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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I just read this in another thread:

"Women lose their drive for men who are too nice and do too much for them.'

My wife says I am perfect because I'm so nice and do sooo much for her.... uh oh... I may need to change because I feel like just has sex with me because I am this way and pay all the bills....

All news to me... I need to know more!
 

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Humans are driven by what they cannot have, or things they have to work for. If it is handed to them, then the challenge goes away and they get bored and move onto more of a challenge.

Some women do not see things this way, but they may feel it. I think that you maybe reading a little too much into this. It isn't nice guys that women typically cheat on, it's the guys that over do it.

There is a balance that you need to keep in your marriage. I like to think of it as a fire. If you put too much wood on the fire too quickly you will smother it and put out the flames, leaving no fuel left to burn the fire, if you just add a few logs at a time the fire keeps burning and burning. People are somewhat the same. If you smother them with emotions, do everything for them, you are in essence smothering the flames of your marriage not letting them breath, but if you go slowly, set boundaries, and add fuel slowly then the fire can keep burning.

People naturally want what they cannot have because it is a challenge to get it...
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I'm screwed then.... when I back off she gets un-reasonable and thinks I don't love her anymore, etc...

Oh well, I'm fed up anyway..

If I have to choose, I choose not to do too much like I have been doing. I'm tired of trying to convince myself she loves me.
 

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I'm screwed then.... when I back off she gets un-reasonable and thinks I don't love her anymore, etc...
Oh well, I'm fed up anyway..

If I have to choose, I choose not to do too much like I have been doing. I'm tired of trying to convince myself she loves me.
That's just the backlash. When you change, naturally she's going to change too, just like your attitude would change if hers did on something.

The key is to battle through your desire to sooth her and just keep doing what you're doing (assuming you're not doing anything wrong).
 
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I love Nice Guys... doesn't turn me off at all....once you are married, I don't see why you need a chase.... I do understand needing to laugh, carry on & enjoy your sweet time together... but not a chase...unless you are "playing"/ teasing sexually...that can surely be FUN ...sometimes the woman can take those reigns too.

I prefer the Gentleman Romantic type...so long as he Loves
& lots of togetherness... that is exactly what works for me, if he was too aloof... I'd grow bored with him.

But getting to heart of the matter...if you feel you are doing too much - in order to get into her pants & she is being turned off by you... You may need to change your behaviors...

Taken from Amazon.com: No More Mr. Nice Guy! : Robert A. Glover: Books

Here is a list of NICE GUY Characteristics - Most guys have a few of these, but the headed for doormat status "NICE guys"- posses these in abundance . The book has more detail to each little item of coarse.

Nice Guys are Givers

Nice Guys fix & Caretake

Nice Guys seek approval from others

Nice Guys avoid Conflict

Nice Guys believe they must hide their perceived flaws & mistakes

Nice Guys seek the "right" way to do things

Nice Guys REPRESS their feelings

Nice Guys often try to be different from their fathers

Nice Guys are often more comfortable relating to women than to men

Nice Guys have difficulty making their needs a priority

Nice Guys often make their partner their emotional center
There is problems with each one of those - it's the motivation behind the doing is the issue. What is happening is -- These men have been conditioned to believe that if they are "NICE" they will be loved, get their needs met and have a smooth life.

Here is the "not-so nice" traits of Nice Guys ...

Nice guys can be Dishonest, secretive, compartmentalized, manipulative, controlling, they give to get, passive aggressive, some are full of rage, additive, have difficulty setting boundaries, frequently isolated, often attracted to people & situations that need fixing, frequently have problems in intimate relationships, have issues with sexuality, usually only relatively successful .
Of course those are not true for every Nice guy.. my husband fit 4 of those plus a few we considered halfs in his case.

Good book, it will make many things clear to you to help you on your way to 1st - Win her RESPECT & this should lead to an upped sexual attraction.

Test here >> No More Mr. Nice Guy! - Take the No More Mr. Nice Guy! Self-Assessment

THIS is another book that can help you - more focused on Sexual attraction >>
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: Books
 

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Nicely put SA.

I think a Nice Guy is awesome if paired with someone who recognizes the Nice Guy complex and strives to met the unsaid goals. Really, even thought nice guys are secretive, etc. about what they really want, in most cases they aren't hard to figure out if you're paying attention. I'm sure you'd agree with that SA.

Once you figure out what they really want most in life (sex, financial security, to watch a good hockey game, to have a nice lawn, whatever it is), if you work with them to fell fulfilled in that aspect, everything else will be golden because they nice qualities of the Nice Guy will be on full display.
 
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I love a man that is very, very nice. He does a lot for me/us, he cooks, is romantic and all the nice things.

Sexually he an animal, woohoo.

Being a nice guy around the house I like. I could easily jump his bones while watching him cook or do jobs outside but being too nice and sweet in the bedroom is a turnoff.

Hope this makes sense.
 

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When I see the empirical studies showing this to be true for more than a subclass of all available women, my ears will perk up.

Until then, it's just another pile of unsubstantiated psycho-poo with limited applicability. The ONLY thing that reliably gets me laid at home is treating my woman like a princess.
 

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When I see the empirical studies showing this to be true for more than a subclass of all available women, my ears will perk up.

Until then, it's just another pile of unsubstantiated psycho-poo with limited applicability. The ONLY thing that reliably gets me laid at home is treating my woman like a princess.
How long have you been married Cletus?

Treating my wife like a princess worked great for the first 5 years or so.
 

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How long have you been married Cletus?

Treating my wife like a princess worked great for the first 5 years or so.
27 years. And I, like you, are a data point of exactly one marriage. Which makes us anecdotes.

I have no doubt the advice is good for some marriages. I have no idea to how many, or how universally, it applies.
 

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DH is ridiculously good to me....only makes me want to jump hoops for him, in my case! I rarely turn him down for sex BECAUSE he does so much for me...helps that I'm not LD, however.

Ultimately I think it depends on the woman. I appreciate the "nice guy" because the first time I married a narcissistic jerk! :)
 

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I do have a bit of a short temper and I'm not always a nice guy. My wife tells me I'm like Charlie from two and a half men and she's like Alan. Funny.

I do stand up to her and get really angry at times.

I don't do what she tells me all the time either.

I am more alpha but not controlling her.

I am not a mr nice guy but not a total jerk

My wife's sisters husband is a nice guy and so is my wife's sister, nice people and they get along great, are married and have two kids. If he was a jerk, she wouldn't of married him.

If I was worse than I am now, my wife wouldn't of married me either.

All depends on the woman. My wife was raised frugal, caring, loving, a hard worker and not a lazy princess with an attitude, needing a guy to put her in her place.
 

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I just read this in another thread:

"Women lose their drive for men who are too nice and do too much for them.'

My wife says I am perfect because I'm so nice and do sooo much for her.... uh oh... I may need to change because I feel like just has sex with me because I am this way and pay all the bills....

All news to me... I need to know more!
If sex is regular, then I dont see any need for you to worry. I dont see you complaining about any of her flaws. You arent writing about rejection from her side, you even are writing about her beieng pissed when when you reject her.

I in you feet would relax. I think your wife just feels really safe with you..

I'm screwed then.... when I back off she gets un-reasonable and thinks I don't love her anymore, etc...

Oh well, I'm fed up anyway..

If I have to choose, I choose not to do too much like I have been doing. I'm tired of trying to convince myself she loves me.
.. and she gets un-reasonable when she is afraid.

Actually you have 2 paths to choose:
a) be fed up and continue believing she doesnt love you, just because she has been feeling so safe in your presence and has complimented you.
b) Evaluate the situation, compare some other posts here at TAM and see whether you are really so unlucky. Maybe it could help if you try and figure out what you expect her to do in order for you to believe she loves you.

Yes women lose their drive for men who are too nice! BUT do not forget that in most cases it is because these men are beieng nice in order to get sth from their wives. If you have been nice by heart, then this rule only applies for when you ALWAYS hide other traits like your flaws or anger. But if you are nice, but are able to express other traits, you are more than fine.
 

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well i was a nice wife and my hubby had an EA .. so proves its true. the marriage counselor even asked my hubby what it was like to have a wife that fulfilled his every need.
he said he was happy with that

well of course he was ?!
 

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Nicely put SA.

I think a Nice Guy is awesome if paired with someone who recognizes the Nice Guy complex and strives to met the unsaid goals. Really, even thought nice guys are secretive, etc. about what they really want, in most cases they aren't hard to figure out if you're paying attention. I'm sure you'd agree with that SA.
Yes, I wasn't paying close enough attention in our past, too caught up playing "Mommy". He didn't want to rock the boat sexually, as I was always an Initiator anyway. Hearing the men complain at work was far worse.

Once you figure out what they really want most in life (sex, financial security, to watch a good hockey game, to have a nice lawn, whatever it is), if you work with them to feel fulfilled in that aspect, everything else will be golden because the nice qualities of the Nice Guy will be on full display.
You can minus the hockey game with mine... but yeah...if a wife is tuned in...& genuinely loves him/ wants to help him raise his voice... it's an ideal marriage. Yes, I would agree. :smthumbup: I told my husband if he ever starts this passive BS with me again, I'm gonna put his balls in a vise. Just kidding. I'd prefer an honest "Brawl" anyday... he knows this.


daffodilly said: I rarely turn him down for sex BECAUSE he does so much for me...helps that I'm not LD, however.
this is very true - I vouch for this as well. :D

frustr8dhubby said: I scored a 34 but I really don't care. Like me or don't. I may eventually read the book just for some perspective.
It can't hurt. It will open your eyes in many areas.... many men struggle in some of these areas, you are not alone... But there is hope with new behaviors, letting go of the camouflaged man... one chapter calls him the "Teflon" man.

Found this link for the book online >> NO MORE MR. NICE GUY!
 

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Nicely put SA.

I think a Nice Guy is awesome if paired with someone who recognizes the Nice Guy complex and strives to met the unsaid goals. Really, even thought nice guys are secretive, etc. about what they really want, in most cases they aren't hard to figure out if you're paying attention. I'm sure you'd agree with that SA.

Once you figure out what they really want most in life (sex, financial security, to watch a good hockey game, to have a nice lawn, whatever it is), if you work with them to fell fulfilled in that aspect, everything else will be golden because they nice qualities of the Nice Guy will be on full display.
:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Navigating the nice guy is a rewarding experience.

Unfortunately the majority of women wouldn't know how to be with a nice guy even if there was a guided seminar about it.
 

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It can't hurt. It will open your eyes in many areas.... many men struggle in some of these areas, you are not alone... But there is hope with new behaviors, letting go of the camouflaged man... one chapter calls him the "Teflon" man.
One of the things that kills me about the survey is the "I do the right thing" question. Why the f*k is it bad that I always try to do the right thing? I really don't get some of this sh*t. I understand you shouldn't be a doormat but really???
 

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Why the f*k is it bad that I always try to do the right thing?
This is one of my favorite qualities about SO.That heart of gold part of him that always wants to do the right thing and treat people how he'd like to be treated.Even though it frustrates him and he vents about it to me,I welcome that side because it's rare these days.
 
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