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Dear friends,

This is the second time I write in this forum. I wrote a post one year ago, seeking advise on my jealous/angry wife. This is my last post, for some context: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/252786-jealous-wife.html.

Things have slightly improved, as my wife tolerates my family a bit more than before, which is good. She still doesn't get along with them, but at least tolerates that I talk to or visit them. On the other hand, she continues being a perfectionist and getting disproportionately upset and angry for minor things, which is very frustrating for me.

I have been thinking about separation for several months and things are a bit worse now since I have fallen in love for someone else from school. I recently started a 4-year Ph.D. in international affairs, where I have discovered wonderful friends and people, with whom I share common interests and values. I am enjoying this wonderful part of my life, being a student again after some years of practice, surrounded by value-driven people who care about very meaningful things just like me. I feel free and very happy. I believe am evolving as a person and I have been wanting to share this experience with my wife. But she is simply not open to talk about the things that interest me, or to hang out with my Ph.D. friends. She literally gets bored when I talk about my things and expressly rejects my invitations to hang out with my friends. As long as I prepare food for her before I go hang out with my friends, she is fine with me spending time with my new community.

Among my group of friends, there is a girl who fascinates me as a person and who I find attractive as a woman. We are in the same program, doing PhD research on similar topics, and we can spend hours talking about so many little things that are important and interesting to us. Things I cannot talk about with my wife because she simply gets bored. Anyways, I have simply fallen in love for the other woman, just by spending time at school and by hanging out in group. I have had this feeling inside of me for the last four months and it just grows and grows with the passing of the days.

This past weekend, I went to school to do some research and ran into her at the library. We decided to go for a quick bite during lunchtime, which we did. This is the very first time we have had a private time. We then went for a walk to the park. And at the park, we talked for hours and one conversation led to another, and so I confessed to her that I had developed deep feelings for her. She confessed me she felt the same way but didn't want to tell me because she knew I am married. And now, after these beautiful confessions, I'm incredibly happy but also scared. Because I have never felt so in love with anyone else in my life, including my wife.

I want to wait for a few days before I do something stupid. However, this situation has made me realize I am actually not happy in my marriage, and it gives me some hope that I could be with someone that truly makes me happy. Someone who accepts me for who I truly am, and that shares the my core values. My wife is a beautiful woman person and a very loving one, but being married to her during the past 2 years hasn't been easy. I have developed migraines from her being constantly angry at me. And I have felt in a cage from not being able to share with her a big part of my life (mainly my family and my professional/intellectual interests). Less importantly, but also important, we haven't had sex for the past year even when I have constantly expressed her my sexual needs. I constantly seduce her using my best techniques (which, from past experiences, I know they can work) but I haven't been successful with her.

I really don't know what to do. I am willing to take any action to save my marriage, but my underlying concern is that even when things have been stable between us, I have never felt truly happy. We do not have kids and have been married for two years.

Whatever decision I take, I just want to continue being a one piece person and live a happy life. I hurts me being so much to be in love with another woman ... as well as knowing that she loves me back ...

It it normal to be this in love with someone that is not your wife? It this a sign I have to change something in my life?
 

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You have two independent issues at hand. (one made you only realize the other)

- Are you happy in your marriage and if not what are willing to do about it?
You don't have sex with your wife, she is angry at you and you developed at least some psychosomatic issues. Does not look too happy to me. So either fix it if you want it to work or move on and divorce. Seems like your wife isn't really happy too.


- Do you want a relationship with this other woman because you think you would be happier with her in the long run than with your wife?
If you really think that then do the right thing and end the marriage before you start something new.
If you think it's just some infatuation with a woman who gives you attention and shares your interests then don't get her hopes up either.
No matter how you decide on the relationship with the other woman, you have to resolve your problems with your marriage or it's just going to be a big, big mess.
 

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No one can sort through your feelings but you, but here's a bit of reality you need to face if you want to pursue this other woman.

1. Divorce your wife, completely.
2. Live totally alone for a year and be single.
3. Then after a year, see if the other woman is still available and awesome.

I'm going to share one of my strongest opinions on this situation, and you may disagree... Again, it's from my experience :

You're trying to fill a hole right now. When 2 people come together because of a mutual need, they often drift apart once that need has been satisfied. This is because the satisfaction slowly brings to light the fact that that need is no more. Healing comes from WITHIN, not externally. You can't learn to be happy through another person. Another person AUGMENTS the happiness that YOU discover within yourself. You can't make this discovery until you learn to be OK alone, for a length of time.

Some people reach the end of this journey (or realization) while with another, but more slowly, because codependency makes us feel we NEED that other person to live life and reach our goals. Once we learn we can do anything on our own, we don't need that person so strongly anymore.

Do you NEED this woman to complete your ph.D? No. Do you NEED her to complete your life? Your heart probably says yes, because that's the HOLE you are trying to fill, that cannot be satisfied by your wife at this moment.

If she held back her feelings until now, knowing you were married, she was trying to do the honorable thing. She WAS doing the honorable thing. Now you have teased the truth from her, and this secret loving feeling will grow and consume you both. She was trying to do the right thing, and based on what YOU do, it encourages her to become just another woman that engages with a married man. Like it or not, your subconscious will kick in at some point and realize this, it will realize what she was willing to do, and she won't seem as high on that pedestal as before.

What she should be doing, if she wants a long term, healthy relationship, is staying far away from you until you are divorced, healed, and available. You are not for her... Yet. I'm not saying that you will never be for her.

You've now planted a seed you shouldn't have sewn. Just think about what I've said, and I wish you all the best.
 

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It's interesting how the brain works - you spend, by your own admission, a lot of time with this woman. Doing fun stuff. Not sharing bills, not doing any of the boring, drab, things that you have to do with your wife. OF COURSE you like her. Because you're investing a lot of time and emotional energy with her that you aren't with your wife. But picture what things would be like if you had to share finances, housework, mortgage etc. with her.

I think you know, as you seem to experience some conflict, that when you started to develop feelings for her you should have cut off all contact that isn't required by your PhD program. But you didn't. You kept seeing her. And you told yourself your wife was OK with it because you said you were off to hang out with your university buddies? If she really knew the extent of your feelings for this woman, can you REALLY say she would be OK with you hanging out with her? I think you know the answer. You just don't like it.

Cut off all contact with this other woman. That's what she is. Minus the sex. You're devoting all this time to another woman when by your own admission, your marriage is in TROUBLE. Spend time with your wife. Take her on dates. Go to marriage counseling. Of course you don't feel connected with your wife now, you're not spending any quality time with her and you're not remotely invested in her emotionally. You obviously don't respect her very much either, if you're confessing your feelings to another woman while remaining married to her. The feelings of guilt and conflict you're experiencing are your conscience. Listen to it.

If things don't work out with your wife, do the honorable thing for BOTH women and yourself and get a divorce before you see this other woman. If she is the love you claim, you can wait that long for her best interests. And she will know that way that when you pledge your love to a woman for life, that it actually means something...
 

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Stop blaming your wife for the deterioration in the marriage. Didn't you have anything to do with it?

Don't stoop so low to be a cheater. Divorce your wife and then go shack up with your PhD girlfriend.


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If you are not in love with your with divorce her and then move on. It sounds like your wife would be a hard person to live with.
 

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Please divorce your wife, you are in love with someone else & it's not going to get any better if you try save your marriage, you'll still be in love with someone else.
You said you're incredibly happy since the other woman has same feelings.
You can't save a sinking ship (your marriage) & you'll always wonder "what might have been" if you stay married.
Life's too short to stay unhappy & walking on eggshells around your grumpy wife.
You & your wife are just incompatible, end it before you cheat.

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Sounds like you are in an emotional affair. Yes. They exist. I know first hand.

This woman might be great. Or she might be a fantasy. You have fallen in love with a fantasy and you want an escape from your marriage. We clearly understand.

All the other posters are right. If you are unhappy with your marriage, divorce and THEN date this woman. She might not be as great as you think once you are single.

Statistically very few marriages between the "cheating man" - you and the "affair partner" - this great woman - will survive. I think the number thrown around is 3% although some TAM posters here have successfully pulled that off.

Every minute you spend with your new friend is time and energy diverted from your wife and marriage, and it will snowball worse the more you interact with this woman.

Basically, you have two options. Divorce your wife, or stop seeing this other woman. There is no middle ground. You cannot have both a marriage and a "friendship" to this woman. It is not her fault, but just her existence is a threat to your marriage.

Make a choice.

BTW: I have been suffering through this for the last two years. It's going to be difficult for you either way. Stay here on TAM. We can help you regardless of the path you take.
 

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It does not seem like you have enough in common with your wife anymore. You are developing your intellect and she likely is not. I bet a divorce would be a relief to both of you.
 
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Just like everyone else has said, you are at a fork...don't stand there, pick a path. That's all. Either stop everything you are doing with this woman or divorce your wife. Honestly, at this point you may as well divorce her. The grass will be so much greener elsewhere and you may need to see for yourself it's the same shade.
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I am willing to take any action to save my marriage
If this is true, then it should be obvious what you need to do.

Immediately and absolutely cut all contact with the other woman.

Do you really need this spelled out for you?
 

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Immediately and absolutely cut all contact with the other woman.
Here's my take.

It will take a lot of effort from us to convince him he needs to cut contact with the woman. And even if he accepts he has to to that, IMO he won't be able to go no contact, not without his wife on his side demanding it, but he cannot tell her. He is already in the fog and the woman also expressing her interest has him trapped.

IMO this story will get worse before it gets better. I hope OP stays very active on this site because he has good chance of losing BOTH women over this.
 

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It will take a lot of effort from us to convince him he needs to cut contact with the woman.
Then it's hopeless.

It's like someone saying :there's an elephant standing on my foot and it really hurts I'll do anything to stop this pain in my foot", and someone posts "well you need to get the elephant off your foot" and the person with elephant on their foot not realizing that's going to solve the problem.

Or something like that.
 
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