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I hardly know where to begin. Three years ago my husband & I moved away from the city with our two young children to a new adventure. I am working from home, supporting the family. He cooks and runs the kids to activities. He handles all the bills. We are together nearly constantly. We have sex on a daily basis. This all sounds ideal doesn't it?

I'm totally trapped. I can barely leave the house without him. He spends the day web surfing and watching tv at night while I rub his feet. We came here with big plans that have all but died. I feel like I spend my life catering to him and working while he plays. I don't nag him - I don't want to be that wife. But I'm resenting him more and more. He has a nasty temper and is very, very angry when I don't follow his instructions exactly. I can't buy a book or a music without his permission. I can barely leave the room without being questioned. If I ask him to clarify a conversation we've had he becomes angry. I'm often afraid to tell him how I feel because I don't think I'll get any support. Sometimes I think I'm getting so small I'll disappear.

We went through a really tough time about a year ago. He's always had a bad temper and it got really bad. I was afraid of him (not physcially - but he can be cruel). Finally, about 6 months ago I said if he didn't get better, I'd leave. He immediately changed. He was more sympathetic. He was kinder. Or so I thought. A week ago I got a speeding ticket. He was livid. Furious. He said he was only with me for the children. I spent a week sleeping in the guest room - barely speaking. Over a SPEEDING TICKET! Everything always seems to be my fault. Every fight we have I resent him more. He no longer has the ability to make me cry. I feel horribly alone most of the time.

I don't want a divorce. He loves my kids. He loves me. He won't go to counseling. I've tried to get him to go but he won't. Sometimes I think things are fine - all marriages have their bumps. No couple is perfect. But I don't think I love him anymore. I'm doing things I shouldn't be to fill the void.

So - any thoughts out there?
 

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Im can understand the situation you are in. My husband can be cruel too when angry. It seems everything and all things are my fault. They aren't, but because I dont want to argue or fight I apologize and put it on myself. The best thing you can do is to try to talk calmly about things when the both of you are up to talking. My husband does NOT like to discuss bad feelings so when things are bad between us he doesn't want to talk. That makes me talk even more, getting him even more frustrated and angry. So try to talk to him when things blow over. If you don't love him anymore, then you need to think about getting separated to see where you guys stand.
 

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If you don't mind me saying you sound REALLY confused.
SO many things in your post were contradictory.
I advise some professional help straight away.
You may be suffering from depression which leads to confusion. Or maybe you are just confused because you are under significant psychological stress. Living with someone with such anger has no benefits and has nothing to do with love (sorry just my opinion there)

If your H won't support you in that and give you the time and space to get INDIVIDUAL counselling your options are narrowed.


Hope this makes some sense.
 

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You should never fear your partner. He sounds like he is having some issues where you are teh bread winner and he feels he has no control.

What you must find out is how to get through to him. You deserve to be happy and need to find out what makes you happy.

He needs ot support you. It sounds like he runs the house hold and that should be a two person job.

Get help before you lose yourself.

Cheers
PS
You are not the Villian
 

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It would be best for him to take an anger management class or to see a mental health counselor, but you said he refused counseling, so the only other option, that I can see, since you said you do not want a divorce, is to file for a legal separation. That might wake him up if he believes you are serious. I would also refuse to continue walking on eggshells in my own home.
 

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If he won't go to counselling then you go on your own. You are in an emotionally abusive relationship and you need help, NOW. You need to get a new perspective on your life and what you want. The counsellor will help you cope with him and find your strength to get better treatment from him or walk out. If he tries to prevent you from attending the therapy, then you need to get to your local women's shelter with your children, pronto. That is illegal, it's unlawful confinement.
 

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wow...sounds freaking familiar. Control freaks suck.

One thing about control freaks like that guy (like my ex wife) is that they dont consider you a person. You are an object. You are their play thing. You belong to them, a toy, that no one else can play with.

Stop making excuses for him like you've done your entire marriage...and start respecting yourself. Time to leave.

He doesn't love you anymore than he loved his favorite GI joe when was little....Thats not love.
 
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