Big screw up on your part going this route. From the outside, it seems her goal is to stall on the variety aspect of your sex life. So, she varies in limited ways (the sofa instead of the bed is a good example) only.
So, your solution is to put her in charge of something that is not only unappealing to her (not necessarily difficult) but also she would avoid if given the chance. How is that supposed to get you the results you want?
Then, you told her your ego is damaged from the rejection and you'd sooner stop asking than push for change?:banghead: You need to separate your self-esteem from her rejection of you. You need to take more of an attitude of "it's your loss" with her on this issue.
If you let her rejection deflate and harm you like this, you have two problems:
1) You seem weak and whiny, and that is unappealing
2) She will know she can manipulate you if she is so inclined, and may bully you by playing on your feelings.
Toughen up and don't let this get swept under the rug if it is important to you.
Some great advice on this post so far, and I really think this is right (especially what DTO
wrote). I've just started reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy," because I think I'm a classic example and need to start my recovery.
Here a brief history:
I was always a "nice guy." Lots of respect & love from girls, but rarely relationships that lasted, and many times blown off by the girls I really wanted because I was the "friend." Ugh!
When I hit my late 20's and got burned by one girl in particular I got pretty tired of the nice guy stuff and went out looking to fulfill my needs ONLY. I wasn't a total ********* or anything, but really wasn't looking into feelings, relationships, etc. That's when I met my wife. She wanted to get away from guys who were jerks, and I was somewhere in between the nice guy & the a-hole.
After a finishing up my career in a particularly unnerving profession, I found I was jaded & angry and went into counseling. I wasn't a very happy guy, and felt a lot of anger inside me. Ironically, our sex life was still pretty good. I found some peace through counseling and my faith This was good on many fronts, though it was also during this time that my wife started to disconnect from me sexually. She was also quite pregnant, so I figured some of it was due to that, but she never really recovered her sexuality.
A little over a year ago we had a talk that led to her telling me she's never really been sexual, had an orgasm, had a history or rape in college and her family was totally screwed up too (that I kind of knew, but not how totally dysfunctional & unloving they were). We entered into counseling and she had some fear that I'd divorce her, though I told her I NEVER would. I now think that saying I'd NEVER divorce her was probably a mistake. I didn't need to say that. She took that and ran with it (I think). Counseling was OK, but we are still dealing with her issue of sex avoidance.
I really have not let on to her about my wounded feelings since counseling, but she probably still knows she holds that power against me. I'm desperate for good sex. She knows it and throws me a "bone" every now and then, but like I've said, it's pretty vanilla and boring. She thinks that's enough to shut me up/down for a while, but it's really not. The intimacy is really not there. I've tried explaining this whole thing to her, but honestly she just doesn't get it. It probably has much more to do at this point with my actions now than what I say to her.
Like I said, I've just started reading NMMNG, so I'm hoping for some ideas in that, and after chapter once it looks very very very
Here's my question, DTO
: So, if I don't allow her to be in control of our sex lives and take that lead role back, what happens when I'm rejected totally or told "no" to a new position, oral, etc.? What do I do say/do? I don't want to be sad about it, and frankly that's usually not my feeling anyway. It's more like frustration and anger, but I don't think she needs to see that either. I'm also not asking you how I should feel, because you're right. I need to disconnected my self-esteem from her rejection, and that's something I can work on. But I would like some advice on what to do
in that situation. It's usually an "in the moment" thing, so I'm just wondering what my reaction should look like. I'm really trying to learn and improve my life here - I think I've been the cause of much of what is going on. Her history has some to do with it, but my "nice guy" behaviors certainly haven't helped. I think the pressure to keep our love alive should start to be on her, right???:scratchhead:
Also, I've read around here not to let on that you're reading NMMNG to your partner, but the book says to share it. I'm inclined to not even tell her and just starting changing. Thoughts on that???