[Beathan914]

Hello everyone, I am so happy I found this forum. I have been in the worst position and the lowest point in my life. Extremely long story so I will shorten it the most I can.
I met my fiance at work and it literally seemed love at first sight, we started hanging out together at work and she was just out of a relationship and i was leaving a bad one. We spent every moment together and were happy as can be for five years. A while into the relationship she told me she had something happen in her childhood and she has had relationship problems every since. I assured her we could work through it. She also told me she had no desire to have children, not that she didnt like them just better they could go home. After five years she told me we could have one shot at a baby and had her I.U.D taken out. during recovery we used condoms then on my birthday we tried. Used condoms every time after that until the test came back, she was pregnant. We had the baby and life was good until we got a bit behind on bills so we sold her house and moved to another state to see my family. We were there 13 months and sex was pretty much non existent at this time. When we moved back home we started drifting apart and things got bad. I had a huge house and moved a friend in so he had a place to stay on the weekends. This started causing more problems but I felt justified because of the lack of emotions she had been giving me. After some time she decided to move out and we could work on us separately. We started going to church and staying at her house frequently but after six months I started drinking incredible amounts and withdrew from her even more. Contact has pretty much been only about our son at this point and three months ago I really started to miss her and realize what we were doing but didnt know how to talk to her. September 1st we had a huge fight and I was so low I tried to shoot myself. I ended up in a Mental hospital for a week and came out on medicine but was poor medicine. I was paying bills one day and noticd a hone number that repeatedly showed in her call log so i checked into it and was an old male friend she knew before me. The day I went to the hospital she started regular calls to him and later I found he had stayed several nights. I scheduled to see her and my son on a sunday and she seemed so distant that I told her I had to go. After I left I checked her call log and seen she called him before i was to my truck so i waited and twenty min later he showed up. I literally lost my cool but nothing happened other than yelling. I went back to the hospital and changed medicine and quit drinking and feel better but miss her so bad. I have asked and pleaded many times and she insists she is done but doesnt know what will happen in the future. She insists there is nothing going on with him and he just needed a place to stay till his place is ready on the first and I nee to stop worrying about her and focus on getting my head straight. I cant stop thinking about her and when I see her or hear her it really hurts. The memories have flooded in and cant believe what has happened.
I am sorry I am sure I have left some of the story out but I do not know what to do at this point. I started today on the 180 after finding out what that was but would like reassurance and advise on what to do from here. I have even had the thought of kicking in her door early in the morning to verify if he is on the couch as she says or in bed with him like i assume. Guess its none of my business really. Sorry for the long read but thanks in advance

 

[lostinspaces]

That is a tough situation but I think you are making a good start. Focus on making you better. Not for her, but for you.

You will slip up, stumble and fall. Accept those failures when they happen, forgive yourself and move forward.

Best of luck. My thoughts are with you.

 

[Beathan914]

I found this site last night and spent three hours reading. I am amazed at the amount of support everyone here gives each other. It has been a hard time and she has promised to take things slow several times and been done several. I dont know how it all has happened to end this way and I did start seeing doctors and stop drinking for her and I. I will continue to do it for myself and my children and try not to worry about her and the if's. Thanks for the support and will continue to check in and help if i can

 

[Beathan914]

Nothing. I am at a loss. I have tried the 180, cold and short, I have tried not contacting her and there is always something that comes up. she will text about our son or daycare, or she will call to tell him goodnight when I have him over. Always something and she pops back into my head. How do I stop thinking about her? Well today was Halloween and she asked if I was taking our son trick or treating so i said yes. She asked when and I said it depends, You were invited a couple weeks ago if you want to go for our son not us I will not say a word and we will wiat for you to get here. If not we will go at dark, its not expected either way. She then said she will let me know. I knew then she wasnt going but an hour and a half later she text and said she was not going but take pictures. Her "friend" that has been staying with her almost all month is moving into his own place tomorrow and supposedly going through the same situation so I figured thats why she wasnt going. No problem so I thought. We went trick or treating and she text later and asked if we were done so i text yes. She asked to cal and I told her I was working on my phone and called from the house phone and gave it to my son. She talked for a while and he handed me the phone so I said he is done and she asked how he did and something else as I was about to hang up the phone. I cought it and asked what and she skipped it and said bye. Afterward I started thinking how this is the first holiday we have spent apart in nine and a half years. Just really made me sad and miss her. I wanted to text her and talk to her but I called a friend first and they told me not to be stupid, give her time. Damn how do I do that? I guess I will start tomorrow fresh and see what happens. At least I get to talk to Tony Stewart tomorrow as he will be in a friends office for meet and greet and autographs so hopefully that will take my mind off her.

 

[lostinspaces]

What has been working for me (mostly) is to try to follow the 180 is cases where it makes sense and to not worry about the bits that dont. I am still living with my STBXW so some parts of the 180 just wont work.

I just try to make decisions that will help me heal. No spying, staying away from her as much as possible while shes home, limited chatting, etc.

I flubbed last night and chatted a bit about what happened (which culminated in a hug). Was dumb and now I wish I had just stayed in my room.

Forgive your mistakes and keep pressing forward.

 

[Beathan914]

God im such a sucker. I have no will power at all. I text her this morning and told her last night was harder than I thought it was the first holiday we have not spent together and no reply.
My son wanted to call her so when he was done I talked to her and said im sorry it will get easier its just hard cause I dont want to give up on her. She said I know and I told her it will get easier. I asked her if she would be willing to go to counseling with me and she asked what that would accomplish so I told her nothing if she isnt open to it. She told me not right now so I said we will never get back together will we? She said she doesnt know what the future holds and I told her that was a cop out. She didnt want to talk, she wanted to go back to work so i told her she never wants to talk. She claims I always get upset cause I dont hear what I want and I told her she never wants to talk. I guess im done and trying is pointless. Everyone tells me to give her time, That is the hardest thing in my life, I miss her so much.I told her I should start dating and move on with life and she told me I cant sit around waiting forever. Im heartbroken and venting, I spend every night reading posts on here looking for some hope and everyone is in the same position. I guess the best thing is to move on and leave her alone because that seems to be the consensus here. Will see what slip ups I make in the next few days.

 

[lostinspaces]

Do your best to stay strong and to remember that pursuing her makes you look weak and is more likely to drive her away.

She'll either come to the realization that she is making a mistake ... or she wont. The only thing you can do is concentrate on making your life better. Doing so will make you a better person either for her, or the person who will be to you what she should have been.

"I'm starting with the man in the mirror. I'm asking him to change his ways" - Michael Jackson

 

[Beathan914]

So I had lunch with my ex wife and went to Q&A with Tony Stewart. Boy that was fun and took my mind off things. I did get to vent to my ex (we have always remained close friends) and she shed some light on the situation. I think my ex has been done for a while and just didnt have the heart to tell me. I have also been going to psychiatrist and counseling and AA and outpatient program for alcohol dependency. This is pretty much what my ex told me to do cause I have problems and need to address them. I actually thought if I did it we would have a shot. She told me several times we will work on our relationship slowly, Worry about myself first then we will go forward with us. Her point is I cant focus on me if im worried about us. I have been so scared of loosing her I keep pushing and now she says she is done. I just have to realize i need to do all of this for me and not worry what is in store for her and I. I am still struggling with how to do this so if anyone really has any advise I sure am listening. I have not wanted to move on but I think it is time I realize there really is nothing left.

 

[Beathan914]

I cant stop thinking about her!!!!!!! She has made it clear and I have told her how much hate I have towards her but when I am away from her for a while I am ok but when I have to see her it breaks me up. She picked our son up sunday after his birthday party and we talked briefly. I told her how much anger and hatred I feel towards her right now and she said I was not the only one allowed to be mad but she is not mad anymore.
She agreed the problem was lack of communication and I told her it was mostly on her part, she never wanted to talk about issues.
It started getting heated so I let her go. Yesterday our son had a birthday party at the babysitters and his mom, her mom and I went. It was hard being there with her, it brought up so many memories and her mother kept saying they used to do this with him and that with him. It got hard, I almost had to leave a couple times. Since then I cant get her out of my mind and I know I have to because I didnt make the choice. God help us all, I know know hard this is for me so I can only imagine how it is for some of the other people on here. Good luck everyone

 

[lostinspaces]

We are in very similar situations, but I was not lucky enough to have children (although they definitely make this process harder). I was out of town for the last four days and being away from the STBXW, with some friends and busy helped me a lot. At one point on Sat I realized I hadn't thought about my stbx in hours.

Maybe you could try to set things up where you have plans immediately after every time you see her? Something fun preferably.

 

[Beathan914]

I painted our babysitters bathroom today, helped keep my mind occupied. Went to IC this afternoon and she is so amazing, she always makes me feel better about myself. Old game plan was to not work until i had a few sessions and go through their alcohol dependency class for three months. I talked to her today and I need my mind to be active and the class is worthless for me. I will be looking for a new job tomorrow and do A.A. classes min. twice a week. I feel good as Sunday was five weeks without a drink. I feel better but still miss her so much.
I actually talked to her civil on the phone tonight for about half an hour. I started to get into something and she said lets not do this we were having a great conversation. When we were done I said eventually I hope we can be amicable parents and she said she doesn't have a problem with that but I told her I do cause I feel better every day but I miss her and still have a problem but I am getting better at it. She said we will talk again. She always seems to give me some kind of hope then next conversation she stomps on me and contradicts herself. I am going to take it day for day and try to keep myself feeling good and steer clear of her and be mindful of the conversation we do have as it could be anything.
Goodnight

 

[lostinspaces]

Congrats on your 5 weeks !!!!

Remember that she is in turmoil too. That is why you get mixed messages . Don't read into them and keep improving yourself. One way or the other you will come out of this a better person and you are currently taking all the right step to do so. You're an inspiration . Keep it up.

 

[Beathan914]

Thanks, I'm sure she has some form of turmoil but she is preoccupied with another man. She has been talking to him for about two months and I believe they have been getting more serious for about a month and a half or so. A really old friend she hasnt talked to since we started dating. She hasnt talked to him really since we started either, something happened between them and she stopped. In september when I went into the hospital she had numerous calls every day that month. I really am trying to let her go, I am angry but the memories will not go away right now. Working dad to day.

 

[Beathan914]

Seems a little funny to me and I told her that today. I believe I mentioned posting somewhere on here that I know the OM. I used to work with him when her and I started dating and she used to hang out with him and talk prior to us dating. She swore then it was just friends he was married but right after we started dating she told me one morning that he tried to take liberties that were not his. She would not let me talk to him about it and said it was handled. That was the last I thought she talked to him. When dropping my son off tonight I told her i thought of something rather funny to me and it seems rather ironic. The first man she ran to when we broke up is the last man she was hanging out with when we started dating. I didnt expect to but she really didnt have much of a reaction except I asked if she saw my humor in it and she said yea I guess. I also told her I have no more hope or expectation of us reconciling and all I need to do now is move on. I will always have some feelings for her and I still miss her but its fading fast. I expect to have a good weekend and see my IC on monday. Looking forward to a great week.

 

[Conrad]

Just say a silent prayer and thank God Almighty you never were clueless enough to marry her.

 

[Beathan914]

Conrad I have read several threads on here and you give incredible advice, thanks for sharing with me. I am doing lousy. I cant stop thinking about her, I want to talk to her so bad and im an emotional wreck. I dont think I have cried as much in the past four weeks as I have my entire life. The Depakote works awesome but the Effexor has done nothing for me and even increasing the dose to 225mg I have not felt any different. I am happy to say I get to see my IC tomorrow. I keep having different thoughts of how to kill myself and decide I dont want to do that to my kids or family and she isnt worth it but sitting in traffic on a bridge I actually thought it would be so easy to jump out of the truck and just jump over. I Have come up with numerous ways to kill myself and at least I know this is only temporary and my kids always come to mind. I want to enjoy life, I want to be happy. I dont even know why I am so upset I should be mad at her and not want to have her back but I cant think about being without her and the memories are so overpowering right now. Going to bed and hopefully my IC can convince my psychiatrist to change my meds otherwise I have to wait at least till the 5th.

 

[Conrad]

No one person is worth ending your life.

It may have seemed like a great idea to "make her happy", but what if that's not possible for another human being to do?

She has to claim her happiness the same way you do.

 

[Beathan914]

I do agree. With her choices and actions it would only be a matter of time if we did get back together that it would fall apart again.I know this and too many things would affect us so I know reconciliation is not an option. I just dont know how to get her out of my mind. I wake up thinking about her and what she is doing, I go to bed thinking about her. I am so emotional and need to get a grip but dont know how to let it go. Day by day and I havent talked to her in two days now so hopefully it will get easier and fade. Thanks so much and I will check in later.

 

[oncehisangel]

beat....
Hi there *waves

It's bad right now, ok... like really bad.. I doubt you'll ever feel this bad again.

So for every bad day-kick it to the kerb and know it's one you won't be having again. GOd, it sounds like a labour pain doesn't it?

.... look around at these threads and you'll see that you WILL get stronger ok.? There are soooo many people who have hurt and now the world is beautiful again. It just might be beautiful in a new way.

Its not going to be easy.

Some days you'll feel like you've slipped back into the first week. But then you'll notice this. There will be a day when you laugh at something and realise you haven't cried all day. Or you'll watch a movie and won't think of her. Or you'll do something that you've always wanted to do. You'll make new friends...because you are going to get up soon and do something for you. LIke join the gym or I dont know....what haven't you tried that you've always wanted to do? A hobby? A course? Or just go somewhere..like the beach.

The first month or so is the hardest but soon the sad days won't be there as much.

And wow ! Congrats. Look you're sober! That's huge. you should be proud.

Think of it like this... the stronger you get...the more your child is going to benefit.

You are always going to be a dad....that's a gift. Don't lose focus on your son. And boys need dads to teach them stuff like fishing and what to do when a girl throws mud in your face and how to change oil in cars. He needs you. And you need him.


We are all here when you want to talk. And listen to mr Conrad..he knows this stuff.

Time for you to focus on you. It's a win, win situation concentrating on you.

Step by step.

 

[Beathan914]

Well I have done really well since Friday. No texts no calls. Sunday I called to tell her I had to cancel Church with my son due to car problems but that was the extent of the conversation. I still cant get her out of my head though. All was good until today when I was doing some work on the babysitters house and she forgot it was my day to bring him to her so she showed up and I actually started talking to her and asking questions. She said she had nothing to say and walked away. I let her get our son and leave and I started texting her some pretty nasty things. When I got home I realized what I had done and text to apologize and explain the effexor is not working and I am having extreme highs and lows. I have no hope or desire now to be with her but I still cant figure out how to let her go. Will be talking to the counselor again on monday and psychiatrist to see about different meds. I wish everyone a very happy Thanksgiving. I will be home alone for the first time in 8 years.