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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I don't know who to talk to and need to write my story. I've been in a relationship with a married man for about a year and had no idea until he told me a few days ago. I was devastated. Words cannot even describe how sick and disgusted I feel about the whole thing. It was without a doubt the most horrific conversation I've ever had in my life. It's been nearly a week and I still feel noxious every moment of the day. I’ve cried for days. We've talked several times since but I refuse to see to him. Until last Friday, I actually thought this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I could sense something was eating at him, but never in a million years did I think it would be that he has a wife and two kids he's been hiding from me. He says he's been totally honest about everything else, his story adds up but the web of lies is so thick, how can I ever possibly trust him again?
I met him at bar through an acquaintance in my acting class. A group of us often go out after class to a bar for dancing or karaoke or something. It was his friend’s birthday so he was there to celebrate. I was attracted to him the moment I saw him. I wasn’t looking for a ring, most of my friends are still single, but he definitely didn’t have one. I came to learn he is 40, but at the time I was actually thinking I was too old for him. I’m 28. He has boyish good looks. So “married” would not have crossed my mind in a million years. So we hit it off immediately with great conversation and chemistry. I didn't need the birthday shots of tequila and they only enhanced a fun festive night. We danced a bit but he never made a move – I figured he was shy. As we were parting ways, I volunteered my number innocently, like “let’s keep in touch” and we exchanged numbers, though I never heard from him. I was a little disappointed because I was certain we had a connection and he was going to call. But I have no problems getting dates so I quickly forgot about it.
Two months later I randomly bump into him in a supermarket. He’s alone and I’m pretty sure again no ring but again not looking. We chat and flirt again, teasing him about not calling. He told me he was living with someone and it didn’t feel right seeing other girls even though he was unhappy in the relationship. He said he was still in a relationship but we should be friends. We agreed to have lunch and did a few days later. Again it just felt “right” but respecting the friendship thing, we just hugged and I just filed it away as “a maybe something in the future”.
Then about a month later he texts me asking me if I’ll be at the same bar we met at after my acting class that week. The only way he would know that was through his friend in my class, Drew. I had no idea how sinister that little tidbit was going to be. I just thought he was interested and I liked him so I said “maybe” but was going for sure. So when I see him he tells me that he broke up with his GF for good and just moved out. Let’s just say it didn’t long for us to hookup and I was at his place that night. The place looked barely lived in but it made sense if he supposedly just moved out a couple weeks ago. We spent nearly every moment of the next two weeks together.
So for over a year he carried on a charade I was totally clueless about. I mean there were little hints everywhere and now in hindsight it is obvious. But I had absolutely no reason to suspect anything. I spent so many nights at his apartment sometimes I practically lived there. He travels a lot for work as do I. So it’s been completely normal to not see each other for like two weeks and then spend a great deal of time together. I’ve met people from his work and several of his friends and not a single person said a goddam word. I’m so pissed at Drew, his friend from the acting class because not only did he know this whole time, he facilitated it. We’re really just acquaintances through the class and WERE (past tense) casual friends at best.
So he tells me last week that when he met me that night, he knew I was the “one”, but he wouldn’t consider cheating even though he was miserable in his marriage. So he didn’t call me. He said he thought about me for several days but went on with his life. When we bumped into each other at the supermarket he took it as a sign. Then he said after our lunch he was 100% percent convinced he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. So he proceeds to rent out an apartment and furnish it and recruits Drew to setup another meeting with me so that he can seduce me. He also timed it so that he’d be available because his wife and kids went to her parents place in Europe for two weeks every year. I want to vomit as I’m typing this. He didn’t see many of his friends because most of them were married now. He has a few very recent friends we did stuff with but I don’t know if they know he’s married. His parents live on the East Coast as does his brother. We’ve talked about going out this past holiday to meet them but never made any plans. He said he was not close to them, but in fact now reveals that he is. We’ve been friends from facebook since almost day one. Pictures with me are plastered all over his facebook page. He tells me now you can create groups of friends in facebook so you can basically live a double life online through one account. I don’t even know how to tell my friends or family about this, I’m so horrified. He says he confessed to me because he’s leaving his wife and want to marry me. He says there has been nobody else, there will be nobody else and I'm the only one for him. How can I believe him? I’m weeping so much I can’t even write anymore. I don't even know if I'm going to be able to reply but I thought just writing this would help. I haven't told anyone yet except my best friend. I have to log off…
 

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something I found ion another site. I was thinking you posted this initially . read it

Should I(25F) call my ex boyfriend's(40M) wife(57F)? (self.relationships)
submitted 3 hours ago by sausagebox
A couple of years ago I started seeing an older man. He was a coworker. The story I got was that he was going through a divorce. He didn't wear a wedding ring around me or at work. We saw each other for about three months. He would come over and we would have sex. He even spent the night at my place a couple of times. I was becoming very attached. I fell in love.
He spent the night at my place on VALENTINE'S DAY. What married man would be allowed to do that?
I started to find it strange I'd never been to his house. He brought me over there one day. Some things were strange to me, like a pink cigarette lighter I found and a cute ceramic statue collection I thought was odd for a man to have. He explained them as leftovers from his ex and distracted me with sex.
One day I called his phone and a woman answered. She started texting me, revealing that she was his wife. She began stalking me, trying to figure out who I was. She would call my phone and text constantly, have other people call me trying to figure out my name. I would get maybe thirty harassing calls a day and I was a nervous wreck. She started showing up to our work and would just sit on a bench, watching him all day. I wasn't safe anywhere I went.
He told me he was going to divorce her but couldn't right now because of finacial reasons, explaining to me he lied because he didn't want to lose me. I truly felt bad for him when he told me details of their marriage. He was unhappy because she was so much older than him. He said he was not attracted to her, he hated her three grown kids that weren't his, she treated him like he was her son not her husband. He said he biggest mistake of his life was marrying a MILF in the heat of the moment and he wanted out. So I decided to stay with him since he seemed adamant about divorce.
Long story short the next few months are full of promises he doesn't follow through on. Twice I tried to help him leave her, packed up all of his stuff and helped him bring it to my place. Both times he went back to her after she threatened to sue him and me for alienation of affections (you can do that in my state).
We ended things. I changed jobs and moved because it hurt too much to be around him. He would never give me closure, never say it was over between us, always telling me just to wait a little longer even when I wanted to break up. He still called me many times after I left and asked me to come back. I didn't.
I felt bad for his wife and hated her at the same time. What the hell was a woman her age doing with a man his age? What was she thinking? Why wouldn't she just let him go, he obviously didn't love her.
She revealed through texts to me that I was not the first person he'd cheated on her with, it has happened many times before. I think she was just trying to make me feel bad for her so I would reveal more about what happened.
Anyway, it's been months since I removed myself from the situation. I am filled with hate and resentment for him and what he did to me, I am filled with guilt and hate for myself for allowing it to happen. Something will randomly remind me of him and I will be in a bad mood for the rest of the day. He lied to me. He used me. He lied to her. He's still using her.
I can't stop thinking about calling his wife and being honest with her. How good it would feel, how much of a weight would be lifted to just get it off my chest. Maybe if she hears exactly what her lovely husband did she'll ditch him and do better for herself. Or not, but at least it won't be on my mind anymore. If I can't get closure from him maybe I can get it from her.
Part of me wants her to leave him and take him to court and sue the hell out him because I think he deserves to be miserable. Part of me wants to tell her these things just to hurt her, I want her to be miserable too as payback for stalking me and harassing me over the phone.
Should I do it? Should I call her and tell her the truth about her lowlife husband?
TL;DR Dated an older man, found out he was married, wife starts stalking and I had to leave town before she found out what happened. Feel angry about what happened. Haven't had closure. Should I call the wife and tell her the truth about her husband?
 

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Again, if you think about marrying this guy, regardless of whether or not you knew he was married, relationships that start as affairs only have a 3% chance of working out. As well, would you trust him? If I got together with a guy who was cheating on his wife..at some point I would think hmmmm I wonder if he will do the same thing to me. Good luck with that!!! You picked a winner!
 

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So he bought another apartment just for you? There were never times where he wouldn't answer your phone call, ignore you for days?

Just.. How can you NOT know! After a YEAR? Wow.

Are you planning on telling his wife?
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Re: Re: I'm the OW

I don't know who to talk to and need to write my story. I've been in a relationship with a married man for about a year and had no idea until he told me a few days ago. I was devastated. Words cannot even describe how sick and disgusted I feel about the whole thing. It was without a doubt the most horrific conversation I've ever had in my life. It's been nearly a week and I still feel noxious every moment of the day. I’ve cried for days. We've talked several times since but I refuse to see to him. Until last Friday, I actually thought this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I could sense something was eating at him, but never in a million years did I think it would be that he has a wife and two kids he's been hiding from me. He says he's been totally honest about everything else, his story adds up but the web of lies is so thick, how can I ever possibly trust him again?
I met him at bar through an acquaintance in my acting class. A group of us often go out after class to a bar for dancing or karaoke or something. It was his friend’s birthday so he was there to celebrate. I was attracted to him the moment I saw him. I wasn’t looking for a ring, most of my friends are still single, but he definitely didn’t have one. I came to learn he is 40, but at the time I was actually thinking I was too old for him. I’m 28. He has boyish good looks. So “married” would not have crossed my mind in a million years. So we hit it off immediately with great conversation and chemistry. I didn't need the birthday shots of tequila and they only enhanced a fun festive night. We danced a bit but he never made a move – I figured he was shy. As we were parting ways, I volunteered my number innocently, like “let’s keep in touch” and we exchanged numbers, though I never heard from him. I was a little disappointed because I was certain we had a connection and he was going to call. But I have no problems getting dates so I quickly forgot about it.
Two months later I randomly bump into him in a supermarket. He’s alone and I’m pretty sure again no ring but again not looking. We chat and flirt again, teasing him about not calling. He told me he was living with someone and it didn’t feel right seeing other girls even though he was unhappy in the relationship. He said he was still in a relationship but we should be friends. We agreed to have lunch and did a few days later. Again it just felt “right” but respecting the friendship thing, we just hugged and I just filed it away as “a maybe something in the future”.
Then about a month later he texts me asking me if I’ll be at the same bar we met at after my acting class that week. The only way he would know that was through his friend in my class, Drew. I had no idea how sinister that little tidbit was going to be. I just thought he was interested and I liked him so I said “maybe” but was going for sure. So when I see him he tells me that he broke up with his GF for good and just moved out. Let’s just say it didn’t long for us to hookup and I was at his place that night. The place looked barely lived in but it made sense if he supposedly just moved out a couple weeks ago. We spent nearly every moment of the next two weeks together.
So for over a year he carried on a charade I was totally clueless about. I mean there were little hints everywhere and now in hindsight it is obvious. But I had absolutely no reason to suspect anything. I spent so many nights at his apartment sometimes I practically lived there. He travels a lot for work as do I. So it’s been completely normal to not see each other for like two weeks and then spend a great deal of time together. I’ve met people from his work and several of his friends and not a single person said a goddam word. I’m so pissed at Drew, his friend from the acting class because not only did he know this whole time, he facilitated it. We’re really just acquaintances through the class and WERE (past tense) casual friends at best.
So he tells me last week that when he met me that night, he knew I was the “one”, but he wouldn’t consider cheating even though he was miserable in his marriage. So he didn’t call me. He said he thought about me for several days but went on with his life. When we bumped into each other at the supermarket he took it as a sign. Then he said after our lunch he was 100% percent convinced he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. So he proceeds to rent out an apartment and furnish it and recruits Drew to setup another meeting with me so that he can seduce me. He also timed it so that he’d be available because his wife and kids went to her parents place in Europe for two weeks every year. I want to vomit as I’m typing this. He didn’t see many of his friends because most of them were married now. He has a few very recent friends we did stuff with but I don’t know if they know he’s married. His parents live on the East Coast as does his brother. We’ve talked about going out this past holiday to meet them but never made any plans. He said he was not close to them, but in fact now reveals that he is. We’ve been friends from facebook since almost day one. Pictures with me are plastered all over his facebook page. He tells me now you can create groups of friends in facebook so you can basically live a double life online through one account. I don’t even know how to tell my friends or family about this, I’m so horrified. He says he confessed to me because he’s leaving his wife and want to marry me. He says there has been nobody else, there will be nobody else and I'm the only one for him. How can I believe him? I’m weeping so much I can’t even write anymore. I don't even know if I'm going to be able to reply but I thought just writing this would help. I haven't told anyone yet except my best friend. I have to log off…
hi!
 

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So...he lied to you for a year and expects you to marry him?!

Bwahahahaaaa!! What a maroon.

You are reeling from this and he's like, "I want to marry you...". Do not talk to him. Do not talk to this Drew "friend". Get off his Facebook list and do your best to move on.

I know a bit how you feel. About 15 years ago, I met a woman at this place where I was a dancer. She got a private dance and well, that's a normal thing that happened. Somehow she found out where I worked and sent me flowers and saw me again the following week at the club. She asked me out to dinner. Blah, blah, blah...a few nights in some hotels here and there - she always paid by the way...and one morning we're out for breakfast. It was raining cats and dogs and after breakfast and in her car she tells me that she's married. She said that her husband gave her a free pass for 30 days to "work it out of her system".

I was crushed. I got out of the car and walked 2 miles back to the hotel and got in my car and left. I never spoke to her again.
 

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I know it seems so self centered that the OW is worrying about trusting her man (someone else's husband).

How dare he cheat on you with his wife..what a bastard to do that to you (insert sarcasm here)

You also realize that you are only hearing one side of the story about their marriage as well...
 

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OH. Another thing.

He DOESN'T wanna marry you, he's just saying it so you have a reason to stay with him. I doubt he'll leave his wife otherwise he'd have done it already?
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That is one thing that the WS does quite well...they only reveal one side of the marriage. In my case, as if my H told his OW about the stuff that I had to put up with over 20+ years of being married to him...doubt he did!
 

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I came to learn he is 40, but at the time I was actually thinking I was too old for him. I’m 28. He has boyish good looks. So “married” would not have crossed my mind in a million years. So we hit it off immediately with great conversation and chemistry. …
oh dear, if youth is so valuable, why do these young women waste their time not only with married men, but men who will always be a father to another family.

You can't find anyone decent if not closer to your age, then at least someone who can focus on you for therest of your life /or marriage in any case?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
So he bought another apartment just for you? There were never times where he wouldn't answer your phone call, ignore you for days?

Just.. How can you NOT know! After a YEAR? Wow.

Are you planning on telling his wife?
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I took a walk to clear my head.

He makes alot of money so he can afford it. I act and bartend, and also have a sales job that I travel for alot. My hours are totally irregular so some days I sleep til 1PM and am up pretty late most of the time. Sometimes he seemed overtired but I just chalked that off to being 40. He basically kept up with our lifestyle and obviously spent time with family when I was travelling or keeping odd hours. His apartment and office is near mine but his family lives about 15 miles away. In LA that's like the other side of the world...

There we many times he didn't answer a call but he said he was with clients. He had two cells phones. One for work and one for personal. He'd get calls all hours of the night so it seemed perfectly reasonable to keep two phones. Little did I know I was on his "work" phone all this time and not on his "personal" phone. He is an attorney and has NDAs with his clients. Sometimes he'd take calls in front of me and assure the client the call was confidential. Other times he'd step out of the room. Now I know why.

I mean there was evidence all over the place but he was so damn calculating. On our first trip we went to Playa del Carmen last April I saw he was married on his passport. But like a week before he casually mentioned this Belgian friend, who I now realize is his wife, that he married so that she could get a green card. I asked if they were romantically involved and he said never and that he barely even saw her anymore after the INS interview, but they had to stay married a few more years. So there were a few other instances her name would appear and we just joked about it.

Just like two weeks ago we watched a movie on Netflix called Another Earth about a romance between a woman who killed the man's family in a car accident but he doesn't realize until she confesses. Afterwards we talked about if you could love someone after discovering some horrible lie. I said I could if I really loved the person but f**k him. Was that a setup too???

I have spent the last 4 days retracing and rethinking every single thing I did with this man for a YEAR!!!

I'm not stupid but I feel like the dummest woman on earth. I mean I'm way too street smart to have this **** pulled on me for a whole year.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I know it seems so self centered that the OW is worrying about trusting her man (someone else's husband).

How dare he cheat on you with his wife..what a bastard to do that to you (insert sarcasm here)

You also realize that you are only hearing one side of the story about their marriage as well...
He says he already left her and is at the apartment all the time right now. I took all my **** Friday night. I don't want to be a homewrecker. I've never met her but I know where they live now. I've seen the entire REAL facebook page.
 

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I would contact her and tell her everything.
My husbands OW called me and told me. Dont tell her lie's, it only makes it worse. Just write to her and stick to the facts, She wont care how much you are hurt or sick etc. Facts without any lie's will help her to make a choice and believe you more then she believes him.

I strongly suggest you dont stay with him. Imagine your life in a few years, with a child and financially bonded to him, then he cheats on you, because he will cheat on you....
 

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He says he already left her and is at the apartment all the time right now. I took all my **** Friday night. I don't want to be a homewrecker. I've never met her but I know where they live now. I've seen the entire REAL facebook page.
Um, no. He hasn't left her. You want to find out for sure? Call her. Tell her who you are and that her husband has been having an affair with you for the past year (I'll bet that's going to answer a LOT of questions for her!) Say "I just wanted to call and find out if it's true that he has left you and plans to divorce." (Be ready for complete confirmation on what you've been hearing on this site.) When she expresses shock and dismay, beg her forgiveness for your willing ignorance and offer to give her all evidence you have of the affair. You will be doing this woman the biggest favor you will probably ever do for another human being. She deserves to know what she's married to; a hound-dog who will take money away from their children to set up a love nest for another woman who is naive enough to engage in an affair with a married man.

And even if he DID leave her? (Unlikely!) It would be a temporary measure to convince you that he is serious. You don't EVEN want to go there - the volleyball game that would ensue is nothing anyone should willingly sign up for. He'd be with you Mon-Fri, spend weekends with the wife and kids, or vice-versa, etc. He would whine to you that she is a beeyotch who is making him watch the kids at the house all weekend. Or, he has to be there because dear son needs a root canal and wants him there for support, blah blah blah, ad nauseum. The truth of the matter would be that he is home with his family (where he SHOULD be) sharing fun and laughter with his wife and kids, visiting relatives, making love with his wife and snuggling up with her to sleep at night. Would you be even a passing thought in his head? Possibly. He might think of you in passing after a night of lovemaking with his wife, just before drifting off to sleep. And he will count his blessings that he has such a trusting and wonderful wife and family, AND a little bit of strange on the side to add a little forbidden excitement to his life. Is that what you want to be?

Talk to his wife. And then CUT AND RUN. And consider yourself fortunate that you didn't get in any deeper with this piece of human waste.
 

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He has completely betrayed you and is a rampant cheater. Don't continue to be involved. He's dispicable and you know it

Contact his wife immediately by phone when he's not around.

Don't allow yourself to go down this road. Google "mistress" and read up. You'd be in for a life of disappointment.

Do the right thing here
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So he bought another apartment just for you? There were never times where he wouldn't answer your phone call, ignore you for days?

Just.. How can you NOT know! After a YEAR? Wow.

Are you planning on telling his wife?
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I used to think the same thing but apparently he has a lot of money to burn. I work in IT and we have some very well off clients. Once I had a jet setter client who JUST got back from his honeymoon and an IM popped up on the screen from a hooker/mistress talking dirty to him. It was a long thread back and forth. I shook my head and just went about my job.

I had another client who routinely had us go out to his "boom boom room" to setup WiFi etc. Then like 6 months later we setup "boom boom room #2". I casually asked him "What happened to "boom boom room #1?" He smiled and said "it was compromised". I felt so sorry for his wife...

I could share a dozen more stories. You get the gist.

OP, my point is, the guy from my first stories might as well be the guy from the second story who might as well be your "dream" guy. First he has a boom boom room (where you stayed with him), then later he sets up boom boom room #2 for his stripper friend to come over after he gets back from his honeymoon (with you).
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Um, no. He hasn't left her. You want to find out for sure? Call her. Tell her who you are and that her husband has been having an affair with you for the past year (I'll bet that's going to answer a LOT of questions for her!) Say "I just wanted to call and find out if it's true that he has left you and plans to divorce." (Be ready for complete confirmation on what you've been hearing on this site.) When she expresses shock and dismay, beg her forgiveness for your willing ignorance and offer to give her all evidence you have of the affair. You will be doing this woman the biggest favor you will probably ever do for another human being. She deserves to know what she's married to; a hound-dog who will take money away from their children to set up a love nest for another woman who is naive enough to engage in an affair with a married man.
He told me I can talk to her if I want. But I still think that is the right thing to do. Do I do this FTF or by email? I don't know if I could handle FTF. I'm a wreck right now. I haven't really slept since Friday or gone to work all week. But I don't really give a **** about the bartending job. My sales job is contract work but it's my main source of income. I can't afford to blow that. I need to leave for Chicago tomorrow and be at the auto show for 10 days. I don't have any idea how I'm going to conduct myself or cope while I'm there.

He's texting me constantly.
 

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Yes, contact her. Be honest with her.
This man is a con artist. He didn't leave his BW out of love for you.
How can you - anybody - trust someone capable of dealing this calculated double life for so long?
I'm very sorry you were duped. This man is no good news. At all. This is very clear, he will do with you the same. It's very likely he has been doing it for years and years, he's skilled lier.

It will take time for your heart follow your head but you must go NC with this man. Dark on him. Blsok him inthe cell, facebook, whatever. Get rid of mementoes, gifts...

I'm so sorry. Lean on real friends.
 
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