[Terry_CO]

I need some help here. How important is a wife's sexual past to other guys? I fear I'm being unreasonable and need a little feedback. Thanks

 

[A Bit Much]

It depends on the guy. Some care a little, some care a lot, some not at all.

My H is very mature and my sexual past didn't put him off. He has one too, so why be a hypocrite?

 

[Terry_CO]

It bothers me because years before we even met, she had a painful relationship, and turned to "sport sex" as a self-destructive reaction, in her own words. She treated sex as exercise, according to her. I've always viewed it as an emotional physical bonding. She sees it as a physical activity, apart and separate of any emotion. This view is no doubt a result of those years she tried to block out the painful end of the relationship she had that she was sure would lead to marriage.

During those "healing years" she spent the time having sex with every guy she dated, possibly as many as a hundred.

I, on the other hand, have had four partners in my life - two before my first marriage, one during my first, and one with my current wife. I adore her, and would do anything for her. We have a policy of honesty and openness, but she doesn't like it when I ask her about "those years". I know she is ashamed of it, but I understand why she did it. Rational thought tells me I should dismiss it and never bring it up again.

What I don't understand is why it bothers me so much. It was before we ever met. I don't want it to ever jeopardize our marriage.

 

[A Bit Much]

Why did you get married?

(I ask because even though you say you love her, that's not enough)

 

[Cosmos]

It's unhelpful for me to say that this, but the time to question someone's sexual history is before marriage, and worrying about it now is just needlessly chipping away at your self-esteem. Fortunately, you recognize this and want to get counseling, which is good.

If you're worried about how you'll actually account for time spent with a therapist to your wife, you could tell her that you have some self-esteem issues that you need to iron out.

 

[Terry_CO]

@A Bit Much - We are both in love with each other and can't imagine spending our lives with anyone else.

@Cosmos - Thank you. You are helping by your advice. I really am not trying to have to justify our marriage - that's dwelling on the negative, but rather I don't want this hangup of mine hurting what I know is the best thing that ever happened to me, pasts notwithstanding

 

[Plan 9 from OS]

OP, I think you lost the opportunity to get all the details you wanted about her sexual past. If you wanted it, you should have had this talk prior to getting married. Since you married her, you basically gave her the answer that her sexual past was not an issue for you, at least based on the thought that it didn't prevent you from marrying her.

You knew she was "broken" and engaged in self-destructive behavior. It sounds like there is nothing more to it than that.

 

[wiigirl]

What I don't understand is why it bothers me so much. It was before we ever met. I don't want it to ever jeopardize our marriage.

Its normal to be bothered by it imo.

But realize the past is her past. She chose you as her future. Trust in her and everything will be ok. If it bothers you so much ask her not to talk about it and you do the same.

Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Cosmos]

@A Bit Much - We are both in love with each other and can't imagine spending our lives with anyone else.

@Cosmos - Thank you. You are helping by your advice. I really am not trying to have to justify our marriage - that's dwelling on the negative, but rather I don't want this hangup of mine hurting what I know is the best thing that ever happened to me, pasts notwithstanding

OP, just remember that she's married to you for a reason. She loves you. People often do crazy things when they're young, but this doesn't mean that they are going to want to repeat those mistakes.

You've recognized the fact that you're obsessing over something that cannot change, and going for therapy is the best way of coming to terms with how it's affecting you.

 

[Terry_CO]

@Plan 9 - Absolutely. I know I'll get past this. It just bothered me that I have spent so much time stressing over something in the past that had absolutely nothing to do with me, and has nothing to do with our current marriage. She was "broken" but now she is better Thank you

 

[Terry_CO]

@Cosmos - Thank you. I know what you say is true. Nothing she did could ever change how much I love her now, and forever. I want to make sure this strange behavior of mine is identified, filed away, and never surfaces again. It's irrelevant.

 

[Terry_CO]

@Wiigirl - Thanks for the sanity check I think I need to print out this topic and re-read it whenever I feel that obsessive feeling surfacing again. If that doesn't work, maybe therapy for me.

 

[mel123]

If you knew about her past before you got married this should not be a problem for you. If she revealed it after marriage, that would be a BIG problem for me.

 

[40isthenew20]

My wife's sexual past - from what I can surmise and what she has told me - was below average and included only ex boyfriends. But one has to always doubt that and wonder. It drives me insane, too, but you have to accept it or move on. In my case, its very plausible and not a shock, but my personality is a very jealous one, even if it was before my time with her.

I had a much larger number than she did and it didn't chase her away. But being a single guy living on my own in a city setting, I think she just figured that's the norm.

If its wrong or not, I still view it differently between men and women and their past sex history. A guy can stick it in and walk away. But it goes inside a woman and she is violated in a way if the guy is treating her like a load rag.

 

[Cosmos]

@Cosmos - Thank you. I know what you say is true. Nothing she did could ever change how much I love her now, and forever. I want to make sure this strange behavior of mine is identified, filed away, and never surfaces again. It's irrelevant.

I don't think your behaviour is strange, OP - just potentially destructive if it's not dealt with.

Whilst our past is part who we are today, our mistakes don't define us. How we have dealt with those mistakes and how we have grown from them does.

You sound like a thoroughly decent man, and I hope you get the peace you need in order to enjoy the love you share with your W - unfettered by 'ghosts' from a dark period in her life.

 

[kipani]

You're right to be obsessed.

14 kinds of women most likely to cheat on their mate - National infidelity | Examiner.com

Sexually experienced
A woman who has had an active sex life, or who has had numerous sex partners before settling down will find it hard to stay faithful to one man.

This is just the general rule though, it doesnt apply to every woman.

 

[kmz 69]

Is she with you?

Has she ever given you any doubt about her devotion to you?

I know the pain of dealing with a spouse’s history; mine was raped and was in an abusive relationship, finally it ended when their spouse was caught with their sibling. YOU CAN’T IMAGINE THE LOVE AND WORK REQIURED TO JUST BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH THIS, let alone become the couple we are today!!!

I have heard more BS then you can possible imagine; and have always tried to forget it all!!! You don’t want to know!!! In my case that was my spouses healing’ being able to talk about it; after all I’m their best friend right? It’s not yours to deal with unless she decides to confide in you; and then like I did FORGET IT ALL!!!

She’s with you now; it’s all GOOD!!!

Good Luck!!!

btw my spouse knows ALL about me; I was an open book with them from the start, so no secrets there and us like you are in a 5-12 relationship too!

 

[Terry_CO]

If you knew about her past before you got married this should not be a problem for you. If she revealed it after marriage, that would be a BIG problem for me.

We discussed it before marriage, but not at length. She had revealed the hard time in her life followed by a time when she "treated sex as a sport - purely physical with no emotional attachment" and she stated it was self-destructive of her at the time. She had figured she would never have another serious relationship, so she overreacted ...doing the thing (promiscuous behavior) that our culture looks down on, as a form of rebellion.

 

[Plan 9 from OS]

We discussed it before marriage, but not at length. She had revealed the hard time in her life followed by a time when she "treated sex as a sport - purely physical with no emotional attachment" and she stated it was self-destructive of her at the time. She had figured she would never have another serious relationship, so she overreacted ...doing the thing (promiscuous behavior) that our culture looks down on, as a form of rebellion.

OK...you already knew that she was promiscuous prior to meeting you and that she was engaged in self-destructive behaviors regarding sex by her own acknowledgement. Clearly, you know she probably had one night stands, casual sex with male friends and acquaintances and may have had threesomes. Without being given explicit details, you basically know this already - just not the numbers. Assume a lot of men (maybe even women) and move on.

However, this line of inquiry may be valid if you are currently living in her playground. In that case, it would be nice to know if anyone the two of you meet or are friends with was once sexually active with your wife. If you are living in the area where your wife was playing "girls gone wild", then the best option IMHO is to move to an area where neither of you are well known. Then you get a fresh, clean start.

 

[Terry_CO]

My wife's sexual past - from what I can surmise and what she has told me - was below average and included only ex boyfriends. But one has to always doubt that and wonder. It drives me insane, too, but you have to accept it or move on. In my case, its very plausible and not a shock, but my personality is a very jealous one, even if it was before my time with her.

I had a much larger number than she did and it didn't chase her away. But being a single guy living on my own in a city setting, I think she just figured that's the norm.

If its wrong or not, I still view it differently between men and women and their past sex history. A guy can stick it in and walk away. But it goes inside a woman and she is violated in a way if the guy is treating her like a load rag.

Thank you for reassuring me that I'm not the only one to stress over this thing! I see your point about men and women being different in the respect you mention - in the simplest, unemotional physical sense the woman is the "receiver", but the man is merely releasing. It's so fast and easy for us because it's an external thing - as an adolescent we could go behind a bush and "take matters into our own hands" when the need arises. Like some comedian said - a woman needs romance, but a man only needs a place