another woman involved?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Edgya are you in daily contact with your husband?
O.M.G noo:) He will eat me and spit me out:) No, no I have not speak to him for two weeks and then I needed to speak to him about some papers.
He is very, very angry with me - whatever I say makes him mad - he seems like he hates me but I couldn't figure out why and I don't torment my head with it. However tomorrow is his birthday - if I'll say something will be bad, if I don't say anything it will be also bad so I wish I would have some directions as how to act around him as we will need as I said to be civil to each other.
I will have a lot of fun in Spain:)
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Is there another woman involved?
I don't know and right now he can have a harem for what I care:) I just need him to be discreet until we divorce if there is anybody. However I don't think so because if he had somebody he would want a divorce yesterday instead he didn't do anything and is waiting for me like always. I am the one who wants things to be closed between us because if he does not care for his life I value mine. I guess he is too concentrated on hating me to have space for another feeling.
 

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I don't know and right now he can have a harem for what I care:) I just need him to be discreet until we divorce if there is anybody. However I don't think so because if he had somebody he would want a divorce yesterday instead he didn't do anything and is waiting for me like always. I am the one who wants things to be closed between us because if he does not care for his life I value mine. I guess he is too concentrated on hating me to have space for another feeling.
In order to give you advice I just want to understand your husband's strange behavior.

It is very odd for a man to suddenly hate a good, devoted wife for no reason.

Usually when a spouse acts this way it is because there is another person involved, and in order to hide their adultery some people will actually turn the focus on the innocent husband or wife and blame them as a way to hide their indiscretions.

Edgya did you do anything that could cause him to hate you like this?

Did he catch you flirting with or talking to another man, or doing something you weren't supposed to? It is just very odd for a guy to overreact like this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 · (Edited)
In order to give you advice I just want to understand your husband's strange behavior.

It is very odd for a man to suddenly hate a good, devoted wife for no reason.

Usually when a spouse acts this way it is because there is another person involved, and in order to hide their adultery some people will actually turn the focus on the innocent husband or wife and blame them as a way to hide their indiscretions.

Edgya did you do anything that could cause him to hate you like this?

Did he catch you flirting with or talking to another man, or doing something you weren't supposed to? It is just very odd for a guy to overreact like this.
No he did not catch me with anything. I know why he does it but it seems childish to me.
He says I didn't support him: as in I nagged him to study more in the two years he did almost nothing. And this was for his own good as he learnt for himself when he started working.
He blames me for living Spain although was his decision.
He also blames me for the fact he is not making enough money right now and loosing his "good life" - as in the life he had a well paid job and did nothing else with his life.
He blames me for spending my money and for being able to make more money than him and not appreciating what he calls "my luck" more - which in fact was always a lot of study and hard work.
He also wanted me to be more of a house wife like his mother but I had no time, I was busy making money.
And ah I have some more things like I shouldn't nag him for playing computer games for hours each day, I shouldn't nag him for dragging me out with his drunken friends whom just wanted to get drunk and irritated me to no end. And the list goes on but basically on the same tune..:)
Oh and the main reason, the root of all evils is not having money anymore. And this is my all my fault:) He does not see life as having it ups and downs and acts immature, in my opinion, but I am the big bad wolf:)
 

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Well, he sounds like what in America we would call a "flake". He wants to live the life of a teenager and you are getting in his way.

Well, not much you can do.

Here is the 180. Even though you are not talking to him or living with him, some of the steps can help you detach emotionally from him and move on. The 180 is geared towards spouses who are being cheated on, but they can apply to your situation also.

So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.
 

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After you go through all the stages of grief...some more than once...you will eventually arrive at acceptance.

Once you arrive at acceptance, the feeling is just not there, or if it is it does not cause you the pain it did previously. Acceptance gives you the ability to fill that empty hole with something more life affirming. What that is is up to you.
 
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Well, he sounds like what in America we would call a "flake". He wants to live the life of a teenager and you are getting in his way.

Well, not much you can do.

Here is the 180. Even though you are not talking to him or living with him, some of the steps can help you detach emotionally from him and move on. The 180 is geared towards spouses who are being cheated on, but they can apply to your situation also.

So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.
Thanks,

I don't want to be manipulative as I do not want to be in this relationship anymore. And I can't tell him that I love him because I do not love him anymore. He crushed any bit of feeling I was having for him.
And you are right he is a little immature, easily manipulated by my MIL.
I can't be jealous on somebody I am not interested in anymore and besides I am not jealous by nature.
And I respect myself far too much to be pleading with anybody. Basically life for me goes on with or without him.
The pain I have is for the lies and the injustice I've been through and the fact that I am made to look like the villain..
Enfin, this is life:)
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
NEW DEVELOPMENT

As I tell you before I am going to Barcelona soon in order to make the fist payment at MBA, to get the Spanish ID, to met the professors as well as start applying at jobs through the University's labor department.

Enfin, I am calling my husband because my MIL told me that I am welcomed in their house anytime so is easier than to pay for a hotel as well.

So I speak to my husband and he is sure no problem, my father of I will pick you up at the airport. And then he said please ask my mother because is her house (his tenants didn't live his house yet).
So I speak to my MIL who is very mean and starts saying things like maybe you should go to a hotel etc. and that is up to my husband and when I tell her he said yes she does not like it at all.
Anyhow after solving this issue I speak to my husband and O.M.G. I can't believe what he says. First of all he strats again that he wants to be alone bla, bla and I told him that I understood, I moved on and as soon as everything is in place and solved between us we can each move on with our life. He does not like it and then he says that I can stay at his house for few months when I start the MBA and then he wants to have his intimacy/ privacy with whomever he will meet.
And I am telling him that I am OK and on board with it , because I really am and also that as soon as we solve all the papers between us we can go along and divorce.
Guess what guys??? He does not want a divorce!!! And I am the big bad wolf for saying I want a divorce, he just wants his intimacy and his life... WHAT??? I can't believe it . I told him that I would like to move on with my life and be free if does not want to be with me anymore and does not love me. That is not fair to keep me tight when he wants his own life. That I also have the right to a new start. The discussion was calm and mannered and he is telling me ( after everything he's done, after living me when I was broke and scheming with his mother behind my back) that he does not know me... I told him that I never pretended to be anybody else that who I am and he goes like yes I hid from you things that did not concern you.
Yes right like dumping me when I wasn't rich anymore and planning this with his mother.
Than he says that he is very sorry that he feels like he is disappointing a lot of people - he speaks about my friends and my family and without realizing he let it escape that he needs to be without me because of the people who need him and ask him too (his mother) and that I shouldn't divorce. WHAT?
I do not see the hour I can put behind me this family.
Anyhow he is also very much concerned about the divorce - one that in Spain I have a lot of rights and he is like he does not want a divorce he just wants a life without me... Well no can't do ..I want to be able to get married again one day or even if I don't I will refuse to be tied to a guy who abandoned me and who does not love me and does not want to be my husband anymore.
Is this SELFISH of very SELFISH - I couldn't believe it..
 

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Edgya...

Your husband is insane. Nuts. Crazy.

He wants an open marriage and the freedom to sleep with other women. But he doesn't want to officially divorce you to save himself the social embarrassment. Is he Catholic?

Cut off all contact, find an apartment of your own, get your schooling situated. Then file for divorce. Stop talking to him and his family. There is no more reason to talk to him.

Stop being nice to him. Stop being accommodating. You have my permission to act like an arrogant American with him.
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