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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I wrote out a very long explanation of whats going on....then deleted it. It really was long.

I hope the question can be answered without War and Peace but I'm happy to give whatever info.



Anyway. I'm 99% positive that my wife is having an EA. Shes 37, I'm 40 - no kids, 8 years together.


Her online phone statments, which I have never previously checked, seems to have one number with heavy calls and texts.

1500 call minutes last month, 2000 texts. This number only appeared 6 weeks ago. They are at odd times, when I'm not in the office, late at night, when I'm out, when she's out.


She is currently away at a relatives wedding on her own (I had to stay back).


From what I can see, the person lives in Cali, the wedding is on the east coast.

The texts and phonecalls are still going on. Which I feel would be unlikely if they had orchestrated a meet up. So chances are 99% they are not together and its still an EA

The wedding is today and after that, she has 4 more days at her parents (also on the east coast) and to catch up with her school friends. And if she wanted to I suppose,to have made plans already to meet this person.


Naturally, id prefer to prevent that possibility. It hasn't happened yet I'm 99% sure. An EA I can probably rescue with the advice I've found on this forum.......PA is divorce.


I did snoop a bit. I didn't like what I found.



1)Giant itemised phone bill with a around 4000 text/phone contacts with the same number over the last 6 weeks - still ongoing....even as we speak :(

2)We work online, her social media usage has increased considerably recently....always posting photos, tweeting, FB etc.

3)The purchase of a see-thru neglige the day before the trip. She knows I'm not going to be there, she always sleeps nude, so why would you need see thru lingerie your hotel room? Pics and phone video possibly, meet up also possibly.


4)It was also her suggestion that I stay back home.

I agreed because I hate flying and we have so much time sensitive things to do at home (re-fi this week, two major house repairs) - that it seemed a good idea that I wait behind, deal with all the house stuff, save on pet boarding fee's and to not fly (which I dislike)



So, confront now or not ?

If I confront her....not good that it's by phone. But I might just prevent a physical meet if thats on the cards.

I can also at least initially do something about the EA via the advice on this forum.



......Or wait till she gets back this Thursday and possibly have my nightmares come true.







I love my wife, I feel our marriage is 90% good. I don't believe she would rate it as high, she's unhappy that we work so much, that I'm not very demonstrative of my feelings and I could be more thoughtful regarding special occaisons. she's found an online person to share A LOT of flirty time with, that judging by the crazy call volumes etct "might" just be going further.

I should know, we got together under almost identical circumstances 8 years ago.

weirdly, we've made a lot of future plans recently, some are expensive.




Help me people :)
 

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Sorry to break it to you but I'm having deja vu here, and it may be physical. There is another recent thread (yesterday?) of this near exact same scenario.

I feel that if you should hit this hard the first time around and c0ck block as much as you can. You have to gather all evidence, and do not allow her to gaslight you or minimize this EA/ possible PA. MAKE her cease contact at all costs with this person, NO FB, no secret email, no work phone activity. If she refuses you have to stop being nice, pull the 180 to make her realize she has done wrong and you know it, she needs to come back. You still have plenty of time in the dating timeline and you have no kids, you might not need much evidence to leave her.

If you wish to gather more evidence you have to follow her tracks because she may go underground with this affair. You have to turn into a private investigator, and the best private investigator is the BS. Install a little VAR in her car, almost every WS talks while driving or while in the car. Install a keylogger on home desktop or laptop (illegal to do so on computers that do not belong to you or your wife i.e. work computers) so you can gather her passwords.

If you need a R then you need to confront this, it all depends on your demeanor to her actions, if you do not allow her to down play and make her realize her actions WERE wrong and she needs to be remorseful or else, you'll end up rugsweeping this and you'll be having yourself a simple relationship of lies. Decide how much evidence do you need to confront, to R, to D, its all up to you. There are plenty more people with better advice out here.
 

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If you intend to try to save the M my vote would be to say something now before there would be a chance for it to go further. Apparently you have access to the phone account so you know the calls and text are still ongoing. You could just call your W and advise that you have a lot of uneasy feelings and that you will need to have a sit down talk when she makes it home. Do not let her know what information you have at hand. To me the number of calls and text is sufficient. This will make her wonder, you also could tell her that you hope she does not do something stupid but do not go any further. Just need doubt in her mind as to what you do know and wait until she gets back home. If the phone calls and text stops give her another call and ask what she is doing.
 

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Again, welcome to the boards.

Take some time to read the threads around here.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/53144-do-i-give-him-opportunity-cheat.html


This one is the story that sounds like yours. I also recommend bff's thread, to relate on how much evidence you need to leave if she doesn't change her ways. Most waywards are stuck in an addiction, living a dopamine fantasy full of novelty, unicorns and giant sized candy canes and lollipops. Either you go by smashing that fantasy to pieces bringing that WS back to reality and killing the addiction by being on top of the WS remorseful self to prevent a relapse and possible reach R or you just expose the affair and serve her (which can also help to bring them to reality, most of them do not change, serial cheaters/cake eaters).
 

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Sorry you're going through this, Greg. You need to act quickly on this, man.

Your "snooping"...which I prefer to think of as fact finding shows nothing but red flags. 4000 text/calls?!! In 6 weeks?!! That's like a hundred a day! Do you have any idea who the person could be?

The see-thru nightie is another biggie. Nothing else to say about that, but then the whole suggestion that you stay home cuz you don't like to fly.

I don't want to create innuendo or scare you, man...but even if the OP's number is a Cali number, that doesn't mean the number is any different on the east coast. The OP could very well have taken a summer vacation to the east coast and they're just setting stuff up for a possible PA.

My suggestion is to call her. Tell her what you've found...including the info about the nightie. Let her know that in no uncertain terms what your position on this is.

Then...listen. Don't say a word. As hard as it is, do NOT talk immediately after questioning her. The art of negotiation says "whoever talks next loses". I'm not saying this is a game or a negotiation, however the rule still applies. SHE needs to talk.
 

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If you intend to try to save the M my vote would be to say something now before there would be a chance for it to go further. Apparently you have access to the phone account so you know the calls and text are still ongoing. You could just call your W and advise that you have a lot of uneasy feelings and that you will need to have a sit down talk when she makes it home. Do not let her know what information you have at hand. To me the number of calls and text is sufficient. This will make her wonder, you also could tell her that you hope she does not do something stupid but do not go any further. Just need doubt in her mind as to what you do know and wait until she gets back home. If the phone calls and text stops give her another call and ask what she is doing.
This might blow up in the OP's face. WS always downplay and minimize, they'll gaslight you, get angry go deeper into the wayward fog. Apparently she is already away at a wedding and visiting family, or so she said. Sounds like a cake eater: "Oh stay home for this one honey please" pshh :scratchhead: duhh she going alone to to text and call, this is probably farther along then one may think. You have to remember WS are far ahead of their BS when they tune in to the fact of a possible EA / PA, its never too late though, get ahead, stay several steps ahead. You need to do something like fly out there.
 

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I love my wife, I feel our marriage is 90% good. I don't believe she would rate it as high, she's unhappy that we work so much, that I'm not very demonstrative of my feelings and I could be more thoughtful regarding special occaisons. she's found an online person to share A LOT of flirty time with, that judging by the crazy call volumes etct "might" just be going further.

I should know, we got together under almost identical circumstances 8 years ago.

What do you mean by this?

That you both were flirting this heavily 8 years ago? Or, she was married/in relationship with someone else and she texted you this much on the side?
 

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Dont confront yet. Make a game plan and find the resolve to execute it.

The game plan should include:
- separation of finances (no joint bank accounts, debts, etc)
- investigative mode like VAR, cams, for example
- background info of the OM, the OMW
- your future without her
- understanding the 180 and letting her go
-etc
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Sorry to break it to you but I'm having deja vu here, and it may be physical. There is another recent thread (yesterday?) of this near exact same scenario.

I feel that if you should hit this hard the first time around and c0ck block as much as you can. You have to gather all evidence, and do not allow her to gaslight you or minimize this EA/ possible PA. MAKE her cease contact at all costs with this person, NO FB, no secret email, no work phone activity. If she refuses you have to stop being nice, pull the 180 to make her realize she has done wrong and you know it, she needs to come back. You still have plenty of time in the dating timeline and you have no kids, you might not need much evidence to leave her.

If you wish to gather more evidence you have to follow her tracks because she may go underground with this affair. You have to turn into a private investigator, and the best private investigator is the BS. Install a little VAR in her car, almost every WS talks while driving or while in the car. Install a keylogger on home desktop or laptop (illegal to do so on computers that do not belong to you or your wife i.e. work computers) so you can gather her passwords.

If you need a R then you need to confront this, it all depends on your demeanor to her actions, if you do not allow her to down play and make her realize her actions WERE wrong and she needs to be remorseful or else, you'll end up rugsweeping this and you'll be having yourself a simple relationship of lies. Decide how much evidence do you need to confront, to R, to D, its all up to you. There are plenty more people with better advice out here.
It might be physical, the reason I dont think it is just yet:


The wedding she is attending is a relatives. She is staying at the same hotel as many other relatives (her Dad etc) pretty sure she's not stupid enough to risk being caught with a stranger in her hotel room by one of her relatives.

The texts have continued....generally late at night. If they were together, no need to text.

However, the 4 days after, who knows.....maybe he is prepared to travel from west coast to east for a few days.







But yes I def agree.....ask her to explain certain things, tell her to stop now and even though its by phone, it might be a good enough ****block. If not, she's going to have a hard time getting in the house when she gets back.


And agreed on the rest, I saw a lot of people using and or giving advice on the 180 and no contact letter etc . All makes sense to me. I think those will help turn her around from the fog...eventually.



I was worried about the effectiveness of a phone confrontation, I might even try IM so I can collect my thoughts between each sentence. But today, after she's done her weeding reading and left for her parents (didn't want to do it before the reading and spoil the day) I'm going to prep....and fire a first shot. Likely to call his number with a PAYGO I just bought and hang up....just to see who answers and if they answer with their first name.

Thank you for your help
 

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Let's put it like this - you have literally one day to save your marriage. Ask yourself if you want to save it or not. If you feel her infidelity isn't something you can forgive, call her and tell her you are divorcing her over her affair, and leave it at that. start filing come Monday.*

I suspect that the other man might be an old flame, considering how quickly the affair took off. She knew she was going to the west coast, they connected somehow, and quickly made plans to have some intense, passionate "closure" before resuming their normal lives. She may not be lying when she says she's going to see "old friends"... Let's not kid ourselves. You know as well as I do that she didn't buy the lingerie to sleep in. She's going to wear it for someone.

If you DO want to save the marriage, you can do 2 things. They depend, largely, on how much money you're willing to put into saving the marriage. What's more important? Cash, or you marriage?

If I were you, i would find boarding for the pets NOW, and fly over to meet her at her parents house. Immediately. Tonight. Go into full c0ckblock mode. Call her up and tell her you will be meeting her at her parents home. She will resist. She will tell you not to bother. Tell her you aren't "asking" her. You WILL meet her there. Period. Buy your flight ticket. Man up - airplanes don't bite.

Once everything is in order, print out the text/phone data and the lingerie receipt take it with you, and make a mad dash for the airport. Meet her. Go to her parents house.*

Once there, expose her affair to her family. Don't second guess yourself, just DO IT. If she wants to fly all the way out to the west coast to pursue her affair, you can fly all the way out to divorce her. Show her how motivated you can be when she f*cks with your marriage.*

Tell her parents what you know. Tell them she has been having an intense emotional affair with this man, and she went so far as to buy lingerie for him to fully realize the affair during her stay. Tell them that you will divorce her, and that you will get the paperwork started on Monday. Tell them and her that if she wants to save the marriage, she has until the divorce is finalized to prove she's worth staying married to.*

Then fly home. She can either stay and bulls*t her parents and have her affair, or she can fly back with you and make this marriage work. If she has any respect for you, she'll cut her trip short and fly back with you.

Alternatively, you can do most of this via telephone, and not fly at all. Call her parents FIRST, and tell them exactly the above. Then call her, and tell her the above. Without your physical presence, though, I don't think this will have as much impact (nor will it be as exciting). But it may still get her to sh*t her pants and come right back home. Either way, tell her you know, and if she doesn't fly back immediately to explain herself and work on the marriage, you will not reconcile with her, and the marriage is over.

*Good luck, and I'm sorry you're here.Posted via Mobile Device
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Its more likely the texts and phonecalls would go on and even increase in anticipation of a meetup.

The texts have increased. Only one phone call all day yesterday.

About 50 texts in the early Am.

I wasn't sure what to make of that. Why text and not call ? for sure there was contact and since she's been there, the phone contact has dropped, the text gone up.....trying to be discrete maybe, not overheard by a relative.
 

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Dont confront yet. Make a game plan and find the resolve to execute it.

The game plan should include:
- separation of finances (no joint bank accounts, debts, etc)
- investigative mode like VAR, cams, for example
- background info of the OM, the OMW
- your future without her
- understanding the 180 and letting her go
-etc
I agree with the not confronting yet, you have to have all your ducks in a row, unless you confront in person now if you hvae a feeling she might cheat on you while out there. Its really hard, you're the best one to know what decision to make because you know her, or thought you know her and you might be able to follow your gut instinct on this one.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
If you intend to try to save the M my vote would be to say something now before there would be a chance for it to go further. Apparently you have access to the phone account so you know the calls and text are still ongoing. You could just call your W and advise that you have a lot of uneasy feelings and that you will need to have a sit down talk when she makes it home. Do not let her know what information you have at hand. To me the number of calls and text is sufficient. This will make her wonder, you also could tell her that you hope she does not do something stupid but do not go any further. Just need doubt in her mind as to what you do know and wait until she gets back home. If the phone calls and text stops give her another call and ask what she is doing.

I'm conflicted about not revealing at least a portion of what I know.


For example.....a few weeks ago when she was explaining that she hasn't been happy recently. We got onto the subject of affairs.

She said "I would tell you, I wouldn't just have an affair I would feel very guilty"....or something to that effect.


Now I could start the exposure converstion like ........"do you remember last week when you said........"

And then ask her......."does that apply to Emotional affairs too" .....and see what she says.


if she starts to crack....all good.......if not......I dont have much choice, I'm going to have to spill it......right ?
 

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blow this out of the water now. Befor you call your wife, call the dude and ask him why he is trying to mess with your marriage. Then call her immediately and tell her you are going to the airport. Tell her parents she is
having an emotional affair. Blow her make believe world apart before she does something she can't take
back. Wish I had the warning you do before mine physically cheated.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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I'm conflicted about not revealing at least a portion of what I know.


For example.....a few weeks ago when she was explaining that she hasn't been happy recently. We got onto the subject of affairs.

She said "I would tell you, I wouldn't just have an affair I would feel very guilty"....or something to that effect.


Now I could start the exposure converstion like ........"do you remember last week when you said........"

And then ask her......."does that apply to Emotional affairs too" .....and see what she says.


if she starts to crack....all good.......if not......I dont have much choice, I'm going to have to spill it......right ?
Most people in emotional affairs don't realize they are in one. Are you sure your wife knows what one is.

I would get on the plane. You might beat him there.
 

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If you DO want to save the marriage, you can do 2 things. They depend, largely, on how much money you're willing to put into saving the marriage. What's more important? Cash, or you marriage?

If I were you, i would find boarding for the pets NOW, and fly over to meet her at her parents house. Immediately. Tonight. Go into full c0ckblock mode. Call her up and tell her you will be meeting her at her parents home. She will resist. She will tell you not to bother. Tell her you aren't "asking" her. You WILL meet her there. Period. Buy your flight ticket. Man up - airplanes don't bite.
Actually, dont tell her ahead of time you're going to be there. When you get there, grab her phone immediately and start reading through the messages.

See if the OM show up. Though she may warn him not to once you're there.
 
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