[Inoverhead]

I need to get this off my chest as I have been keeping it bottled in for a long time.

Bit of background been "married" for three years. Both the wife and I are 31. She is a highly successful medical professional and I am now unemployed as my area of study is pretty much jobless. I had been attending classes to switch to another profession but our caustic relationship eventually destroyed that. We have split up twice, both times with me leaving. Our fights are so disgusting that I had decided it was better for everyone to just leave. I am currently still not living with her which is where I find myself now.

We had been talking off and on and met up a few times. This involved sexual intercourse. She had decided to get off the birth control and I am really stupid not to have kept my pants on. I was still in the frame of mind of getting my own life in order before dealing with her and our marriage, but now there is a real strong possibility she is pregnant. She has always wanted kids and I have not, so needless to say she will have it. I can't honestly think of a worse thing to happen at this time. The problem is I can't just "man up" for the kid, because there is no work in this town that can just be found. My wife will not move under any circumstances. It looks like I am destined to be a dead beat dad, even though that is really that last failure I want on my shoulders. Even if the wife and I stayed together for the child it would eventually turn back into the living hell it was when I left, which please believe me was no place for a kid.

I guess thats enough rambling. I don't even know what advice could even help. I just know that this is without a doubt the worst I have ever felt in my entire life.

 

[moxy]

You don't have to get back together with her. In fact, if your relationship is that bad, then make sure you don't get back together with her. Move to wherever you can find work. Send money for child support. Set up a fund for your child so that you can contribute financially when you are able to or as a trust for when the child is older. And, visit the child once a month or one weekend per month. If you can't be there full-time, try to be there part time. It would be a small sacrifice for you, but it would mean the whole world of difference to your kid.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

Hang in there, Inoverhead!

1. Quit beating yourself up for having unprotected sex with your wife; it happens. We're human and we make mistakes and do things we know we shouldn't. Give yourself a break!

2. It may still turn out for the best that your wife is NOT pregnant. No use getting yourself completely racked up when you don't even know definitively if she is or she isn't. Needless to say, if she ISN'T, MAKE SURE YOU DON'T MAKE THIS MISTAKE TWICE.

3. If she DOES turn out to be pregnant, that is NO REASON to stay in an unhealthy relationship. Move to somewhere YOU can find a job and get employed. The world in general, and your life in particular, will start to look much better/brighter when YOU feel like you have some control in it. Look into changing your course of study to something else you're interested in with decent career prospects.

4. If you become a father, you can be as involved as possible with your child as Moxy pointed out. Again, starting to take back control of YOUR life step by step (moving, employment, studying) will HELP YOU feel more positive about the role you can play in your child's life.

It's been tough on you recently, and I think it's just the convergence of a number of negative things all at once. Does your school offer some kind of mental health facility for students? You might avail yourself of some free/low-cost counseling to help you understand WHY your relationship is so toxic, what you can do to avoid another relationship like this one, and set some goals/plans for your short-term and long-term future.

Good luck, and keep posting here. We're interested and care about helping you cope with a rather tumultuous time in your life. IT WILL GET BETTER.

 

[Toffer]

Also, since you've been apart for a while, I would have the child (if she is pregnant) DNA tested to be sure it's really yours and not some other guy's

If it's yours, move where you have to for a job. Send support for the child. This is YOUR responsibility. Be a man and step up!

 

[Inoverhead]

Thanks for the kind words. Good news, I won't be fathering kids any time soon. Now I can continue fighting the good fight I guess. Still confused on what to do with me and her. I hate failing at things especially something as important as marriage. When things are good they are great but man can they get real bad. Its a strange thing, she is probably one the kindest people I've met. I trust her completely even with us separated.