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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I just don't know what else to do, where else to turn or who I can talk to about this! My husband has turned into someone I don't even like any more! He is not the same person I met and fell in love with. Most of you are thinking...well, just leave...but I can't. Financially, I can't afford to live on my own. I became disabled in 2008 and have been unable to work since then. So I feel like I have no choices any more. My disability pension is so small...no way I could live on it. I received a lump sum settlement from my insurance company, of which he has made sure every penny was spent and gone...so what was supposed to support me in the years to come, is now gone, within a few months. A good sum of it was put into our house, but most went to business ventures for him in which he has essentially lost it all.

I lived hand to mouth all my adult life. Gone through bankruptcy. Relied on food banks. Lived in shelters. For the first time in my life, I have a nice home. A lot of money was spent putting in a hot tub and heated pool in the backyard....great therapy for my disabilities. It would be devastating to lose that now.

Why do I dislike him so much? Mostly, it has to do with my kids. My youngest is 14 and until recently, was a very sweet kid. But my husband, his step-father, treats him like crap, and he is finally rebelling from years of it. He expects my son to drop whatever he's doing and jump at his command and is unreasonable when he says "just a second" or "I will in a minute". It's ridiculous!

Now, my oldest boy, who is 26, has moved home. He has suffered a bad breakup with the girl he was with for 6 years. He was just about to propose when he caught her cheating on him. He is depressed and came home to his mom for support. But my husband treats him like a child and is treating him like crap too.

He knows how much it hurts me when he treats my boys like this, but it's like he doesn't seem to care. We all are walking around on eggshells the moment he walks in the door. One kid disappears in the office, the other in the bedroom.

I know I'm not giving a real clear picture here of how awful it is in this house. But, I am desperate. I can't handle much more of this. I feel so stressed out all the time. I feel like I'm going to have either a nervous breakdown, or a stroke! I know this is affecting my health even more...and I tell him that. I just don't think he cares any more.

I have set a doctor's app't, but it's not for another month...and we are supposed to start counselling, but still haven't gotten a phone call to set up the appointment for that. Does anyone have any suggestions or advice on how to cope with this in the meantime? I honestly don't know how much more I can take!
 

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Stuck, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm sorry to hear that you feel trapped in a toxic marriage.
I know I'm not giving a real clear picture here of how awful it is in this house.
No, it is not yet clear. For a first post, however, you have provided a lot of detail. That is very helpful. You will get better responses, however, if you give us even more information.

Specifically, how long have you been married and how far into the marriage did you get before your H's controlling and verbally abusive behaviors start? Was it right after the wedding or, rather, did you get a few really good years? What was so great about the guy, at the beginning, that made you want to marry him? Why have you two not tried MC yet?
My youngest is 14 and until recently, was a very sweet kid. But my husband, his step-father, treats him like crap.
What does that mean? Specifically, what are some of the worst things your H has said or done to your young son? Your only example -- expecting the son to respond quickly to a request -- doesn't sound very awful.
My husband treats [my older son] like a child and is treating him like crap too.
What does that mean? Please give specific examples so we have some idea of how abusive your H is (or isn't). Was your H abused by one of his parents when he was a child? Was he married before and, if so, was he abusive in that marriage too? If he wasn't married before, why did he wait to about 40 years of age before marrying you?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I guess my post is sort of vague....was afraid my post would turn into a novel if I went into specifics.

"Specifically, how long have you been married and how far into the marriage did you get before your H's controlling and verbally abusive behaviors start? Was it right after the wedding or, rather, did you get a few really good years? What was so great about the guy, at the beginning, that made you want to marry him? Why have you two not tried MC yet?"

We've been living together for over 7 years, married for the last 5. Things were great up until about 6 months ago (just after I got my insurance settlement..coincidence?). He was great...very loving and affectionate...didn't drink, didn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, good provider, and generally was happy-go-lucky. Now he is always in a bad mood, always finding something...anything...to be pissed off...especially at the kids. We haven't had marriage counselling as of yet, well, simply put, because it's expensive and we have no coverage for that sort of thing.

"Specifically, what are some of the worst things your H has said or done to your young son? Your only example -- expecting the son to respond quickly to a request -- doesn't sound very awful."

It's not so much that he says or does anything horrible to my son, it's more that he becomes so angry and *****es to me over ever little thing! He over reacts to the extreme, so much so, that he puts me in tears over and over! I guess this may be something hard for me to put to words to express how extreme he gets.

"What does that mean? Please give specific examples so we have some idea of how abusive your H is (or isn't). Was your H abused by one of his parents when he was a child? Was he married before and, if so, was he abusive in that marriage too? If he wasn't married before, why did he wait to about 40 years of age before marrying you?"

Let me first explain that we have a small house...things would be so much better if we had a rec room the kids could go to. To give an example of how rude he is to my older boy. We have a Wii system on the tv in the living room...(my husband has not played once for at least 4 months). My older boy, who literally has nothing to do here...youngest dominates the computer, husband dominates the tv. ...simply asked if it would be ok to put the Wii in the bedroom on the tv in there (that has no cable...you can only watch movies). My husband took a fit! So now, whenever my husband is away from home, it's his only opportunity to play a game or too. If my husband comes in the house and sees him on it, he gets pissed off and tells him to get off. My son would have gotten off as soon as the round he was playing was over (always less than 5 minutes). But, he expects him to just shut it off NOW!

I can't stress it enough...my husband is acting like a spoiled child and having temper tantrums! My kids hate him..and honestly, I can't blame them. But, here I am in the middle. It's hurts me to know end.

I hope that helps fill in the gaps...thank you for replying. It's helpful just talking to someone about it.
 

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Does the father of your 14 year old give you any child support or is your husand supporting your son.

Your 26 year old is not a boy. I can understand your husband being upset with him being in the house and having to support an adult.

Does your 26 year old (a man) have a job? If so how much rent and food does he pay for? If not why not? When is he moving out?

While it's horrible that your husband spent your insurance settlement, you let him. You did not protect yourself financially. He did what most people do when they get a large sum of money, they blow it. At least some of it went into the house you now have. That's good, though your husband owns half of it.

What kind of disability are you on? Do you have SSI? SSD? IF now have you applied for them?
 

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maybe if you put action to words he would wake up and start realizing that his words and actions are making everyone miserable. too bad if hes having a bad day...or life..boo hoo, he doesnt need to take it out on you and your kids. what happens if your kids cant take it any longer and move out, then you will be even more hurt and upset. i know money is an issue and i really dont have anything to offer for that but living in this hell is not a great alternative..you need to speak up and be serious about the consequences if he doesnt address these issues
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Believe me, I have threatened divorce...doesn't seem to faze him. Or he threatens to leave on the spot...which would financial ruin us both. We have a cruise booked for next month...and I've told him that we are going to take that time away to decide if we're going to try and keep things together or go our separate ways.

The thing is...something has made him change....he claims there's nothing bothering him. It's clearly obvious to me that something has happened to cause this drastic change in him. The only conclusion I can come to is that .. up until my settlement... he was only sticking around hoping we'd land a win fall and he wouldn't have to work any more (he's 53). But, since I settled (for a substantially lesser amount than we both were hoping for)...it's like I'm no use to him any more. Hoping that's not true, but I can't pin point it on anything else.

Honestly...I want things to work out ... I want the guy I married back....not this jerk he's turned into! He says he loves me... swears on it...but talk is cheap. I don't see any love in his actions.

@ Eliegirl my 14 year old's father in not in the picture, but he does pay support...faithfully every month. My oldest, after the break up with his ex, moved here from another city...no work yet...he's just been here for a little over a month. The thing he seems to forget is that we have supported his grown kids, all 3 of them, at one point or another..AND their bfs or gfs and their kids! He seems to forget all that.

I receive a disability pension (CPP). There are no other sources to apply to, that I know of, here in Canada. Had I been disabled on the job, I could have collected worker's compensation pension, but that's not the case.

@nothingleft...I live in fear that the kids will leave. I'm worried sick about my oldest, who is prone to deep depressions and I worry he will hurt himself if he gets any more depressed than he is. My husband's actions make me think he is deliberately trying to drive they away.

My husband said to me one day, that he felt we were wedging him out the door. He feels out numbered. No one has ever given him any reason to feel that way...EVER! He is overly possessive, and even hoards soda and snacks so no one else can have any!
 

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Believe me, I have threatened divorce...doesn't seem to faze him.
Words are cheap. He needs to see you are serious. Take it from one of the MILLIONS of abusive husbands out there who's wives have left them. EVERY one of us were "told" we had problems, but it didn't sink in until it was too late. Make him THINK it's too late. Walk out the door with your kids and go dark for a week. SCARE HIM STRAIGHT. No excuses. You were there for your 26 year old. He can be there to help you now.

Words won't work. Only action will. Sorry to say it.

Good luck.
 
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