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My husband and I have been separated for 3 years now. He initiated the separation, he left me out of no where with our 1 year old and 6 year old. He took me to court a month later for visitation but never filed for divorce. He said many times he was filing the papers but never did. In the passed 3 years he has come back every few months. Asking for another chance, and clamming he would never leave me and the kids again. When he comes back, he is great for 2-3 months. And then after his 3 months is up, he leaves me again. He goes from love to hate in a spit second. He loves and adores me one minute and next he wont even look at me.

A little background, He is 40 yrs old I am 27. We got engaged and then decided to start trying for a baby. We got pregnant and got married. My parents let us live in there house until we could save some money to move out. We lived at my parents house for a year and then he moved out. He moved back to his parents house. He has messed with my emotions so much. He has messed with my kids emotions so much. He is so unstable. He will come back trying to make things work. I never let him move back in, it was always a trial period of making sure things were different. he would always leave again. He leaves over everyday stress, a disagreement, not wanting to communicate. Its normal everyday marriage stuff, that he runs out on. It hurts so bad that he can love me so much but then throw it all away over and over again. I don't get how someone can do that to their family. I take him back every time because I love him and I miss him and I hope so badly that it will be different this time around.

Fast forward to now. We started seeing each other again in May and by August he was gone again. In October he came back to love mode and we started to "work things out again". Here we are now and he left me again this weekend. The reason is he told me he wanted to live with me again and didn't want to go back and forth to his parents house. I told him if it was my house I would have let him move back already, but its not my house, its my parents. My mother told me months ago, that she will never allow him to move back in. She feels he should get a place of his own, he's 40 years old and married, she feels he needs to be responsible. So I told him he couldn't move back in, but if he wanted to live with his wife and kids again, he should get a place for us. He said he cant afford to move out. I told him he should bust his butt and try and better his position at his current job making more money, or maybe looking for something different. I told him, wouldn't you feel good as a man to provide for your family, instead of relying on my parents. He's been living with his parents since he moved out 3 years ago. Before we got married and he moved into my parents house he also lived with his parents. He flipped out on me and told me I was selfish and I need to figure out a way to have him move back. if not there is no point in being together again. He canceled all our credit cards and left me with nothing, AGAIN! This is the cycle, he leaves me with nothing every time he leave. He's mad, but life still goes on and I still need to buy food for our kids. it hurts so bad that he can do this to me and the kids, over and over again.

Just last week he was telling me how in love he was, and so happy. Swearing he would never mess this up again. He wanted to start trying for another baby and get me pregnant. Now he's back to hate mode and shuts me and our marriage and our life out. This is what he does every time he comes back and then leaves. I keep taking him back hoping things will be better, But they never are.

What do you guys think? Am I selfish for telling him he cant move back in? Its not my decision to make. I feel lost and hurt again. I cant take the hurt anymore. Now my kids are asking, why isn't daddy here. My kids suffer just as much as I do. It kills me inside that he can be so loving and so cold the next.

He has no future goal or motivation to have his own place. He just plans on living at his parents house and then moving back to my parents.
 

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Honestly, you need to look for guidance on why you keep letting him back into your life. The first time was bad on him. Every other time is bad on you.

And the fact that he's 40 years old and still lives with his parents isn't exactly helping his cause... My thought is that you tied your wagon to a lifetime loser for whatever reason, and you don't have enough self esteem to move on on your own. But that's just based on the little I can see of your story.

C
 

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Your mother is right. There is no point unless he can be responsible for himself and for his family. You should expect and demand better from him, for your children's sake if not for your own.
 

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If he wants to live with his family again than he needs to go get a place! Sounds like he suffers from some type of mental illness.
 

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He sounds like he has never grown up. Although it is painful for you (and I am working on doing it myself), you should let go until he has proved his worth (in your case, getting a home for the family). This roller coaster he has you on is unfair to you, and harmful to the kids.
Try to be strong, and don't let him keep trampling on your emotions.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
What was his financial situation before the marriage? Afterwards? Right now?
What was your financial situation then and now?

Before we were married he was living with his parents. Making the same amount of money he is now. He got a promotion at work and he was getting paid more money, which was wonderful. But the STRESS was too much on him, with his new position, that he demoted himself back down to making nothing. He has gone no where since I met him 10 years ago. He has no motivation to better himself, and no future goals. He is stuck and being with him for so long I feel so stuck in a hole. A hole he pulled me into. When we got married it was the same. I got pregnant and was staying home with the baby. Now that my son is older and starting school. I am able to move forward with my life dreams. I am getting certified for a wonderful career path that I am very excited about. My plan is to do something that I love to do. I don't want to be miserable everyday at a job I hate. I want to wake up loving my job and able to provide for my family. I don't need to best things in the world. Just a roof over our head, food in our mouth and clothes to wear. He has no ambition to better himself or better his families life. It sucks.
 

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Before we were married he was living with his parents. Making the same amount of money he is now. He got a promotion at work and he was getting paid more money, which was wonderful. But the STRESS was too much on him, with his new position, that he demoted himself back down to making nothing. He has gone no where since I met him 10 years ago. He has no motivation to better himself, and no future goals. He is stuck and being with him for so long I feel so stuck in a hole. A hole he pulled me into. When we got married it was the same. I got pregnant and was staying home with the baby. Now that my son is older and starting school. I am able to move forward with my life dreams. I am getting certified for a wonderful career path that I am very excited about. My plan is to do something that I love to do. I don't want to be miserable everyday at a job I hate. I want to wake up loving my job and able to provide for my family. I don't need to best things in the world. Just a roof over our head, food in our mouth and clothes to wear. He has no ambition to better himself or better his families life. It sucks.
OK. Sounds like you know what you want. Sounds like you know how he was before you married him. Sounds like you know how he is now.

Money is important in a marriage. So is love. Loving someone as they are, not who you want them to be.

Would your love for him be any different if he made $250,000 per year? How would your relationship with him be any different?
 

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I think you need to go to counseling yourself to get some confidence and self esteem. You keep taking this man back after how many years of him doing this to you? Get yourself help so you don't find the need to take him back. You deserve better and so do your kids. If you don't stop this cycle with him, your kids will suffer.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I think you need to go to counseling yourself to get some confidence and self esteem. You keep taking this man back after how many years of him doing this to you? Get yourself help so you don't find the need to take him back. You deserve better and so do your kids. If you don't stop this cycle with him, your kids will suffer.
I been in counseling for a year now. I started going when he left me again, I needed to go to figure out how to stop taking him back and wanted to know why I keep taking him back. A few things came up in the sessions that I reazlied. But I still kept taking him back, even while I was still going to counseling.

My counselor tried talking me out of getting abck together with him, but I didn't listen. I went back to him. And she just tried helping me through it, and giving me advice.

Can therapy really help you gain confidence and self esteem? How? SO what do I tell my counselor this is what I want to work on, and shell help me get it?

thanks for reply
 
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