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Discussion Starter #1
I have been married 9 years.

I will admit that I had no business getting married. Looking back there were all kinds of reasons why I shouldn't have done this, but the past is the past.

I am 62 years old. I am getting early social security. Not much, $1065.00 each month.

My husband is 66 and retired and his income is $3,500.00 per month.

Here is the issue.

We have nothing in common. We only get along as long as I keep my mouth shut and as long as we do not discuss financial issues.

I have no money at all other than the $1,065.00 I'm saving each month in the hope that maybe some day I can leave.

There are all kinds of issues I have with this man. He's an alcoholic, he's a sex addict, he is extremely passive aggressive, he is also controlling in a passive aggressive way.

Here is my problem.

I have no car...........the only vehicle we have my husband conveniently had it put in his name only.

My husband doesn't believe in saving money, so we have no savings.
He drinks up most of our money.

My husband has high cholestrol, high blood pressure, and I'm sure his liver is toast. He has chosen not to have any supplemental medical insurance. We have no medical insurance on me at his choice.

I have no family support network whatsoever. So there would be no help there.

My work experience is that I worked all of my adult life as an Office Manager, Admin. Assistant, Executive Secretary. I have not worked for the last 9 years. My husband does not want me to go to work; he sabotages any effort I make to try and go to work.

I don't know what to do.

I basically feel like I'm totally trapped.

If I just pack my bags, take the $6,000.00 I've saved, walk out the door.........that is not enough money for me to "purchase a car, rent a place to live, purchase furniture, and have enough money to live on until I could find a job to supplement my social security.

My 87 year old elderly mother thinks I need to just buck up and stay put, even though I'm raped every single day, and I have to deal with an alcoholic. I'm an only child and god forbit if something were to happen to my mother I would stand to inherit enough money to leave and I wouldn't have to worry about finding a job at my age.
However, at the present time she is not willing to help me financially at all. She has never been willing to help me financially. Her belief is when you become an adult you stand on your own two feet and you do not get any help from anyone. So, I can kiss any help from her goodbye.

Some might say...."Well, you are stuck. Given your situation you just need to buck up and make the best of this problem and stay put!"

Some might say....."Well, I'd leave no matter what the outcome." And just let the chips fall where they may."

I believe if I left, I'd be faced with some "real" financial hardships, but yet emotionally I'd feel better. Some say "real financial hardships can really have a negative effect on a persons emotions.

I don't know what to do.
 

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Can you at least stay with your mother? If you showed up at her door step, would she really turn you away? Given your situation, I would take the financial hardship and leave him. Easy for me to say, not so easy for you to do. If you stay, you know nothing will get better. If you leave, at least you have a chance at a better life.
 

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Find a furnished apartment or room on public transportation. Doesn't have to be fancy. Start looking for a job without advertising it to him. Get everything in order and leave with your $6K.
 

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I don't know where you are, but I would check out women's shelters if I were you. You would have a roof over your head while you made decisions on how to provide for yourself. Again, not sure where you are but is government funded housing a choice? They are often geared to income, so if you can land yourself one of those (perhaps apply in secret?) you can move there. This way you can stretch the $1065 as much as possible. If owning a car isn't an option right now, then don't own. Live somewhere close to subway and use public transport. I don't know where you live and even if any of this is a possibility... but these are just my suggestions. Good luck.
 

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Obviously you are extemely unhappy, and that alone is enough reason to leave. And, you definitely should have a job if you want. But, I think in some ways the numbers just don't add up and I wonder if there's something else going on.

He gets 3,500 per month in SSI (probably pre-tax). After he pays taxes on that, he keeps less than $3,000. He pays all your bills (you said you save your $1,065) on a modest retirement income ($100 per day). Are there bills not being paid or is he taking out loans / selling assets to survive? How is he managing to get drunk every day and support the household?

A comprehensive health insurance plan for someone your age is probably around $800 - $1,000 per month. Can he even afford that on his income? You have to be 65 to collect Medicare; that's why he has it and you do not.

Wanting sex daily does not make him a sex fiend or pervert. You of course resent having sex with him if you are so dissatisfied with the marriage. But unless he is physically holding you down and forcing himself into you, you should not be calling him a rapist either. If he is, you should be calling the police. I say this not because I doubt you, but because my own ex accused me of abusing her (which meant that I complained about the sex, which made her feel bad, and she refused to own her feelings).

Either way, things don't add up as presented. But, your options (and potentially your outlook on life) will drastically improve if you build your financial security for yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Thank you all for your responses.

I didn't want to get into too much fo this as it can be very long.

My husband gets approx. $3,500 per month in income. I take in $1,065.00 per month as well. However, the $1,065 goes automatically into a checking account in my name and that gets saved. My husband has no say in this. I don't want this money going into the marriage pot. He doesn't like this, but so far he hasn't done anything about it.

We live each month from income to income. No money gets saved. My husband doesn't believe in saving. He views money in a very different way than I do. He doesn't believe in budgeting, nor ARE WE TO DISCUSS FINANCIAL ISSUES PER HIM.
Everything each month that is purchased is to be purchased on credit card(PER HIM). When the statement comes in the credit cards are paid in full. We pay high rent....$1,200.00 per month and that is high for an apartment here. We live in North Carolina, moved here three years ago from Florida. My husband owned a successful Kitchen and Bath Design Store for 20 years, and when we married we had a home built in Florida. Due to the construction economy, and his lack of financial savvy he lost his business and subsequently lost our home. This home was in his name, so my credit will not be hurt. He doesn't seem to care about his credit. As far as he is concerned we will live in an apartment for the duration of his life.

My husband spends approx. $300.00 per month on booz alone. He doesn't go out of the home to drink, he sits here and drinks between 9-12 alcoholic drinks per day. He drinks Vodka, Scotch, Whisky, and Beer. Yes, he still stands at the end of the day. As a matter of fact he "hardly" ever looks/acts drunk. He has been doing this all of his life. His liver is toast I'm sure.

My husband does not have supplemental medical insurance. He has extremely high blood pressure, extremely high cholestrol. He is at high risk for a heart attack or stroke. He refuses to take medication for these issues as he doesn't believe in Doctors.

I personally feel that he will have a heart attack or stroke, and that being the case, then I can see HUGE MEDICAL BILLS. He could have a heart attack/stroke and wind up in the hospital for months.....guess what.............I'd be stuck with the bills!!! This is he needs to get supplemental insurance!!! I can't file bankruptcy if this were to happen to him!! As for me, I need "some kind of insurance". I was thinking we could get "major medical on me". That couldn't cost much.
Trying to talk to him about this is like pulling teeth!!! He REFUSES TO DISCUSS important issues with me. I'm to be seen, not heard.

As far as the sex addict goes. My husband, since day one, has expected me to have sex with him each morning at 6:30 whether I want to or not!!! I have no say in this matter whatsoever!!! At 6:30am he wakes me up each day.......I have not been able to sleep in in 9 years!!!! If I say no, and it doesn't matter how I try to say not, he becomes very angry, if I try to just get out of bed, he grabs me, and I'm am going to do this whether I want to or not. In his eyes he thinks I owe him this because in his eyes he is so good to me that I "should" want to basically kiss his feet and do whatever it is he wants.
If I really put up a stink and slap his arms when he grabs me, (which I've done about 5 times in 9 years..........he gets up, sulks all day, pouts, is rude to me, angry all day, is basically a jerk........just because I didn't do what he wanted. I've, trust me have tried to talk to him about this............Again, we do not talk about any issue he doesn't want to talk about.

I've stayed in this marriage for 9 years because I have no where to go. Also because when I look at the whole picture unless I have some money saved to leave with my life would be worse than what I have here.

As long as I do what I'm told, don't attempt to discuss any important/serious issues with him.......example: Alcholic, Sex, money, lifestyle issues with me we get along fine.

I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.

Ideally what I want to do is be able to tell him I'm moving out, be able to take some of my things with me, be able to pay for a mover, be able to rent myself a reasonbly nice place. Have the money to purchase a car (as public transport is bad here). Have enough money support myself for a few months while I try and find some kind of job to supplement my social security.

I do not handle stress well and the older I get the less I handle it. I don't want a lot of trauma/drama trying to adjust to living on my own again.

I said this would be long.

Thanks for listening
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Ialso wanted to say that had I known these things about my husband before we married I guarantee you that I would not have married him.

I had been single for 20 years before getting married again.

I was living in Florida and I met my husband on a dating/match making site. Yes, yes, I now realise that this was a mistake. I've killedf myself many times over for this. We dated for about a month when I moved to PA>

When we met, I was out of work. I couldn't buy a job in the state of Florida. I was three unemployment checks away from living on the streets. I had been out of work for 18 months!! I had gone through any savings I had; I was in a very bad postion. I finally found a job in PA.......charged the whole move on a credit card and moved to PA.

My husband continued to court me long distance. He would fly every weekend to PA, wined and dined me, did everything right. I was extremely vulnerable. He promosed the world to me; I was totally blindsided, taken in by his promises, etc. We only dated for a total of about 3 months. In those 3 months I didn't see any alcoholic traits in him at all. He hid it very very well. When he was around me he would drink only about 2 drinks in total a day. The sex thing, well since we only were with each other on the weekends, then I didn't see the problem there.

My husband is a very controlling passive aggressive individual, and I have now realized that he will not change, nor will he seek counseling. He doesn't believe in that.
 

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Just a few more thoughts....

I would go see a counselor about these issues, however I can't afford $200.00 per hour to see one. I've been to them before when I was single and I know that a one time visit doesn't solve the problems. So, this is why I haven't been to see one.
We do go to church, however my husband is real close friends with the pastor, so I don't dare seek counseling with the pastor.

I want to be clear.....I am not a prude. When I was single I was considered by my friends,etc to be a very sexual person. I personally would like sex a couple times a week. Do I want it every single day....absolutely not!!! Because of being forced/coehersed into this I have come to find the whole sex act disgusting!!! When did sex between two people become one sided??? When I was single I had single girl friends who told me they frankly did not like to have sex because in their past they had been forced to by husbands/boyfriends and it totally turned them off to sex. I didn't experience any of that until I married. I now know what how they felt. I can't even, during the day show any affection towards my husband as he then wants to take it to the bedroom. My feelings towards him now are that I don't even want to show him any affection at all. And, by most of my friends I was always considered very affectionate.

Also, I'm not a prude in the social drinking area. I don't think there is anything wrong with having a mixed drink/wine (or two) in the evenings, but not to the level that my husband drinks.

Nuff said!
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I'm sorry...I'm on a roll this morning I guess.

I'm just soooo angry at myself for getting into this mess.

In answer to one's question: I approached my elderly mother with my problem some time ago. Her response was: "Well, you just better buck up and deal with this." "Afterall when one is married sex is an obligation and you need to just deal with it." She didn't see any problem with this at all. I wanted to vomit!!!

So, there is no support from my mother at all.

We we were married about 3 months I did approach my husband regarding the drinking issue and the sex issue. We had a huge fight and finally my husband said to me that "I would shut up about the sex and alcohol issue or he would make my life so miserable I wouldn't be able to stand it. So, I shut up. I should have left then. But when one doesn't have the resourses to leave with, one becomes afraid. So, one makes the best of it.

I told my husband when he asked me to marry him that if I had to move back to Florida I would not work again. I couldn't put myself through the hell of seeking work. We then made an agreement that when we married I would not work.

Also, I had back surgery when I was single and I cannot work a job that has me standing on my feet for 8 hours a day. It must be a sitting down job. Since we've been married I've developed Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Because I had cobra insurance for a while after we married I did have surgery on my hand. For many reasons this surgery did not take and I still have the problem. So, I'm not able to do computer work for 8 hours a day. So, I do have issues which have scared me into staying.
 

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You're angry with yourself because you feel trapped. There is (as you know) no quick fix to this situation.

1. Forgive yourself for marrying this man. You didn't know any better; he fooled you and you moved too quickly. NOW that you KNOW who/what he is, you do not intend to stay married to him. Give yourself credit for that. You made a mistake, oh my God, you're human like the rest of us. You had imperfect knowledge and did the best you could...NONE of us has perfect knowledge. It's okay, we'll all survive.

2. Make your life more bearable NOW until you can leave. Take some of your $6K and buy a lock for one of the spare bedrooms and put it on the door. Buy yourself a CHEAP cell phone (pre-paid kind, you ONLY pay for it when you use it...like $2 a day ONLY for the days you use it; make a bunch of calls that day - it's still only gonna be $2) and keep it on you AT ALL TIMES. If your H tries to break into your bedroom to attack you, call 9-1-1. Put your cellphone number on your new resumes. Look for a job through a temp service, they can usually find you something RIGHT AWAY.

3. Talk to an abused women's shelter; they can help you escape from your husband, find affordable housing, help you with job training, transportation vouchers, etc.

4. Find a support group (in person, on-line) SOMEWHERE where you can be heard -- your mother doesn't want to listen, but YOU need a friendly ear and a shoulder to cry on. There are other women in your situation, be a friend to each other.

Good luck, willie!
 

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Look. You have 6 thousand dollars. See a divorce lawyer and file for divorce. You have been married for 9 years. There is likely to be some temporary support while you look for a job. Quit being a vicitm. Find out your rights and get out.
 

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agree, playing the victim card, while she banks all her money,lady if you REALLY wanted to move you would find a way.
 

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Willienelsoneisawestie,first of all don't let twiddle dee and dum get to you... some people just have no tact

I'm really sorry you're in this situation. Getting out of an abusive relationship is probably one of the hardest things to do. And the older you are, the more difficult I can imagine it is.

Continue saving your money. Don't let him touch it. That is really your only fall back right now.

The sexual abuse you're expereincing is rape. The next time he grabs your arm or any part of your body to try and force you to have sex, tell him you're going to call the police and then call them. Everytime he does that. It needs to be documented and will most likely get him to stop after the police have shown up 3+ times no one has the right to rape you. Not even your husband.

Right now, a woman's shelter would be your best option. They'll often help you find a job and will drive you to interviews as well. Most that I know of don't charge a thing and if they do its no more than a couple of hundred a month.

A woman's shelter isn't the most apealing place to be, I know. But its so much better than where you are now.

I wish you all my best
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I wish there were a way for me to get over this anger I'm feeling towards myself for getting into this mess! I hate this feeling!
I too felt that shame and embarrassment that I had been fooled by my ex and allowed her to take advantage of me for so long.

But, please know that nothing will change until you stand up for yourself. If you feel so beat down / unworthy / low self-esteem that you cannot muster the enthusiasm and energy to get yourself to a better situation, please seek help for that.
 

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Get a bus ticket and get a divorce.
You can find a roommate situation in a city or urban area, where you wouldn't need a car. You can easily afford a bicycle and helmet, and a good pair of shoes.
Fact is, on $1000 a month you can do okay.
You can get a divorce cheap, you just have to file for reduction of fees, and you can get pro bono legal advice no problem.
Look for a shelter, they are just not for young single women.
It's likely you can qualify for senior housing in a city or suburban area. There are great places for seniors, active senior centers, city gyms with senior discount rates, etc.
I had a lot of older friends when I lived in a city.
They were awesome! Not at all like your husband.
You would be surprised how many friends you can make and how well you can do for yourself if you take a chance.
You shouldn't wait.
Bus ticket, back pack, room at a Y. You can do it.
 

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There isn't even any reason to rush out and get an attorney or get a divorce. Just walk away. Period.

Get a divorce later, when your head is in a better place and you settle into a new life. If there is nothing in your name, let it go...and just walk away. If bills are in your name..... cancel whatever they are, and walk away.

You can do it. You can afford it. Just do it.
 

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Your age can be on your side in this case - I'm quite sure you can find affordable senior housing that you can afford each month on your SS income.

Will you have a lot of furniture at first? Perhaps not, but - wouldn't living simply even if with just a bed and a TV on the floor be better than being raped every day? Why do you need a car right away? Again, why would you rather be abused than think about public transportation.

If you really want to do this - make it happen. The next time your husband forces you to have sex, call the police. Have him arrested, get your stuff together, and leave.
 
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