[EliseBlue]

Hi All, I've joined this forum as it seems like a great resource and I'm hoping for some objective opinions and advice as I feel like I'm in limbo at the moment. Firstly, I apologise for the length of my post but I thank you for taking the time to read it.

My husband and I have been together for over 10 years and we've had our fair share of problems but we've (I) have always been able to get through them. It's the latest 'incident' (albeit rather minor in the scheme of things) that's had me questioning whether this relationship really is the right thing for us.

My husband is an incredibly selfish person. He is aware of this and has admitted to it, promised to try and fix it but nothing ever eventuates. When it comes to me or us, I don't even factor into his thought process at the time he is performing the selfish act. It isn't until later when he realised I am upset and I have explained how he hurt me that he has his light bulb moment and is like "yeah, that was a pretty horrible thing to do". He says he'll try harder, I believe him only to be let down again a short time later.

It's the last thing that is kind of like the straw that broke the camels back. I'm sick of being hurt and I'm sick of being let down and not having someone I can rely on. I'm sick of having to explain why I'm hurt and most of all, I am beyond hurt that even after all this time I still have to fight to be a part of his little bubble.

Am I being unreasonable or is this just normal?

Even now, I can't imagine my life without him but I can't help to think that maybe I'm sticking it through for the wrong reasons, which I know are the wrong reasons - I don't want to have failed at something, the shame of having to tell family and friends that it's over, him spending and sharing his life with someone else and we have quite an asset base so have to go through the process of having to split that. Sometimes staying together and putting up with it is the easier option which is for the wrong reasons. Maybe that last paragraph is my answer just there.

How do I fix this? Or is it even fixable? I feel like I've done everything humanely possible. I'm torn because I don't want him being someone he's not, but who he is at the moment is hurtful to me.

There is one other issue with us which I will post in another sub-forum as it's not really appropriate here but other than that, I guess everything is fine.

Once again, thank you for taking the time to read this and sorry that it's a little disjointed but I'm a little all over the shop at the moment. Any thoughts or comments would be greatly appreciated and please, any questions please ask as I'm more than happy to share more and am a pretty open person.

 

[tamii]

Can you elaborate on why you feel he is selfish? Some examples, perhaps?

 

[EliseBlue]

Sure. Most recently we agreed to get a puppy. We picked her up Saturday and got home late saturday. Then on sunday he left at 3am to go fishing and wasn't home until 10pm that night leaving me home alone all day with a new unsettled puppy. I couldn't even leave the house to go to the grocery store. I asked him if he knew what was upsetting me, he said 'no' and being absolutely exhausted I started crying - his response, he went to sleep.

I recently went sky diving - instead of spending the time with me before the jump or being there when I landed he went fishing because he couldn't be bothered sitting around wasting time.

When he says he'll only be one or two hours he's gone for almost the whole day, no phone calls or anything and I'm stuck waiting for him not making any plans of my own because he was only going to be 'a little while'.

I agreed to him buying a boat recently with the max spend of $10,000, he ending up spending nearly $15,000 with no thoughts or discussion with me.

As per my other thread, he'd rather be 'intimate' with himself than me.

For as long as we've been together it's been my dream to buy old houses and renovate them. He's never been good enough with money and when he had a light bulb moment and wanted to renovate the houses he showed he could save and we did it with a 10 year commitment. Two years in he's over it, it's too much like hard work and he doesn't want to do it anymore. I've supported him for the last 10 years and now when it comes to something I want to do he loses interest after 5 minutes and this is something I need his support with.

The little things - so many times I've asked him how nice it would be to come home from work one night and have dinner cooked ready to go, to have a nice hot bath run and we could have a bath together. Little thoughtful gifts or making an effort once in a while etc etc

He used to not buy my gifts for birthdadys/christmases and the last couple of years he has, whoopty do. He buys something that he will benefit from as well. I tell him I want X (something small and reasonable) and he'll buy something that he needs or wants as well.

I seem to organise everything, from holidays, to bills, to insurances to even just suggesting we go to the movies one night. Recently I was feeling overwhelmed by it all and asked him to do one fairly simple thing and first he was like "you're so much better at it than me" etc etc and I was firm and insisted that he did it and he cracked it because I asked him to do something. Which, whenever I do ask him to do something for me it's always such a hassle and a hindrance and makes me feel bad for asking.

We always do what he wants to do of a weekend and then when we do something on one day one weekend we go to an art gallery and he makes a mockery of it and makes fun of me for liking it.

I get up at 5am for work and if I go to bed before him he wont make an effort to be quiet.

Shows no interest in what I'm interested in.

There's heaps more examples but I'd be writing all night and I try not to dwell or even remember them so this is it for now.

 

[lonleyandlost]

Hi Elise. I totally relate to your post. Your H and my H sound very much alike. I have been dealing with many of the same things you have for years now. I certainly don't think you are being unreasonable. I would suggest looking around TAM for more advice as I'm still working on figuring my situation out and don't have any great words of wisdom for you. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Have you attended any IC or MC? In my case I've done both. I would recommend starting with IC to gain some perspective and then if you're H is willing go to MC. Like I said I'm still learning and not sure what to do but I am putting ME first for once. I'm hoping this will make any decisions I have to make that much clearer. Sorry I couldn't help you more. Keep us posted on how things are going. Take care!

 

[Couleur]

Elise have you read The Five Languages of Love?
I'm asking because it sounds to me like you value "quality time" and "acts of service" as the languages that you'd like your H to use to show you that he cares.
It might help you two to take the tests on line (The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®) and then talk about each of your needs.

I'm bringing this up because I can imagine that your husband would present the events differently -- for ex, he might say: we agreed to get a puppy. I'd already made plans to go fishing that day, so I asked wife to stay home with the puppy. When I got home, instead of being happy to see me, she complained that she felt trapped with the puppy. Another day I'll take care of the puppy, so what's the big deal? Or he might say: My wife decided that she wanted to go skydiving. I was happy that she was pursing one of her own interests. Since I knew she wouldn't be home, I took advantage of the time alone to pursue one of my interests -- fishing. But then she came home and complained that I wasn't there to see her land. I thought I was acting reasonably by finding something to keep me busy while she had fun. Go figure! Or he might say, I could always tell that my mom loved my dad because she'd cook dinner for him, keep the house clean, and organized family events. I always imagined having a wife who would do the same things for me, so that I would feel as cared for as my dad did. When my wife asks me to take over these tasks I feel like she is saying that she doesn't love me anymore.

The purpose of trying to figure your languages of love out is that you might be able to improve your relationship simply by really talking about what makes you feel loved and why those things matter to you.

 

[EliseBlue]

Hi Elise. I totally relate to your post. Your H and my H sound very much alike. I have been dealing with many of the same things you have for years now. I certainly don't think you are being unreasonable. I would suggest looking around TAM for more advice as I'm still working on figuring my situation out and don't have any great words of wisdom for you. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Have you attended any IC or MC? In my case I've done both. I would recommend starting with IC to gain some perspective and then if you're H is willing go to MC. Like I said I'm still learning and not sure what to do but I am putting ME first for once. I'm hoping this will make any decisions I have to make that much clearer. Sorry I couldn't help you more. Keep us posted on how things are going. Take care!

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I think I've read every thread on TAM the past few days! Not sure what 'IC' is but I assume 'MC' is marriage counseling? No we haven't. I'm thinking seriously about it at the moment.

The past 6 months I've said to myself that I am going to be selfish and do what I want to do but I still find myself hanging around hoping my husband will throw some love my way. I dont want to get trapped into doing things out of spite either which I can possibly see happening.

I wish you all the best with your relationship and hope things work out.

 

[EliseBlue]

Elise have you read The Five Languages of Love?
I'm asking because it sounds to me like you value "quality time" and "acts of service" as the languages that you like your H to use to show you that he cares.
It might help you two to take the tests on line (The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®) and then talk about each of your needs.

I'm bringing this up because I can imagine that your husband would present the events differently -- for ex, he might say: we agreed to get a puppy. I'd already made plans to go fishing that day, so I asked wife to stay home with the puppy. When I got home, instead of being happy to see me, she complained that she felt trapped with the puppy. Another day I'll take care of the puppy, so what's the big deal? Or he might say: My wife decided that she wanted to go skydiving. I was happy that she was pursing one of her own interests. Since I knew she wouldn't be home, I took advantage of the time alone to pursue one of my interests -- fishing. But then she came home and complained that I wasn't there to see her land. I thought I was acting reasonably by finding something to keep me busy while she had fun. Go figure! Or he might say, I could always tell that my mom loved my dad because she'd cook dinner for him, keep the house clean, and organized family events. I always imagined having a wife who would do the same things for me, so that I would feel as cared for as my dad did. When my wife asks me to take over these tasks I feel like she is saying that she doesn't love me anymore.

The purpose of trying to figure your languages of love out is that you might be able to improve your relationship simply by really talking about what makes you feel loved and why those things matter to you.

Thank you also for taking the time to respond.

No, I haven't read it. I've just bought it now for my kindle so I'll start reading it. I've told him what makes me feel valued and loved and he seems to do the exact opposite. I don't think it's on purpose. He just gets so consumed in himself that he forgets about all else.

With the puppy - we agreed for him to get up early to go fishing and that he'd be home mid-morning to help me for the rest of the day.

The sky diving I asked him to be there for me. Obvisiously I didn't rank high enough on his prioroties to be then when I asked him to because something that is important to me is a waste of time for him.

Fair point on keeping the household as that is how he grew up with his mother doing everything for his father.

I made the before points not to argue with you, but I guess in a way to show that I think I am being reasonable and being quite objective. If it was the casethat I agreed that it would be ok for him to go fishing when I went skydiving, then in my mind, I have no right to be upset with him as that's what I agreed to.

Sometimes he does put me in the position when he knows I can't say 'no' to him and I agree to something that I know I shouldn't be but I feel that sometimes he's making me out to be the bad guy and I'm sick of being the bad guy.

 

[Promise]

Hi In limbo,

My Goodness!! There must be thousands of us women in the very same situation!! I've been married for over 10 years and the first 6 were perfect! Then came the fights about starting a family (he said he wasn't ready), then the fights about household chores (well, what sort of mum are you going to be anyway, you don't put my washing away for me), then the separate goals and interests (all our family and friends have kids - I can't stand to be near them because it makes me feel inadequate and not good enough).
My H is also not interested in anything I do either - we've actually acknowledged to each other that if we met each other now (rather than 15 yrs ago), there is no way we would be together!
So why do we stay? Fear of the unknown, fear of being lonely, fear of losing a relationship, even if it is pretty crappy. We tried the MC and H went to Individual Counselling (I think that is IC). Didn't work for us, but that was because H didn't really even know why he was there (so his counsellor told me). In fact, his counseller reassured me that I would be fine and should get out.
Two months later, I'm STILL HERE!!!!! Because I'm scared.
But I know if I leave, I have done absolutely everything I could have to try and save the marriage.
A good friend of mine told me on the weekend, ending a marriage is just like ripping up a piece of paper. What you are doing is ending a relationship. That acutally helps me put it into perspective!!
Take care, limbo!