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We met thru facebook, dated and got married. He has an 8 yrs old daughter and I have a 7 yrs old son. We've been married a year now.

The problem started out with him telling me that a wife comes and go but his daughter stays. Meaning I'm not as important as his daughter. To me, once married a husband and a wife "two become one", he supposed to be someone I trust my life with, someone I grow old with, over all the most important person in my life. Then kids that we both love and adore.

He barely touch me, whenever I touch him he either pushed me away or complained that he has to work the next day. He works from 7am-3pm. That's not the only obstacle, he allowed his daughter to sleep with us, left my son all alone. Eventually, I learn to suppress my feeling and cried myself to sleep night after night. Not that we've never done it, we did it but it's all about him. When he's got what he wanted, he just turned away and sleep left me all alone. He said he afraid his daughter might hears us. So, I guess we're just not gonna do anything as long as she's here. Yes, maybe he hugs me but how is that gonna help me? He thinks that hugging and cuddling is enough for a married couple.

When I first moved in I noticed his ex-wife pics were all over the house, I felt hurt. Yep, once again everything was for his daughter. I also found the wedding video DVD. At this point, I ask myself "what am I doing here?", "why am I interferring their live?". That's not enough his family started telling me how good his ex-wife was.

More and more, he was also involved texting and phone conversation with other women behind my back. I confronted him and he promised to stop. Nope, he didn't. He was still talking and texting but he deleted the phone numbers and texts when he's done. He would called me on the way home from work and rushed off the phone said he's driving couldn't talk. However, he called that girl and talked till he gets home. He can't call or having text conversation from work, that's what he told me, but he did all that with her. If I didn't check AT&T phone bill, I'll never find out. I was hurt, lost my trust and faith in him. That's when I started to hate him.

No that's not all, my son found a letter written by his daughter saying how much she hated me and my son being here. She said my son and I destroyed her life. I've done nothing but nice and treated her like my own. At this point I lost my closeness with her, I still take care of her needs but I can't be close to her like I used to. I hate how she bosses my son around and being mean to him. As for my husband, he's not very nice to my son but he's not that bad with him either. He's sweet with his daughter but the opposite with my son.

I also caught him messaging with girls on fb using words that only couple would use. And he has to check that girl profile every otherday...he has to know how she's doing. Why? She's not family.

I tried talking to him, but he doesn't like communicating. He promised to change. However, our sex life suck...he cum then he just goes to sleep. Left me all alone...

That's how I come to hating him, not wanting him around...I know all he cares about is his daughter. Help me please!! I feel lonly and all I want is the relationship that a husband and a wife suppose to have. I feel so much pain and anger toward him and his daughter...I just want stab myself. I'm still waiting for all the promises he made me before we got married.
 

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The problem started out with him telling me that a wife comes and go but his daughter stays. Meaning I'm not as important as his daughter. To me, once married a husband and a wife "two become one", he supposed to be someone I trust my life with, someone I grow old with, over all the most important person in my life. Then kids that we both love and adore.
Absolutely not. The kids must come first. If you told me that you should come first and then kids that we both love and adore I'd leave you in a heartbeat.

Having said that it's clear that your relationship is seriously broken and his daughter has nothing to do with it. This is between you and him. I'm not sure what can you expect if he thinks you 'destroyed' his life.
 

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Thanks for your replied. Based on your oppinion what is the caused of this broken relationship? FYI, putting the kids first ... I agree and thought so too, so I adjusted myself to his needs and his daughter's needs. And yes, always his daughter first...and somehow I feel no love or need from him. I feel like an intruder. Should I walk away?
 

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Absolutely not. The kids must come first. If you told me that you should come first and then kids that we both love and adore I'd leave you in a heartbeat.

Having said that it's clear that your relationship is seriously broken and his daughter has nothing to do with it. This is between you and him. I'm not sure what can you expect if he thinks you 'destroyed' his life.
In my case, I would show you the door. I agree with OP. When you get married, it is the coming together of two hearts, souls and bodies. The two become one and should put each other above all others...including children. And please don't be ridiculous enough to think that means ignoring, neglecting or otherwise mistreating your children. As a parent, you should obviously cherish and love your entire family.
Also, this is not an excuse for all spouses who beat their children and their partner just look admiringly at them while paying no heed to the evil behavior.
 
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I don't know what putting the kids first means..... but alot of times it means spoiled kids!

parents are people also and ample time should be dedicated to both spouce and child.

if someone who has children remarries and then says their kids come first I would be pi$$ed. if thats how they feel. then they should wait until their kids are grown before getting into another marriage.
 

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If he choose to walk away, things would have been a lot easier for me. I hate feeling like an outsider. When a couple get married it is because of love in't it? That's what I want, that love...that feeling. Is it too late or is it inappropriate?
 

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Thanks for your replied. Based on your oppinion what is the caused of this broken relationship? FYI, putting the kids first ... I agree and thought so too, so I adjusted myself to his needs and his daughter's needs. And yes, always his daughter first...and somehow I feel no love or need from him. I feel like an intruder. Should I walk away?
It doesn't sound as though he was ready for a marriage. Rather, he was looking for a bed partner and some adult companionship around the house. You need to assess what you both want out of this relationship and act accordingly.

I went back and reread your entire original post....you need to pack this in. This is not a marriage. Much of his behavior is totally unacceptable and if he has not had an affair yet, he will.
 

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Chillymorn: You made me cry for saying that. I agree, and kept asking him if that's what he wants. Anything his daughter wants, she want a babysister he then wants a child, she want a house we bought a house. If only he tells me his true feeling.
 

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That's how I come to hating him, not wanting him around...I know all he cares about is his daughter. Help me please!! I feel lonly and all I want is the relationship that a husband and a wife suppose to have. I feel so much pain and anger toward him and his daughter...I just want stab myself. I'm still waiting for all the promises he made me before we got married.
You are not going to get the relationship you want from this man...ever.

Why are you still with him?

How old is his daughter?
 

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Chillymorn: You made me cry for saying that. I agree, and kept asking him if that's what he wants. Anything his daughter wants, he want a babysister he then wants a child, she want a house we bought a house. If only he tells me his true feeling.
He has told you his true feelings... look at his actions. Believe actions before words. This man does not want the kind of marriage you want.
 

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I'm with him because of love and hope, thinking and hoping he'll change. I'm paying the mortgage and he pays the utilities. If I leave him it would be hard for him to afford this house. And I don't like leaving and starting with someone else...I want to grow old with this man. Only he'd shows me love. However, I'm ready to rethink things through...and open to any suggestion.
 

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I'm with him because of love and hope, thinking and hoping he'll change. I'm paying the mortgage and he pays the utilities. If I leave him it would be hard for him to afford this house. And I don't like leaving and starting with someone else...I want to grow old with this man. Only he'd shows me love. However, I'm ready to rethink things through...and open to any suggestion.
As cold as it sounds, leaving him with a house payment is not your main concern (and really shouldn't be any concern for you and your son). I know that you are scared and don't like the idea of starting over but you are setting yourself up for a world of regret if you try to stick it out with this guy. You may want to grow old with this man, but he has anything on his mind but that. This relationship cannot be a one way street. It's not really a marriage.
 
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I've never scream/yell or abuse his daughter...or showing affection to my son in away that that would make her feels left out. I don't want her to feel like she's not part of us...anything she needs I make sure she gets it.
 

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Why do you love someone who mistreats you? You love who you want him to be. Not him.

What you want is for him to change to be the person you want to live your life with and be married to.

You cannot change another person. It's just not going to happen.

What you can do is change the way you interact with him.

The best thing you could do for yourself is to leave him. Then if he wants you in his life, he might realize that he values you and he might make the necessary changes. But you would need to not accept his first promise of a change and set up things so that he cannot fall back into being like he is now.
 

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He told me staight up to not talk to friends or family about our problems. I told him that his daughter needs to sleep in her own room. His replied was no its ok. Lately, she's is sleeping in her room...I hope it stays this way. However, he still the same way toward our sex life, cum and goes to sleep. Cause he work the next day.
 

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I've never scream/yell or abuse his daughter...or showing affection to my son in away that that would make her feels left out. I don't want her to feel like she's not part of us...anything she needs I make sure she gets it.
She is like a lot of step children. Many, if not most, do not like their step parents and step siblings.

Her father chose you. She did not want you around but he married you anyway. She does not want to love you or your son. She does not have to love you or your son.

What she does have to do is to treat the both of you with respect.

It takes up to 5 years for a blended family to start working like a family. You are only one year into this. But you have a problem. Her father treats you with disrespect and with no love. So she is learning that it's ok to treat you with disrespect and no love. She will treat your son the same way she treats you.

You are allowing your husband and his daughter to mistreat you and your son. You are the only person in this world who your son has to protect him. And you are not protecting him. INstead he is being sacrificed because you want to live with a man and his daughter who do not seem to love you or respect you.

I know that seems harsh, but it's true.
 

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Putting the kids first means....

If you are starving, the kids eat first.
If someone pulls a gun on you and says either your spouse dies or you kid, you choose the spouse to die.
You're freezing and have one jacket...you give it to your child.


Thats all it means to me. In those scenarios, i would choose my child and expect my wife to do the same.
 
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