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This is my first ever post anywhere... I have read and researched and prayed and cried. My story: I found out through a long drawn out process that my spouse is having an affair. I've had a few D-Day's because first it was "emotional" then "just kissing" then "sex only 5 times" then finally the truth (or what I think is now the truth) A full blown affair for the past 18 months with a mutual friend. I have tried everything. Read everything. But I just can't take the pain anymore and I need a resolution. I want to stay married. I do not want to lose may marriage. I deeply love my spouse and know that I can forgive but my spouse has thus far not ended the affair. So after all the Plan A's and Plan B's and my therapy and my spouse's therapy, I have said I am letting go... that as long as the AP is still in my spouse's life, I am no longer an option. I did this yesterday then proceeded to get drunk to escape and wake up to realization that letting go hurts just as bad or worse because I am still so in love. My head tells me to move forward and take care of myself but my heart loves and is hopeful that something will change. My spouse cried when I gave my "I'm Letting You Go" letter and today has told me that "I think you are making a mistake. If I loved my AP more I would be with them"... That my spouse intends to cut off contact with the AP and myself and go to a family members home to get stronger with the intention of being a better spouse. Hopeful right? Just up until I asked if my spouse were to stay home (because there might be a possibility that staying with family is not an option) would they still cut off contact with the AP while at home. The answer was "I don't know". Then "It doesn't matter because my AP broke it off with me this week for not leaving you". Now I'm rambling. I don't know what I'm looking for here. Support? Advice? a Friend? or just to get some of it out and vent. All I know is "Just Letting Go" is not easy when you are still in love.
 

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UGH so basically because the AP ended it now he/she is wanting to go to a family members house and work on being a better person?! NOT HARDLY....you're plan B and that truly sucks.

I'd tell him/her to go and and be with the other person.....he/she cant genuinely love you and still have a relationship with the AP.
 

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So sorry you have to go through this! If he's not fully committed to you you are doing the right thing by "letting go". Please try and focus on you and take it day by day. Try not to abuse alcohol, it doesn't help at all in the long run.
Heartbreak is the worst pain ever.
 

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Follow throgh the "letting go" speech with serving him the papers. Also forward the filing papers to OW.
He's a major, entitled cake eater.
Divorce takes time. Put the ball rolling.
Hard, cold 180.
 

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Loving someone does not mean that you have to put up with their crud like a door mat. You need to show them how serious you really are with "letting go" especially because they are so flaky and sounding like a cake eater.
It has to be hard because you love your spouse but that does not mean that they can trample you and be wishy washy. We teach people how to treat us so my question is how do you want your spouse to treat you?
 

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You have to let go because yo are seriously not in control over the situation right now and that empowers him/her. Focus on you and care for you. Whatever is in the cards for you will come naturally, him or anyone else.

I had a lot of pain and a 2 year old son, and my WH did not respect me until I let him go. Then I was in charge of things. I tell you this not so you think that he will come back but just so you understand that things will happen when they have to happen, not when we want them to happen and an 18 month long affair is pretty long.

The only person that should matter right now is YOU. I would remind myself of all the things he did to me so I could let go, started calling my friends and would go out when he had our son, went back to training, read, threw myself in work and started running marathons. You are the only one who matters!
 

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Still Standing:

You love this woman? Do you know what love is? Are you emotionally mature enough to recognize it? Do you know that un-reciprocated love is not love at all?

Here are some signs that indicate you are in love. And if it's really love then the signs apply to her too. How many can you check off for BOTH of you?

True love may be hard to define, but the signs to read true love can be clearly seen in every perfect loving relationship.

If you’re in a relationship and want to know if you’re experiencing the purest form of love, use these 12 signs of true love to find out for yourself.

#1 Give and take in love. You give to the relationship wholeheartedly, without any desire or expectations of getting something back in return from your partner to justify your actions.

#2 Pure happiness. Just watching this special person smile or laugh out loud fills you with intense happiness, even if you’re suffering or having a hard day.

#3 Pain and anger. You get terribly hurt when your lover upsets you, but their actions never anger you. You may get annoyed or frustrated now and then momentarily, but you just can’t stay mad at them for long because staying mad or giving them the silent treatment hurts you more.

#4 Sacrifices. You make sacrifices for their happiness or wellbeing, even if they may never realize it.

#5 The right effort. You go to great lengths and make an effort to improve the relationship, and play a conscious part in trying to please your partner and make them feel loved and special.

#6 You can’t ever hurt them. When you’re truly in love with someone, you can’t even imagine hurting them, emotionally or physically. Payback is a strong human instinct, but true love makes you completely selfless.

#7 You keep your promises. When you make a promise to them, you stick to your word even if this person will never find out if you broke their promise. When you experience true love, your moral conscience becomes very strong when it comes to this one special person.

#8 We. In a perfect relationship, it’s good to have your own space to grow as individuals. But at the same time, if you truly love your partner, you’d see them as a part of your life. When you think of your future, you can’t help but see them by your side.

#9 You share their burden. And you do that even if you don’t really have to. You can’t bear to see this special someone suffering. If they’re dealing with some issue, you’re always willing to offer them a helping hand even when you have your own difficulties to look into.

#10 Pride and jealousy. You beam with pride when they achieve something, even if it’s the same thing you failed at. You may get jealous of a friend who outdid you, but when you love someone, jealousy never enters the picture.

#11 Suffering. You’d be willing to suffer, just to see them happy.

#12 Their perspective. Everything you do, you keep your lover in mind and think from their perspective, be it about planning a surprise party or hanging out with your own friends after work. You don’t ever want to hurt your lover, so you always think from their point of view before making any decision that involves them in any way.
Still Standing, if I read your post correctly, your wife has more of these signs with her OM than she does with you.
 

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Well, this is heartbreaking to read. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this.

Your spouse is not worth this pain. Simply said.

Letting go will eventually give you the strength to see that you are the better human being. He/she has allowed this hurt. He/she is selfish.

The AP broke it off because your spouse wouldn't leave you. Well, now you've left so their relationship can continue. When this happens you will see what your spouse's real preference is. Again, so sorry.
 

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I did this yesterday then proceeded to get drunk to escape and wake up to realization that letting go hurts just as bad or worse because I am still so in love.
I reread your post and processed this bit.

PLEASE understand that the pain of letting go may be worse now, but it won't be for the long term. The pain will be much worse for you in the long run if you stay in the status quo. Your spouse won't give up the AP & says (s)he loves you more. This implies love for the AP. This sort of open cake-eating will be a bleeding wound that only gets worse for you.

Your decision to let go is the best way for the pain to diminish.
 

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From your post it seems to me you are the BH and spouse is your wife.

Buy her a one way ticket far away and tell her she has until she returns to figure out who she wants. Tell her if you are not Plan A, she has time to figure out a new Plan B cause she ain't gonna stay with you.
 
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