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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Any thoughts on how I can help my W be a bit more fun, sexy, adventurous, etc.? She is trying (i think) to be more diligent about having sex at least once per week (yes, that's an improvement:(), but, frankly, it can be a bit boring at times. I think she wants to improve quality, for my sake, but because she's LD I'm thinking she's finding that a bit of a challenge.

Don't get me wrong, some vanilla sex is better than no sex, but we used to ROCK IT so much more.

Ideas?:what:
 

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Re: Improving the "quality" & adventurous attitude

What was different about your lives when you used to ROCK IT compared to now?

You say you "think" she wants to improve quality, does this mean you are just assuming or have you actually talked about it?

Just some starting points.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Yes, she has commented that maybe we should change our location from time to time to try and "spice things up," instead of just the bedroom. We were on the couch last night, but still it was pretty vanilla and not too exciting. Just a different room.
 

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Have you tried to suggest a new position? If so how does she react?

What is it that you are missing and would like to happen?---- have you been clear with her about want you want?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Yes, she knows very well that I desire more from our sex life. For the past few years I've been the sole initiator, many times being told NO. I also get told NO, or get really weird looks, when I suggest new positions, oral sex, sex games, etc. The ball is somewhat in her court at this point, and we've both agreed on that, as my ego simply can't take the continued rejection.
 

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I'm sorry for your situation, I was going to suggest Sex games or bathtub games, those are a few things that helped me to be comfortable opening up more. Maybe you could try romantic games that aren't too racey but more of conversation starters to get the ball rolling.
 

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Yes, she knows very well that I desire more from our sex life. For the past few years I've been the sole initiator, many times being told NO. I also get told NO, or get really weird looks, when I suggest new positions, oral sex, sex games, etc. The ball is somewhat in her court at this point, and we've both agreed on that, as my ego simply can't take the continued rejection.
Well if she's done something, be encouraging. Even if it is just a different room. Otherwise you're basically waiting for her to suggest everything you've already wanted to do and then she can't win.

What has she said she might like to do? Could you take maybe the different location thing and work with that?
 

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How to inspire an attitude change in another ...does not have any easy answers I'm afraid. She is Low Drive...her mind is less geared to go there, because she is not craving that sort of connection, not needing filled. It's very unfortunate...

What are her turn ons ?

I would think working on the emotional connection in sex is the greatest thing one can do - with a lower driving spouse. They may not physically crave the ACT, but they'll still CRAVE the togetherness ...that so often leads to the
, if she just allows you to turn her on.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...allowing-our-partner-turn-us-love-making.html

The higher driver is always going to be more Creative sexually .... more erotic, and this is OK.. Expecting too much from the lower drive will only leave you frustrated. But seeking to see where she is willing to go ~ with you, to enjoy .....this is your cause.

How you treat her outside of the bedroom will be huge here, your patience, and that encouragement even at the smallest suggestions... RUN with it, show your excitement at these things, this should inspire her to do this a little more often.... seeing how happy it makes her husband.

So she is against Sex games? Have you tried a Board game... one can even scrap the board & just use the cards ... at your bedside... We have this one Discover Your Lover Adult Board Game - Review - it will introduce many new things as you play along....with much learning/ sexual facts ...has like 300 cards...affectionate, intimate & passionate cards, & task cards....

Another poster said this once....>>>
Norajane said: Feeling sexy means you're connected to the woman inside you - the woman who is about more than raising children and being a homemaker, the woman who is a sexual being.
Sex starts inbetween the ears, it is a mindset... it is passion in action. SEXY a state of mind. It is in how one FEELS around their Lover... how they make us FEEL about ourselves, our bodies... .

Your wife Needs some inspiration ...something to stir her dopamine levels ...towards you.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ping-dopamine-flowing-long-term-marriage.html


Compliments of "ThreeTimesAlady" (below)... we all need some inspiration once in a while to MOVE us , encourage us in this sexual mindset....this was written AFTER menopause -where her hormones were not as in flow as us younger ladies have in reserve....but yet you can FEEL the passion as she speaks...about her man, her marriage....about Love & Sex....


Sex is desiring him every time you look at him. Needing him to fill that wonderful yearning deep inside you that needs filling & to die for. Sex is having breasts that ached to be touched & loved & you can not live without it. Sex is waking him up in the middle of the night as you need him & want him & then you find that he wants you just as much & you make love for an hour & get up & have coffee & wonder where the years have gone. Sex is finding the thrill after years of a man that can still make you scream & turn you to mush. Sex is turning him into a crazy man who wants you more than his own life.

Now. Love is being able to see some fault in your lover but shutting your mouth for the good of a marriage. Love is having to give & take in a marriage. Learning where to stop an argument when it is not important to win. Winning sometimes can be losing. Love is being able to find in that precious other the boy in the man that you fell in love when you 1st married. Love is being able to go to the sexiest side of you & turn that man into mush after all these years. Love is being able to hear from your lover that if you die first he will follow you as he cannot live without you . Love is the sunshine in the morning when it is cloudy out but seeing him next to you makes your world. Love is being able to say screwing & not being embarrassed plus any other really dirty word in the bedroom as he loves it. The dirtier the better as we all know that ladies do not talk dirty with those wonderful words but we also know as ladies that when we enter our bedroom to our precious that we leave the lady at the door. We then turn into his sex siren. As hot & as sensual as can be. And then we all know that when we leave that bedroom we again pick up the lady. All us ladies must have the two faces of Eve. This makes for a very very fullfilling marriage, full of intimacy and Love. A man would never stray if he had this.
....... Some good ideas here >> Secret to good sex is in your mind .....
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
It's difficult because she's so LD that she's almost ND. Suggestions are right though that I need to be more supportive and nurturing when she does something fun with me like a location change. Those are good suggestions. Thank you!
 

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****ing eh to all the guy who understand that a woman needs and desires to feel sexy, you feel sexy frisky you have sex.

Work on her mind.

Last I felt like a sex goddess. I had it 5 times passed out in a heap, and we still stayed up way to late, woke up at six am and everything was right and beautiful and quiet in the world.
It's funny how making love can alter your outlook the next day.


So yeah back to topic, work her mind , make her believe how incredibly sexy she is to you. Just thinking about being inside of her makes you wanna....


You get my drift
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What Michie said.

I know how much my guy wants me, I know how sexy he thinks I am. I want to do it with him everyday and twice some days.

Got to say monkeyboy that sex once a week is not LD to ND. With all due respect could you be giving off a desperate or resentful vibe to your wife? My ex thought twice a year was acceptable, that is ND.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
What Michie said.

Got to say monkeyboy that sex once a week is not LD to ND. With all due respect could you be giving off a desperate or resentful vibe to your wife? My ex thought twice a year was acceptable, that is ND.
I've posted about it another thread, but it's probably worth mentioning here. She's done quite a bit of therapy for her sex avoidance, which is primarily related to a messed up upbringing and a rape during her college years. We started our relationship in a very sexually healthy manner, but it really deteriorated after we had kids, which is when all the details of her rape and childhood came out. We are basically starting at ground zero, with me trying to think of exciting ways to continue in our sex lives, with at the same time not treading into overly-sensitive areas with her.

Yes, I was quite desperate and resentful for a while, but now I'm resigned to just not pushing the issue too much. She knows it's important to me, and I'm really trying to make it her issue and not mine. If she had her way, we'd live in a sexless marriage but full of love in other ways. She just doesn't fully understand yet the impossibility of that (unless, of course, someone has a physical disability that doesn't allow them to have sex). Anyway, there's a lot going on in her history that I'm trying to combat...:scratchhead:
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
By the way, when I indicated we were "sexually healthy" at the beginning, that means that we had fun & adventurous sex often; however, she was just going through the motions for my sake (she said so). She wanted me to be happy, and unfortunately my happiness, at least when it comes to sexual fulfillment, has taken a backseat these days. :(
 

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Keep her in therapy and focus on her mind and sexual self image.

Marriage can be and mostly is a "long term investment".
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How to inspire an attitude change in another ...does not have any easy answers I'm afraid. She is Low Drive...her mind is less geared to go there, because she is not craving that sort of connection, not needing filled. It's very unfortunate...

What are her turn ons ?

I would think working on the emotional connection in sex is the greatest thing one can do - with a lower driving spouse. They may not physically crave the ACT, but they'll still CRAVE the togetherness ...that so often leads to the
, if she just allows you to turn her on.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...allowing-our-partner-turn-us-love-making.html

The higher driver is always going to be more Creative sexually .... more erotic, and this is OK.. Expecting too much from the lower drive will only leave you frustrated. But seeking to see where she is willing to go ~ with you, to enjoy .....this is your cause.

How you treat her outside of the bedroom will be huge here, your patience, and that encouragement even at the smallest suggestions... RUN with it, show your excitement at these things, this should inspire her to do this a little more often.... seeing how happy it makes her husband.

So she is against Sex games? Have you tried a Board game... one can even scrap the board & just use the cards ... at your bedside... We have this one Discover Your Lover Adult Board Game - Review - it will introduce many new things as you play along....with much learning/ sexual facts ...has like 300 cards...affectionate, intimate & passionate cards, & task cards....

Another poster said this once....>>> Sex starts inbetween the ears, it is a mindset... it is passion in action. SEXY a state of mind. It is in how one FEELS around their Lover... how they make us FEEL about ourselves, our bodies... .

Your wife Needs some inspiration ...something to stir her dopamine levels ...towards you.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ping-dopamine-flowing-long-term-marriage.html


Compliments of "ThreeTimesAlady" (below)... we all need some inspiration once in a while to MOVE us , encourage us in this sexual mindset....this was written AFTER menopause -where her hormones were not as in flow as us younger ladies have in reserve....but yet you can FEEL the passion as she speaks...about her man, her marriage....about Love & Sex....




....... Some good ideas here >> Secret to good sex is in your mind .....
OMG!!! SO Right...:smthumbup::iagree:
 

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Yes, she has commented that maybe we should change our location from time to time to try and "spice things up," instead of just the bedroom. We were on the couch last night, but still it was pretty vanilla and not too exciting. Just a different room.

Ok, well, I'll bet that "improving quality" means "improving her enjoyment".

Now, you don't have to be "high drive" to enjoy it. I can't imagine anyone turning down a mind bending orgasm. The problem is that she's not getting it. Heck, even if you had little sex drive, the endorphin release after one of those is enough to want more.

So, you're going to have to find ways to make sure it feels so danged good for her that she looks forward to it, rather than it being a chore with mildly pleasant side effects.

I know three absolutely sure fire ways to get my W to the big O, big enough to make her collapse afterward breathing hard. If you don't know how to do that, then probably you need to start learning how.
 

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The ball is somewhat in her court at this point, and we've both agreed on that, as my ego simply can't take the continued rejection.
Big screw up on your part going this route. From the outside, it seems her goal is to stall on the variety aspect of your sex life. So, she varies in limited ways (the sofa instead of the bed is a good example) only.

So, your solution is to put her in charge of something that is not only unappealing to her (not necessarily difficult) but also she would avoid if given the chance. How is that supposed to get you the results you want?

Then, you told her your ego is damaged from the rejection and you'd sooner stop asking than push for change?:banghead: You need to separate your self-esteem from her rejection of you. You need to take more of an attitude of "it's your loss" with her on this issue.

If you let her rejection deflate and harm you like this, you have two problems:

1) You seem weak and whiny, and that is unappealing
2) She will know she can manipulate you if she is so inclined, and may bully you by playing on your feelings.

Toughen up and don't let this get swept under the rug if it is important to you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Big screw up on your part going this route. From the outside, it seems her goal is to stall on the variety aspect of your sex life. So, she varies in limited ways (the sofa instead of the bed is a good example) only.

So, your solution is to put her in charge of something that is not only unappealing to her (not necessarily difficult) but also she would avoid if given the chance. How is that supposed to get you the results you want?

Then, you told her your ego is damaged from the rejection and you'd sooner stop asking than push for change?:banghead: You need to separate your self-esteem from her rejection of you. You need to take more of an attitude of "it's your loss" with her on this issue.

If you let her rejection deflate and harm you like this, you have two problems:

1) You seem weak and whiny, and that is unappealing
2) She will know she can manipulate you if she is so inclined, and may bully you by playing on your feelings.

Toughen up and don't let this get swept under the rug if it is important to you.
Some great advice on this post so far, and I really think this is right (especially what DTO wrote). I've just started reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy," because I think I'm a classic example and need to start my recovery.

Here a brief history:
I was always a "nice guy." Lots of respect & love from girls, but rarely relationships that lasted, and many times blown off by the girls I really wanted because I was the "friend." Ugh!

When I hit my late 20's and got burned by one girl in particular I got pretty tired of the nice guy stuff and went out looking to fulfill my needs ONLY. I wasn't a total ********* or anything, but really wasn't looking into feelings, relationships, etc. That's when I met my wife. She wanted to get away from guys who were jerks, and I was somewhere in between the nice guy & the a-hole.

After a finishing up my career in a particularly unnerving profession, I found I was jaded & angry and went into counseling. I wasn't a very happy guy, and felt a lot of anger inside me. Ironically, our sex life was still pretty good. I found some peace through counseling and my faith This was good on many fronts, though it was also during this time that my wife started to disconnect from me sexually. She was also quite pregnant, so I figured some of it was due to that, but she never really recovered her sexuality.

A little over a year ago we had a talk that led to her telling me she's never really been sexual, had an orgasm, had a history or rape in college and her family was totally screwed up too (that I kind of knew, but not how totally dysfunctional & unloving they were). We entered into counseling and she had some fear that I'd divorce her, though I told her I NEVER would. I now think that saying I'd NEVER divorce her was probably a mistake. I didn't need to say that. She took that and ran with it (I think). Counseling was OK, but we are still dealing with her issue of sex avoidance.

I really have not let on to her about my wounded feelings since counseling, but she probably still knows she holds that power against me. I'm desperate for good sex. She knows it and throws me a "bone" every now and then, but like I've said, it's pretty vanilla and boring. She thinks that's enough to shut me up/down for a while, but it's really not. The intimacy is really not there. I've tried explaining this whole thing to her, but honestly she just doesn't get it. It probably has much more to do at this point with my actions now than what I say to her.

Like I said, I've just started reading NMMNG, so I'm hoping for some ideas in that, and after chapter once it looks very very very promising!

Here's my question, DTO: So, if I don't allow her to be in control of our sex lives and take that lead role back, what happens when I'm rejected totally or told "no" to a new position, oral, etc.? What do I do say/do? I don't want to be sad about it, and frankly that's usually not my feeling anyway. It's more like frustration and anger, but I don't think she needs to see that either. I'm also not asking you how I should feel, because you're right. I need to disconnected my self-esteem from her rejection, and that's something I can work on. But I would like some advice on what to do in that situation. It's usually an "in the moment" thing, so I'm just wondering what my reaction should look like. I'm really trying to learn and improve my life here - I think I've been the cause of much of what is going on. Her history has some to do with it, but my "nice guy" behaviors certainly haven't helped. I think the pressure to keep our love alive should start to be on her, right???:scratchhead:

Also, I've read around here not to let on that you're reading NMMNG to your partner, but the book says to share it. I'm inclined to not even tell her and just starting changing. Thoughts on that???
 
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