[Shaunee]

I will try and keep this as simple as possible but its actually quite complicated. Im with a man who i believe is manipulative and selfish. Weve been together for a year now and even though i know i need to, i just cant break away.

He told me a bunch of lies while we were 'friends with benefits' - i fell in love with this witty and what seemed confident and popular guy. His ex found out that he was dating someone else and on a regular basis would call and text me nasty things that he had done to her - i brushed this off hoping that they were all lies and thought she just wanted him back. His past is very messy and i felt sorry for him, sorry that he had no parents around etc...In return he would seem really interested in my life by listening to me and discussing all the neat things i had done before meeting him. Fast forward now, he doesnt have any interest in 'me', when im upset and need a hug he just looks away until im so obviously down and out by the time he does hug me its a cold and obviously forced...When i bring an issue up, for example 'hun, instead of playing your xbox all day why dont we go for a walk?' he'll say 'yep soon' well soon never does come an i get really frustrated then feel bad and feel like im nagginf him. I try and discuss our issues (hes not working, has nothing to do with his kids, has a drinking problem etc) he fobs me off and says that all i want to do is argue. I feel like im going crazy!!! I pay all our bills, keep the house immaculate, look after his needs - even before my own... because i love him but it hurts so bad because i feel as though nothing im doing is enough,its never appreciated.

I have never hit a man or been beaten in my life but im guilty of hitting this one and i feel so bad for it. He frustrates the hell out of me and i just lose it,when ive hit him in the past he cries and eggs me on more saying things like 'go on!!! do it!!! hit me!!!' then i do and he sobs. I instantly feel a lot of guilt because i dont want to hurt him, i want him to stop emotionally abusing me. Weve tried counciling but he never sticks to his words, he tells the councillor this and that then when we get home its back to the same old ****. He plays with my mind and says 'i dont want u anymore' while we're argueing then 10 minutes later he'll say 'oh im sorry, i love you' then expects me to drop it and gets angry at me if i dont. It hurts being told that by him because i love him dearly and show it yet im expected to put up with this? We use to have lots of sex, now he withholds it and says that because i want to argue all the time that hes not in the mood for it. He cheated on his ex multiple times and im scared that will happen to me even though he promises not to, he says im 'the one' and makes jokes about how he wants to change my potty pan etc when im older but then i think if we're gonna work either i have to put up with the **** and shut my mouth or he has to shape up and get the help he needs...Im attractive, strong and independant. He was attracted to this in the beginning (his 3 exs were the same) but now i feel as though having those traits is a threat? Its not until i get to boiling point and state that ive had enough that he begs for me to stay, says we belong together, says he'll change etc its just so darn tiring and hard to deal with.

Gosh im annoyed right now at the thought of him going out clubbing while we're having this break, then lieing to me about it...carrying on with his daily routine while im sitting here rugged up on a couch hurting and writing this blog for support and advice. Have any of you been through something similar? What were your experiences? How do i leave without hurting him too much? How do i stay away if he calls and shows up non-stop professing his love?

 

[bribrius]

in this day in age. he might be a good catch. he isnt cheating on you. doesnt appear to do any hard drugs. good portion of people seem to not work anymore, i dont know why but that seems the new norm. And if he pisses you off you know you can slap him around.
he really could be a good catch

But if you really want to leave him, show him the door. he will latch on to another woman like you and hang around her house and play video games. She might even be happy with him to know he is home doing that instead of screwing other women like her last boyfriend.
People these days, well, the expectations of them have gotten pretty low. A pulse and a brain makes some a worthy candidate.

If you want him to stay away, just keep slapping him but do it harder. Eventually he will either leave and be gone, or get a restraining order on you. Either way he will most likely stop contact. And dont give him money. He will go find a woman that slaps him less hard and gives him money.

 

[Jellybeans]

If you keep doing the same, you should expect the same.

Oh and you "can" break away. You just choose not to.

It doesn't get better with an abuser. It gets worse.

If you already know that he's not treating you right, why do you stay? Do you value yourself so little that you are willing to put up with mistreatment? Where is your dignity?

Good luck with that.



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[Jellybeans]

Curious--what kind of things did his ex say he did to her? And has he done them to you?



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[JJG]

I think you sound very bad for eachother and should probably go your seperate ways, but as you have already said that you wont . . .

Sounds like you have become too dependent on him. If he wont go for a walk with you, go without him. If he doesnt give you the hug you need, go to a girlfriends and get your hug. Perhaps if you get a life of your own, seperate from him, he will realise that he needs to pull his socls up in order to keep YOU interested in HIM.

Hitting is never acceptable. This is 100% in your control. Also, i wouldnt completely discount the possibility that he eggs you on to do it so that he can use it as ammo to make you feel guilty which keeps you compliant.

Again, this is a bad relationship, end it.

 

[EnjoliWoman]

Sounds very unhealthy. You've only invested a year. Break away, don't date for at LEAST a year and meanwhile go to individual counseling. You will emerge healthy and ready for a solid adult relationship with mutual respect.

Sorry it's not the answer you want.

 

[Homemaker_Numero_Uno]

The issue here is that you are using him as a proxy to abuse yourself. The important step does not involve him but involves deciding to treat yourself better. You can start by finding a counselor and deciding that you want to explore that part of you that decided that you could sustain this relationship. Once you start building trust in yourself, you should be able to move on to healthier relationships. It is an adventure and sure it is risky and scary, but it might be healthier than your current day to day. The worst that can happen is failure. In which case you can continue punishing yourself for that with your current relationship,it's unlikely he'll leave you until you stop paying bills, but then he would probably try to impregnate you to keep you around, so be leery of that if you start making changes, protect yourself from the 18 year entrapment scenario.

 

[COGypsy]

Let's see, he ignores you, mocks you, disregards your feelings and opinions and with holds sex to punish you. He's completely content to let you support him and presumably his kids (if you're paying his child support as well).

When he's backed into a corner he does the bare minimum to suck you back in and then goes right back to treating you like a second-, third-, fourth-class citizen in you're own home.

How exactly would you be "hurting him too much" by kicking him out given that he has so little care for you? I'm guessing the free ride, control of you and available sex is probably a more important consideration to him than any deep and abiding love.

I think I'd move on and just focus your energy on feeling badly for his next victim....

 

[southern wife]

playing your xbox all day ..........I try and discuss our issues (hes not working, has nothing to do with his kids, has a drinking problem etc) ........emotionally abusing me. He plays with my mind and says 'i dont want u anymore'. He cheated on his ex multiple times

Gosh im annoyed right now at the thought of him going out clubbing while we're having this break, then lieing to me about it...

WOW......just...............WOW :slap: He sounds delightful and such a catch!

:nono:

You need to find your self esteem, find that strong woman you claim to be, and RUN far away from this man. He is bringing you down, and living like a sponge off YOU! Why in the world do you want to keep supporting him?

You CAN do this. Change your phone number, change the locks, move, whatever it takes...........get away from him.

He needs to work on HIS issues..................they are not yours, or "ours".....they are HIS!

 

[southern wife]

in this day in age. he might be a good catch. he isnt cheating on you. doesnt appear to do any hard drugs. good portion of people seem to not work anymore, i dont know why but that seems the new norm. And if he pisses you off you know you can slap him around.
he really could be a good catch

But if you really want to leave him, show him the door. he will latch on to another woman like you and hang around her house and play video games. She might even be happy with him to know he is home doing that instead of screwing other women like her last boyfriend.
People these days, well, the expectations of them have gotten pretty low. A pulse and a brain makes some a worthy candidate.

If you want him to stay away, just keep slapping him but do it harder. Eventually he will either leave and be gone, or get a restraining order on you. Either way he will most likely stop contact. And dont give him money. He will go find a woman that slaps him less hard and gives him money.

Huh? :scratchhead:

 

[Shaunee]

It was terribly diffucult to get to sleep last night. He doesnt have a phone but purchased a phone card, called me once and said 'hi my darling' as if nothing ever happened-i hung up went outside a wept.We're use to being in eachother company all the time and truely have become co-dependant so its going to be hard. I believe ill suffer the most with this break up??? Emotionally i know ill be a mess and i must state that it is seriously reassureing being told that i should leave by complete strangers, my friends and family say the same thing but it can be hard to hear and i guess thats why ive looked to this website for advice.

Jellybeans - she said that he use to leave her at home caring for the kids all the time and go off drinking - he has left me a couple of times early on in the relationship but has stopped. She said he use to steal from her but he hasnt stolen from me instead he has helped wrack up credit card debt in my name and hasnt helped to pay that off, gosh i feel stupid. She has said that he use to beat her and even threw her mother accross the room once, he has never punched me but get this...We have had the Police involved a good 10 times this year but neither of us has been charged with anything. He was on probation for other issues and i went to court and gave a statement saying that i love him and that he has never hurt me. He got off scott free. 3 days later hes shoving his hands down my throat and telling me to piss off and cry myself to sleep because i couldnt let go of a few nasty things he had said to me - i couldnt believe it.

It is an unhealthy relationship, i suppose i really just have to be strong go and get all of my stuff and move on.

 

[Samayouchan]

i have never read such a post to where the couple needs to get away from each other so badly! KICK HIM OUT and let him fend for himself girl! Take back that power he has.
I do know what its like to love some one so deep to the core it pains you to be away from them. My first marriage ended with finding out my husband cheated on me, and it was like someone ripping my heart out.
You need to know from one lady that knows what you are feeling to another, that things HAPPEN for a reason and some times you got to be that stronger woman than you think you are. Kick his @$$ out of your house make him want to treat you with some respect! He sounds just so immature for you. You deserve better.

 

[Shaunee]

He called me today from a private number and said that he wanted his eftpos card back. I couldnt talk to him, i felt numb. So he came over and demanded it. I gave it to my brother who gave it to him and he told him to leave, he wouldnt back down without an arguement. He began to cry and said that its not his fault and that i hurt him etc...i just wanted to go over and hug him but my bro kept me from caving in and dealt with his moans until he left. I feel sad that its come to this. And im getting a Police officers assistance tomorrow to be present while i pack up all my gear and leave.

He had the cheek on the phone to say to me 'oh, *** i dont want anymore trouble, i just want us to be happy' i told him it was over...he just cant comprehend that part and i bet right about now is out there screwing around like his ex told me he would aaages ago...this is the hardest thing ive had to do in my life

 

[Shaunee]

Thank you all for the beautiful support and wise words

 

[KathyBatesel]

Shaunee, you're certainly abusing *him* and have a lot of compatibility and control issues. If you really want to leave, you just do it. When the tears come, you repeat "this is the best choice for both of us" until you lose your voice. When he texts and calls and keeps pursuing after you tell him directly not to, you call the police and file harassment charges.

 

[Prodigal]

Sounds like you are involved with an alcoholic. How 'bout you ask him to make a choice between you and the booze? Wanna guess which will win?

I'm interested - seriously - as to why you are sticking with this man. You are thankful for the advice. Why?

So, did you come here to vent, get the strength to leave, or to find out if you have options?

Honestly, what is keeping you stuck? And I'm not the least bit interested in Mr. Charming. I know enough about him.

So why are you glommed onto this narcisstic possible-alcoholic? What do you think is wrong with YOU?

 

[Shaunee]

Interesting...I came on here to vent plus i need verification that leaving him is the right choice. Ive asked him to stop drinking and while discussing this hes told me he will (we've also attended A.A together) but come pay day and while everything between us is good, he'll go out a buy a box then its back to hell again.

I believe that at this stage in my life im attracted to men who are needy and have had hard lives. My happiness has become dependant on him and being away from him for 3 days now has helped me take a step back and see it all from a distance which has been great.

Whats keeping me stuck is holding onto the hope that he'll change like he says he will but im now realising that it won't happen and that the back and forth abuse will only get worse. He has also helped wrack up a good $10,000 worth of debt while we've been together which is also in my name so in a way i feel like he owes me.

Im guilty of hitting him and i have never hit a man or been hit by a man in my life - i am going insane! It takes a lot of strength to leave someone that you have shared many good memories with, a man that youve pictured being with you forever and someone you have confided in etc.

My father was a Policeman for many years and my mother put up with a lot of physical and mental abuse from him, he also cheated on her and had 3 kids during their relationship - her parents passed away when she was a little girl so she didnt have them to go too in times of need. They have known eachother for 31 years now and she still continues to allow him to stay at the family home, call when ever he needs support etc.So this is what ive grown up around and i remember thinking a few years ago that i didnt want to be treated like my mother. So i want to make an exit.

Ive been told that i havent experienced true love yet (im in my 2nd relationship, 1st one lasted for 6 years and he was another sad story plus very controling) and it took a lot of courage to leave that one...this one seems harder??? He has a 'treat her mean keep her keen' kind of attitude.

I know i need to rise above all this and believe that im worth more.

 

[jane1213]

i think u have to work on you first. Go to counseling and explore why are you acting this way . what purposes is he serving in your life? u r keeping him because he serves a purposes. It could be due to low self esteem. I am 25 , good looking and professional woman. I have many things going for me but i still get stuck in relationships and find it really hard to break away.

Now i hate men. Not hate in the true sense but i don't feel like being around a man anymore and i am ( not so seriously) considering turning into a gay lol

 

[sinnister]

I just want to say that if a man came on here complaining about emotional abuse suffered from his wife then went on to say that he hits her and makes her cry you guys would destroy him.

OP - either stop hitting your man or leave the relationship.

EDIT: okay KathyBatesel did call her out on it.

 

[Jellybeans]

Jellybeans - she said that he use to leave her at home caring for the kids all the time and go off drinking - he has left me a couple of times early on in the relationship but has stopped. She said he use to steal from her but he hasnt stolen from me instead he has helped wrack up credit card debt in my name and hasnt helped to pay that off, gosh i feel stupid. She has said that he use to beat her and even threw her mother accross the room once, he has never punched me but get this...We have had the Police involved a good 10 times this year but neither of us has been charged with anything. He was on probation for other issues and i went to court and gave a statement saying that i love him and that he has never hurt me. He got off scott free. 3 days later hes shoving his hands down my throat and telling me to piss off and cry myself to sleep because i couldnt let go of a few nasty things he had said to me - i couldnt believe it.

I asked what his ex said because "past behavior" is usually indictaive of future behavior. So most of what she said went down in their relationship, has happened in your relationship.

What was he on probation for?

Whats keeping me stuck is holding onto the hope that he'll change like he says he will but im now realising that it won't happen and that the back and forth abuse will only get worse. He has also helped wrack up a good $10,000 worth of debt while we've been together which is also in my name so in a way i feel like he owes me.

1st one lasted for 6 years and he was another sad story plus very controling) and it took a lot of courage to leave that one...this one seems harder??? He has a 'treat her mean keep her keen' kind of attitude.

I know i need to rise above all this and believe that im worth more.

Hope doesn't mean anything. Peoples' acteions ARE who they are. And what you see is what you get with an abuser.

We can all tell you to leave him, t hat you are worth more, that you deserve better, to get into therapy/counselling, read books to find out WHY you are attracted to losers/abusers/mean who take & don't give--but at the end fo the day it means nothing unless you actually take a step forward.

Why would you want to be with someone who has a treat her mean, keep her keen" kind of attitude?

The mind boggles.

When you've had enough, you'll leave. Hopefully it won't be before he racks up more of your debt, puts you in the emergency room or kills you.

The choice is yours.

Good luck.



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