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Horrible In-Law / Incredible Husband - How to Make it Work

Ok if anyone has any advice for me - please share!

I am happily married to the love of my life. He is a military man who is kind, honest, hard-working.. and I could go on to use every positive adjective in the book but you get the idea of the picture I'm painting. We have only been married a few years, and like any still-fairly-newlywed-couple we have had a few quirks to work out as we moved from single life to married life but we have overcome all the obstacles to brighter days every time.

Now to the in-laws. My husband's childhood wasn't picture perfect and neither was most of ours, but it was harder than a lot of ours. His dad was a hard-working country man but a severe alcoholic and his mother was a four-time teenage pregnancy turned druggie. His mother said to him every day 'don't be like your father' which yes, as you can imagine had an impact on him because today he will say 'i don't want to be like my dad'. He is nothing like his father in the alcoholic sense mind you, but that is stuck in his head because of his mother. Aside from her doing this to him and not realizing the impact it could have on him long term, she never held down a job and if she did the money she earned wasn't spent on my husband or his older brother or sisters because it was spent on her drugs, she would go missing for days at a time just dropping my husband and his siblings off at their grandparents (his father's parents - God bless them for being there), and the worst in my opinion was that she eventually abandoned the family and left my husband to care for his siblings when he was in high school because she decided to run off with another guy..and I could go on but again you get the idea of the picture I am painting.

The problem I am having is not that I haven't accepted this because I have, thanks to my husband and I's 'the past is the past so let's learn from it, move on, and make our lives better from here on out' attitude.

The issue is that his mother acts as though she has never done anything wrong to my husband. She acts as though her life was hard but all of her decisions were fine because they suited her needs, and we should continue that pattern and cater to her in her every wish immediately when she calls and asks for something which by the way is the only time she calls (she even called and asked us to reimburse her for her travel expenses to come to our wedding! don't even get me started on that), and if she does try to make any sort of conversation she pries and is negative about what she hears. She constantly criticizes me in that "I'm not specifically saying that you're wrong, I'm just making my point" attitude for things. Most recently she criticized me for taking time off work to have my husband and I's first child in which case she told me that 'times are tough and you should take that stress off of my son and get back to work'.

But here's my 'ultimate issue'.

The worst part is not that she criticizes me, because ultimately I can handle it by letting it go eventually.. The worst part is that she is negative toward my husband. As I said he is a military man and has been ever since graduating high school. My husband thought that his last deployment was, in fact, his last. However, he had an option to go again with his brigade but in a different role/position. He accepted the offer. Now I fully support his decision because although it may be difficult and scary for me, it is his decision and he is doing it for his country, his men, his family, and himself. His mother, once he informed her did not say "I'm proud of you", "Be careful" or anything you might think would be a rational statement. She said "What?! Why did you agree to go?!". He said that he knew that would be her reaction, but I simply cannot dismiss that as quickly as the rest of her shenanigans..and oh yes there's more..but again you see the picture I am painting.

What? Why? How?

I want her to stop calling only when she wants something.
I want her to stop being negative toward my husband.

I try to let everything go as it comes up, because that is what my husband does and we try not to let outside drama influence our lives. I want to continue to be supportive and keep this mindset going for my husband, but sometimes I want to scream it frustrates me so much.

How do I get this problem situated with her while not making things more difficult for my husband?
 

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I would minimize contact and let whatever she says roll off your back.

As for the past, my in laws are similar to yours and I do not have a relationship with them unless it has to do with our children. I keep it light with them. Yes, its upsetting that my FIL use to severely abuse my H, his siblings and his mother.. and he doesn't deserve my time.. but I try to be civil because my H asks me to.
 

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My husband dislikes my parents for several reasons.

First, my mother was very abusive and my father did nothing to stop her; my husband is angry that I am damaged because my dad did not protect me. My mother is narcissistic and she has most of my FOO wrapped around her finger, except me because I stand up to her. My husband hates how controlling and nosy my mother can be; our wedding was supposed to reflect her wishes and not ours.

If it was not for my dad, I would probably never see my mom. We only see my parents once a month and we do not spend holidays with my family or go to family functions. We don't need the negativity and neither do you.
 
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