So, my wife left the house two months ago. She found an apartment nearby and the kids are spending a week here and a week there. She says she is 'done' and the relationship is over. She has never used the word divorce, tho.
When we see a counselor, she says is only there to work on being co-parents and not to try and reconcile. When I ask, so OK then, where are the D papers; she says she is not skipping to that step right away and that D is extreme. At the last meeting she said that just because she is doing this doesn't mean she likes it. She said she realizes that she will hurt people, and named me and the kids. We went in that meeting with the intention of getting his help settling some financial agreements since the separation was not planned, and left with her not committing to separation transitioning to D or reconciliation. Just confused.
I have consistently said that we need to work out our communication and emotional detachment feelings and save the marriage for the kids' and our own benefit. I have told her that I will not give up on the marriage. I'm just not there yet.
But, I have stopped the pleading, persuading, convincing, and all that. I am in 'no contact' 'letting her go' mode. (i think) I don't respond to her texts anymore which are the only form of contact she will have with me.
Over the last two months of separation there has been a lot of anger and resentment on both of our parts. There were a lot of texts that were blaming, projecting, and transferring from both of us. It's just a downward spiral, so I've stopped. I've asked her to just talk and she says no. I've written a letter stating what I want and how the future can be. I've set up meetings with counselors for us and the kids. I've done the 180, lost tons of weight, working out, taking care of the kids at home on my weeks (i get it, she was right on that one!), re-arranged/cleaned up the house, moved all her nick-nacs - I've done all that stuff. I didn't really do all that just to win her back. A lot was out of necessity and a bunch just for myself. But nevertheless, she just won't talk. At all. Period. Unless it's with a counselor.
With counselors she just re-hashes all her past grievances - how I never helped with the chores or the kids; how I never said 'I love you' or gave her hugs; how I only sit around and read the paper or watch TV; how I never play baseball with the kids; how I never go anywhere or do anything with her or the family; how I have a substance abuse problem; how I'm angry and yell a lot. I have owned up to the stuff that is real and apologized for hurting her. I've said I can make amends and that the marriage is the most important thing to me. 'cause it is. I've said that I am sorry I am not fulfilling her emotional needs and I want to and can help around the house more.
But, the thing about that stuff to me is that it totally discounts all the things I DO do. Like constructing the front porch, building the fence, fixing the cars, keeping the bills paid, planning time away for the family and going, providing intellectual stimulation for the kids, being at 90% of baseball practice and helping the coaches run drills and never NEVER missed even one game. Plus, there's my side of the "I'm just not getting anything out of this relationship" story, too - how I want a more intimate (not necessarily sex) relationship; how I'm pushed away emotionally; how she stomps around acting angry; etc. I never get to talk about that because she just gets hurt and defensive.
She is having an EA with the kids' baseball coach (he's 21). Kids told me they were mad at him and didn't want to go to baseball because he stole Mom away from me. I've asked her to not bring him around the kids except for practices and all she did was step up his time with them; inviting him over to her place for dinner with them and stuff like that.
The first counselor said that he shouldn't be around the kids because it'll just confuse them, as well as advised her to stop showering with my oldest son and allowing both of them to sleep in bed with her. She couldn't understand how those things were harmful. That counselor then said she'd like to see us individually a couple of times and then get us back together for sessions after that. Wife never went back to that counselor. I've continued to go individually. A new counselor saw us each separately and then got us together for a session. He works with kids and wants to see ours after he figures out where we are trying to go (D or reconcile or just limbo for a while). He told me he can't quite figure out what she wants yet so he's not ready to see the kids. He told us some of the same stuff the first counselor did, e.g. no sleeping or showering with kids and no OG over with kids. So, i guess she'll stop seeing him next?!? Besides, that was the meeting where we were going to work out financials of D and she seemed to back away from the cliff.
This is her second EA in the past 5 years. The other one ended after I busted it wide open and we concentrated back on this relationship.
She's ADHD and I've dealt with lifelong bouts of depression and am back on meds recently. Our kids are boys ages 11 and 9. We've been married 14 years, together 5 before that. She's just turned 40, I'm 40 in February. So, we're not perfect, folks (but, who is) and, to me this is sorta garden variety domestic stuff, no one is getting physically abused or chronic drug/alcohol issues going untreated. Just a couple of emotionally detached people who are stuck in the mud. I want to get moving on a better future together and I think she is having a bit of mid-life/identity crisis denial, and I can't figure out what's gonna happen next.
This post is starting to feel like a ranting and rambling nut totally confused looking for clarity and trying to decide if I have a next move or should just continue to 'wait and see'. Now that I think about it: that's just how I feel. Seems like she's in the driver's seat with the parking brake on and can't decide to drive the bus, hand me the wheel, or just totally really disembark. I've definitely been the 'leader' in our relationship but don't know what to think - or do now. I wonder what's my 'next move'. I'm more than a little scared.
Any thoughts? Particularly from women on the 40-year-old-mid-life-kids-are-both-boys-and-not-needing-the-nurturing-type-of-parenting-so-looking-for-identity theory?
sheesh!
When we see a counselor, she says is only there to work on being co-parents and not to try and reconcile. When I ask, so OK then, where are the D papers; she says she is not skipping to that step right away and that D is extreme. At the last meeting she said that just because she is doing this doesn't mean she likes it. She said she realizes that she will hurt people, and named me and the kids. We went in that meeting with the intention of getting his help settling some financial agreements since the separation was not planned, and left with her not committing to separation transitioning to D or reconciliation. Just confused.
I have consistently said that we need to work out our communication and emotional detachment feelings and save the marriage for the kids' and our own benefit. I have told her that I will not give up on the marriage. I'm just not there yet.
But, I have stopped the pleading, persuading, convincing, and all that. I am in 'no contact' 'letting her go' mode. (i think) I don't respond to her texts anymore which are the only form of contact she will have with me.
Over the last two months of separation there has been a lot of anger and resentment on both of our parts. There were a lot of texts that were blaming, projecting, and transferring from both of us. It's just a downward spiral, so I've stopped. I've asked her to just talk and she says no. I've written a letter stating what I want and how the future can be. I've set up meetings with counselors for us and the kids. I've done the 180, lost tons of weight, working out, taking care of the kids at home on my weeks (i get it, she was right on that one!), re-arranged/cleaned up the house, moved all her nick-nacs - I've done all that stuff. I didn't really do all that just to win her back. A lot was out of necessity and a bunch just for myself. But nevertheless, she just won't talk. At all. Period. Unless it's with a counselor.
With counselors she just re-hashes all her past grievances - how I never helped with the chores or the kids; how I never said 'I love you' or gave her hugs; how I only sit around and read the paper or watch TV; how I never play baseball with the kids; how I never go anywhere or do anything with her or the family; how I have a substance abuse problem; how I'm angry and yell a lot. I have owned up to the stuff that is real and apologized for hurting her. I've said I can make amends and that the marriage is the most important thing to me. 'cause it is. I've said that I am sorry I am not fulfilling her emotional needs and I want to and can help around the house more.
But, the thing about that stuff to me is that it totally discounts all the things I DO do. Like constructing the front porch, building the fence, fixing the cars, keeping the bills paid, planning time away for the family and going, providing intellectual stimulation for the kids, being at 90% of baseball practice and helping the coaches run drills and never NEVER missed even one game. Plus, there's my side of the "I'm just not getting anything out of this relationship" story, too - how I want a more intimate (not necessarily sex) relationship; how I'm pushed away emotionally; how she stomps around acting angry; etc. I never get to talk about that because she just gets hurt and defensive.
She is having an EA with the kids' baseball coach (he's 21). Kids told me they were mad at him and didn't want to go to baseball because he stole Mom away from me. I've asked her to not bring him around the kids except for practices and all she did was step up his time with them; inviting him over to her place for dinner with them and stuff like that.
The first counselor said that he shouldn't be around the kids because it'll just confuse them, as well as advised her to stop showering with my oldest son and allowing both of them to sleep in bed with her. She couldn't understand how those things were harmful. That counselor then said she'd like to see us individually a couple of times and then get us back together for sessions after that. Wife never went back to that counselor. I've continued to go individually. A new counselor saw us each separately and then got us together for a session. He works with kids and wants to see ours after he figures out where we are trying to go (D or reconcile or just limbo for a while). He told me he can't quite figure out what she wants yet so he's not ready to see the kids. He told us some of the same stuff the first counselor did, e.g. no sleeping or showering with kids and no OG over with kids. So, i guess she'll stop seeing him next?!? Besides, that was the meeting where we were going to work out financials of D and she seemed to back away from the cliff.
This is her second EA in the past 5 years. The other one ended after I busted it wide open and we concentrated back on this relationship.
She's ADHD and I've dealt with lifelong bouts of depression and am back on meds recently. Our kids are boys ages 11 and 9. We've been married 14 years, together 5 before that. She's just turned 40, I'm 40 in February. So, we're not perfect, folks (but, who is) and, to me this is sorta garden variety domestic stuff, no one is getting physically abused or chronic drug/alcohol issues going untreated. Just a couple of emotionally detached people who are stuck in the mud. I want to get moving on a better future together and I think she is having a bit of mid-life/identity crisis denial, and I can't figure out what's gonna happen next.
This post is starting to feel like a ranting and rambling nut totally confused looking for clarity and trying to decide if I have a next move or should just continue to 'wait and see'. Now that I think about it: that's just how I feel. Seems like she's in the driver's seat with the parking brake on and can't decide to drive the bus, hand me the wheel, or just totally really disembark. I've definitely been the 'leader' in our relationship but don't know what to think - or do now. I wonder what's my 'next move'. I'm more than a little scared.
Any thoughts? Particularly from women on the 40-year-old-mid-life-kids-are-both-boys-and-not-needing-the-nurturing-type-of-parenting-so-looking-for-identity theory?
sheesh!