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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've posted a couple of times on here, but I've omitted one very important fact - that I have bipolar disorder.

For the last couple of weeks my mood has been rising, and everything has seemed *perfect*; now my mood has dipped dramatically, and all the past hurts have resurfaced, and I'm unable to see things objectively... added to this my husband *always* thinks my low moods are the problem, so I doubt myself.

When my mood is like it is now, I want to throw in the towel. My self-esteem has plummeted, and I'm struggling to keep going.

So my problems:


I gave up everything to be with DH. I had my own house, and now have nothing.

When I was 7.5 months pregnant with our first child, DH went abroad on holiday - alone. He went again when our baby was 4 months old. Going to lie naked on a hot beach, leaving me with severe PND, a young baby & in a freezing cold UK winter.

His son came for Christmas. No bad thing... except we'd agreed to do our presents alone, as it was our babies first one. Might sound mean, but like I said, I too have a son, and we were getting together to do presents later, which is when his son would be involved. Of course the plan changed. His son also kept commenting on women on TV - pointing out the ones his dad fancied, and which ones his dad wanted to sleep with. As an older mum, breastfeeding & with post-baby weight, I felt offended. DH didn't pick him up on it. I also had to go to bed at the same time as the baby, as SS wanted to play games on our TV, and DH let him. This happens every time he's here.

I found photos on the camera of DH's genitals. There were around 25 of them. He claimed that he took them for me, when I was in hospital having our baby. I've never truly accepted this, and it makes him angry with me. I also found photos of his holiday apartment, and there were two coffee cups on the table. He swears this is due to them being small, so he needed two.

I found that he'd registered on a site to meet prostitutes. He claims it is because he saw a 19yr old prostitute on TV, and was so intrigued with her, that he joined & paid to see her naked photos "like any red-blooded man would". He cannot see how much this has hurt me. It was NOT a porn site, it is one where prostitutes advertise. What has made it worse is he told me he emailed his son the link. So his son has been here, knowing his dad is on a prostitute site, looking at a 19yr old (who was so "intriguing"), and probably laughing behind my back. Why should he treat our relationship seriously when my husband does this? I understand & get that lads may look at naked women & have banter about it... but this isn't the same.

Our second child was born & died last year. I nearly died giving birth to her. He wanted me to abort her when I was pregnant, saying that he "never wanted another baby" with me. He told me that he wanted more than one with his ex, but that I was not his ex. He's never truly explained this, or why I'm not good enough for him. He did begin to want her, and he was devastated by her death. All the above happened before btw.

He never takes me out. He takes his son out when he's here, and the last time asked if I wanted to come... but doesn't understand that I don't want to date my husband with his son present. See, I'm nothing really. His son is coming for new year, and they are going out that night for a drink. I can't go too, as you can't take toddlers, and we haven't got a sitter. So, I get to sit home alone, whilst he's out having fun. That's several nights out, and two holidays abroad - that I've missed out on.

I'm also still annoyed about the anniversary card. So it may not be a big deal, but we've been married three years, and he only got me a card the first year.

Gosh this is long, I don't expect replies, just a rant, as I feel so down, and can't see whether I'm just being silly or not.
 

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It does sound as though you've got some important issues to deal with... but as you intimated in the beginning, your husband may see your mood swings as part of the problem because you only address these issues during your lows. Do you have a habit of dismissing problems while you're at a high point? Are you sometimes fearful that addressing an issue might bring you into one of your lows?
Also, did you both seek counseling after your child passed away? That's traumatic regardless of previous mental health or relationship status.
 

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This hits home with me as we also lost a child while living in the UK.

Sounds like you have multiple layers going on here. Your bipolar disorder, extreme grief and loss, breakdown of trust, and mutual resentment. It also sounds like you hold on to your pain and resentment.

As an aside, could there be a link between the naked pics, prostitute website, holiday apartment, and the two cups?

Sounds like your H tries to escape the difficulties of real life rather than facing them head on. Just makes things worse. With your dark moods does he feel like he's walking on eggshells with you?

Through my pain, life has become more meaningful, and I've come to understand a lot more about myself and appreciate the good times that much more. I can't provide a silver bullet to solve your problems, other than being a source of understanding across the ethos.
 

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S&R, it sounds like you have a lot going on no matter whether you have bipolar disorder or not, but obviously the ups and downs make it hard (if not impossible) to know when your judgment is good and when it's leading you astray.

Here is a bit of a reality check from someone who has no reason to manipulate you:

Your husband's excuses for his bad behavior are just that - bad excuses. His willingness to share sexual knowledge and experiences with his son are crossing inappropriate boundaries. He is failing to honor his marriage bond.

Your moods may or may not be impacting this, but they are not an excuse for him to deny his obligations to you.

I hope you are receiving treatment for your mood disorder and that you can find someone trustworthy to turn to for feedback during both your up times and your down times. Having someone you trust who will be honest with you is an important part of coping with bipolar disorder, in my opinion, and can be especially important at times like now.

You may have given up a lot for your husband, but there is one thing you did not give up... your right to seek joy in your life. It may be elusive, but if you keep searching, you will find it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
To answer: No, we didn't get counselling. We were referred, but I (unusually given the circumstances) went a bit hypomanic. DH liked this, and said we didn't need it. When my mood stabilised, I asked to be re-referred, but DH convinced me it was a waste of time, that the past was the past, that we should leave it there.

I don't think I only address issues when low. I do obsess about resentments (and yes, I do hold on to them), more, but don't talk about them then.

DH's mum has a mental health disorder. I don't know what, I've never met her, or any of my inlaws, as DH cut them off. He says that I remind him of his mum. This is a huge red flag, as despite my diagnosis my behaviour has changed *because* of my marriage, not the illness. I found out that his dad would ignore his mum when she asked things, or got upset, and act in a passive aggressive manner. He admitted this made his mother more 'mad'. From this I concluded that his father at best exacerbated his mum's illness, at worst - caused it. I wonder if DH learned how to treat women from his dad, and therefore is treating me the same way?

DH has some mental health issues too. I don't know what, he keeps it secret from me, whereas he insists on being involved with mine.

I do have help & support. My psychiatrist spends a lot of time telling DH that my behaviour is normal for *any* woman, when confronted with things he has done.

I'm not sure that he escapes into fantasy. We'd only been married 8 months when he first went on holiday, there were no problems that I could see.

I had absolutely connected the naked photos & two coffee cups. Not sure about Adultwork, I only found out about that recently. He never confessed it, nor would he have. I heard about another husband using the site to arrange to see prostitutes, and put my DH's email in the lost password form, and it confirmed he had registered.

Let me be clear - Adultwork is not a dating or porn site... it is a site where prostitutes advertise & punters pay to contact them. I as I said DH said he signed up to look at a 19yr old's nude pics. All very well, but I went on there, found her & viewed her photos, and I never registered. So his explanation has holes in it at best.

*Kathy* Thank you. Yes, I truly do feel that he crossed boundaries there. I feel so uncomfortable having his son here, playing 'happy families', when I know that he is complicit in this whole thing. OK, it's not his fault, but I just don't feel easy when I know that he 'knows' his dad joined an escort site, and was slobbering all over a 19yr old's pics... eeurgh!

I don't, I really DON'T, think my bipolar is the problem here, I just think it gives my husband a bat to beat me with, and a way to blame me for all problems, whilst being absolved of all responsibility.

We don't even have sex much anymore. I've lost a lot of weight, had my hair done, bought lingerie, yet he kept telling me I was a "turn-off" - which he now denies. For 8 months he rejected me, and still does a couple of times a week. Yet when I bring it up, he tells me that I don't approach him???

I've turned from someone with fairly controllable highs & lows, to a paranoid, insecure, jealous wreck with no esteem.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Sorry, I just wanted to mention something else that has caused issues.

When we met DH had a female 'friend'. I could tell from the way she commented on every post of his on Facebook, that she liked him. She often talked about the noises he made when asleep etc. I asked him about it, and he confessed that she had previously seduced him. He told me that it ended a few months before, when he realised that she wanted more. She sent several nasty emails when we got together.

I asked him to not be alone with her, as they used to sleep together, and she still liked him. He agreed. Then, after our first baby was born, he started going to her house. She kept asking him to fix things for her. I bit my tongue, but was disappointed in him. When I was pregnant with our second, I came home to find her here with him. She was nice enough, and I'm not confrontational, so said nothing - even when our little one picked up a co*k ring from the sofa. I did ask DH why it was on the sofa - he claimed it was because he was decorating the kitchen & it was on the top (which was plausible).

He has now admitted that he believes that she kept finding him things to fix as an excuse to see him alone. What p*sses me off is that I warned him of this - I felt this was the case, and he made me out to be paranoid - so to turn around and confirm it with no apologies?

I guess that given all the above info - which he always comes up with plausible explanations for - is he on the level? One or two things are OK - but the whole lot together?

I found that he has signed up to a site that sends photos of the 'hottest' girls each month. Once that wouldn't have bothered me, not in the slightest, but now it just confirms that he doesn't really want me, just a wife in name.

After I caught him on Adultwork, I assumed that he would try his hardest to make up to me. Instead he's arrogant about it, as if he's entitled to do it, and I shouldn't care, and I am unreasonable for being upset he's on a site for prostitutes!
 

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S&R, it's very likely he's cheating on you, as in 98% likely. People on TAM see this everyday and he's following the "cheaters script" to the T by blaming you for his infidelity when you catch him in the act.

Old fling over at your house with a c*ck ring on the sofa? Seriously?

Our solution to this is to go 007 on him by installing a key logger on the computer, checking his phone for texts/emails, and velcro'ing a Voice Activated Recorder under his car seat.

You're dealing with a lot more than your own issues here.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thanks Viseral. I think I knew it. To be honest I don't think he is *now*, due to the fact that his 'friend' disappeared when our daughter died.

I can't install a keylogger - he's a tech expert, and his own laptop is fingerprint protected. I do check his mobile, but there have never been any suspicious numbers, calls or texts.

I guess I just wonder if it's worth trying anymore. He makes me feel rubbish anyway. I used to love singing - used to sing in a band - now whenever I do it (and my voice has got rusty from not using it) he makes sarky comments, which just brings me down.

When I cook (something his ex wife couldn't do) he criticises. Instead of something good to say, he will tell me how it *should* be improved.

Our toddler has gone through a stage of night waking, requiring me to sleep in her room if she wakes. I sleep on the floor on a piece of foam. This has been fine for me, yet for his son to come down for a week, he's bought a camp bed, as a piece of foam would be uncomfortable. So a young lad can't be uncomfortable, but a woman over 40 is fine on the floor?

Funnily I bought the car. I can't drive, but our old car wasn't good enough, so he got me to use my savings to buy a 'better' one. Then he grumbles if I want a lift, telling me to get a taxi or bus. Yet he drives round the country for his son.

Maybe I'm just being silly, but I sure miss my own space, where I could cook & enjoy it, sing at the top of my voice & sleep on a comfy bed.
 

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I can't install a keylogger - he's a tech expert

You don't need to keylogger to know he's unkind and unloving... he shows you everyday


Maybe I'm just being silly, but I sure miss my own space, where I could cook & enjoy it, sing at the top of my voice & sleep on a comfy bed.

Keep this image in your mind.... start being that person now.
Aw..hun this is a terrible way to be living. He has no respect for you and you deserve to be treated better than this.

Do you have family supporting you?
 
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